I was loved...

What??? - Engagement Ring
@paula27661 (15900)
Australia
March 10, 2010 9:54pm CST
I was so happy that day. We met for lunch and ordered the ring; it was a beautiful white diamond solitaire set in 18 carat gold, it was just what I had been visualising while I was wishing so hard for that moment. I went back to work after our lunch and I was looking forward to picking up my beautiful ring at five o’clock after it had been sized. That evening I waited for him to come because we had decided that he should be the one to put the ring on my finger and then we would be engaged. I was loved and I was bursting with happiness; after my loveless childhood to be cared for by someone so special meant the world to me. He came into my apartment and I could sense something was not right. He wouldn’t speak to me at first and, after some prodding he told me that his mother had collapsed and the doctor had to be called in after he told her the news of our commitment to each other. His mother hated me, she knew I had been married and divorced and in her eyes I was trash; she made no attempt to disguise how she felt every time she saw me. She was a rather ignorant ethnic woman who believed her son should marry someone from his own culture and that was far away from who I was! When he told me she had collapsed I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, I knew it was an act but he didn’t appear so sure. To cut a long story short he picked up the ring as I held my left hand out to him so he could slip it on my finger; he held the ring up and stared past my shoulder at the wall behind me and, after what had seemed like an eternity he placed the ring on the table, got up form his bended knee position shaking his head while muttering, “I can’t do it...” and promptly walked out. We had been together for two years and spent every single day together and he walked out...I cannot describe the pain and the humiliation...It happened 17 years ago and I have not seen him since. I’ve heard he eventually married and has three children. I too am married to a good man and we have a child and yet the pain is still there. Some may say I am not over him. To that I say I am over the man, but what I have not recovered from was the hurt he caused me, the message he left me with was, “You are not good enough...” which was all I learnt as I was growing up. Not good enough...It still hurts today, my husband does not make me feel this way and yet that incident 17 years ago still haunts me and I cringe with sadness whenever I think about it. How do you discard past hurts? Have you gotten over painful times? How did you do it? How does one move on?
4 people like this
17 responses
@StarBright (2799)
• United States
11 Mar 10
Oh Paula, my heart hurts for you. I can not begin to imagine how you must have felt. Seventeen years later, you can only thank your lucky stars that you found out sooner than later that his love for you was not strong enough to stand up under the pressure and strain his mother would have put on your relationship. You have to feel sorry for him, having a mother who is so selfish and loves him so little that she would not put his happiness first. As a mother myself, I cannot imagine asking my son to give up a woman he loves. I would do everything in my power to help make their relationship work. I would embrace her and treat her like a daughter. In fact, that is how I have treated my daughter-in-law from day one. This woman sounds like a real passive-aggressive witch who controls her son with her fake attacks. Poor guy. Lucky you for not getting into that mess. Get over it honey. You are better off without him and his controlling mama.
@jammyt (2824)
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
well said...
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
I agree and thank you for this great response StarBright, I appreciate it. I did dodge a bullet by not marrying him, that's for sure and I am with someone who is so much better for me now and I would not change my current situation for what I had then. I think what happened changed who I am and it is a matter of overcoming the pain I was left with. Him, I have no thoughts of anymore...Thanks again for being here!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
21 Mar 10
Paula, Sweet, look at it this way, he is the one that missed out, he is the one that had to marry someone he probably did not want to In a sense it is good job that happened when it did as it proved to you his Mum will always come first, it would have made your Life miserable Believe me it did mine, for the first 12 years in my Marriage and I took it I hated the visits to his Parents, they made it so plain what they thought of me But it did change eventually, but after 21 years of abuse and knocked down confidence I left I know what this can do to you, but I suggest you bury it now and concentrate on your Life now, with a wonderful Husband and a Life of true Love He is not worth it and probably never has been Hugs to you Sweetie
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
21 Mar 10
Thanks gabs, I agree with you and I have put him well and truly behind me because I know now that I was lucky to dodge the mother in law from hell! Did you know she said at the time that she put a curse on me? Horrible woman...I did nothing to her...I think that's what still hurts being treated so badly for no real reason. Since starting this discussion, sharing my feelings really helped and I have been focusing on the great people in my life now and I do feel better about it. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond gabs, all the best to Gissi...
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
21 Mar 10
Sweet I am so glad it is behind you now As for this Woman she is pathetic You are a sweet Person and you have love now Gissi is doing better, he is actually being cheeky again lol but he does tire easy I can cope with that though, it was his breathing and that which worried me, that is under control again Big Hugs
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
28 Mar 10
Glad to hear that Gissi is better, thanks for the kind words gabs!
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
11 Mar 10
You need to convince yourself that you ARE good enough. Whoever told you that you are not good enough is not good enough themselves. I heard that growing up myself. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, I was never good enough. Once I realized that I had done my best, and your best is all you CAN do, you are "good enough". Succeeding or failing is nothing compared to the effort you put into it. If you fail at something, but you've done your best, you are good enough because you did your best. It just means that you're not particularly good at that particular thing, not that you're not good enough. It's the effort, as they say "the journey", not the destination. My mother was the one telling me I wasn't good enough. Once I realized that she had some serious problems, mostly of an emotional/mental nature, I could see that my efforts made me "good enough". As a matter of fact, I always put 110% of myself into everything I did which made me a lot more than "good enough". It made me GREAT! So, you have to take a look at those who've told you that you're not good enough. See that they are not perfect individuals. As a matter of fact, you'll probably see that they are FAR from perfect! They are in no position to judge you or anyone else. Knock them down off that power pedestal because they have no right being there, and no right telling you that you are not good enough. That's how I got over it and I've been a pretty happy person since then. That guy, 17 years ago, he put his mother above you. Right there, that says he has problems. It says that he was not good enough for YOU, not the other way around.
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
I can see now that he was the one with the problems and that it was a blessing in disguise that he made the decision he made that night because if things had gone the other way I would not be where I am today which is a good place and I am very thankful. What I need to work on now is the pain I felt 17 years ago. Your mother sounds very much like mine but I will leave that for another discussion! Your words mean a lot to me and I will remember what you say about putting 100% effort and that it should be enough, you are absolutely right! Thank you so much for your words mental ward, they've had a really positive effect on me!
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
11 Mar 10
I'm glad I could help, Paula. I had my heart broken many, many moons ago and the pain was intense. It stung for a long time. I still think about it every now and then but it doesn't hurt so bad now. It is said that anyone who causes you to cry is not worth your tears but that doesn't stop the pain. I know. Been there, done that. However, I see painful memories as stepping stones. Pain makes us grow. We're stronger because of it. It also helps us to appreciate that which makes us happy even more because we have something to compare it with. That cliche "without pain there would be no happiness" is really true because, if there was no pain, we'd be happy all the time and it would seem so ordinary, right?
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
You are so right! They are all life lessons I guess...Thanks!
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
Hi paula, it must be hard for you sharing this story with your friends, but in my mind it was meant to be. Maybe it wouldn't have been a happy marriage. My first marriage was disasterous, for the reason my wife at the time never really got away from her mother. As we know blood is thicker than water, and whenpush came to shove she also chose her mother over me, and I moved out. We had two children, and they were then turned against me by their mother and grandmother. However, now I am the happiest man around, or at least I will be when I am back with my wife in December. Take care, Mike.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
12 Mar 10
Yes, in fact I am in a much happier situation now and my husband has told me that he is sorry I was so hurt but he is glad my ex let me go! I realise that if I married my ex his mother would have probably made my life hell and he was not likely to do anything about it. It was a blessing in disguise I know that for sure now I just wish the incident no longer had the power to make me feel bad every time I remember! Thanks Mike, December will be here before you know it and your separation will make you appreciate each other even more!
1 person likes this
@mipen2006 (5528)
• Australia
12 Mar 10
I think our similar stories just show both our partners had a weakness, and our lives are better living without that weakness. Good luck paula.
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
11 Mar 10
Wow Paula, that must have been really tough for you. I am glad that you have found someone to make you happy now though. It is really hard to forget these things that happen to us in the past that really hurt. I have never been hurt like that before but I have been hurt by people who I thought were my friends in the past. They were just using me and ripped me off, but I got over it. I did not trust others easily for many years, but now that I am older, I have better judgement and know who to trust and not to trust. I do not know how to move on completely. At times I still think of these people that hurt me and feel slight anger, even though I have not had anything to do with them for 15 to 20 years.
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
It is difficult to get over some things even if it has been a long time. Hurts like that can still feel very fresh when they come to mind and they do affect how you relate to others in the future so it is best to deal with the feelings but it's not easy. I try to be grateful for all that I have now...Maturity helps, thanks Rawbill!
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
11 Mar 10
That is the best way I think. Focusing on the good friends, family and lovers that we have now and being grateful for them should be able to heal the old wounds. I think the guy made a mistake as his mother probably would have accepted you eventually if she loved him and respected his feelings. But these things happen for a reason and we move on to bigger and better things!
@daliaj (5689)
• India
30 Mar 10
I understand that some past moment hurts even after many years. I am sorry dear. It seems he was also helpless. He had to take care of his mother and he was not courageous enough to destroy the dreams of his mother. Some people look down on divorced people as they have committed a big crime even if it is not the problem of the girl. I don't know when the world will change. Anyway, you are lucky and god was so merciful to you by giving you a great man to share your life with.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
30 Mar 10
Yes I am very lucky and, looking back I feel relieved that things didn't work out with my ex although I have a little way to go to get over the hurt that he caused me; doing this discussion has actually helped and the feedback has been so helpful. I resented being judged because of my divorce; it was a painful enough experience without being criticised for it! Thanks for adding to my discussion daliaj, I appreciate it.
• Philippines
17 Mar 10
do not dwell in the past. i ve had some traumatic experiences as well in the past that i d rather keep to myself. i ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder cuz of this experience. what s worse is i tried to kill myself when i was having those PTSD s. then one session with a phsychiatrist, i realized as he was babbling endlessly, i have been dwelling in the past. why not live today? why dwell in that stupid, nonsense, and ugly past? today is much brighter, colorful, louder, full of life. the past is in black and white, horrible, static, sad. then i decided i m never going back to that past. i m gonna take that past and im gonna really burn it completely. and then i felt surprisingly better.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
17 Mar 10
They are wise words frontvisions101 and I agree. There comes a time to let go of past hurts and that is part of the reason I shared my story here, it is the first step for me to move away from it by letting it go. I am getting there and everyone's great responses sure have helped. I appreciate your great response I will take your advice on board, thanks!
@ronnyb (6125)
• Jamaica
13 Mar 10
Wow Paula that is quite a touching story and I could almost feel your pain .There are many issues that were raised in this story .Firstly the issue of family and what role they should play in your life .THe fact of the matter is most marriages do better when the family accepts your spouses and especially in instances when your spouse is accepted by your mom.I mean most men share a special bond with thier mom and usually if your mom doesnt accept your woman ,its going cause many internal confilct as you will be torn between your love and family which is never a desired situation.That said though the questions also arises as to who you will cling to . And then the situation which was imposed on your boy friend by culture.Sometimes it is best to avoid the pressure that will come to bear because of cross culture marriages In the end I like to think that we end up with persons that we are meant to be with and that marriage wouldnt have worked out based on the many obstacles. Your pain is natural because you havent had closure on the issue but I am sure you have an handle on this situation otherwise youwouldnt have made it this far without going to a sanitarium
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
14 Mar 10
(LOL)! That is true! My sister and I have had very dysfunctional upbringings and relationship dramas on top of that and we often joke that we really should be in a padded cell somewhere! We are both on antidepressants but life is not so bad. I have a good marriage with a wonderful man so it is not my ex that I am struggling to get over but the pain he caused me. Starting this discussion and sharing my story has really helped and I will follow the great advice I received here and continue to focus on all the good things I have in my life right now which are many. Thanks for a really good response ronnyb I appreciate it!
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
13 Mar 10
Being devastated never really goes away. Anything that shatters us has a way of hanging around forever. I think that it is great that you have moved on and I think that you have to remember that the problem was not yours..it was his. It wasn't that you were not good enough. It was that you two weren't meant to be together.I would bet that there are a lot of times that he regrets his choice. You weren't less..you were more.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
13 Mar 10
Thanks Jen, they are nice words "...you were more". I know I am in a much happier situation now and I often wonder if he ever regretted his decision but it doesn't matter now because it is no longer about him, I am working toward eliminating the pain of the memory. Thank you for the response, I appreciate it Jen!
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
12 Mar 10
I am so sorry to hear that you have experienced a devastating fairytale like love story that didn't end happily like Barbara Catland's novels which always have happy endings. Maybe you were just not fated to be with each other and that was a blessing in disguise as you will never have found happiness with the present spouse if it materialized at that material time. I think cases of 'loved and lost' is common in the world of romance and I too have had my fair share of experiencing my heart smashed to pieces when my dad totally refused to accept the man I loved most to marry me. He disliked him and avoided him like plague. After several trails of approaching my dad for my hand in marriage still it wasn't successful and in the end this poor guy surrendered when he met someone to fill the void in his heart. I was left crying till my eyes run out of tears. But 3 years after I got married to my present husband he did come to see me, for old time sake. . It did rekindled the pain once more and until now memories of him still lingers on though the connection is totally cut off. I hope to see him one day before I leave this world.
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
12 Mar 10
I am a little different because I have no desire to see my ex ever again! I have nothing to say to him after what he did to me. It is just the pain I am working to get over so I can avoid reliving it every time it comes to mind. You are right in saying that it wasn't meant to be and that what I have now is much more precious. I've received a lot of good advice from all of you and I feel better for sharing. I thank you for responding and sharing your story with me zandi, what you went through sounds terribly painful too. Life is like that...
@AmbiePam (44533)
• United States
11 Mar 10
I guess it doesn't really help knowing you dodged a bullet with him. Being hurt, even if it saves us from jerks, is still painful, no doubt! I've not had that experience in a romantic relationship, but in a platonic friendship I once had, I felt like my heart had been sliced. Most of the time I don't think about it, but then every once in a while something brings it back to mind, and I experience a sharp pain. Not one physically, but it's like my heart being sliced again. You're worth 100 times more than that guy or his mother.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
12 Mar 10
Thanks Pam, I do know now that he was the one not good enough for me and he doesn't enter my thoughts very much at all, it's just the pain he caused still comes back after all this time...Your heart being sliced is an apt description...Thanks so much for your response!
@joygracia (1338)
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
wow! this is the toughest experience I come to know so far... I had my broken hearts also 2 years. I was taken for granted. Maybe think of it as a wonderful experience in the past the 2 of you having a relationship. Mine was a total lies compared to yours its a good experience. He's completely honest about the whole thing. Just appreciate the fact that you have such a wonderful experience with him, that's its a grace in the past and maybe there's practically some reasons why things like this happened. Mine, I'm still coping. I had my break ups just a month ago. My ex seems to treat me as if he don't know me. He had love someone else and he had lied to me the whole time in our relationship. He's not really sincere to me but there is nothing I can do about it. What I actually doing right now to cope with it is to just move on and finding ways to get busy especially when I come to think of all his lies. Its a painful process but life must go on. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
12 Mar 10
Yes, you're right joygracia life must go on and keeping busy is a good idea. Your breakup was only a month ago so the hurt is still very fresh. I hope some of the responses I receive here may help you too. If you can take the right action now, chances are you won't still be hurting 17 years from now! Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it and I wish for all your dreams to come true and happiness always.
@junmae (1592)
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
As I was reading your post, I can feel your pain. I understand that what happened to you was very painful because I believe that you love him so much. Anyway, I was hurt also, from my first love but he ended breaking my heart and leave me alone. I already moved on but when I remember that incident on how he left me, I still felt the pain and suffering in my heart.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
Some pain is tough to get over and I guess you never quite forget even if when you've moved on, best to focus on all the good things we have now. Maybe some hurts you never quite get over they are there to remind us of lessons learnt. Thanks for the response junmae!
@dawnald (84124)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Mar 10
There's one hurt I guess I'm not over totally, but I'm not quite ready to talk about it in public. I'm sure it wasn't that you weren't good enough though. It was probably that he couldn't choose you over his mother. :-(
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
Yes he was not man enough to stand up to her and I have to wonder if he ever has since, maybe she ended up finding him a wife, who knows! It takes time to get over past hurts, that's for sure and it can take a while before you are ready to share too. Thanks Dawn!
@Hatley (152027)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Mar 10
paula did you tell that good man of yours about this? what did he say ? I bet he said quit beating yourself up, the man was a jerk, you are more than good enough, he let mama call shots, he is a jerk. forget him and move on . you are worth two of him a nd his precious mama. discard that, throw it in a mental trash bin. as I threw that man who was my own father who molested me at age 8, oh I gave him respect as my father but no more love, hatred I did away with when my dear hubby suggested I forgive the man but I no longer lovedhim, he killed that in me as a child. I have put it in my mental trash bin. and here it will stay. I moved on, Ihad a husband and two wonderful children and life was good. I am widowed now and life still is good, hard but good.[
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@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
11 Mar 10
Thanks Hatley, I like the idea of a mental trash bin! My husband is a man of few words, when he first heard my story he shook his head and said," He is and idiot, I'm glad he let you go though...'' he smiled and that was good enough for me! I agree that forgiveness does not mean condoning, it means letting go of the resentment and it is the best advice. I am focusing in all that is good in my life and it is a lot! I appreciate your candid response, Hatley,it means a lot, thank you so much and stay happy!
@Loen210 (1533)
• United States
30 Mar 10
Oh Paula... I'm so sorry. I am also glad that you were able to vent out here to us. Right now, I can't write much, because it is late and there are a lot of difficult things going on over here. There are people from the past who we never get over. I have childhood sweethearts who I can't let go of in some small or somewhat way. That is such a heart wrenching story, and wish it didn't happen. Does your husband know about this? Warm thoughts coming your way, Paula!
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
30 Mar 10
It has helped to have shared this story here and the responses I received have been really helpful. My husband knows the story and he has often said that although he hates the idea that I was hurt he is glad that it didn't work out with my ex! I will move on, it happened a long time ago and sharing was a positive step. Thanks for responding Loen210, I appreciate it.
@eshaan (6193)
• India
27 Mar 10
we need to be very strong and for that we should be practical...what i have learned from life...you may say i am still learning..is that....never think that what you think or are expecting will come true..because world is very different than we think...i know it hurts even after 17 years...and the scar will be there forever..only the tough person can make it fade...but not the sensitive ones...to move on...stop thinking that you were loved...say that ...i am loved by my husband..my kid..and by the people who deserve my love...and for whom you are not only good enough...you are very very good