He wants us to move in with him
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
United States
April 20, 2010 3:58pm CST
Some of you will already know the history I have with my in laws... but I will refresh your memories on the basics. For 3 years we lived in a house my in laws owned, but they did not live there. Our relationship with the in laws got pretty bad, FIL was controlling and stubborn, and we were stressed out, so we moved. We now live in a small trailer and we've been here a little over a year. We're not exactly happy, we have little space, no yard, and we're not fond of our neighbors. We don't let the kids outside, instead we have to drive to a playground for them to play. But we're living on our own, no bills, and nobody to tell us how to live or what to do.
Since moving out our relationship with the in laws improved. FIL is more than tolerable, we get along with him quite well now. We go to visit him frequently, we invite him over for dinner, all seems well.
Mother in law died a few weeks ago, so FIL is pretty lonely, plus he has lost MIL's income so he's having trouble making ends meet. At MIL's funeral he told my husband he'd like us all to come live with him in his house, and he's mentioned it a few times since. Hubby did not bring it up to me until today. We had gone over to his house, and FIL had to leave, but we stayed so the kids could play in his yard for awhile, they had fun.
The pros of moving in with him is it would save us a little money, we'd have more space because it's a house not a trailer, and the kids would have a huge yard to play in.. I mean huge!! It's in the same school district, and the road is not too busy, it's actually a dead end up the way so the only traffic is people who live on the road. It is walking distance to all major conveniences, and one of my kid's friends has a grandma up the road who he goes to visit and can play with my kids while visiting.
Mostly it sounds pretty good, it's everything we need right now. But my major concern is what will happen with our relationship with FIL if we move in? Will he go back to being like he was when we lived in the house he owned, or has he learned his lesson and will he not be selfish, stubborn, and controlling? Hubby is thinking FIL has changed, that us moving last time was an eye opener for him, and also losing MIL has changed him. He does seem lonlier now and often wants to take my kids just to give him company. Hubby does not think he'd be as bad. He thinks life wouldn't change much except that we'd have space and the kids would certainly be happier.
We're certainly planning on having a nice, long talk with FIL before making a final decision.. we'd have to discuss financial arrangements anyways but we'll also bring up the attitude he had when we lived in the other house. Until such time as we're able to have this conversation, hubby and I are discussing it amongst ourselves, weighing the pros and cons.
In the meantime I'd like some input from my friends. Most of you know the sorts of stress I was under when I lived in that house... you remember some of my ramblings I'm sure. I hope you're also well aware of how badly I'd like the yard and freedom for my children, especially with summer upon us. Last summer was pretty dismal being stuck here all the time, especially when both of our vehicles died and we had no way to get out and go anywhere. So give me your feedback... what would you do in my situation?
2 people like this
16 responses
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
20 Apr 10
Well it sounds to me like you FIL wants and NEEDS you to move in with him. And all your pro's make it sound like a pretty good deal!
But you need to sit down and have a talk with him before you decide. Tell him your worries. Tell him that you want your relationship with him to stay positive, and that everyone have to work at it.
I think you'd be happier in the larger house (the kids will definitely be happier and safer in their own big yard!) And this economy, anywhere you can save money, you should!
Good luck! Let us know what you decide!
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
20 Apr 10
We do plan on sitting down to talk with him. It's been so long since we've had problems in the relationship that I'm almost forgetting what they were.. which is making me lean towards making the move. I just don't want to regret it later.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
21 Apr 10
Well think of it this way...you'll live there for a while, save up some money. And if one day things do start changing back to the way they were when you were all fighting, you can move out again. And you would have saved up some money during that time that will help you with the move....maybe? lol
Good luck!
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
21 Apr 10
OH...well...I guess your FIL would really like you guys as company during his last days/years on Earth.
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
4 May 10
That's a tough one. I understand your concern how things will go back the way they were. I've had those same concerns with my own in-laws before. The only difference is I actually lived with them. And now that my father-in-law's gone my mother-in-law has asked the same thing of us and to move in with her. But I can't see us (my husband, myself, and our kids) picking up and moving 500 miles away. We're happy where we are at, even if it isn't our own home. It is somewhat bigger than my mother-in-law's place and I love living off so much land. Plus my husband's job is here. Where my mother-in-law's at there isn't any need for the line of work he's in.
To top it off my brother-in-law lives there with her and he's the worst of all. So that just kills the deal for me, because I wouldn't ever want to live with him again. The first time, although it was short, was bad enough and my husband and I didn't even have our kids back then.
I can definitely see the pros and cons in your situation though. It would be tempting if I were in your shoes. However, at the same time it isn't something to jump into. Especially when kids are involved.
I see that this post is a couple of weeks old now. Have you and your husband decided what to do? Or are you still talking about it?
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Happy mylotting!
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
6 May 10
That sounds like a pretty safe choice. And like you said you can always change your mind later. 
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
4 May 10
At this point I'm thinking it's a no go.. though we haven't told FIL that yet. I'm just not feeling comfortable with the decision. I know we're not happy where we are, but honestly what we got going now is a pretty good thing. He only lives 5 minutes down the road and on nice days when we're bored we bring the kids over to play in his yard, whether he's home or not.. but when we get tired of it we have our own home to come back to. I know our finances are tight, and his finances are tight, and if we moved in with him that would ease a lot of the financial stress.. but I really do think it would cause other stresses.
By saying no now, I can change my mind and move in with him later if and when we decide to do that.. but if we said yes and moved in we'd be stuck with no other options.
1 person likes this
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
22 Apr 10
Hey Kat. Have to say, yes I do remember. Alot of what I would say coincides with cynthiann. Have a plan B. I mean "IF" you a brave enough to give it a shot. I personally don't think I could do a Round 2 of that stress. A yard IS nice..and maybe things could be different. GOOD LUCK
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
22 Apr 10
Plan B would be coming back to the trailer, because that's about all we can do at this point. We can't afford a house on our own, and apartments don't allow cats. But I'm not interested in constantly moving the kids back and forth just to see if we can handle things. That's why we're going to make certain this is the right move before we do it. We're weighing all the options and having plenty of lengthy discussion with FIL first.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
25 Apr 10
I remember how much trouble you had with your in laws it was a bad time for you then. I personally if it were me, would not want to move back with him. I guess it would be on my mind that things might go sour again or it would not work out plus I would not want to be his house under his rules, but then I am a bit funny like that and like to know I do not have to answer to anyone else. But I guess if the circumstances would be better for you all then it is well worth considering. I guess if you have a good talk with him about what went wrong the last time then maybe you can make sure that it would not happen again.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
4 May 10
At this point I'm pretty much against the idea of moving in with him. I think what we have now is good enough. We have a good relationship with him, which may be ruined if we move in with him, and we stop by to see him frequently which gives the kids a chance to play in his yard. For now I think that's good enough for us, and we're able to change our minds later if we want to.
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
22 Apr 10
Sounds like there's definitely a pretty substantial list of pros and cons. For me personally I don't think I could do it becuase I have a real problem sharing my space with others (aside from my husband). I think that in a situation where you guys were living in HIS house it would be really hard for you to feel like that space was truly yours. Since he's older I'm assuming he's retired and therefore he would be around all the time. You would never really get a chance to be alone because, like you said, he's lonely and wants the company. That might be something that you could deal with just fine but I couldn't - I like to do household stuff without other people around. I know that since you've got little ones the concept of 'alone' is a little skewed but you know what I mean!
I don't know, in the end you guys will figure out what's right for you. The way I look at it is that by moving in with him you'll be giving up some of your independence and that was something that prompted your move to the trailer in the first place. He very well might have changed since your MIL passed away but it would be a shame to uproot your whole family and give up the independence that you gained just to find out he was the same and he still drives you nuts. Then it's right back to the drawing board.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
22 Apr 10
I am similar, I don't like sharing my space with people. Some days I have trouble sharing my space with the people I already live with, hubby and kids. Hubby and I have spoken about this. He's pretty certain his father spends most of his day in his room, and he goes to bed early. It doesn't seem he'd get in our way much, but I do still worry about little things like that. I know it won't feel like home for awhile.
But on the other hand, FIL is getting older, and cannot do much for himself anymore. He has trouble keeping the house up, like cleaning and yard work, and needs help with that stuff. If we're there he'll be able to stay in the house for the remainder of his days, which I'm guessing are fairly numbered at this point. If he stays alone he may be forced out sooner or later due to not having the proper resources to care for himself and the house.
It is a big decision either way.. I guess in the end we'd be doing it more for him and the kids than for us. When it comes down to it we'll have to decide what's more important, the kids happiness or ours.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
22 Apr 10
You are definitely right, the long conversation with your FIL is definitely in line. You have to make sure that your family's life and his lifestyle are able to co-exist at this point in time.
That said, if his attitude towards your family stays improved then I think it would be the best situation to go live with him. The fact that you would have more space is probably the biggest benefit that you all would get out of it. However, also, living with your FIL would give your children the opportunity to know him in a way that few children are able to know their grandparents.
My husband and I lived with my mother for the first several years of our marriage and because of that my children are extremely close to their Nana. And, while I was pregnant with my son, my grandmother lived with us for a short time as well and it was great that Kathryn was able to know her great-grandmother in the way that she did.
Of course, you can't make your decision until you've had the opportunity to discuss the situation in depth with your FIL.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
4 May 10
My kids are already pretty close to their grandfather. He only lives 5 minutes away, and we go to see him at least once a week now that my MIL has passed. Hubby is really worried about him so we like to check in on him often, not to mention on nice days it's good to let the kids play in his yard.
Though I'm certainly not rushing into this decision. I just don't know if I'll be okay with sharing my space.. well, his space. I do feel as if he'll get controlling and possessive again. At least by staying in my own home for now I can change my mind later, but if we give up our place and move in with him we'll be stuck if we decide it's not working out for us.
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
21 Apr 10
I say go for it! After the long talk with your FIL of course. I would make sure he knows if you move in he is not the "landlord" that you are family and you are doing him a favor by moving in. I think it will be great for your kids to have a huge yard to play in and more room all together. I hope that you can work things out with the FIL so it's possible to move in and live together in harmony. I look forward to hearing how it goes.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
21 Apr 10
We're certainly leaning towards doing it. It is the best option for the kids. There's really no down side for them at all. I am the one who'll have to deal with FIL if his controlling behavior comes back.. so I'm the only one who really has a down side to it.. that's probably why I'm the one who's really questioning the move the most.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
21 Apr 10
Those are my fears as well. I'm wondering what's more important here. Do I take a chance on FIL's attitude so the kids can have a better quality of life? Plus we'll have a little more money because we'll be splitting the bills with him. My one and only hang up is what if it gets too stressful.. I don't want to have to move out again.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Apr 10
People can change. He's probably lonely, among other things. I'd have a long, serious talk with him about what you will and won't tolerate, and decide if his answer to you seems sincere, then decide.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
20 Apr 10
That's our plan at the moment. Thankfully hubby is off this week so we'll probably have it figured out before the weekend.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
21 Apr 10
Hey kats! Wow! What a difference a year makes huh? I do know the
"whole story" so I can definitely remember all the stuff that
both the MIL and FIL put you through to make you have to move
out of the house to begin with! And now that the MIL is gone
and things seem to be better with the FIL this is a really
difficult decision you have to make. I am sure that living in
a trailer compared to a house is no picnic for any of you! I
definitely see that as a big plus for all of you, especially
the kids! Honestly, I don't think FIL could possibly be as bad
as he was back then. He lost his wife and he almost lost all of
you too! He doesn't exactly have much left without you guys so
I think that he would "behave" this time around! What you would
need to do is get everything in writing this time! Making sure
that no matter what happens you guys get the house! If anyone
has to go it would be him! You have to be very firm about the
fact that you can't keep uprooting your kids! I really think that
you have a pretty good opportunity here and it could be a real
"win win situation" all around! Go for it kats!
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
21 Apr 10
That could very well be, and I'm hoping you're right. Step 1 is to talk to him first.
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
20 Apr 10
Oh FIL is lonely and having you guys there will give him a reason to get up in the morning. I agree with your husband he has probably opened his eyes and realized his mistakes. I would definitely do it because first of all having the kids happy and being able to play in a big backyard is a big plus. I also think if you all talk it over before moving in and agreeing to the the guidelines things should be alot better for all of you. Remember you don't like living in the trailer, your kids have no place to play and you don't like your neighbors. Living there maybe you can save money and then one day get your own place. Good luck in your decision.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
20 Apr 10
I have a hard time believing that people are capable of major changes like that. I think if you're born stubborn you'll always be stubborn. If you're controlling you'll always be controlling. I don't know if I can believe he'll be different this time, and I don't want to move my family in and then wish I hadn't.
@frontvisions101 (16043)
• Philippines
20 Apr 10
I suggest you move in with him. If he somehow gives some signals on changing back to his old self, you can threaten him that you will leave the house. If he's depending on you then he would try his best to be nice to you.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
20 Apr 10
When children are involved I cannot be wishy washy about whether or not I'll continue to live there. Children need stability, and threatening to leave will not be a stable life for a child. Plus, I do not make threats that I do not fully plan on backing up. This is a decision I must be sure of before making the move.
@Edzornam (138)
• Ghana
21 Apr 10
Waoo, how I wish I could read all these....hmmm...
too long for me but any, I hope the right desiccion is made..
....wish yu well gyal...hahah
@beckie665 (14)
• United States
21 Apr 10
I think you have a pretty good head on your shoulders from the story you have shared and it sounds like you have weighed the pros and the cons,It seems that they are pretty even..I would sit him down and let him know that you want to make everyone happy but that when you lived there before it was not easy and you are not looking for a repeat, let him know your concerns, also let him know that you all love him very much and are not looking to alienate him from your lives and that if you move in again you want to be able to live comfortably and not worry about upsetting him or doing something wrong,seeing it is his house. It is a sticky situation since it is his house, but at the same time he would probably benefit very much from you being there, he has less to worry about if you all help with yard work and house repairs and so on,This has good sides and bad also so alot of talking and honesty is the best way to handle this, if you all move back in and nothing gets discussed first you all are looking to get hurt and it could destroy the relationship . I wish you much luck
@thersdae_me (327)
• Philippines
21 Apr 10
People really change in time and with the course of events (especially unexpected ones) and FIL is no exception to this rule.
I see the pro's of your family living with him again but still, it is best to talk to him heart-to-heart before you do so just to make things clear between your family and him.
If it works, then everybody's happy. Otherwise, you'll have to leave him alone in his big lonely house... sad but true. :(
Good luck and hope it turns out well.
