Do you count your blessings when you come across another in pain?

@vandana7 (57187)
India
March 7, 2010 6:21am CST
Yesterday was bad but that is not unusual considering that my father has not been taking his blood pressure medications. I was overtaken by a bout of self pity, because he accused me of dominating him, and controlling him. He said he was miserable and I could recall every minute detail of my life that could be classified as miserable and which I could directly or indirectly link to his behavior. Of course, I was turning blind eye to all the happy moments because I wanted to be unhappy and sort of make him feel sorry for using those words. Last night I slept well tired after all those sobs, and had a good dream as well, walking bare foot on my lawn that was still wet after some summer showers. But the morning brought back the pain. It was then that I came across another mylotter's discussion. I realized that in comparison, my pain was just in my mind, and I willed it. So sanity was restored instantaneously. My questions to you all are, do you all a. Feel sorry for the person who goes through it, sympathize, and get on with your life? b. go a step further and offer some possible solution c. get bored and wish the person had something funny to talk about instead? e. feel hey my day was not that bad. If so, is it a selfish to think like that? After all a friend has had a rotten day.
3 people like this
17 responses
@yugasini (12814)
• Anantapur, India
7 Mar 10
hi vandana madam, one more strong disucssion,i have not understand it and could not answer about the feelings of yours,have a nice day
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
What I was asking is - if you have a problem, and your friend has a bigger problem, do you forget your problem, or do you think thank god I did not have that problem! And would thinking like that be selfish. Hope I have expressed myself correctly this time. :)
@yugasini (12814)
• Anantapur, India
23 Mar 10
hi vandana madam, thanks for the description of the discussion once again,mostly i am giving trouble to you without lack of knowledge,what to do,then i will forget my small problem and if possible i will help my friends big problem,i do not have selfishness,i am having only to some extent only,have a nice day
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
I knew Yugasini, you are that nice a person. :) I also agree you are not too selfish. :)
@Buchi_bulla (8299)
• India
7 Mar 10
I can understand your position very well. These sort of things happened in my life many a times. I too cried, left my food for one time, lost my sleep and self pitied myself. You know one thing, certain things cannot be changed at all. Some people are very stubborn. Your words, advises, solutions go to a deaf ear. That is why let us change our attitude for our own good. Things that can be changed, change it Things that cannot be cured, endure it and Things that cannot be changed and is not in your hands, leave it. Say in soft voice and in an affectionate way then leave it to God. He will know how to make the person understand things. You just mentally visualise that you left the problem to the Almighty. He will take care. Let not your blood pressure raise my dear friend.
• India
7 Mar 10
If I see a person with more severe problem than mine, then as you told, I will think, 'Oh God! My problem is better and thanks for that'. Then I will try to console the other person, if they are sharing their problem with me then I will try to get a solution for them. If they are not of sharing type, then I will just pray God to help the person.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
8 Mar 10
hi bucchi you are right .. we cant change some people because they are too stubborn .. like my mother, she was a victim of abusive husband (my dad), she lost almost all her youth fighting with him and his mother ..Now that we are all grown, and want to give her the best we can offer , she does not want them .. she still wants to think and live in the sorrow of her past // Yes i understand her pain and i am not asking her to forget them or forgive my dad but .. live today, enjoy the new enviroment with her grandchildren ...
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
Hi Buchi - my first reaction was exactly like you said "Oh! God! My problem (today) is better and thanks for that". Immediately following this, my conscience chided me. So - is that the kind of friend you are? Better him than you? :) You understand?
@primeaque86 (7968)
• Philippines
7 Mar 10
Hi my friend vandana, this one is a difficult situation of your life... My father was also confined in the hospital last few years... we were really found it the hardest moment in our life as a whole family I found myself overwhelmed with sorrows... but I realized that it's not really good for his health that all of us would show that we were on pain too... I knew that the sorrow could just add to the burden we had. I was really trying those days to be strong and show to my father I was not losing hope... I even tried to smile infront of him and telling him some joke... But it was really hard to show happiness and hope if your were in pain... what I do is trying to count each of the little blessing we receive... at least it could help me ease my feeling... I am sorry for hearing that the same news my friend... I know and feel what you are feeling this moment... We are just here... You are not alone... God will help your father vandana... just put your trust on him... God bless you...
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
Hi primeaque, thanks a lot for your comforting words. Yes, I am banking on you all to be there should anything undesirable happens. Luckily, he is like that only about 30 to 40 percent of the time. But still, I cry. :( Of course, I count each day with him as a blessing. Each day he is up from his bed without needing any help is indeed a blessing.
@JAYMAR777 (840)
• Philippines
7 Mar 10
I'm more of the A. I sympathize and go on with my life. The thing is this world is full of pain and if I think it all in, and take seriously the problem of others, I could be a deadman, lol. But I try to be thankful in all things in a way count my blessings because in everything their is always a good result. It may not be right, but sooner or later you'll see it's truest meanings and purposes. It will always turn out to make me better not bitter. Don't worry with you father, Old people sometimes think that way. The problem may be emotional or something that is of physical change.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
Hi Jaymar, first and foremost, thanks for your concern, and I am very sorry for delayed response! :) Do you have so many friends that their problems would drown you? And would you say to yourself - thank god it was not me - if your close friend was in trouble? And thanks a lot for your kind words. Dad is getting older (read younger) each day. :)
@ElicBxn (60050)
• United States
7 Mar 10
Like a guy, if you come complaining to me, I will try to offer a solution - I can't always see the forest for the trees with my problems, but I can try to help with others. If the person doesn't really want a solution, they shouldn't come complaining, I will tune them out after a while - again, like a guy. I'm not going to do too much sympathizing, if you just want to vent, go find some other gal to vent too.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
Hi ElicBxn, your responses are simply great both in content and English. "see the forest for the trees" - I came across this before, but quite forgot it until you brought it up. :) We dont really get to hear such expressions on day to day basis. :) As to you not sympathizing, I agree. It helps nobody. :)
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Mar 10
If a friend has had a bad day I think only of the friend's problem and try to console her with some suggestions if she tends to share it with me.I give a patient hearing and just keep quiet.This thought of myself would mot creep n at that point of time Vandana except for sharing a similar experience if i Have had one. Otherwise I am thankful for all blessings ona regular basis.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
18 Mar 10
What if you've had a bad day, and a friend of yours has a bad day too? Would you be able to push your pain aside, and focus only on the other person's pain? Would there be a comparison? Like a friend had a difference with servant, and you have difference with your family member. Would you then be able to push your feelings on one side, and listen only to your friend? Sorry for responding so late. Somehow other discussions got responses, and this one went way down. :)
@dpk262006 (53822)
• Delhi, India
8 Mar 10
Hello Vandana! I can visualize your plight. I know it could be troublesome to make a BP patient understand the consequences of not taking medicines. I know you would have done your best and would have given up only, when you would have exhausted all tricks up your sleeves. If this kind of situation happens with me, I could feel sorry for the person and would sympathize with him/her, however, it the situation persists, I may also lose my patience, after all I am not a saint. I would render all possible assistance/help to him/her to minimize his/her agony and pain. I would somehow console myself that the whatever situation I am facing is alright, it could have been worse also. Have a great day! Keep smiling!
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
25 Mar 10
Well deepu for a babyface you have a solution there. It could have been worse indeed. Well, the next time I face such things I will definitely try to think of something worse and thank god that didnt happen. That will make the present problem seem lighter. Thanks. :) And how are you doing my friend. You are not to be seen. Have you been kidnapped? :)
@dpk262006 (53822)
• Delhi, India
25 Mar 10
How can you see a person, who has been kidnapped? When friends like you are there, then people like me will get kidnapped and what not? I am fine in the custody of my kidnappers. Ho sakey to mujeyh chooda lena, else they will kill me.
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
25 Mar 10
Deepu Even bachao bachao with so much politeness! "ho sake to".
• India
7 Mar 10
atually i believe in help to every patient when ever i got chance to meet them..and because of this i get knowledge for many diseases..in bloop pressure..bell tree leaves work amazingly..just store five bell leaves in copper pot for a night and in every evening take that water wihout leaves..at empty stomach means after just brushing the teeths..
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
28 Mar 10
Hi codeofuniverse, I am afraid - I dont really know which tree would be called bell tree! Could you add a picture please? Thanks for the tip. This is something that I can certainly try! I do have a copper pot! :)
• India
28 Mar 10
Bel tree also known as Bilva or Wood apple and botanical name is Aegle marmelos, the bel tree is medium sized deciduous tree, it has thorney bhranches and trifoliate leaves.Its fruit is large and round with greenish-grey, woody shell.The Bel has medicinal properties.Its leaves make poultice for eyes and are good for diabeties and roots help reduce fever, its fruit is a remeady for dysentry.it is also believed fertility.Its leaves are importnet offering to Lord Shivaji..you can see thse leaves nearby any Shivaji Temple..
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
28 Mar 10
I know bilva. :) Thanks for sharing this. :)
• Boston, Massachusetts
20 Mar 10
Hi Vandana, as i reach my 40 years in life i learned to focus on positive things...on the blessings small and big that i receive everyday in my life. there are more to be thankful despite some challenges and pains in life. blessings are overflowing. we just have to see, feel and appreciate it.
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
23 Mar 10
I agre msfrancisco, we do feel our woes are a whole lot more than the rest because we dont really know every hardship of the other. But it is one thing to look at a stranger and start counting blessings, and an entirely another thing to do it when it is friends. I felt a bit selfish even when I thanked god for not having given me that kind of hardship. :( It felt I didnt really mind my friend going through that as long as it was not me who was suffering! Can you understand that?
1 person likes this
• Boston, Massachusetts
23 Mar 10
yes i do understand. you are blessed enough for having such a great life. no wonder you are exuding such happy thoughts and feelings over your discussion. being a friend of yours is a blessing too. hugs!
• India
11 Mar 10
hello vandana, a person suffering from high blood pressuse becomes stubborn usully, gets irritated , so one need to be careful always, i was facing this problem, but these days my BP is normal thanks for this discussion, be blessed bhuwan
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
19 Mar 10
Yes, it comes all of a sudden! He is in a good mood nice and happy at the moment, the next moment he reads something in the newspaper or watches something on the telly, and his bp shoots up! Even telecallers have that kind of effect on him. :( If I tell him to stop watching television, he gets more angry with me! You dont understand - you are very mind your own business kind of person, the country is going to dogs, and that kind of thing. :( And after something like this, if he fails to take medication, then I am the one who spends a sleepless night.
@malpoa (1218)
• India
8 Mar 10
Hi Vandana, sorry to hear that...I have had my time like that...going to bed in tears...I think everybody does...it doesnt necessarily mean that tow friends should have a bad time at the same moment. As for your father's comments...I know it is hard to just ignore them..after all words are sharper than swords...I sometimes think how they tend to use these words on free will...generally old people speak wihtout thinking and they never repent atleast they dont show they did in front of us. I cant just move on without giving a word to console my friend in distress. I do compre my plight with others when I feel very low. I compare myself with people who sleep on pavements and all...Then I realise the good things I have and thank god for it... this time will go dear, and you will feel better. :)
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
19 Mar 10
Yes, Malpoa, it has gone - for a month he behaved like that, and from this Ugadhi, he has been angelic. I hope he continues to be like this. :) I do feel blessed when I see people helpless on the street. But if I feel blessed when I look at a friend in pain, I start feeling guilty. I do console, but in the heart of heart, I know I experienced that moment where I thought, hey I am not suffering as much as he is suffering!
• Malaysia
8 Mar 10
hi V that is exactly what my mother is doing now ... "I wanted to be unhappy and sort of make him feel sorry for using those words." .. she wantsto make my dad unhappy for those misarable time he put her tru as am abussive husband (he was never an abbusive dad) .. She does not want those new sarees we buy for her, she does not want to go to India on trips we give her, she just wants to be in the house ... nowdays she does not even want to watch the television , i remember when she did not want to use the rice cooker, the washing machine, the electric iron ... who is she kidding here right ?? my father never felt bad, instead he felt good that he saved money in his electric bills .. I cant sympatize my mother anymore as she is too stubbon and 'pig-headed' to move on, all her children want to give her the best we can afford and offer but she ... Me .. i realized at one point of time, was behaving like her when my husband did something which hurt me i wanted him to feel that 'pain' he cost me .. and changed myself .. i started to just ignore what i dont like and living my life the way i want .. which is not much but a nice bed with cool aircond and .. Looking at other people going tru worst life than mine , makes me thank god everyday ... i have almost all except 'CHILD' only this one thing in this life which makes me jealous of othes especially those who throw their own kids or go for abortion cheers
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
25 Mar 10
Hi sanjana, each of us has something that we lack. But yes, I was being pig headed, didnt I know my papa's health issues? But I felt terribly selfish when I went about almost habitually thanking god for giving me a better day than a good friend. That felt so selfish on my part.
@bird123 (10344)
• United States
8 Mar 10
No one can guaranty the actions of another. The most we can do is give a warm smile, point them in the right direction and help any way possible.People still don't have to listen. They can be mean, blaming everyone around them for their troubles. Because someone says something doesn't make it true. We all have the power to choose what we deem important in this world. So much of the heartache and stress we bring on ourselves.Happiness is merely a choice. One that I value over all the adversity in the world. All my days are great and happy. The choice is mine!!
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
28 Mar 10
Bird, for a person so young - yes you make your choices rather wisely. :) I am wrong of course telling myself that if dad felt sorry for uttering like that, I would be happy. I would feel better no doubt but certainly not happy. But what disturbed me is the fact that another friend of mine - whom I considered to be a very close friend - had an unbearable day. And the first thought that came to my mind was - thank god my day was not that bad! That doesnt say much of me! I should be reproaching god - but instead I was thanking him! :( Felt quite selfish, actually. :(
@raydene (9875)
• United States
7 Mar 10
Hi Doll I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your Dad But at least you have your Dad. Many of us have lost ours. I don't think taking control is the answer. If your dad won't take his meds let his doc know then leave it alone. I think you should walk barefoot on your lawn more often. Give up your cares....Only worry about things you can change All other things set them free... Good luck xoxoxoxoxo
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
24 Mar 10
Thanks a lot raydene. :) No - I am not taking control at all. :) He is not that easy to control either. :) Yes, change only what I can. :) I am sticking to that principle. :) Thanks for wishing me luck. I wish you the same. :)
@avani26 (1521)
• India
7 Mar 10
I surely would feel sorry for that person and offer help if I can at all and if not try to make the person feel good so that they forget about the incident. I would like to tell you something if I was telling my friend the other day. The place where I stay there is a centre for kids with down syndrome and when I look at those beautiful kids in such a state I really feel that I am blessed and do not have to be dependant on others. Atleast all my senses are working and I should be thanking GOD for it.
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
19 Mar 10
Hi Avani, I do feel bad for my friend, he had a problem of much greater magnitude than mine - at that moment, and in comparison my problem was actually magnified by my own will. But the thought did come - he is suffering more than me, that comparison is baffling. Why did I compare with my friend's suffering? Was I pleased that he was suffering more than me? Counting blessings when we look at people for whom we dont feel anything is one thing, but counting blessings when we look at people who matter to us, is something different. Should we be doing it? Is it selfish? That is the thought that has been plaguing my mind.
@Hatley (157682)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Mar 10
vandana oh how true it is that we always hurt the one we love as that old saying goes. Its hard to try to help someone you love like your father, and get criticized for it, that really hurts. Trhying to help some of us elderly can be a heart breaking job, as some older people will get really cranky when you are just trying to look out for them. I am sorry he brought you to tears, that was not fair at all.Yes when I meet someone whose troubles are so much worse than any I have, I sympathize and usually ask if theres anything I could do to help. If the person says no, I will usually say good bye and wish him or her well, thanking God for what I have and feel much better.good luck and God bless.
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
19 Mar 10
Hatley, you are wisest. :) What can I say. :) You understand my situation so well. :)
• India
7 Mar 10
Hello Vandana, a)Feel sorry for the person who goes through it, sympathize, and get on with your life? I do feel sorry for the person, but I hardly sympathize, as I know that there is a purpose behind everything we face in our lives. God, like our parents always does what is best for us. Sometimes we feel that a certain event was too much for a punishment. But in long run we finally realized that that event was actually meant for good, and it somehow made the person I am today, strong yet sober and gentle, firm yet polite and kind. There is nothing to sympathize. The person in distress just wants you to stay with him for couple of minutes, that's all. He will share with you something very personal. Now, if you start judging him, and try to come up as a savior, that will fail to ease her pain. That will just make you look more indifferent and apathetic to him, which is certainly not desired. Getting on with my life would be necessary, as only a strong person can make others strong. A weak person doesn't solve problems, he just complicates the whole thing. b) Go a step further and offer some possible solution Yes, if I can. But I am not wise enough to propose solution for every problem. So I will just have some empathy (not sympathy). I will try to put myself in this particular person's place and feel what he is feeling. If I can do that, only then I will try to find an answer otherwise I will just be with him and rather pretend not to be wise. c) Get bored and wish the person had something funny to talk about instead. It depends. Some problems bore me a lot. Most of them are self-created problem. People who actually loves themselves way beyond obsession create those problems in their mind. Their problem doesn't seem to end. These problems really don't exist, so there is nothing to end. I hate when people come up with those problems. They are not sincere enough to solve the problem at all. They just feel rather comfortable being with those so-called adversities. A genuine problem always gets my most sincere attention. d) and e) I didn't understand. God bless you
@vandana7 (57187)
• India
24 Mar 10
Hi bro, I have to concede. You have a point there. Sympathies dont really work. And in the long run, something positive does come out of it. But I think everybody is weak somewhere. Therefore, we continue our winning trail till we reach a point where we become weak - something like water seeking its own level may be? I also agree that the solution that works for me may not be the best, or right for another person. But I would still voice it. Because it may be the best at times. Self-created problems - yes. Dont you think the person could do with some help for getting free with that? Like telling him - look - be yourself - dont like something - say so. Dont bother if others dont like you. Its your life! I ate d - ha ha e - actually one of my friends suffered a lot on that day. I compared my woes on that day and told me - hey my problems are not that great - today. God spared me that much. - Immediately, I felt I was rather selfish. This is because I felt - I was telling god - better him than me - to give that type of suffering. :( So - that is what I felt. Do you feel the same way when a friend's problems are greater than yours?