Am I being over sensetive or would this hur or upset you too?
By Ithink
@Ithink (9980)
United States
January 6, 2009 11:46am CST
To make a long story short, our one daughter had a baby when she was 16. They lived with us and our granddaughter just turned one in November. Now we are the ones that had taken care of them in every sense. Living, feeding, diapers, formula, clothing, toys and just everything a baby needs or wants. Of course we had been taking care of our daughter too.
Last Christmas she went to Florida with her boyfriend to see his family. They came back about 2 weeks later. He moved to Florida and as far as we had known had broken up before he left. He wouldn't keep a job and never provided for either our daughter or granddaughter. He never even really say his daughter.
His family again wanted her to go down so that they could see their granddaughter again and I had no problem with that as it is their granddaughter too. She left New Years Day. They had spent from Christmas Eve up to the night before she was to leave with our granddaughter with his mom up her. (His parents aren't together and both are with other people)
I didn't have a problem, well maybe a small one as I knew that they were leaving and I wanted some time with them. I figured thou they do live with me and we get to see them all the time and they would be back.
Come to find out she planned on staying there and didn't tell us. I'm so hurt and yes even mad over this that it isn't funny! The way it was done. We didn't get any time with them (as I thought they would be back in a few weeks). To make it worse she hasn't even told us! She told my other daughter and my other daughter let me know last night!
Now I know that all kids grow up and move out. Actually I'm one of those parents that am alright with it. However I'm not alright with how this happened and that we didn't get time to say goodbye let alone knew that they were staying down there!
She is 17 so yes I could call her as a runaway and start problems but I don't want to do that along with the fact she will be 18 in 2 months so it isn't worth it and it would just cause hard feelings. Along with the fact it isn't that she she is staying there it is the way she did it. I spent last night after finding out going between crying to being really mad.
Am I over reacting or would you feel the same?
3 people like this
17 responses
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
6 Jan 09
My dear friend, I am so sorry. I would be devastated if this happened to me. When you are a bit calmer, then phone her and find out why she treated her family in such an awful and shabby manner. You must have loved that baby so much and for both of them to disappear like that is just not on.
You must tell her so when you are calm and hear what she has to say. Then take it from there. Don't be angry as this maybe what she wants and would give her the reason not to have contact with you. She is only a baby herself and still needs you, but she is maybe trying to prove that she is al grown up and can manage on her own. If course you are very hurt. I would be too. I hope that it all works out o.k. Blessings
1 person likes this
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
6 Jan 09
I have no problem with it being what she wants. I understand kids grow up and move and need to do what is right for them. I am mad that she did it this way and never gave us warning and didn't let us know so that we could really say goodbye.
I wrote her as I don't want her to hear the hurt in my voice or to hear me cry. As I said I understand just wish she would have been upfront and even then yes there would have been tears but not the hurt.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
6 Jan 09
I think that writing to her was a wise move to make. As you rightly said, you could express your hurt aand tell her that it was very immature for her to move in that manner. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Keep in touch with her though - don't let her have any reason to say that you do not want contact with her. I really feel this for you. God Bless
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
6 Jan 09
I think you have every right to be upset over this. I probably would be too. Like you said, it's not what she did, just how she did it. Have you spoken to her yet? Do the boyfriends parents know she did it like this?
I'd be fuming too, and crying.. it's a tough situation. I wish I could offer some advice, but I can't think of anything to say to this. On one hand she's practically an adult and can do what she chooses, on the other hand her choice to live in another state has caused you to lose your daughter and granddaughter, and that's a decision that everyone in the family should have been a part of, not just her, but her boyfriend, the boyfriend's parents (if she plans on living with them) and of course her own parents.
1 person likes this
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
6 Jan 09
I haven't spoken to her yet, I did write her as I don't want her to hear my voice, hear the hurt that is and we don't have long distance. I do think they all knew but I don't know if they thought she told us or that we discussed it. I only knew his parents up her and we weren't on such good terms as they did nothing to help. It isn't a family I would pick as friends.
My gut instinct is that it was all planned and we were the ones left out as she took certain things you wouldn't if you were going for just a visit. Of course I didn't know that she took them til the next day.
I'm more hurt then mad at this point.
Thanks for responding.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
22 Jan 09
you are not being over sensitive. My little 17 yr old has turned 22 and recently I just went thru some similar stuff with her. Thankfully she doesn't have kids or it'd feel much worse...notice I use the word "FEEL",. that is really what it is all about. they don't realize how they make us feel when they choose not to communicate. my daughter flits and flies...comes & goes.... it's nervwracking really. still...my door is always open for her....she is my girl. often wish it were not so emotional...doesn't have to be.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Yes it was and is very emotional, nothing that I can really do but be there for her, hope them the best and miss them like crazy! I do have older kids up here on their own (with babies), 2 at home 13 and 16 and we have our 2 year old granddaughter that we are raising.
It doesn't replace them but it does keep me busy and gives me babies to love. I think it is harder as she lived here with her daughter and I got to see them everyday.
@sxrxnrr45601 (1171)
• United States
7 Jan 09
OMG i would be so hurt it is a damn shame that you were not given the heads up on this maybe some day she will talk to you about it and you can get your feeling out I would be calling or going down there myself not to bring her back but to give her and the baby their stuff and give her a peice of my mind but thats just me
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
Believe me if I had the means to go down I would but we don't and we still have other kids at home so I cant just leave. I don't think it would get me anywhere either, seeing that his whole family wants her there.
We have talked she called last night, we only talked a little thou. I did write her again today so I am keeping the communication open. I again did let her know how much this hurt and how she went about it the wrong way. I also told her we love them and I hope it works out for them.
Meanwhile one of the harder things is still yet to come. She told me to just go thru it all and get rid of it. That is going to be hard going thru it.
Thanks for commenting.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
8 Jan 09
Getting rid of the stuff to help others will be no problem or even keeping some as we have a 13,16 and another 2 year old granddaughter that we have guardianship of. We also have another 9 grandbabies so it will all go to those that can use.
I also give to the Woman's Care Center and will some more stuff to help out. It does make it easier thinking of it helping others.
Thanks again.
@sxrxnrr45601 (1171)
• United States
7 Jan 09
maybe you could find a local family to give the things to or give them to your local childern services to help other kids maybe that will help a lil knowing it would help someone out but I personaly would find a family myself good luck and I am sorry that you have gone through this
@iskayz (5420)
• Philippines
7 Jan 09
Hi there!
If I were in your shoe, I will get mad too and feel disappointed at my daughter. First of all, I am her mother and if there's anyone in the world that should be the first to know, that should be me. That's how I see it. But I will not stop taking care of her in any way I can.
It's just right for you to get mad at your daughter. It's a natural emotion for a mother that has been hurt. I know your daughter has her own reasons and maybe thinks that she is old enough to decide for herself but with respect to you being her mother she should have told you about living with her in-laws.
I think you should talk to her but do it when your anger has subsided. Things might get complicated if you both won't hear each one's side in a calm manner. I hope you two will patch things up. And if ever chance won't permit for both of you to talk, just pray for her that she would receive the same love you are giving her and your granddaughter.
God bless!
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
After I wrote her she called me, we did talk a little and I let her know that we were hurt. She said that she was sorry that she just thought that if she hold told us we wouldn't had let her go down.
I told her that she was almost 18 and that we want her to be happy but that not telling us and doing it this way really hurt. That we didn't get the time with them to say goodbye and to give that extra hug and stuff as we thought that she would be back in 2 weeks or so. She again said that she was sorry. Personally I'm not over it and my heart hasn't accepted the apology. I know that I will have to get over it and move on thou. Right now thou I'm still hurt and upset.
Thanks for the comment.
1 person likes this
@conbill (369)
• United States
22 Jan 09
No you are not being oversensitive, and I feel your pain. My oldest grandson and his mom lived with me until he was 2 1/2. She also moved out without telling me, sold what she owned and went to Michigan. I was devastated and mad all at the same time. It wasn't four months later she returned as things didn't work out the way she thought. At first our relationship was very hard as I tried to keep my distance because of being so hurt and angry. Now 11 years later, my daughter and I are closer then ever. Even though she now lives an hour away, I see her and both her kids at least once a week and we talk on the phone everyday. Hopefully everything will work out for you also. You will be in my thoughts.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
26 Jan 09
Isnt it just so hard when they have lived in your house and you see them everyday and then they are just gone?! I am hoping that it works for her and she can have the family that she wants. I dont know if it will but I can hope. We have no family down there, it is just all his family.
Thanks for responding =)
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
7 Jan 09
i don't think you are over-reacting or being over too sensitive at all... i will be mad as well if i were in your position and i will definitely questioned here a lot of her intentions of moving out without even telling me... after what i had done to her and her baby, the least thing she can do to repay my kindness is telling me when she wants to move out... i think she has her own reasons behaving in such a way and it is your job to find out... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
She wrote and I know her reason but I don't agree with it at all. She said it was because she didn't think we would let her go down then. She is going to be 18 and therefore would be able to in 2 months anyways.
I told her all I want is for you to be happy, but I do wish you would have given us time with you guys like everyone else got. I think maybe she had a hard time facing us and stuff seeing she knew what she was up to.
I know I will need to move on and get over it but right now it is to fresh of a pain. Thanks for responding.
@us2owls (1681)
• United States
7 Jan 09
I don't think that your are over reacting at all. Yes your daughter is 17 but what about that baby. It would be my biggest concern. Maybe the reason your daughter didn't tell you herself is that she knew she was making the wrong move. Cool down and then when you talk to your daughter tell her the decision was hers to make but leave the door open for her because I have a feeling she will want to come back. Being with a man that shows very little interest in his own child and the resposibility for her taking care of the child 24/7 will probably make her realize he has made a mistake.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
I know that our granddaughter will be taken care of my thing is the way she did this. I don't know where this will end thou. He at least down there has a job and caring parents where up here he didn't so I think they let him know they expect things from him and one will be to take care of her and our daughter. They do seem to be a close knit family there.
We did talk and she said she didn't tell us as she was afraid that we wouldn't let her go down and that she really loves him and they want to be a family. I basically gave her my blessings but told her she went about it the wrong way and that we were really hurt and yes upset. She again said she was sorry. I don't think I'm ready to accept it in my heart thou, as it is still broken.
Yes it will be different for her down there, she did take care of the baby a lot thou up here. It was financial and of course with love that we did. However I would watch the baby when she went places if she wanted me too. They all work there so I don't know and it is different taking care of a baby by yourself when you are used to having back-up.
Thanks for the response.
@chevill (316)
• Philippines
7 Jan 09
oh i can relate to your story, many of us here has the same problem with yours and im a mother now of 1 girl and I just realize that being a mother is not that easy but it feels good too! Being mother to our children doesn't ends when we already have our grandchildren but I think you should teach your daughter how she should stnad up and being a responsible mom to her kid. she's too young right but step by step, one day at a time. Soon she will realize everything, don't treat them as one of your kids that needs to understand all the time. help her to leran the lesson and take the risk she went.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
Being a mom isn't easy at all, we have 7 biological children and we do still have a granddaughter that we are raising. So all in all for all purposes 6 girls and 2 boys is what we have dealt with and are still dealing with. It doesn't end like other jobs. LOL!
I accept that she is her own person and has risks to take in life as she is doing now. I just don't like the way she went about it. It wasn't right or fair. Thanks for responding.
@celebratelifeh (1142)
• China
7 Jan 09
finally i have read all this long story out. it's really something drives person to mad that if his daughter bring a baby at the age of 16 . herself is still a child too..how to breed a kid with a boy who don't hold any job..it's terrible thing really. but just look the sun side. children has there own life and happiness. parents can't and please don't care them as they are a baby..
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
I know that she was young and that is one reason we decided to allow her to stay and help with the baby. At first he was really good at seeing his child but then he just stopped, not sure the reason. Then he went down to Florida and his dad made him grow up, so he now has a job.
I know that all kids need to grow and have their own lives and I'm very willing to allow this. It was the way that it happened and that we weren't even told this was happening and yet everyone else did. We didn't get the time to spend with them thou we are the closest to them and have been there for them.
I know I will get over it is just that the pain is so new and knowing that we didn't really get to say goodbye and have time with them before they left.
Thanks for responding.
@actualfactual (57)
• United States
7 Jan 09
Ouch. I can see why you would be upset, and your daughter does not appear to be very respectful. But on the other hand, no insult intended, but there is a very good chance that her life will be quite a train wreck for a while. You will have to decide now what you are going to willing to do for her in the future, because she most likely will be back or will be calling you for money. It doesn't sound like she has the best decision making skills so far. But no matter what, you should let her gently know how you feel about her disapearing act. Your feelings deserve to be heard. I hope she figures things out and raises the child successfully. I see many grandparents struggle after being stuck with having to raise the second generation when their children and their boy/girlfriends fail.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
Well she finally called last night after I had written her. She said that she had been afraid that we wouldn't let her go if we had none. I basically told her that she knew better. That all we want is her to be happy and of course have a good home life. That we were really hurt that she did it this way as no one (she has 6 siblings) got to see them and spend time with them before she went. That I was so hurt and yes angry. She kept saying she was sorry and that she just wants to be with him and make a family. I told her I love them and wish them the best.
We are one of those grandparents struggling to raise a grandchild at home too. We do have guardianship of our 2 year old granddaughter and have had her basically since birth. It is funny as I have some really adult like children and then others that just seem to live. If you understand what I mean.
I know that hubby and I will have to discuss how far we are willing to help her out in the future too now. He has been one that unless you are being abused or something major once you move out it is time to grow up and make it on your own. Probably because we had to.
Thanks for responding.
@ethansmommy06 (401)
• United States
7 Jan 09
if it were me id be upset too. i mean she could have told you but maybe she thought you would have protested or something. you may have. the point is that she shoud have had the courage to tell you instead of up and leaving without notice of not comming back. Not to mention the lack of graditude for all you have done for her and her baby. I think she owes you an opology.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
8 Jan 09
Well we have told her that she could move out before with him. I don't know. We have talked thou and I did tell her how we felt that there was family that would have liked to say goodbye too. She has 6 siblings and 9 nieces and nephews. She did say that she thought if she told me that we would tell her she couldn't go down. I informed her she was wrong. However we would have liked to have had time with her and our granddaughter. She said she was sorry.
I will move on and get over it just upsetting.
Thanks for your response.
@paoxav (1382)
• Philippines
7 Jan 09
No, you're not over sensitive, in fact, you will be insensitive if you wont be disappointed by this! After all you've done to her, she still manage to do those upsetting things that she shouldn't. Damn, she must atleast requite the kindness that you've given to her after all. If I were you, I'll go teach her a lesson that she'll gonna learn. I guess she's taking you for granted.
@Dannayzay (23)
• United States
7 Jan 09
I would feel the same exact way if I was your husband. Your daughter tried to escape without hurting you face to face, taking the easy way out so to speak. It is very sad when children do this, and the only way to learn from this is to move forward and know your daughter and granddaughter are alive and healthy.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
That is basically what my husband said, he doesn't show emotion as I do but I know that he is hurt and misses them.
I know I have to move forward it is hard thou when I'm the one left going thru the grandbabies clothes and packing them up. I haven't done it yet but I know I need to along with our daughters stuff. She did call and we talked. I told her how hurt I am.
Yes I will remember at least I know they are alive and healthy. Thank you for responding.
@biznizman01 (581)
• Philippines
7 Jan 09
I admire you by the way you handle things. You have the right to be angry and you certainly did not over reacted. But you must relay how you feel to your daughter. Otherwise, she may think what she did is just ok. Maybe this move will teach your daughter a very hard lesson of life. She would be the one to take care of the baby now and do those other stuff that you usually do. Taking care of a baby will test you mentally as well as physically. This could be a rude awakening for her. Let her know that the door is always open if she decided to come back or ask for help.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
Thanks for responding. I do think that they have a chance at this relationship, his family down there seems to be pretty good unlike what he had up here. He got work down there so that is a big plus.
I did let her know I was and am really disappointed in how she handled this and that it wasn't fair to us. That we didn't get time to say goodbye like his family up here. That letting them all know but us was just wrong. That it just plain hurts.
I know that you get used to it but for now I go from still crying and hurt to being mad. I guess to just keep the communication open is the only thing I can do, but I do agree that she needs to know how bad it hurt us and that it wasn't ok.
She did call and apologize, I just don't think my heart is totally ready to accept it.
Again thanks.
@jordan04n (463)
• United States
7 Jan 09
She knew she was doing the wrong thing to you. This is the reason why she didn't tell you herself...Writing her a letter was brilliant. You must remember how she is and not let her do this to you again. Set limits and do not waver. Do not send messages to me by others if you have something to say to me do it yourself....She has not learned to communicate is young and immature. She is a child with a child and has alot of growing up to do that will hurt her becauses of her choices. Your home is open year round not just on holidays. Every day is precious and should be treated as Christmas. Look forward to tomorrow. Take your pain to the Lord and His comfort will overcome you with joy.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
7 Jan 09
That is what I came up with too, she knew she was doing wrong and that is why she spent so much time with his family up here before taking off. ( I say this as she has never liked his mother)
She did write back that she was sorry and was afraid that I wouldn't let her go if we knew that she wanted to stay there. Now I wouldn't have liked it but I know that she is almost of adult age so we would have let her. It is that we helped raise our granddaughter they wanted for nothing and we did it all, noone in his family helped with anything, not even really seeing them. I can count on 1 hand how much they saw them before they found out she was going and staying.
Ughh I need to get over this thou as I hate feeling this way. It is just I would have liked time to get used to the idea and spend more time with them before they left.
Thanks for responding.
@mikkymyde (182)
• Nigeria
7 Jan 09
I understand how you feel,but it's better you continue to take care of her and her baby rather than having her go out and cause you more trouble
