Have anyone adopted a child and regretting it later?

@ellie26 (4128)
Malaysia
February 27, 2009 12:22pm CST
The other day, a distraught friend of mine called me and started venting out her frustration over her adopted children behavior. She said that her adopted children were driving her crazy and that she couldn't take it anymore. After talking for quite a while, she suddenly said she regretted adopting them and that she is seriously thinking of dumping them somewhere, never to see them again. I was stunned with what she just said. I thought how can a mother said such a thing even if they were not her flesh and blood. I told her that was not the right thing to do and that they are her responsibilities now. Would you send your adoptive children away if they were not up to your expectation or if they were giving you hard time?
3 people like this
14 responses
@Darkwing (21590)
27 Feb 09
Oh boy... this doesn't sound too good. The kids only behave the way the parents allow them to, adopted or not. I think your friend should reconsider giving them up without a fight. It might be a good idea to sit them down and lay out some ground rules for starters, and stick by them. Brightest Blessings.
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
27 Feb 09
You are right. Parents are their role model. But kids are kids, and when they are naughty, they will turn their parents life upside down, lol.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21590)
27 Feb 09
Yes, kids will be kids, I agree, but if they're turning the parents' lives upside down then the parents should change the situation. After all, you don't give birth to kids an expect them to just do as they want... you educate them to be respectful and know what's accepted and what isn't. Surely this goes the same for adopted kids?
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@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
28 Feb 09
Of course we cannot just give birth and let the kids do as they want. Educating children should be from the early age, biological or adopted. The problem is when we adopt a child who has his/her own characteristic, bad or good. It would be hard to make them change but it is possible.
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@Annmac (950)
27 Feb 09
I think I'd tell her that it's perfectly normal to feel that way sometimes, even when the children are your own flesh and blood, lol. I often felt like 'dumping my kids' when they had been playing up. I used to tell my husband to 'control HIS kids' when I was frustrated with them too. (They were of course MINE when they were being Good) It's frustration talking and I'm sure she doesn't mean it any more than I did, so please don't judge her too harshly. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can't get frustrated or angry with them and it's far better to 'vent' your frustrations to someone else than to bottle it up or even say something really hurtful to the person that will be remembered long after the mood has passed. If you have children and have never felt this way yourself then you are either very lucky and have 'perfect children' or you're a very calm person.
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@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
27 Feb 09
Yes, you are right. She is not usually like that. I have seen how she handle her children, very loving and gentle. Perhaps it was 'those time' of the month. lol. I too sometimes get really annoyed with my kids. Usually I will just punish them like not allowing them to watch tv or use the computer. It usually works.
@Annmac (950)
27 Feb 09
I used a punishment that suited the child, for my daughter grounding or being excluded from company worked well, whereas my son wouldn't see that as punishment, even now as an adult he likes being alone! I'd stop him watching TV or going on the computer instead. lol
1 person likes this
@TLChimes (4842)
• United States
27 Feb 09
Being a parent is hard but there is no "give backs" and it is horrible to think of the damage that could be done if one of the kids heard that mom didn't want them anymore. A lot of mental issues come from taking on a parents garbage and that's what will happen with this if they feel or hear her thoughts. They will feel unworthy, hurt and lost. Unwanted. Who could want a child to feel like that? No matter what's going on, or how tired of them you are, it is still the parents job to smile, guide, and take care of the whole child. That means not just feeding their bodies but also their hearts and minds. Parents CHOOSE to have (or adopt) children, the kids don't choose who their parents are. Poor kids.
1 person likes this
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
27 Feb 09
"Parents CHOOSE to have (or adopt) children, the kids don't choose who their parents are." This a very good words for parents. [i][/i]
@lilnono (228)
• United States
27 Feb 09
The situation you are describing is terrible but I don't think it's that unusual. I know some people who were adopted as infants whose parents got rid of them as soon as they turned 18 and never really kept in close contact with them or helped then with college or anything. I think some people think that just because a lot of people have kids that it must be easy. All they see is the fun and games and not the lose of freedom that comes from being responsible for another person's life. I'm curious to know how many children your friend has. Maybe she could have handled it better if she just got one. I knew a couple that adopted 6 children and they couldn't wait to get rid of them. It's really despicable. They wrote a book and everything trying to make themselves sound so deep and giving but as soon as they were no longer legally responsible for the kids they didn't care about them anymore.
@ellie26 (4128)
• Malaysia
27 Feb 09
My friend adopted a girl, 7 and a boy, 5. I think at that age, children are a bit naughty. May be she was really angry that she just blurted out those words.
@psspurgeon1 (1110)
• United States
28 Feb 09
Ok now, tell your friend to call the adoption agency. They will offer therapy and counseling to her and the children to make this go more smoothly. There are also sad cases where the children are just not a good fit for this family. The adoption agency will help her sort out her emotions and help her figure out how to deal with the children effectively and then after all resourses are exhausted if the situation is not any better, they can unadopt them. There is help out there for adoptive families because this is such a huge change in their life. Believe it or not, sometimes there are genuine reasons that it can't work out. She needs to get in contact with the right people and help will be available.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
28 Feb 09
My goodness I wouldn't do that to my adopted daughters. I have two now. No matter what happen I can't be so heartless to send them away. I pluck them from miseries and would not put them back to their sufferings. They did not ask to be adopted and their bad behaviour could be corrected if we give them the love that they were deprived of from their biological parents. Once they are in my hands they are as good as my biological children. They need me now as much as I need them when I am old and helpless.
• United States
28 Feb 09
my friend sam was adopted when he was a baby, and he is a pain in the you know what, i've heared how he talks to his parents, and i don't understand how they except it. they have two other boys, that are their biological, and they treat them all exactlly the same. they have really big hearts. at one point his mom wanted to adopt me, but i don't think my parents would have liked that lol.
1 person likes this
@kiran8 (15347)
• Mangalore, India
28 Feb 09
I think you are right in judging her. When a person adopts a child , he or she should have total commitment and love for the child. Once the child is adopted it becomes your own and there is no question of dumping the child! and afteral she is the one who has brought them up, so she is partly to blame if they are not behaving properly. I have a friend who has adopted child and she is now a teenager and their bonding is so intense, that my friend hates it when someone says that she is not the girls real mother ..
@tjades (3594)
• Jamaica
28 Feb 09
Hi ellie. I just started a discussion a few hours ago about wanting to adopt a child if I find myself in the position to do so. It is interesting that I have now come upon this discussion. It can I guess get scary and frustrating for parents when their adopted children start acting up but I think that the main thing to bear in mind is that maybe if they were our own natural born children they would behave the same. Adoptive children tend to be overly sensitive sometimes and like most kids will rebel as a means of coping with their insecure feelings. It is sad when one as to resort to the thought of getting rid of these kids. Would I have the thought do the same with my own child or would I still try my best to nuture and guide? Its not easy I guess. A little encouragement may be what the doctor recommends for your friend. Sometimes when we are able to view our own situations from a far we are able to find solutions to our problems.
@dpk262006 (55825)
• Delhi, India
28 Feb 09
You are right in your opinion and I also feel that your friend should not behave like this. She should bring up the children with all her diligence and patience. Even her own children could have been naughty and would have driven her to nuts. She should not think that since she has not given birth to those children, so they are troubling her more. She should have patience to bear their tantrums. One of my relatives, adopted a girl. She feel ill seriously and was to be admitted in a hospital for a month, immediately after adoption. Some of the persons advised him to dump the girl, as too much amount was being incurred on her treatment, however, he did not agree to it. The girl became alright after the treatment and now she is a very healthy and intelligent girl of 6 years and the couple takes care of her more than they would have done to their real daughter.
1 person likes this
@violeta_va (4842)
• Australia
28 Feb 09
It does not have to be adopted kids even our biological kids can make us feel that way my biological son has his days when he is playing up so badly I just want to walk out the door and go somewhere only I cant do that he would burn the house down.
1 person likes this
@djmarion (4903)
• Philippines
28 Feb 09
i think adopting a child is good especially when you can't have a child in your womb, i know a family who adopted a child and treated her like their own, in fact they love her very much and spoiled her rotten. sometimes adopting a child also bears the risk of having them with bad attitude, so adopters or foster parents have to get a back ground check to know their roots and past life experiences. yet sometimes its all with how to handle them, other child really a not so good attitude but can be corrected with patience and love.
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@phoenix25 (1543)
• United States
27 Feb 09
Wow.... Well, I'm sure it happens. But, I know it happens with people and their own biological children too. There are days that I get so mad at my son (he's my biological son) and kind of wish I didn't have a child, but there is no way I would seriously think about doing what all those other people did and dump him at a hospital in Nebraska because I just didn't want him anymore. I could never do something like that, no matter how mad my kid made me or whether the child was my biological child or adopted child. I guess that's one drawback of adopting children...because perhaps the parent won't have developed a close attachment to the child and would consider abandoning it, but in my opinion that's something that happens with biological children as well.
@maximax8 (27048)
27 Feb 09
I would love to adopt a little girl that needs a home. If i did I would always care for her. I would sort of any problems in a loving way. I think adopted children need stability with their adoptive parents. I think that your friend needs help. Some children can display demanding behavior. I am a primary school teacher and I have taught some adopted children. One lady tried for ten years to get pregnant but she didn't manage to. She adopted three children from a background of neglect. The two boys had run away from home because their natural parents were so unkind. She came to me in tears one day and told me the boys were being impossible. One of the boys had tried to set the house on fire. She said if it wasn't for the little girl she would have given up on her adopted children.
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