How do you deal with the ex? Where to draw the line.....
By peedielyn
@peedielyn (1207)
United States
June 3, 2009 2:44pm CST
My boyfriend has shared parenting with his childrens' mother. She is working and going to school full time and rarely spends time with the kids and they live with her. When I say that she rarely spends time with them, I mean, she gets them back from him on Sunday, then she sends them to school Monday morning and after school they go to a sitter. She doesn't see them again until Friday afternoon, where she rushes them back to dad for the weekend. I am so aggravated because there are more than enough reasons for me to bite someones head off.
My latest problem is that the kids are 10 and 12 and when they come here they stink to high hell! The 12 year old (boy) has a dirt ring around his neck that we have tried relentlessly to get off of him. Personally, he grosses me out. He's a good kid but lazy. The 10 year old is whiny and tattles on the littlest of things and fights tooth and nail to take a shower. She is constantly talking about what goes on here and over dramatizing it to her mother, which in return, she calls and cusses my BF out. For example, I just bought my little one a new dress for her daddy/daughter dance for church. The 10 year old got mad because I spent $70 on it and didn't buy her one. We got yelled at for it because I didn't spend any money on her. I explained that my kid is my responsibility and seeing that they don't even go to the same church or even the same town, what I do with my daughter is none of her business. She acts like a two year old most of the time and smells like a sweaty, dirty 16 year old. What to do here?
The other problem is the ex. i don't mind that she calls to talk to the kids or even my BF as long as it's about the kids and what-not. I don't want her calling to talk about her BF's latest escapade or how long her perm took or what it cost. I thought I was just being jealous but then I found out that my BF doesn't want to talk about that crap either. He is overweight, and diabetic and is on blood pressure meds right now. He is getting better because of the diet that he is on. The stress from her non-stop drama is darn near killing my BF. I told him where to tell her to go but he's afraid she will rape him for more money in child support. Right now, he's paying over $500 a month for 2 kids and one of them might not be his but that's another discussion. What would you do with all of this? I am about to pull my hair out. I am not being the jealous over-bearing new girlfriend by any means, but I would like peace. Any suggestions??
I fear that these
3 people like this
7 responses
@vivianchen (2646)
• China
4 Jun 09
Hello Dear,
I am sorry about what happened to you and your boyfriend. There is not much i can advice as we are from the different country and different culture. Like we can't have a baby before we got married, i mean we need to give the baby and ID. The only way to give the baby a ID is your marriage certificate. It's total different, huh?
In your case, i will suggest you to talk to your boyfriend's EX, told her all your thoughts. I know you don't want to get into a fight with her, just try you best to talk calm.
I think you should talk to your BF too. Maybe you guys can figure out a best way to let her not talk that much, maybe just leave the phone open, but you guys are somewhere else.
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
4 Jun 09
I just hope you got everything she agreed to in writing!! If not, it will be her word against your bf's. And that could end up costing y'all. Get it in writing, then if she ever goes back on it, you have proof. Also, make sure that you get it witnessed and notorized, it doesn't cost but like $5 and it is worth it in the end. As no one ever called child protective services on her or her 'certified' sitter? I'm surprised that the kids' school hasn't stepped in, if they are coming to your home needing bathes, I would assume they go to school like that also.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157652)
• United States
4 Jun 09
I am with palonghorn on this one. The "get it in writing thought", and the protective services as well. Just whenever she talks about stuff that is random to you, say calmly "Not my business".
1 person likes this
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
4 Jun 09
You are right about that whole going to school like that! The 12 year old with the ring around the neck gets beat up all the time. They are in a catholic school, so they are super strict. I feel for him because he's turning out to be the "smelly fat kid". My friend was talking about him and joking until I told her that was my future step-son. I told her that was like a nightmare when we were kids to be called the smelly kid. I told Kelly that I would draw it up and we would go from there. I am a notary and I am going to school to become a lawyer, so we got most of this in the bag....I hope. Thanks for replying!
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@angelsmummy (1696)
•
3 Jun 09
This is a real hard one, i have discussed it with my partner as I normally do ith good discussions and even he os out of words! I think what you need to do firstly is arrange a dna test asap as he doesnt need to be paying for a child that is not his. Secondly if it would be okay for both of you to do, can you not have the kids living with you and your BF? This woman sounds like she needs a good slap!!! I understand where you are coming from as my friend is in the same situation and she is just in the process of her BF's child moving in with them 2! Good luck I know its not much advice but I hope it helps!! =D
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
3 Jun 09
When we discussed the kids not coming out or changing the arrangements, she threatened him with taking the kids from us--PERIOD! I love them to pieces but this arrangement is a peice of work! She is bucking the situation to suit her own needs. I have SOLE custody of mine so they are with us all the time. Like I said, we are trying to make ends meet but it's just not working out right. She is demanding and I think if he did get the test done, knowing that the other possibility of a father is a "real winner" and he points out that he's not the little girls father, maybe, just maybe she will cut us some slack. Thank you for the response! I appreciate all I can get right now.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157652)
• United States
4 Jun 09
I have looked at the other discussions, but I think I will just put what I have to say here. First, find out about the parentage of the little girl. Second, be prepared for the ex to tell the little girl and try to turn her against him, if he stands his ground. Third, make sure the boy is being monitored for diabetes. He may not really be lazy. His blood sugar may be messed up.I cannot remember where I read it, lately, but some skin discoloration can indicate diabetes. Fourth, there is no reason for you to talk to the ex. BF needs to make that clear, and he needs to draw his personal space as well. He needs to keep conversations relevant to the kids and their well being.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
4 Jun 09
You are in a tough spot. I don't think you are being jealous. I understand why you are concerned for your boyfriend's health and stress level and all. Still, he is really the only one that can take a stance and do anything about the situation. All you really can do is encourage him and offer suggestions. As for what you spend on your own daughter....that is none of their business and I would not hesitate to tell them so. As for the child support...it seems like a lot but it actually isn't. When you think of it, it breaks down to about 62.00 per week per child. If he doesn't think his kids are being properly cared for by their mom, he should report it and maybe even fight for custody. If he isn't willing to take action, I think you should just not get so involved and focus on your daughter. You should not be putting more energy and concern into these kids than their own parents are.
1 person likes this
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
11 Jun 09
The only flaw in that is that here in ohio, if child support can rape you they will. He makes $8 more on the hour than he did and they will end up taking his whole check until he can get the DNA test done. I hope it works out!!
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
4 Jun 09
peedielyn,
IMO, your boyfriend has really got to get a hold of himself and come off straight with his ex and her children.
If there is no way his current situation with you could really care for the children at the other end, then he is to seek legal and welfare counsel and assistance. There is no point trying to wear a hat that is too big for his head. Besides, it is not really fair for you to be bearing the brunt of it at this end.
Now that times are bleak, I am sure that child support is not going to be easy on his shoulders. And his ex, could jolly be schooling and not have an inkling hands on her children when she is granted custody, is really unthinkable. There is really something wrong somewhere and I am not really sure that the both of you do not find anything amiss.
He already has health issues and if he continues this way, I am just wondering if this is at all fair to you. I am just concern and wondering what will happen to your family when he departs prematurely. No offense, but I feel it is time for him to do some tidying up and a lot of bucking up.
As for the children, I feel that as long as they are at your place, they should respect and be observant of the rules in your own home. Like it or not, they will have to play by your rules. On the finance side, I felt that their mother should be responsible for their shopping and that any expenses that you incur on their behalf should be claimable from their mother at the end of the day. I feel that there must be clearly define lines drawn in every aspect and that both parties should be amicable.
Take care.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
5 Jun 09
peedielyn,
I believe your husband is basically a downright good and soft-hearted person. He knows what to do but due to his nature, he just could not say no when he should.
I really hope that he will get around this weakness of his, by realizing that if he continues his errant ways - he will be spoiling everything instead of getting things done and problems resolved. There is just so much one can do and we cannot take on everything.
Besides, getting down to what he needs to do, I believe he will need your firm support and encouragement, here. After what he has been through, he can be very lost like a navigator without a map and compass. So, I would advocate that the both of you start concentrating on your family and his health. Start casting in stone, the plans for the future and structural ladders for the current problems. Take them one at a time, start managing and be consistent.
I really hope that by being more firm and organized here, he will be able to have a sense of direction and purpose for his present life. Hopefully, gaining more with his health and life, he will be able to take care of your family and you at the end of the day.
Take care.
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
11 Jun 09
He read your post and totally agrees with both of us. He said that he felt for her in the beginning and has just let her walk all over him and he needs to stop it. So far she isn't fighting too bad about it. She has only called once to talk about the kids and then he said he didn't want to hear about her current fling. She got upset but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH already and I told him that I am proud of him. this is the first step to regaining his life back.
1 person likes this
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
4 Jun 09
Wow! Would you like to come out and talk some sense to him! Thank you! I am going to let him read this tonight!!
1 person likes this
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
4 Jun 09
yeah she's a jerk.. i would take pictures of the kids, and if you guys can afford it i would go for custody of them. parnets like she is upset me she can't take care of her kids, and leave them dirty.
he need to step up and get on his kids about bathing more and better, that is his place. step parents need to allow the parent deal with it.
and if i was him, and even you. tell her if you call make it about the kids only. not about your dumb perm or whatever.
but your b/f need not to stress too much, but i would get custody of the kids for sure.
good luck to you guys, hope your b/f do well with things
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@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
4 Jun 09
Thank you! Her defense is that she explained to them when they were 8 and 9 that things were going to be tuff on them because she is going to school. Kids don't understand things like that! I'm just irritated about what is considered "neglect" these days, you know??!
1 person likes this
@camomom (7535)
• United States
23 Jun 09
I know exactly where you're coming from. I think first of all, he needs to get a court ordered paternity test done. he needs to keep records of everything that she does wrong towards the kids and back up the records with any proof that he can get. Make sure that she knows that she is not welcomed to call unless it has to do with the kids. Even though you are not their parent, you need to do the best that you can to be the best parent to them that you possibly can, even if they hate it. As long as you and your BF are on the same page and are doing what's best for them. You're right, it's not your place to spend your money on her kids.You don't need to explain anything to her about your kids. Take pictures of the dirt on the kids when they come to your house. He needs to put his foot down and when or if it goes to court about child support he needs to bring all his documentation and pictures and proof with him to show that they should be with him instead of her. maybe the judge will lower the support or give him custody. Unfortunately, there may be nothing that you can do about it. I'm in the same boat with camodad's ex about their son. She's never around for him either. He's always at a sitter or with his uncle or grandmother and never with his mother. Thank G he's with us every other week and we ARE here for him and we DO take care of him.
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
24 Jun 09
I thank you so much for commenting. I needed the extra reminding. We have kept notes but I forgot about the pictures. He has pretty much cut all ties with the ex which makes me happy in more ways than one. The judge that ruled in the situation told us that she could drop only half the support if she turned out to not be his, but since she knew the "bio-dad possible" she would rather my BF remain on the birth certificate and totally recommended that we not tell her anything until it was time to. We totally agree. We aren't doing this just to get back at the ex, but to know once and for all and to make sure she's not at risk of having the health risks dad has. His health is horrible and this is what we are telling the ex. The little girl is so spoiled and out of reality, that we think this kinda info would just blow her away. Her mom said that she has her convinced that she's an angel and that it was my BF fault the marraige went south, so to tell her this might make her look bad to the daughter. I said, "you have some nerve telling us not to do the right thing for that little girl". She just graduated from school (college) and is STILL not taking the correct parenting measures with the kids. Keep me posted on what you are doing and I will make sure that I let you all know what we are doing and how it goes. I will try to post as much as I can. Thank you again and the advice was wonderful!
@camomom (7535)
• United States
24 Jun 09
You're welcome. It sounds like we are in the same boat and can help each other out. I hope that things work out for that poor little girl regardless of who her bio-dad is. I agree that they need to find out because of health reasons. Diabetes is hard to deal with especially for a child. Camodad is diabetic too, so I know how hard it can be.Good luck and I'll keep you posted if we have any changes or I come up with more useful advice.
