An Honest Marriage

By Jess
@JJ4Ever (4696)
United States
March 28, 2010 6:47pm CST
My husband and I are fortunate to have complete honesty in our marriage because I know several couples who do not. My younger brother and sister-in-law got married a month and a half before us so they've been married almost a year already. Time flies! I'm a little concerned for their marriage because of things I have observed in the last couple of months. I know it's not my place to interfere, but it is my business since they're family. My sister-in-law has lost two jobs in the last six months (of her own doing). They were both at gyms so you can imagine how difficult it would be to get enough new memberships to get paid commission in this economy. She quit the first gym because she didn't like how she was treated. She was making pretty good money, though. She started working at the next gym the day she quit the first one. My brother was fine with that since he knew the situation and thought that the new job would be better. Come to find out, the new job was even worse than the first one. My brother told her to stick it out at the second gym just so they would have the extra income for a little while since he was working at the time, thankfully. Against his wishes, she quit the job anyway because she hated it. However, she lied to him and told him she got fired. She may or may not have been fired anyway if she had stayed, but I don't think she should've lied to him. What do you think? She told me the truth and kind of laughed about it. I didn't tell my brother because I don't want to interfere with their marriage. That's her decision if she wants to tell him or not. Personally, I think she should've been completely honest with him. Do you think that's fair? If you were her, would you have told the truth? If you were in my shoes, would you tell your brother his wife lied to him? Jobs are hard to come by nowadays so anything is better than nothing. I think he should know about it, but I don't know if it would be right for me to tell him. The reason I'm concerned is because they used to live here in Michigan, but now they're moving to Tennessee because she got a job there. What's to say she won't be satisfied with her current position and quit that too? My brother doesn't have a job in Tennessee yet so she has to continue to work at least until he finds something. I know it's not my problem, but it seems like there's a lot of drama going on here! Please share your thoughts and thanks in advance!
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14 responses
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
29 Mar 10
Hi JJ! After a long while but you are still the same person I have known. Hugs. I am not an obsessed righteous person like my sister is but still I have my values in the right place I guess. I find it extremely not done when either of the spouses has to lie for whatever reason. There is no justification to it. I wouldn't have lied because it would not only shaken the foundation but also would have made me vulnerable and guilty. Your concern is justified and you have enough reason to. and I totally understand the attitude that made you feel so bad. I just wish she doesn't get habitual with this kinda lies. that would be really sad for the relationship.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
Hey you! It's great to hear from you, my friend. I'm not someone who looks down on people either, but I'm concerned for my brother and his marriage. They haven't even been married for a year and are having all these things to work through. I don't think it would've been a big deal if it weren't for the dishonesty. I'm a firm believer in complete honesty in a marriage because that is its foundation. I'm glad you think my concern is justified. I don't think my sister-in-law should've made excuses as to why she could lie to my brother. It probably hurts me as much as it hurts my brother (if he knew the truth)! So...that's why I'm undecided here. I won't be the one to tell my brother, but it just concerns me for their marriage. Like you said, my biggest concern is that her dishonesty will continue on in their marriage and end up in horrible problems. I wish them the best as I know what it's like to be newly married, although my hubby and I experience completely honesty in our relationship. I don't want to sound like a control freak or anything! I'm not the one to do anything about this situation, but it's been an interesting discussion. I hope my brother finds out what's going on so they can have a happy marriage. Thank you so much for your kinds words!
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
9 Apr 10
The time when we think this way is time we change our job. Nothing's wrong or nothing's good about a job as long as it's satisfying. And a dynamic task master like you would be an asset everywhere she goes. I totally understand your current situation. Even though trust that your team leader does, is a big thing, there are times when we are thirsty for appreciation. The appreciation that gets us going, that gives us the power to think differently and work on our creativity. Money is the best incentive but without appreciation e do not really get to taste the sweetness of it. I wish you luck in all of your endeavor and you will be an asset. Just be the person you are and love life like you do.
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@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
9 Apr 10
My apology JJ. Wrong post on the wrong place. Was working on separate tabs. See another goof up!
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@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
What he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her. It may be sound if you are 100% honest to your partner, but is it really 100% good if you are honest all the time? Just imagine when you were pregnant and you asked him if you have been feet or if you have become ugly - what if he said "yes", would that make you feel good? How about when you cooked a meal and he'd say it was the worst spaghetti he's ever tasted, would that make the marriage solid? I don't think the sister-in-law was mistaken for not telling the husband about her quitting instead of telling him she got fired. He will be angry if he knew she had quit, but if she had stuck through a job that wasn't making her feel good, then she's being dishonest to herself. My mom, who's married for about 31years now, always told me that regardless how a husband and a wife is considered one, each has his/her own individuality. Take off the uniqueness of each, then you take away the humanity. Simply put, you don't need and should not be 100% honest about everything. But it doesn't mean either than you should keep sensitive things from your partner. You need to know how to adjust to the situation. Plus, never be over confident for you may be married to him but you don't own the mind of a person. How sure are you that he's being honest 100%? Perhaps he's just telling you what YOU want to hear but is thinking differently inside. Don't take him forgranted for there are surprises in relationships that are not worth knowing about.
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@khalida (1130)
• India
29 Mar 10
hey! i really like your comment and the way you think! :) damn cool! but i still think there should be greater amount of honesty than lies right!?? :)
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@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
31 Mar 10
Oh yeah, trust and honesty will always be the foundation. It should never be undermined.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
Thanks, Laydee! I agree with Khalida. You bring up many excellent points, but honesty should definitely be the foundation...more truth than lies. I don't think you mean to say that we lie to each other as much as you mean that we don't have to tell each other everything! For instance, when we first got married and my parents will still against our marriage, I chose NOT to tell my hubby what my parents thought and said about him at the time because it would only hurt him! They didn't think he was right for me at the time, but I didn't continue to tell him those things because it would only tear him down. That's not how I want to treat him anyway. I completely see your point! Excellent response. Thank you both for your comments.
• India
29 Mar 10
marriage does not game .this is part of life for everybody so honest and love most improtent.
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• Bangladesh
29 Mar 10
For marriage, loving & beloved the most important thing ever. What do all of u think of?
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
When I think of marriage, I definitely think of love, but the first thing that comes to mind is honesty and trust. That is probably why I have the feelings I do toward this situation along with the fact that these are my family members. I hope all works out for the best!
@grkelly (1216)
• Malta
29 Mar 10
It is doubtful how much the wife of your brother is willing to stick to working in any job. It is unfortunate that they are going to move house simply to accomodate her location for the new job. Besides she should be truthful with her husband. Your brother should be made aware of her slack and her lies so as not to make wrong decisions because of her.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
I know my brother is aware that his wife doesn't stick to a job for very long, but I surely hope she likes this new one that they moved for her to get. She's been there two or three weeks already, so that is a good sign! (LOL) I guess my biggest concerns are that she will stick to a job and that there will be no more dishonesty from her in the future. I don't want their marriage to fall apart because of silly decisions. Thanks for your response!
@sasalove (1710)
• China
29 Mar 10
I don't agree honest marriage. We need to have skills to maintain the relationship of marriage. A white lie could be understandable and accepted. As the situation of your sister-in-law, I agree that she told a white lie to her husband. There are some reasons that she did not like to work in the second enviroment. Leaving that Gym is her choice, early or late, it is just a matter of time. If your sister-in-law confessed to your brother that she would like to quit the job and your brother would not agree, an argument would develop in such circumstance. It is wise not to tell the truth. Every couple would have their own communication skills. Your brother may feel better if he did not know the truth. Your sister-in-law may find another suitable job if she quited earlier. We could not predict, hence we don't have the rights to determine. I think your sister-in-law just treated you as one of her best friends and want you to keep the secret. It is unnecessary to interfere.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
19 Aug 11
I appreciate your honesty. Yes, I can see your reasoning with keeping the truth from your spouse to save an argument. Sometimes maybe the husband wouldn't agree with the reasoning behind something the wife did. Some things are just better left unsaid. I agree with you there. Thank you for responding!
@khalida (1130)
• India
29 Mar 10
hey! if u feel your brother has a right to know.... u should make sure he comes to know. don't tell him directly as he wouldn't know whom to believe and if your sister in law comes to know that u told your brother about the job, u guys might end up having a fight! so create the situation where ur brother comes to know through other source. may be your husband? ;) well i think honesty is very important in a relationship. may be small, silly lies can be looked over but that's what leads to a pile of lies. its better to tell the truth in a relationship and be aware of what each other think about themselves right :)
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
You're right! Part of me does want to make sure my brother finds out, but I would never say it to him directly. I think he and my sister-in-law would be mad at me and my husband if my husband were to tell him. I would hate to put my hubby in that position even though he feels the same way I do! However, some of my brother's friends know about the situation, so perhaps my brother will end up finding out from one of them! We'll see...thank you for your response, my friend!
@myramae19 (667)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I can sense that you're really a good sister Anyway, about their situation... I think your sis in-law is old enough to realize of what she's been doing, let her be the one to tell everything to her husband, it's hard to get in the middle of their relation, your brother will sure get mad if you will tell him the truth, It was all about work not anything personal like cheating your bro
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
You're exactly right. I would hate to do anything to make my brother upset over the situation and the fact that his wife lied to him. I also wouldn't want her to find out that I told him. She would probably be upset with me if I told him and upset with him for not allowing her to quit. I think if she'd only talked it over with him before doing anything, it would've all worked out, but that's for them to decide. It's their marriage, and I'm not about to interfere because I have my own marriage to concentrate on! LOL Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it!
@umit_umit (1986)
• India
29 Mar 10
well friend don tbe in their midlle its very good part of you that you are nice,but anything goes wrong with in them they will accuse you for all the troubles!let them settle the things!if they can settle it
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
19 Aug 11
Thank you, my friend! I have done just that.
@besthope44 (12145)
• India
29 Mar 10
Well, marriage is trust towards each other. So there is no need she has to lie her husband. Good or bad, lets there be no secret or hide between the couples. Even we had lots of problems before our marriage, but we feel sharing the worst things is also important to have a stable and sincere marraige.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
19 Aug 11
I couldn't agree with you more! Honesty is always the best policy, especially in a marriage, and even when it's the most difficult. It's always worth it!
@jasmeena (850)
• Indonesia
29 Mar 10
Hmm..sometimes we don`t tell the truth not because we want to cheat on someone, but maybe your sister is waiting for the right time and moment to tell her hubby about why she quit the job. You can ask her why she doesn`t want to tell the truth to her hubby, but again, do not interfere. You can give advice, suggestion, but not interfere.We have to find the reason why first, i think your sister doesn`t mean to cheat on her hubby if she hasn`t told the fact. she only wants to wait for the right time and situation.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
I'm really not sure if my sister-in-law intended to tell my brother the truth at all. Not to make her look bad, but I highly doubt she will tell him. I just don't know if that's her intention since she knew he didn't want her to quit. However, if she had told him the truth from the start, that she wasn't happy working there and that she wanted to quit, I think he would be so understanding and allow her to quit anyway. If she would've just communicated honestly with him, I think it would've worked out for her, but that is her choice. Thanks, my friend!
@Polly1 (12650)
• United States
29 Mar 10
I would stay out of that too, they will have to work it out. Its too bad that she told you the truth and not her hubby. That was wrong of her to put you in that position. If she hated the job that much, it shouldn't have been that big of a deal that she quit. I know jobs are hard to come by, but you shouldn't have to keep a job when you hate it that much. She should have been honest with her husband. If she felt that she had to quit because she hated it that much, then he should understand. But then depending on how you are doing finacially, you might have to just suck it up and deal with it until you can find something better. Hopefully the move will do them good.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
I can definitely agree with you that it did put me in an interesting position when my sister-in-law chose to be honest with me rather than her own husband! I guess as long as he doesn't question me, I'll be ok! I think the move has been good for them. It's been almost two weeks already...I can't believe it! My brother is coming to get the rest of his things, so he'll be staying with us tomorrow until sometime this weekend. It'll be really nice to see him again. It'll also give his wife some time to spend with her family, although I know they see them a lot anyway. I know they'll work through it. It's all a part of being married. My husband and I didn't really have all the surprises my brother and sister-in-law had, but it's probably because we dated at least two years longer. I also agree with you about the job situation. No one should have to stay with a job they don't like, so it was inevitable that my sister in law would not be there for much longer, whether she quit or was fired. Quitting got her out of there faster, but at least my brother was working at the time. As for me, I don't absolutely love my job and am looking for a new one, but I'm sticking it out till I have something nailed down because we need both incomes right now, and I wouldn't do that to my husband. I suppose everyone has to work out their own issues. I don't need to stress of borrowing more trouble and drama - LOL! Thanks for your response, Polly. It's always a pleasure to hear from you!
@SViswan (12072)
• India
29 Mar 10
It is right for you to be concerned but not interfere. Yes, I'm not for hiding things in relationships especially in a marriage. But I know lots of couples who do. I have a neighbour who is tryig to get back at her husband (who happens to be a very very nice, well balanced person unlike most of the Indian husbands I know) by doing things and lying to him or hiding it from him. One of her friends (a psychologist) advised me to do the same and be sneaky with my husband. I didn't feel it was right so I never did it. My husband and I have lots of arguments because we are very different from each other...but one thing that goes without saying for both of us is that we are honest and come right out and say what we need to. Due to my husband's temper, I sometimes wait for an opportunity to tell him things...but I always tell him.
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@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
8 Apr 10
I'm all for honesty in a relationship, but just between the partners. It would not be right in this case for me to be honest with my brother. If he had concerns about his wife lying and came to question me, I don't know what I'd do, but I hope I'd know the right thing! (I doubt this would take place, though.) As far as dealing with my own marriage, my husband is generally laid back, but can sometimes have a temper also. I do the same as you and wait for the right opportunity to tell him things. It's not to say I'm afraid of him by any means. I know he would never want to hurt me or be upset with me, but sometimes there are good times to talk and other times, not so much. I've learned a lot in almost nine months of marriage! Thanks for your wonderful advise and sharing how you handle things in your own marriage. That is wonderful!
@GardenGerty (96643)
• Marion, Kansas
29 Mar 10
It is right that you are concerned, but I do not think you need to get in the middle of things. Of course, who am I to talk.My son and his wife are separated, and he knows well enough what some of the trouble is, but he does not know about the lies she told me about him all of the time. If I tell him, she will say I broke them up. If you tell your brother that his wife lies he will either distance himself from a relationship with you, or he will keep it in mind and if she does not grow up, and they split, she will accuse you of causing it. You cannot win. Be the great sister I know you are, and listen whenever he wants to talk.
@JJ4Ever (4696)
• United States
7 Apr 10
This advice is just what I need. I haven't said anything to my brother about what his wife said to me. The last thing I want to do is cause friction in their relationship. She's his wife, so they need to work it out together. My brother is very smart and perceptive, so I'm sure he's aware of some things. The best thing I can do is remain neutral, and that is what I have done. Thanks so much, Gerty.
• India
29 Mar 10
marriage life have still stand on honesty so look tis way.
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