stressin

@gbaker (40)
United States
December 2, 2009 2:24am CST
ok heres my deal.. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and lets just say it hasnt be the happiest relationship in tht e world. See sometimes he gets violent, and im so hardheaded that i fight back. I have never been in a realationship like this, but itsso hard to waslk away because it has been 2 years.. I mean he doesnt act this wa often the whole time weve been together hes been physically violent maybe 5-10 times. I dont know what to do, its obvious it wont stop. or will it? i just dont know what to do!
2 people like this
16 responses
@aerous (13475)
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
I think you should talk to your boyfriend when he is not angry or violent. Just talk about the future of your relationship if he really give value that relationship where you belong in 2 years. Be cool when talking about your differences so that you can arrive the real facts of that relationship... I don't say you need to go out in that relationship until you talk and give him the opportunity to explain his side if the relationship is still survive or gone. Be reasonable and don't let your anger to around...
@gbaker (40)
• United States
6 Dec 09
the thing is, he is the one who keeps going when he is mad.. there is no way to advoid it. We have talked plenty of times and many tears have been shed but no problems have been fixed. It is hard being where i am because i do love him and i have trie but im not to blame for us working, and to me thats hard because i couldnt fix it..
@aerous (13475)
• Philippines
7 Dec 09
That really hard, my friend. Because he is not a reasonable man. In my assessment with this case. Please don't think that I push you stay away with him but this is an advice. Because the things you tried to fix the problems is didn't work...So I suggest to cool off with him to avoid any more consequences and difficulties. I think he didn't want to face the problem and he is weak. Don't be regret when you left him. That's the best for you and him. Because you can be at peace dealing your own life for not thinking of him... Your a beautiful lady, my friend. And I think there are many guys out there better than him. Let your heart free from pain...I hope this simple advice will give you a little idea on what to do. I wish your happiness, my friend and I don't want you to suffer more. Have a nice day!
@artistry (4154)
• United States
3 Dec 09
...Hi there gbaker, This is an unhealthy relationship, and you really need to leave this guy as soon as possible. Sometimes we have to do what is best not what feels good, in this case you may think you love this man and you have been in this relationship for a long time, but it is not a good relationship. It is a very bad relationship. He is abusive and you will start, if you have not already done so, to believe you deserve this abuse and you don't. Leave him now, it will only get worse. He needs anger management classes and he may have been abused himself or seen his mother being abused and thought that was the way to treat a woman, but that is not your problem. Get out of this now, before you wind up in the hospital or worse. Please listen, you asked and we are giving you good advice. Learn to love and respect yourself, that does not include allowing someone to abuse you. Take care. Please let us know you are out of this relationship.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
3 Dec 09
We have talke bout him taking anger management and he tells me he doesnt need it. but since he can tell this time im serious, he'll agree. He does this to pull me back in but it will never happen. And he tells me he loves me so much but treats me like crap, but he will bend over backwards for his mother. So to me that shows me that he doest have a problem with anger towards women but maybe just towards me...
1 person likes this
@xfahctor (14111)
• Lancaster, New Hampshire
2 Dec 09
I was married for 17 years to a woman who would test my patience to no end. In that entire time however, I never so much as raised a finger in anger to her, or anyone in my subsiquent relationships for that matter. It is wrong. Period Get out of this relationship now. Do not spend another second with this person. Don't try to change him, don't try to placate him, or apease him and do not believe for one second things will ever change. Get out now. There is never anyreason good enough for someone to treat someone like this, there is never an apropriate excuse for physicly expressing anger towards your partner. I cannot say this enough, get out of this relationship imediatly. this will get worse, much worse. What happens when you find yourself suddenly having a child from this relationship? what happens when he has isolated you from everyonbe you know or who may be capable of protecting you, or convincing you it is wrong? and it will happen, there is no question on that, it will happen You are only 19 years old. You haven't been on earth long enough or lived life enough to understand that there is so much more. This is not the last time you will ever fall in love, nor is it even close to the deepest you wil ever love, your just now learning what love is and you are only going to learn the wrong things if you remain in this relationship. you will never have the chance to experience the deeper love of a relationship with mutual respect and apreciation for each other, the type of love born from things and experiences mutualy shared. this is a one sided relationshipo, you are posession of his, a "knick knack", a pet to be controlled and dominated. Get out. You do not deserve this and you are in mortal danger form this relationship. I sent you a friend request btw.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
3 Dec 09
He has already pulled me away from all my friends. If i wanna go out and hang out with my friends he accuses me of cheating on him and crazy stuff. He is very controlling and i am a very independednt girl and i really dont know how i let him have thi control over me. Its like oneday i woke up and seemed to not be able to get out. Its so funny the way you said everything i think abut us, i just never put my thooughts in to action because i think i love him but if he loved me he wuldnt want to harm me. Its really hard to pull out of the relatinship because hes crazy, i mean like if i dont answer his phone he will come over to my house or to my job. He always has to be in control and i need to get out but he just makes it so hard to get away from!!
@RyanneD (189)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Xfahctor, I just have to say thank you for what you said. There are so many people who have responded to this post telling Baker that she needs to try hard enough. This is in NO WAY her fault and it's good to hear someone other than me tell her that. Thank you.
@xfahctor (14111)
• Lancaster, New Hampshire
4 Dec 09
Well, stop answering his calls. Don't answer the door if he knocks, if he persists in knocking, call the police, get a restraining order. Reconnect with your friends and family(very important), especialy reconnect with your more rigged male friends, I am sure they would gladly stand in your deffense. DO you still live at home? Tell your parents what's going on. But how ever you do it, you absolutely must get out of this relationship hon, your life may well depend on it one day.
• United States
5 Dec 09
Do yourself a huge favor for me.... go to the nearest bookstore or library and get a book called "He's Just Not That Into You" It will change the way you look at relationships and help you to stop excusing mens bad behavior.... YOU are a beautiful girl!! AND you deserve and can absolutely find a guy that treats you like a precious diamond!!!! But first you HAVE to learn how to stop letting them get away with traeting you like crap.....women think differently than men do..especiall when it come to relationships...this book is written by a guy and though it may not keep you from ever getting in a bad situation again...it will change how you deal with it! You'll be able to see it for what it is and you wont even be able to make excuses for it because you will recognize that you are doing that as soon as you do it!
@gbaker (40)
• United States
6 Dec 09
thank you so much for your positive words.. since ive posted this, i havent talked to him much. in the last 2 days i havent talked to him at all. i try to stay busy and work as much as i can. That way i dont have time to miss him. It was hard at first i didnt sleep good at all but its gettin better every day!! Im not worried bout what he does or who he sees, Im just enjoying it all right now. Hopefully oneday ill find someone special but im in no hurry. haha
• United States
6 Dec 09
Well we ALL get lonely...every one of us at some time does....and that is the most horrible feeling in the world! And when you are comming out of an abusive relationship you tend to have very very low self esteem and so that makes the loneliness even worse and it is wasy to start thinking well it wasnt that bad maybe i should go back, i cant do any better anyway....but PLEASE RESIT that urge with everything you have!!! Yeah the loneliness is tough but think of it like this....If you are alone and lonely there is hope that eventually you will meet someone and not be lonely any more....if you are in that relationship and lonely (and it is just as lonely) then there is no hope of meeting anyone good because you are tied to that relationship.....so would you rather have hope or no hope? Stick it out and do not go back to him no matter how much he begs and promises things... A better life for you is just around the corner!! Get that book and read it...you'll be so glad you did!
• Philippines
7 Dec 09
@ baker i am happy that you are getting better now...;) i know that you still feel the pain but eventually if you focus on things that will make you happy everyday, may it be as simple as listening to happy music or watching movies, i know and i believe you will live a happy life you really deserve, just don't give up,ok.. and like you have said, you are not in a hurry to meet the man that would really treat you like a queen.. ;) life is indeed beautiful, we just have to realize it... and another thing i have learned " don't say to God how big your problem is rather tell your problem how BIG is your GOD is.." God bless and stay happy!
@RyanneD (189)
• United States
2 Dec 09
First of all, GBaker, I just want to say that this is a decision only you can make. I think it's great that you're getting different opinions from people, but it all boils down to how you feel. Personally I don't think it's ok for a man to hit a woman/woman to hit a man in a relationship. It doesn't matter if it's with an open hand or a closed fist. You don't deserve this. No one deserves this. I know that 2 years sounds like a really long time, and if you do decide to leave and you're anything like me you'd probably feel a sense of guilt because you "gave up" or "didn't give him enough chances". That's just not the case. You need to feel safe. If you don't feel safe then you don't need to be there. There really is so much more that I want to say, but, again, it's your and ONLY your choice. Like I said, just know that this isn't ok and that you don't deserve it. The plain and simple fact is you're NOT in a healthy relationship and, unfortunately, you probably never will be with this guy. You're cheating yourself out of so many possibilities. Someone who really loves you would never hurt you, physically or emotionally.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
3 Dec 09
that is exactly how i feel.. but then again im like tired of giving him chances but then i feel lke maybe thistime when he promises and cries that maybe he'll mean it. I honestly think he means what he promises but in the moment he loses control. Still there is no excuses for him to hurt me but like you said i feel like im just giving up on something i put so much time and effort in to!I know the decision i need to make but for me saying and doing it is two different things. I know it will be difficult but im so tired of him.. i dont know.
@RyanneD (189)
• United States
3 Dec 09
What you're saying makes perfect sense, so please don't think there's anything wrong with YOU, because there's not. Of course it's going to be hard just to leave something that you've put this much time into. Judging by the fact that you're still with him after all of his apologies I would say you're a forgiver/people pleaser (just like me). But often people pleasers/forgivers can be easily turned into a doormat, and that's what you've become. You know, he probably DOES mean what he says when he cries to you about being sorry. And when he tells you he loves you, he probably means that too. However, you can't wait for him to get his act together. It is NEVER okay for him to hit you. EVER. PERIOD. I also need to stress that staying in this relationship is giving the impression that you don't respect yourself and that you consider yourself to be worthless and undeserving of a good and healthy relationship. If that's the message you're giving off then how can you expect your boyfriend to ever feel the need to change. He knows you're never going to do anything about the way he treats you, so why change it. You'll stick around no matter what. You need to have pride in yourself. I know I'm repeating myself, but you don't deserve this. You are worth more than you realize. Who knows, you leaving may be the kick in the a$$ he needs to get his act together. Please take care of you, regardless of whether or not you decide to stay with him. If you ever need to talk don't hesitate to message me. I'm a fantastic listener. Good luck, GBaker.
• United States
5 Dec 09
Sweetie...he DOES mean it when he apologises!!!! But he will still do it over and over again...and apologise for it every time...and mean it...and keep doing it.. Feeling sorry afterwards...though comforting to you....does NOT fix his issues!!! He can be sorry all he wants but he still has mental issues he has NOT dealt with and therefore he will continue to be an abuser.... You dont have to hate him....but YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! LEAVE ...go live a spectacular life with a man that treats you like gold...and let him deal with his issue...you cant fix him no matter how hard you try and it is NOT your responsibility to do so....YOUR OWN health and well being and that of your future children is what is your responsibility!!!
• India
2 Dec 09
Hi Physical violence towards the partner is a condemnale offence. It is your behavoir can make him soft. You need to be tolerant and have to change his nature. It is very tough deed but not imposible. Detremination is the way to success. You have to teach him how beheave towards the partner.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
2 Dec 09
ivbeen trying and if i wanna make us work i guess ill just have to try harder..
@RyanneD (189)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Okay, I just have to say this to all of you are saying that Baker needs to try harder. You can't change a person. No one can change a person. A person has to decide for him/her self whether or not they want to change. The fact that this has been going on for 2 years has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the fact that Baker's not trying hard enough. In my opinion, you shouldn't respond to posts like this. You're not helping at all...
• United States
5 Dec 09
really BAD advice scandinavian!!! REALLY REALLY BAD advice!!!! Hon what do you mean by physical? Does he push you away? Grab your arm too hard? Or Beat you up? Physical is physical and it is never ok but I also know that sometimes in a really bad argument that goes on and on i get sooooo frustrated and enraged that i myself will push my husband or grab him......and he has done so to me as well......and though that is truely NOT acceptable it is a far cry from being punched or worse or being beaten black and blue.....so what is the situation with you? If it is a simple push on a rare occassion AND you TRUELY love and WANT to stay in this relationship then talk to him about going to counseling.... IF there are sever bruses or marks left on you afterwards or you are beaten black and blue etc...LEAVE....lEAVE THIS MINUTE and do not look back.....he will not change and will only get worse the longer you are together and if you ever get married he will feel even more secure in his behavior because after all you married him and you knew what he was like.... Only you know the situation.... and honestly even if the abuse is only very minor....if you dont love him and are just making excuses because you dont want to be mean and hurt his feelings you should still leave.....because the not loving him will only get worse as time goes by and you will be miserable!! Why waste a lot of time with mr wrong when mr right is out there waiting to be found?? Every day spent with the wrong person is another day of your life (and theirs) wasted!! Good luck and if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me...I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years when i was in my 20s.
@bounce58 (17550)
• Canada
3 Dec 09
Hello gbaker! I could say that I am like your guy wherein I could get emotional sometimes. But, I have never hit a woman in my life. I also think that you are still young. And that women like you still have that misconception that they can change their man. Believe me, you can't and you wouldn't be able to. Count me in as one who thinks you should leave this relationship. Like I said you are still young. There are still a lot of ocean in the fish, I mean... you know what I mean.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Yes i know, and i have had a lot of guys wanna hang out with me when they find ut that me and him are not together.. I know there are outher guys out there but i guess he just makes me feel so low sometimes i dont have the confidence to leave. I konw our relationship isnt healty but he makes me feel like i couldnt gt anyone else, but ive opened my eyes and im not letting him run over me any mre
@bounce58 (17550)
• Canada
4 Dec 09
That's great! Good luck!
• Philippines
2 Dec 09
being in a relationship must mean happiness in being together, quantity or longer years being officially on is not a big deal as long as you spend quality time with each other..the question is that do you still love and enjoy being around him?does she treat you with respect you deserve?what do you think is his reason of being violent? yes there are no perfect relationship but it is important that you grow as a couple and you both learn to have open communication,all problems can be settled in a nice talk and with good listening attitude...try to talk to him heart to heart, tell everything about what you feel,want and expect in your relationship...if he cooperates and willing to work things out for your happiness well it is worth saving the relationship..i hope this will help you... specially and i really suggest that we must surrender to God every problem we encounter, and surely,he will guide our path...let us talk to Him like a best friend...
@gbaker (40)
• United States
3 Dec 09
we are together all the time other when were workin. I think that our last little fight is really bothering me because i dont feel for him like i did when he first hit me. Here lately i just dont feel the love, where all the others i did, so i would forgive him. I dont know if im getting bored with our relationship or just dont love him. Who knows...
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
then it's really time for you to really stop it, don't worry about the years you have been together,coz it won't change anything he would still beat you for the coming years, don't waste your time ,life and relationships tend to be happy if your not happy then it's time to move on...move on,surrender everything to God....please decide immediately,for many people would still love you and give you the respect and care you deserve...after all,you are strong enough even now with such bravery to ask for advise is a big step for you to take,and gurl,you deserve all the happiness,ok? smile..and let go of him,he won't help you,and you can no longer help him to change his ways...it would take time but don't wait for it,step out and expand your horizons....
@Hatley (157683)
• Garden Grove, California
5 Dec 09
gbaker you know what to do , so just do it.do you want to wait until he does it every other day or every day? look you do not deserve that, love does not hurt, a controlling wife beater does,okay you are not married,then get the hell out of there before he kills you. He is bent on controlling you by his abuse,dont you get it? that is not love, my husband loved me,he never ever hit me, not once.that is not love that is physical abuse.report him get a restraining order and get the devil out of there' now.It will not stop but it will get much worse, and could even cost you your life if you stay there. get out now.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
6 Dec 09
well since i posted that i havent had much communication with him.. Im doing what i need to do no matter how much i think i hurt. It hasnt been too bad other than some sleep loss but its gettin better all the time. i just dont want to relapse and all my hard work was for nothing. but im being strong trying to stay busy and not think of him or anything to do with him
@twooten (64)
• United States
4 Dec 09
gbaker i am glad you wrote in concerning this issue. for one my heart goes out to you because you can't help who you fall in love with you know. next, you have just taking the first step, admitting this is where i am. Now what you need to do is some definite soul searching and asking yourself a few questions. i know your saying what makes me an expert. well i have been an abusesive relationship before. i never asked for help. it just so happens that he decided to have an episode at my grandmothers house one day outside and slapped me. This was probably the second maybe third time he had done it before. My uncle, my grandma, and my mother were furious and ran off the property and told him to never return. so i used that time to take a good hard look at myself. Is your self esteem low, do you feel as though you have put in too much time with him and don't want to start with someone else who will treat you like the queen that you are, do you love yourself, and the last question is are you ready if perhaps one last domestic violence straw would be the last and one of you lost your lives. This is really something you need to think about. Once you have i am certain that you will make the one and only true choice which is to love yourself more and get out now. I hope i have helped you and wasn't to harsh but had to tell you the truth and sometimes that hurts. But because of the love of Jesus Christ that I have for you i had to keep it real with you. Stay true to yourself always. God Bless and take care.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
6 Dec 09
thank you for your positive words. THey will help me alot. I have been doig ok since i posted this, and i havent had much communication with him. That makes me really happy and feel strong! Im looking at things in a whole new way. I know i dont need him but when we were together i just wouldnt let myself believe that.
@tony4u (47)
• Nigeria
3 Dec 09
the basic thing in a relationship is love and tolerance. if is not there please quit. because two cannot walk together unless thy agree.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
3 Dec 09
yea that is true and most of the time we do get along, but as time progresses i think it might be my nature to agree with him to avoid a fight. Im not happy but i think that i have been advoiding th whole sitation.
• India
2 Dec 09
No it wont stop. I’ve seen guys who are physically violent just ‘sometimes’ think of as a part of the traits of a man…they are not into wife bashing regularly but just sometimes when they feel that the partner has ‘crossed the limit’ they might hit just to show who’s the boss around. In any case, it’s still an abuse and he will not get rid of this simply coz he doenst feel he’s doing anything wrong.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
2 Dec 09
yea thats what i was thinking.. it sucks becaus i do care about him but if we were to get married, i wouldnt want to have children because i woulnd not want him around them when he got to actin like that. I never thought i would be in a relationship like this but i am and i need to fix it..
@chriszh22 (433)
• China
2 Dec 09
We have an old saying here: Being a sheep before marriage, but being a wolf after marriage. That's to say the upside down difference of how a man would treat his girl friend before and after getting married! I would say if he treats you like this now, he would treat you even worse in the future. Clear your mind and make a quick decision!
@gbaker (40)
• United States
2 Dec 09
I know but its just so hard when he cries.. what i dont get is why i feel for him when im the one thats gettin hurt!! i dont know. Ive been trew alot and at the tme i was having alot of stuff in my life he was there so i guess its just hard to leave because hes like my best friend... i dk. i just dont know why he would hurt me if he loved me!
@natnickeep (2340)
• United States
2 Dec 09
Being young it is hard to know how to handle all your emotions. It all depends on what you mean by getting physical. If a man ever closed handed punches you, grabs you by the neck or really endangers you life you should leave him. 2 years is not a long time when you are only 19 think of all the years you have ahead of you. I have been with my man for 10 years and we have only got physical about 5-10 times. And half of those were probably in the first 2 years. We got together at 15 and 16. So you have to decide if it is worth sticking around for. You have to decide if it will get better or worse. Discuss with each other when you are not fighting ways to control your anger, things you guys promise not to do. Like when my man is angry I know make sure I let him cool off, don't push or pry. Sometimes it is better for one of you to leave or go to bed angry. A lot of men have accidentally killed their wives or girlfriends in what started out as a stupid argument. Bring up the fact that he can hurt you a lot more. Or at least most men can. I am not sure of how your man is. It's all up to you how much you will take.
@gbaker (40)
• United States
2 Dec 09
yea im the type to wanna go to bedand talk in the mornin but he wants to go on and on... i dk i just keep stressin on what need to do, bt i just cant figure it out
• United States
18 Jan 10
Leave the relationship. The is no excuse for abuse.
@junmae (1592)
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
Being in a relationship for 2 years is not the reason why you shouldn't leave him. Relationship should stop when hitting and beating started. You are a girl and should be respected and taking care of, and you shouldn't allow anybody nor your boyfriend to hurt you. You are abused and it should be stop before everything get worst. I feel that you love your boyfriend so much because you cant leave him despite of what he is doing.