Should the parents be very strict while raising thier children?
By vijayanths
@vijayanths (7877)
India
August 5, 2009 2:09pm CST
I have seen many strict parents whose children are having some kind of fear and hatred towards them. The modern psychologists say that the parents should move with the children like friends. But if you are too liberal again the problems starts. the children may not have the self control and may slip from doing their duties. It may even cost them a good education and eventually a good career too.
What do you think mylotters?
6 people like this
29 responses
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
5 Aug 09
Hello Vijay,
I guess there is no specific rules for raising kids to make them good ones.
But i can say that having good relationship with them,being friends with them is one way of making them closer to us(parents).One best way to win them is be their friends,go down to their level,but with respect.
We should learn to listen to them,and not us always telling them what to do.
We should asks their opinion and suggestions too.
Gives quality time with them,knows their interests and help them to grow with it.
If someone likes musics,then dance with the rythym,my son loves to play guitar,so i bought him one,and pretend to learn how to play guitar also(anyway,i like to play guitar)and sings their songs(even if their genre is not good in our ears)
My daughter loves to play flute,i bought her one too,and she also loves to paint,i bought her painting materials and draw with her.(good thing too,i knew some sketches)
My youngest son loves to watch cartoon movies,he had his own player in his room not to disturb his sister and brother.
This things keep them busy instead of roaming around,at least they stays home and i don't need to worry.
I just hope this kind of upbringing i started with them will make them a good person and that they will succeed in the future.
I stilll had a long way to go before i can say,i made them good person and good kids.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
5 Aug 09
Looks like you are a great mom too Jaiho. You have several faces, all are very good.Your children would come up in life very well.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Jaiho, I would like to join with Kala in wishing you and children a great future.
@shimanaja (493)
• Indonesia
6 Aug 09
I'm always keep my children sense save. I mean, do not have to be the hard way to teach them.
Being friend with them but still keep the lead and give the best way.
We're trying always to be wise for them, and also be firm what wrong or right.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Cyne, I agree with you that little fear can do good to the child. You can maintain that fear with out beating or abusing.
@CynergyDiva (805)
• Canada
6 Aug 09
Being a friend to your children in my opinion is not the way to go. Their friends should be their peers and they have plenty of those already. Kids need parents. In today's society you see too many kids that are being raised by so called "friends" and not parents. This wanting to be a child's friend, I believe, has come about by confusing strictness with abuse. Now - a - days if you even so much as look cross eyed at your child, you've scarred them for life. No one wants to tell their child "no", and so too many parents have decided it's easier to give their children another friend in lieu of a parent.
Strictness is exactly what kids need, and we as parents shouldn't have to be afraid to make our kids tow the line. Sometimes that means you can't spare the rod. Again, I am not talking abuse here. Go back to the forties and fifties when children were raised by a strong parental presence and compare how they turned out with how kids are turning out today. A little fear never hurt any child. Kids are afraid of nothing today and it shows. All you have to do is look around to see that towing the line is becoming less and less common among children.
Being your child's friend in their eyes puts them on the same level as you and that can only lead to a loss of respect. You have plenty of time to develop a friendship with your child when he or she becomes an adult, but children need guidance and boundaries; this cannot be given to them by a friend.
xoxo
Cyne
@daryljane (3406)
• Philippines
5 Aug 09
I know that theres is no special instructions and rules on how to raiseyour children, but i mostly agree when you said that its best if you treat your kids as a friend. My dad used to be very strict as his way of raising us but we tend to defy and went astray. So right now, as much as possible, i tend to talk to my son with whatever is going on with him that way he will be open with me about anything. And whats nice is that he even starts talking about his crush and stuff like that.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
5 Aug 09
Yes, daryjane I do think we should move as friends with our children. I move as a friend with my sons. It worked well for me.
@porkseller (59)
• Malaysia
6 Aug 09
true every parent has their own way for raising children. some are strict some are not. however my parents raised me not so strictly and do not give me tat much freedom. but i tend to get older get tend to give me more space. i think this method is pretty good. however this is my own opinion some may beg to differ.
@nuar_y (279)
• Malaysia
6 Aug 09
I think, parents shouldn't be very strict to their children. Just being moderate is good enough. Once you're being strict with them, they'll start to fear of you, and they're less close to you. So, whenever they have a problem, they tend to solve it by themselves. But most of them are making a stupid decision, because of no guidance from parents.
Secondly, they feel imprison whenever they're with you. But once you set them free, they'll have a culture shock, that drive them to be more negative in life.
So, be friendly with your children, and they'll be really honest with you.
@mermaidivy (15395)
• United States
5 Aug 09
When I was little, my parents were both very strict to me becaus ethey believe they want to teach a good person, they need to be strict about lots of stuff, but of crouse, they do give me compliments and stuff when I do things right. And I believe it is true, that's why I am now a good person and have good moral. I will follow this to teach my kids in the future :-)
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
5 Aug 09
Mermaid, In my opinion there should be a limit in your strict parenting. If it crosses the limit the child may turn to be an aggressive and stressful which will affect its growth physically and mentally.
@sarcasms (120)
• India
5 Aug 09
i think it varies with age wen they are small u need to be a lil strict so tht they come to know wats right and wrong...........then after tht especially in teenage parents need to give the children there space and they shld be less strict but it shuldnt be a free license the children shuld know tht if they do smthgn wrong that u will be dissapointed and probably scold them ............but another way to go about it the thing with my dad is tht he love s me very much and he never is strict or scolds him and thts why i respect him a lot so i dont do anythng wrong jjust of the fear not to dissapoint or hurt him..........so ur kid shuld respect u which wrks the best..........
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Yes, sarcasms once they reach their teen ages we should allow them to enjoy thier space.
@stephwrites (275)
• United States
7 Aug 09
I agree with you sarcasms. This is how I have raised my kids, tighter control and strict discipline when they are young. Then more freedom and privileges when they show more maturity. And so far it is working well. The oldest has graduated high school but still looking for a job. The sixteen year old is mature and mostly good in school. THen I have three in junior high school.
Most of the experts say that somewhere in the middle of strict and no restriction works well. So I follow that direction and pray everyday that I'm doing it right!
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
6 Aug 09
Vijayanths I am of the firm conviction that kindness is the only way to deal with children.I am happy to share with you that my only child is a great achiever, a youngster who passed his chartered accountant exam at the age of 21 [with an All India Rank], got all six calls from IIMS and passed his MBA in flying colours.He does not smoke or drink and is very God-fearing and I think he is my greatest gift in this world.We have never been strict with him though I used to be gently firm when he was a kid and when his values were being instilled.He only feels that he ahs been spoilt and pampered but I don't feel so.My husband treats him like a friend and I treat him also as a friend and an equal, but give a lot of respect to him.As a mother sometimes I would tend to be concerned about his health and proper food intake but otherwise he is my forst and foremost friend.Whatever he had to do , he did with love and happiness and does not regret it one bit.But, one thing is most important---parents should give their fulltime devotion to their children in their intellectual, emotional, psychological development to the exclusion of anything else.We need to work with the children and 'mandhirathil mangai vizhadhu'.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
No wonder your son topped CA exams and added another professional degree to his credit.Management is my passion. Due to some financial constraints I could not continue my MBA. My dad was an honest officer holding big positions in the Tamil nadu Government(being very honest sometimes affects our lives, hehehe-I bet I am not that honest like my dad)
1 person likes this
@Capsicum (1444)
• United States
6 Aug 09
I think its good to have sensible rules.As you stated ,I also see no positive results from strict parenting.Being able to know when you should and should not butt in is the key. I made the mistake of befriending my child. As a result,it gave her the freedom to make unwise choices because she saw me. Also even at 18 a parent needs to be a parent,respect is a big factor on how your relations with your kids will pan out as young adults.
@grecychunny26 (9483)
• Philippines
6 Aug 09
I think the children should be guided and not be strict on them. Children although very young have freedom of choice. they are prone to mistake but sure they learned from it. Parents should guide their children , but they have to ask them what they want. Some of the parents are frustrated. All that they had not done during their childhood are applying to their child, which make the child be like them in uniform, ending in frustration too. If they just allow their kids to be kids , I guess their children will take them when they get old. On the other side, when the parents really have to be strict with their child, they have to explain to them why they are doing it. So that a children can follow obediently.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Grecy you are giving good advices even though you don't have experience in these areas.
@taripres (1499)
• United States
6 Aug 09
I say just be stern with the kids! I'm not my son's friend, I'm his father; he's my responsibility! Now, I can treat my son like a friend, but there's a fine line between like a friend and friend! I'm not strict, but I do lay down the rules and what I expect out of him! I've seen too strict and the kids act unruly, especially girls! Too loose and the kids act even worst and have no respect! No one is born a parent or with specialize parenting skills, but as a parent we have to differentiate son/daughter from friend, or child from adult or both! Obviously, the kids expect us to be parents, to guide them, teach them, and raise them to be responsible members of society, not their friends!
Taripre$
Taripre$@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Yes, taripres, as parents we need to guide them properly in life.
@airakumar (1553)
• India
6 Aug 09
I don't think strictness is good for children. Children don't like strict environment though. I believe each and every parent should be calm and treat their child like a friend and try to understand their feelings. What they like and what they dislike, parents should know this and try to solve the problems if they find any. This will not only make them the best parents but also their child the best and this bond will be forever.
@klwheretogo (230)
• Malaysia
6 Aug 09
i agree to treat your child like a friend. as a parents also need to respect their children. parent and child need to have mutual respect for a better relationship.
but remember never to be too liberal to your kids. you still need to control them a bit, but not too much.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Yes, being friendly at one side and slightly strict on the other side it will be a perfect way.
@threnos (216)
• Canada
6 Aug 09
I think that parents should find a nice balance between being strict with their children and being like a friend. It is up to the parents to teach their children. They need to tell them about what is right and what is wrong or else the child will grow up to be spoiled. Yet they shouldn't be too rough about it. They should explain situations to their children, give out a fair punishment, yet make sure they know that they love them still.
@grundmang (112)
• Israel
6 Aug 09
indeed they should be strict but they should know where and when. otherwise everything is going to be "importent" or "scary" and the kids wont really listen to them
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
6 Aug 09
The middle path is the best and the most difficult one to follow…I know coz I have followed it with my son all this time and now, at 10yrs, he has such a confident mind of his own that sometimes I really wonder if what I did was right. I have always given him his independence, I have always believed that children need to fall down, to experience the hurt in order to know how to stand up again…such things cannot be taught, they have to know it themselves. Nowadays, however, I am having a lot of problem in controlling him…most of the time he answers back and the answers are perfectly logical though not acceptable all the time. But, I would never ever discipline him in such a way that he develops a fear of his parents and try to do things on the sly.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Aug 09
parents should use old fashioned common sense, teach with
love not with malice or sterness, love goes a lot father
and they will love you back. always be their parent but
be there for them, let them know they can tell you anything
and you will not be furious with them, you are their parent and you love them so let them know this every day.
@yogambal_64 (1014)
• India
6 Aug 09
It is necessary to be strict with children these days particularly to restrict some of their activities or liking. Now a days children want to acquire a lot of things in their school and college life itself, if you please them you are no doubt entering into trouble, you should deal with these matters tactfully, if you a little liberal also it is a problem now a days,In this modern world, children do not understand the hardships of life and so we should make them understand what life is so that they lead a perfect life in the stages later to come.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Yes, we shoulod restrict them tactfully with out beating or abusing them.
@advokatku (4033)
• Indonesia
6 Aug 09
Educate child indeed need a patience. If we as parents over control they will againts and even hate us. By educate with liberal ? like as your say, they not have the self control. For me, I am deal with educate by democracy which assume child as friend. Give your appreciate to opinion your kids. give a reason why you not deal with that opinion. And last, make a time together with your kid
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Yes , Spending time with children make a lot of difference in raising.
@overclocked (29)
• Philippines
6 Aug 09
Treating your kids like friends is one way of establishing good relationship. But it's not always the case. Some children will still tend to lie to their parents. I think one good thing is knowing their friends and befriending them too. That way you know who talk to when things go wrong. And that way you know if your children are in good company.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
Yes we should start treating them as friends when they attain teen age.
@dmanjit (2)
• Singapore
6 Aug 09
Well Vijay, I am a father of 2 and am facing such a dilema. I guess the best way to handle things will be to adopt the kite flying method. We must know when to pull(be strict) and when to let loose(give them space). Also while growing up, I have learnt the most important things are the company I had around me. If we have good company, we will definitely grow in the right direction. So, other than discipline, as parents, we must also know all our kid's companions. Hope we are good parents and the kids will grow up right.
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Aug 09
That is a great example, I mean the kite- it suits the topic so well,thanks dmanjit.
