Is there something wrong?

Philippines
November 24, 2008 6:56pm CST
..Hi everyone.. I have a problem with my husband.. Most of the time, he lies to me.. He doesn't even want me to touch his mobile phone and when somebody sends a message to him, he makes it a point that I will not read it so he erase it immediately..? Why? Does this mean that he is hiding something from me? Or am I just jealous? There are also times when he tells me that he is going to this place but later I will found out that he didn't went there, instead he went to somewhere else and he won't tell me where.. We're just married for almost 6 months now.. Please advise me.. What should I do? and what should I not do? Thank you in advance and God bless..
11 people like this
59 responses
• United States
25 Nov 08
Six months in? Gosh. Sounds like if you are already having trust issues, he needs to stop being so shady. My boyfriend goes through my phone while I'm sleeping because he has trust issues... But I have nothing to hide. The most constructive thing I can advise is to confront but don't 'attack' him... You don't want to have a huge arguement.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
I do agree with you. Those who secretly opens his/her partner's phone has really trust issue which he/she has to resolve first.
1 person likes this
@buneeq (10)
25 Nov 08
Could I just add..... Has anyone thought of the fact that your husband may be planning a nice holiday, or a special surprise? I am a man, I do not have issues with trust or telling my partner absolutely everything, but I guess I am very lucky. Anyway, not to deviate, I am just saying that there may be a genuine reason, a birthday surprise he's planning for 8 months and can not tell you. Just give it a thought. Thanks Rikki
• Philippines
26 Nov 08
..ok.. thank you..
• China
25 Nov 08
i think you'd better not read his SMS secretly,even if he lies to you.because thus he will dislike you,after all everyone have some secret.maybe he lies to you just because of your suspicion. but if you make sure that he have done something wrong i think you should have a talk with him to slove the problem.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
Exactly. If you stoop down to secretly reading his messages [and you WILL get caught one way or the other], he would just resent you even more. It would widen whatever gap you might have with each other.
• China
26 Nov 08
maybe what you said is right.it is really a difficult problem.
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
i understand where you are coming from for i have learned a lot in my previous and present relationships...this is a personal and sensitive issue and since you're posting it publicly, you will be getting several advices...some might work, some will make sense and some wont, some you might not even want to hear...so just brace yourself and weight your options...first of all, it's too early in your marriage to be having these problems...how long have you known him and has he been like this since? if you've been together for a while now and this is something new, then i think he definitely is not being honest with you. he may be hiding something from you bacause his behaviour is simply not usual...also--lying is not right no matter how you try to justify it...have you tried talking to him about this? you may want to ask a common friend or relative whom you both look up to, to act as a mediator when you talk about this so that somebody can shed some light for both of you...i've been in this situation and my sinstincts were right...after this behavious, i found out my husband was cheating on me...i do not want to scare you any more than you already are...the best thing to do is communicate your thoughts and feelings...i am sure you will find the answers you're looking for. more importantly---pray...ask for His guidance and nothing will go wrong...goodluck!!
1 person likes this
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
26 Nov 08
[b]Cookie, "too early in the marriage?" Sweetie, some people cheat even on their wedding day! It's never a good time to cheat; real love knows nothing about cheating! BTW, what a great typo you made. Mind if I steal "sinstincts" & use it? LOL! Maggiepie[/b]
@savypat (20246)
• United States
25 Nov 08
When you are ready it's time for a serious sit down, just remember what is at stake this may end the relationship. On the other hand it may improve it. But truth is necessary in every one's life.
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
27 Nov 08
[b]Savvy, If it does "end the relationship" when all she'd be doing is asking for clarification, some good reasons for his shifty (IMO) behavior, then...wouldn't that mean he hadn't been all that committed to the relationship to begin with? If he's not willing to explain, or ease her fears in some way, I mean? I think his behavior stinks, & I've seen it too many times to think otherwise. That she's trying hard not to think the worst, & even that she's coming here to see what we think, is, to me, a signal that in her heart, she's already 99% sure she's right. It's sad, really. No-one hates divorce more than I, but when it's a bad marriage, better to end it before there are children to be harmed, at least! Maggiepie[/b]
• United States
25 Nov 08
Pray changes thing and secondly, you can't keep anyone that does not want to be kept. Sit down an evaluate why you felt the need to marry this guy. Women are emotional and MOST men are physical. Many times, we can be in love all by ourselves. We pretend in front of others in fear of what they may think. If he being deceitful and lying 6 months into the marriage you will be a nervous wreck within a year, if you are not already. Please don't tell you married him because you have children with him. The children suffer more than we do. Your husband characteristic is what you children will seek in their future companion. You are not jealous, but don't let it absorb your spirit. A man can't do a woman wrong unless she allows him. Maya Angelou (The poet) says; If someone shows you who you are "BELIEVE THEM!" I am telling you what I know. Some call cheating men "Dogs", think about this, they can't be dogs. You know why? Dogs are LOYAL to the person who shows them love and affection. To pick your spirits up, check out "This Christmas" it's on DVD. Starring Delroy Lido, Loretta Devine, Regina King and Chris Brown. It's a great lesson to learn in this movie and it's funny. Regina King character is the woman of women, I gave five stars and a stand ovation. Let know how you liked the movie. Matter of fact it's on HBO or Starz Channel this month, it might be ON DEMAND. YOU SEE THE HAND WRITING ON THE WALL, NOW READ THE MESSAGE. Keep your head up. The greatest love of all is inside of you. check out my website www.withinthebox.org You will learn more about my life. email if you need me. Have a happy holiday!
• Philippines
26 Nov 08
..thank you very much.. I'll check the movie..
@Sheepie (3118)
• United States
25 Nov 08
I think you have every right to be concerned! If a man has nothing to hide, he has nothing to hide. You are being betrayed by being treated that you're not worth being a part of his social life, or whatever it is he is trying to hide from you. I don't think you should deny that you're being treated unfairly. I wish you the best, but do not let this man continue to be like this! You know you have every right to know what is going on with him. It's not as though you're being unreasonably nosy. I think you should have a good, long talk with him, but some men just aren't worth trusting. I really hope you the best, but you know what you must do!
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
27 Nov 08
[b]Sheepie, some women are just as bad, too. Just want to keep all things in balance.... Maggiepie[/b]
@messageme (2821)
• United States
27 Nov 08
I know someone that is exactly like that! THANK GOD I am over him!! The reason he never let me see his phone and erased all the messages as soon as he got them was because they were from other girls ( usually sexually talking). He always said he was going to go get a movie from the movie store but would end up going to some girls house and screw her then run to the movies and grab a movie or he would come home and say I couldn't find anything good. Um ok your gone that long and found nothing.... Unless he is any different I would definitly say he is screwing someone else!! No doubts about it. I truely hope I am wrong in your case considering you just got married, but who knows...only him. You need to talk to him. Explain to him you two are married now there should be NO secrets. Tell him you feel he is cheating on you and tell him why you think that. If he isn't willing to work with you then there is something definitly wrong.
1 person likes this
@seeiloveu (100)
• India
26 Nov 08
Your husband - as you have admitted - is a perpetual liar. Generally, I keep away from such liars - I despise them; I hate them! And I don't believe them even when they are speaking the truth!!He - your husband - is doing everything to harm you ... Please do not get caught in whatever he does or asks you to do or he says. While I am not suggesting or advising a seperation - the decision is up to you only; because you are married to him and his 'lies' may affect you psychologically - what to do with him is completely up to you only! No one in this world, either someone else or me, can do anything to solve this problem for you. But before you take the next step, ask the Almighty what you should do? The answer may or will not be forthcoming immediately; but it will rest all your present fears.
1 person likes this
@onesiobhan (1330)
• Canada
25 Nov 08
If you were checking his messages and emails and not finding anything wrong, I'd say you were being overly jealous. But if you are catching him in lies - yeah there is a problem and it's not you. You need to confront him with this stuff. If he won't knock it off then the relationship is not salvageable. You may have to consider counseling to figure out why he thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable.
1 person likes this
@1hopefulman (29967)
• Canada
25 Nov 08
How can a liar be trusted? Something smells fishy here, big time!
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
25 Nov 08
I think what the pair of you shoulddo, is sit down and talk about both your trust issues. This is not only your hubby... it's you too. You don't trust him and it seems as though you read things into his actions, when maybe there is nothing to worry about. Sure... he could be cheating, or lying to you, but can you prove that? What I think you need to do is make him aware of your concerns without making a big fuss about it. Just ask him if you can talk about things with him and do it quietly and in a caring manner. Don't show any jealousy or great mistrust of him, or he'll be away faster than he came! After all, a mobile phone is a personal thing, and I don't blame him for not wanting you to read all his messages. I'm sure you would feel the same way if he read all yours. I save some of my messages, but you have to delete some because otherwise your message bank fills up and no further messages can get in. As for telling you he was going one place and ending up in another... consider this... could it have been that he received a sudden message requesting him to be at another place. Does he use his phone for business, or could a friend have been in trouble, that he detoured? You need to think rationally about all this. I'm not taking sides, but I also think it shows mistrust to be invading even your other half's space all the time. They need a bit of freedom, whether you're married or not. Therefore, I would advise that you do sit down and talk this through with him. Make sure your thoughts are correct, or if they're incorrect, you have to accept the fact, and loosen the reins a bit. As for the don'ts... definitely don't accuse without being really aware of the truth, and don't hold him so tight to you. He needs other friends, as, I am sure, do you. Brightest Blessings and good luck with your findings. Think positively and weigh up the good against the not so good. It works!
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
25 Nov 08
I would say that there is something wrong. I would also say that he may be having issues of finding it hard to have to answer to someone every move he makes. I definitely would not let my guard down. I would also have a talk with him and find out what he has to say. It really does not sound good.
1 person likes this
@gracie04 (4555)
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
yes, there is.. you know, if your hubby isn't guilty of anything, he would let you see his mobile phone.. it's time that you talk with your hubby about it.. or make an investigation.. check his mobile phone while he's sleeping, things like that.. but be careful.. don't let him catch you.. my hubby and i are very open to each other, i mean we share stuffs, share secrets, share everything we have.. good luck..
• Israel
25 Nov 08
i think your hubby is jealous,not because he wants to protect you but he is scared that you may be playing the same game that he is playing.if he really loves you , he should not lie to you.secondly a lasting relation is built on trust ,so if he cannot trust you ,then your marriage is going to crash soonesst
1 person likes this
@janet8893 (283)
• China
25 Nov 08
sometimes women are just too sensitive, but it is good to awere of something in advance. My parents also have experienced such a period, and i know the most efficient solution is to be frank. You can arrange a special night. prepare a rich dinner and be kind to him, say something through dinner to let him know YOU TRUST HIM. sleeping time is the best time to mention something you are worried recently, and ask for his advice through which you may know a lot about his feelings. And you may also ask him what you could do to be a good wife he likes. i think we women sometimes should sacrifice a little of our dignity before the person we love. Hope this will do a little help to you.Bless~~~~
1 person likes this
• Philippines
25 Nov 08
In most cases, what we think is actually worse than what really is. Talk to your husband. You will get through these issues if you communicate! Good luck!
1 person likes this
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
26 Nov 08
[b]He's cheating on you. His signals are deafeningly clear. Sorry to be so brutally blunt, but I've just seen too many spouses go into denial & get badly hurt ... so I'm asking you, why do that to yourself? Do the following: Document as much as possible, see a lawyer with the evidence, file for divorce, then confront him. Tell him he either goes with you to a marriage counselor & tries hard (with you working just as hard!) to salvage the marriage, or you'll divorce him. Even if he agrees & begins marriage counseling, he must earn your trust all over again. BTW, when he's asleep would be a good time to view his cell phone. Take down the names & numbers; they'll come in handy in court. Maggiepie[/b]
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
26 Nov 08
I love a fellow woman who doesn't hesitate to go for the jugular! I am currently helping my best friend and adopted sister go through a situation where the husband is definitely cheating on her. What is holding up her going for the divorce is that she needs his money for paying the rent. He stripped her totally of her career and self esteem. Fortunately she is recovering fast and with my help she is going back to school and will get a degree. But the biggest thing is that he totally destroyed her trust and he NEVER will regain it again. I have a feeling that he is going to try to snivel and whine and beg her to take him back. She is firm in her resolve to divorce him so hopefully they will be divorced soon. I admire you for your being brutally blunt, it's so much fun to have someone else that goes for the jugular.
1 person likes this
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
27 Nov 08
[b]Loverbear, I'm not trying to "go for the jugular," really. I just hate dancing around when things are so obvious. There are those here who want her to "wait & see," but that doesn't add up in my book. He's behaving like a cheat--& WHY? If he really loved her, he'd be open. As I've said, this isn't my first rodeo...i.e., I've seen this pattern all too often. I just want her to protect herself. No "habits" such as he's been displaying are good. It is always bad when a spouse tries to hide stuff. And what sort of "surprise" would have a spouse preventing the other from knowing with whom the suspicious activity is happening? NO-one, that's who! No, as I said to begin with: he's lying, cheating, & deserves no less than a divorce unless he can prove--over a sufficient span of time (say, at least a year!) that he's changed. Oh, & I'm glad someone above suggested she get herself checked for STDs. After all, that his cheating does leave her vulnerable to something such as AIDs or other STDs. I wish I'd thought to add that caveat! Maggiepie[/b]
• Philippines
27 Nov 08
..oh.. thank you for being frank with me.. i needed that..
1 person likes this
• India
25 Nov 08
Hello my dear raynejasper Ji, I think there is nothing wrong, everyone has their own habits and one must respect oythers habit. I know your feelings very well that a tranperency would be helpful between you both. But if he does not want , then bear it whoe-heartedly, after you do not show any interset, I am sure one day, he will open out to you have great time.
• Indonesia
26 Nov 08
yes, i agree she must wait for a year or so, to accept habits from her partner.
1 person likes this
• India
26 Nov 08
Hello my dear friend raynegasper Ji, Very nice of you tom try out for some time. Have a great time.
• Philippines
27 Nov 08
..ok.. thank you..
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
25 Nov 08
I think this is a heads up for you. If this has been going on for a long time, there is a problem somewhere. Your situation sounds a lot like my best friends situation. Her husband has been lying to her for the past four years. He would disappear for hours at a stretch with out letting her know where he was, he would get calls that would hang up if she answered. Then he would be staying out over night and then telling her lies about where he was. It just finally came out that he was fooling around on her, and had been for quite awhile! It has blown the marriage apart, and now the only thing that my friend needs is the income to take care of herself. Start adding up the pieces, and prepare yourself for anything that might happen. It isn't jealousy it is opening your eyes to the fact that there may be a problem. I hope it isn't a "he's got a girl friend" issue, that maybe it's an extra special surprise for Christmas factor. I just have a sick feeling that it is the former--especially since you've been married such a short time. Just keep your eyes open, and tell him that if he can check out your cell phone you should have the right to check out his!
25 Nov 08
I agree with you, that would be my suspicion on him. It might be a former lover or a new one, but that's just a suspicion. I hope she can find out soon on what's wrong with their relationship why is her husband doing such things. It's not being possessive to check out his cellphone or what is he upto, but the wife should know why is he acting like that and why is he telling lies.
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
26 Nov 08
I have to interject a FUNNY thing that happened yesterday. My best friend has had little or no food in the house since everything blew up. Her cousin came into her house today and made comment about the fact that there was NO food in the refrigerator. I was talking to my best friend and was saying the same thing, and I am able to help some but not as much as I would like to do. Anyhow there was a knock at the door and a lady from one of the churches my friend attended was there. She presented my best friend with a COMPLETE turkey dinner, all the stuff she would need to make the turkey dinner right down to the butter, rolls, potatoes and even the pie!!! Well my best friend's husband came home and was checking out the fridge and noticed that there was two turkeys one in the fridge and one in the freezer. He had the guts to ask her for the second turkey. She instantly knew he was going to take it to his girlfriend, as he doesn't like turkey. She told him "NO", and he tried again. She looked him in the eye and said no again, and stated that she wasn't going to feed Thanksgiving dinner to his girlfriend. He couldn't look her in the eye after that, which confirms both of our suspicions. We both had a wonderful laugh about it, as she has asked me to store the second turkey at my house as I have a chest freezer and plenty of room (and we won't chance his stealing it later!) Watch the signals. They are there and follow your gut feelings about what is happening. Your gut is usually right. And if it turns out that he does have a girlfriend, go in for testing for HIV etc. My best friend has already gone in for a cervical exam and has made the appointment for an HIV/hepatitis check.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 Nov 08
..oh my gosh.. that would be the last thing i don't want to happen.. having those kinds of disease.. you gave me an idea.. thanks..
@veejay19 (3592)
• India
25 Nov 08
In marriage the couple take a sacred wow never to betray each other and to trust each other completely.Where there is complete trust there is love and only love can make the marriage successful. Now i suggest that you try this. Cook his favourite dishes, look presentable when he comes back from work,ignore the messages that come to him on his phone and show to him that you are least interested in who calls him.Don`t ask him where he is going and why he is late or anything of that sort.Now start living your life,go out with your friends and have a good time. slowly make him realise that you are an independant person yourself.If he gets angry then very nicely and gently remind him of his behaviour to you and try and make him understand where he has gone wrong. If he refuses to change then just pack your clothes and go to your parent`s house. If he genuinely loves you then he will try to make up and change and if he doesn`t then go to a marriage counseller along with him. If he still behaves the same then....i am sorry but it is better to exit from such a marriage rather than spoil your whole life living with mistrust, quarrels and misery.
• Philippines
26 Nov 08
..thanks.. your advise is so nice.. however, I'm thinking of my baby.. If possible, I don't want her to grow up in a broken family..
@veejay19 (3592)
• India
26 Nov 08
Oh, i did not know you had a baby. then you must salvage your marriage for the child`s sake but your husband must also cooperate.Explain to him that for the baby`s sake both of you must try and make your marriage successful otherwise the child will get traumatised if the atmosphere in the house is full of tension and quarelling.Remember, children are extremely sensitive and such a situation can impact badly on their minds.All the best.
• Philippines
27 Nov 08
..thanks.. That's I'm trying my best to be nice to my husband despite of what's going on.. I wouldn't like my baby to be affected.. This is also one reason why i am asking for your opinions and advise so that I could have something to ponder on and my feelings also will become lighter.. I really appreciate your thoughts.. may God bless your family..