what is the best way to discipline kids?

@quita88 (3716)
United States
August 8, 2010 8:58am CST
As most of you know I've been blessed with the presence of my two youngest grand sons from time to time in the last few months and discipline was a problem for me as it's been eons since I had to discipline a kid ! I found the article below interesting at this stage in my life, a grandma... I don't have a link for this discussion but I just read in May's 2010 Readers Digest that the best way to discipline kids is to "spare the rod" PERIOD. The first choice was: talking it out. India came in @ 85% U.S. came in 56% Other countries were either MOL but about the same The second choice was : Take away a privilege/s Australia came in at :39% U.S came in 37% Spain came in 29% U.K. came in 25% The third choice was: Send them to their rooms China @ 12% France @ 12% India @11% The fourth choice was:Physical punishment.....Germany came in 7% Russia came in 7% U.K. came in 7% The article didn't show a percentile for the U.S.,,,,,, Interesting??? Being almost 62 I've found myself amazed at the differences and would like to have your opinions as my grand sons come again next week end. What is your best choice in child discipline?
4 people like this
15 responses
@sjaswon (639)
• Jamaica
9 Aug 10
I never know that you find a article to help you for discipline on a children. But, I don't have a children. My family discipled me when I was a little kid. Sometimes, I was rude my parent. I should not do what I remembered. I am growing up to a man now.
1 person likes this
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
9 Aug 10
One of these days you will have kids and will be faced with deciding on discipline. Too bad you were rude to your parents tho. But,at least now you understand that you were. Good you are a man now and can see things differently. Hang in there.
1 person likes this
• India
8 Aug 10
as most of old ones are having two or more child's so discipline is very important.so here are two ways to make your children's disciplined---- 1.make your child's your friend and concern them what you want them to do or 2.beat your child's and show them your anger so they will fear you and will be disciplined but this is the bad way yo control your child as they will become rude to you and will not respect you.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
My child should be taught that he/she has responsibilities to me, the entire family and I need not make him my friend for him to understand his responsibilites in our family life. I also will not beat a child to show anger and know that he/she will be afraid of me in the future. I want respect and I want the child to understand he /she has to develop a sense of family and duty.
• United States
8 Aug 10
Sometimes i think about this and i think it's kind of funny when parents say crap like your kid has responsibilities to you, you decided to get pregnant and have that baby and raise it, you had the control to bring that child into the world and they had no say, the way you explain it quita88, i would have rebelled like hell in my teen years.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Wow... you really do have trouble with authority don't you? Seriously, at any age, everyone has a responsibility to their families.
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Rising my kids they got that swat on the butt,but now ya cant do that ya get in trouble grrrrrrrrrrr welfare people and busybodies! WE do alot of time outs like they show on Super Nanny When she gets out of hand after telling her no tto seeral times we end up hollering. but that really does no good gets her attention for 5 sec. Each kid is differnt and you just have to figure out wohat works with each one. I had a hard time with my kids when they got older as I really had nothing I could really take away till the stated going skating. and if I said they couldnt go they would try to go to dad well I would have to then tell him why they couldnt go and that they were grounded .
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
You had more kids than I did. I am not against spanking at all except like you say now if you bust that bottom you get into trouble. I have those neighbors across the street with the little girl who kept running across the street and opening my gate and letting my dogs out and I finally told the mama that she needed to bust her daughter's bottom...........she said, NO! I'll go to jail for that ! I had to put a lock on my gate and kinda made them mad. She still runs across that street and I hold my breath hoping she doesn't get run over. If I see her I run out and yell at her or call the house and tell the lady to get her daughter. They have a real discipline problem with her. She's a good kid but they don't make her mind. You and your husband had a good understanding and I'm sure your kids benefited from that. I think grounding is one of the best methods except they drive you nuts with their pity potty crap LOL Thanks for responding ..............
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Oh they didnt augue with me after I told dad what they did. they knew better. So they eithe played out front or went to thier rooms to do what ever they did. LInda watch tv or read mags. Wade listen to music and play with cars or what ever. MOstly they were outside. and they had to be in our yard by dark and we would set outside to be with them. Not sure how the other three that got kidnapped from me were disaplined but one one turned out pretty good and thats Clay.
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
8 Aug 10
wow that was fast thanks for BR
@barehugs (8992)
• Canada
8 Aug 10
Discipline is defined as," Punishment inflicted by way of correction and training." ( Online Dictionary) Does this sound like a good way to raise innocent Children? Forget the 'discipline' and try 'understanding, respect, and love!' Children are people too! Begin by respecting their rights. Follow this up by engaging them in conversation, as you would an adult, but in terms the child can understand. Let them know that they have rights, and even as you respect their rights, they must respect you ( their parent), and your rights too. Make a deal with them! For instance if they keep their room tidy; You (as their parent) will prepare their food and serve it to them. Give them an allowance for doing small jobs around the house, but never give them money for doing nothing. Show them love and respect, and they will return your love and respect 10 fold!
@barehugs (8992)
• Canada
8 Aug 10
Dear Quita88. I notice that you gave Best Response when your post was only one hour old. When you are premature with your B.R. you discourage further responses to your post, which costs you money. When responders see BR has been given they may just skip answering your post and go to the next! Its best to wait for at least a week before you give your BR.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Ah punishment? there are many forms. Training begins when they a child is born. Punishment is not always physical. I am not ever really angry with my grand sons. I just wanted to point out that I needed some opinions on disciplining them if need be. I do respect their rights and they respect mine, HOWEVER, the deal making should be done as a "if you see it needs to be done, do it" don't ask, do it" They don't always need to be paid for doing work that is part of every day life. The necessities in life, such a food preparation and serving them should be a no brainer. I pay the oldest for mowing my grass and they youngest for picking up the yard of the debris my dogs leave laying and also their stuff. I love them and tell them and they have proven they love me too even tho in their home affection is not shown. I make it a priority to hug and say "I luv U" every time I talk or text. I believe my grandsons are learning other ways of life and love cuz of my presence now and I'm proud to be a part of their lives now. I thank you for your response.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
BEAR HUGS...........so sorry you disagree with my choice.......the BR was good in my opinion.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
10 Aug 10
I think the best way to discipline a child is a good talking to and explain why it's wrong. I think I'd ask first if they knew why it was wrong and let them try to explain themselves and when they can't, you explain it to them. If that doesn't work then taking away their privileges is the next thing I'd do.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
10 Aug 10
I really thought discipline was going to be something new for me as a grandma but as it turns out and with so many members telling me the same disciplinary actions they take with their own kids actually nothing has changed. I talk to my grandsons and explain things to them. I understand my house rules are a lot different than theirs are at home but still they are basically the same. I had one incident where the middle boy, eleven gave me a "I don't want to" attitude and I told him in a stern voice why he wanted to................ he did it too.... After that seemed like we got along super great. The little one, :), he's a corker and still a baby in a lot of ways but we get along great. I think cuz I'm still a kid at heart myself is why we do get along great. But, you are right. with kids if you let them know in a calm manner with stern words what you expect out of them and then if that doesn't work, take away a privilege. So, I aint' doing so bad !! hugs, quita
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
11 Aug 10
The part that I had a problem with as a child growing up was 'why'. Why it had to be done this way, why I couldn't go there, why I couldn't associate with that person and so on. It was always 'because I said so'. Well, that doesn't explain it to a child and the child becomes rebellious. I know I did big time but not just for those reasons but because something happened to me that made me go on the self destruction mode. However, had I felt comfortable to go to my parents and tell them, I most definitely would have but because I was afraid, I didn't go to them and it made my life pure hell. Now once the adult explains it to the child then most likely they'll have a child who's more willing to do things the way they're told. Not always but it's a good start. Then the adult has to show some authority. Another thing I believe in too is when a child asks a question, they deserve to know the answer. Not like what I was told which was, 'oh you're too young to understand'. That's bullsh!t! If I had mind enough to think of the question then I have mind enough to know the answer. Maybe not the whole answer but an answer that would satisfy my young mind.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
9 Aug 10
Hi Quita, I have 2 grandchildren as well and they spend a lot of time with me over the summer months. I firmly set the house rules which are pretty basic and I don't have much trouble at all. I do stick with them. My granddaughter is the one most apt to challenge me on them. Last week she wanted a popcicle. I told her she could have one AFTER she picked up her clothes that she had strewn all over the living room. She said, "I'll pick them up only if you give me a pop." Well, I guess you know that was her first mistake. I informed her that we did not have a deal. She simply was not going to get her pop unless she picked up her things and if she did not pick up her things then not only was she not going to get a pop, we'd wouldn't be doing anything else fun for the remainder of the day...like go to the playground or swimming. The choice was then hers. She sat stubbornly on the couch for a little while and I busied myself doing other things. It did not take her long to realize that I was okay with her choice as long as she was and that I meant what I said. She not only picked up her own stuff but proceeded to dust and tidy up beyond what was expected of her. She just turned 5. Now when her and her brother get to arguing and fighting then I just take away whatever it is they are arguing over until they can come to a peaceful agreement to share.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
9 Aug 10
Hi Sid :) I've just recently been able to have my grand sons cuz I've been out of state but the article I read really did floor me. I was taught to spare the rod, spoil the child. I didn't like that even when I was raising my own son. I did have a slight problem with my middle grand son last week end. His dad, my son told me to have the middle boy mow the grass and when I asked I sensed he really didn't want to. Now it is unusually hot here but like I told him, if we get after it and take turns we can be done in no time. He mowed the front and then said he didn't want to mow the back....... I told him to go in the house while I helped my hubby with the weed eater..my husband is an invalid.. But, when I came back in the house the boy was on this computer playing games. I made him turn it off and told him his dad had suggested I ask HIM to mow cuz he would be the best at it but if he didn't want to there would be no fishing or computer. It was his choice and I also told him I loved him and wanted him here any time day or nite. He started to cry.........ah geez ! I held firm tho! I told him to wipe those tears and if he thought he still wanted to go fishing when it cooled down to get up and get on that mower. He did ! He didn't finish but it was hot. I paid him a few bucks and told him if he wanted to make a few bucks when he was here to mow for me. Still looks like you and I ran into about the same problem with our grand kids. Yours being a hard headed girl and mine a hard headed boy. I will have mine again this coming week end and I'll bet the boy asks to mow... I just feel as grand parents we have to stay consistent and make them understand we mean business. Discipline has come a long ways since I raised my boy but believe me, it never stops........... Thanks for your response. quita
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
9 Aug 10
Sounds as if you handled it well. I think the key is to be real clear on what you expect and the consequences if they don't abide.
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@AlixJ18 (27)
• United States
8 Aug 10
To me it all depends, because i know my self that i was a troublemaker, nothing disciplined me, meaning putting me in my room, taking away privileges, spanking, it never worked on me, to this day i don't really know if anything would have, the bad thing about my parents was inconsistency i didn't take them seriously because they never followed through with anything, so i think that's the main thing people need. As for spanking, i think any physical punishment is stupid and horrible, you can say it's to teach the kid all you want, but the truth is it's your way of getting your anger out at them, but having control over it. Spanking never taught me a thing except to fight against it and to hate my father for it, that's one of the most demeaning thing you can do, and it made me lose all respect for my dad, now i'm not talking a little swat on the butt, because i fought back he would have to hold me down and restrain me, a pet peeve, while hitting me, it was traumatic, i really don't care what anyone says it's not okay, it in fact did teach me that hitting was okay, and it didn't make me scared or respect them, during my first years of puberty i got into physical fights with my parents, because that's part of what i was taught, i'm a true example of how a little spanking sometimes can go very wrong.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
HMM? since this is the second response from you, I feel honored to be able to talk to you. Consistency is a problem sometimes in a family, but I feel something very bad has happened here... I did spank my son when he was small and he is a well adjusted man now. He even spanks his own three boys and they are wonderful kids to be around.. They are mannerly and help out at home and take their chores very seriously and do them without being asked. Your parents must have really been awful to you. If you'd like to talk to personally, PM me and we can talk this over in private. I feel your need for someone to listen to you. No, a little spanking cannot go very wrong but a beating or several beatings can. Do PM me. I'd love to talk to you on a personal basis. I am sending you hugs, quita88
1 person likes this
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
AlixJ18, Please read this: http://www.anger.org/ many hugs, quita88
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@shia88 (4582)
• Malaysia
6 Sep 10
Hi, I can say disciplining our kids is definitely not an easy task. Sometimes, I get myself over angry because my son gets naughty. But I won't never beat him hard,I will only scold him for being naughty and tell him not to repeat again.Let him know the reason why he should not repeat again. Only when he is really out of limit,then I will beat him.But for sure, not so hard,just a slight beat on his hand. That is to remind him that beating has a pain feeling and never repeat again.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
6 Sep 10
Personally I think what you do is akin to abuse. I just had my two grandsons and found out that a good talking too is the best source of discipline. Get help.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
9 Aug 10
Hitting a child is not the answer to discipline. It is just abuse then. Discipline has to come in the form of punishment that will instill insight to your child for what they have done. It can be handled without violence.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
9 Aug 10
I agree. Every choice of discipline can be handled without violence. I tend to talk it all out and only on occasion do I have to raise my voice. The kids seem to understand when they have done wrong most times. Violence is always out.
@acey76 (1278)
• Philippines
9 Aug 10
hi.......there are stages for a child that can adopt what you are instilling to them the first 3-7 yrs old will be the time to talk to them and instilling values, and right conduct, love and what do you like them to be .The next 8- 12 years old is discipline stage....this is the stage you set them, when will be the correct time to do stuff.....studying and playing, you have to be give them extra chores....for them to develop responsibilities, and set some grounds what will you do them if the make mistakes........... ages 3-12 are crucial stage to develop their discipline....if you will not do it at that stage...disciplining a child would be harder if they are at their adolescent stage coz it will be to hard to mold them when they do have develop their own interests and dislike. Mold your child when they are still young. :-)
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
9 Aug 10
One of my points exactly. Molding a child in the early years and the stages they do fall under are crucial to child development. Parents do tend to either under estimate or over estimate their kids worth or usefullness, or knowledge.... I know with my three grand sons the two youngest try to be macho with the oldest. The youngest does the same with the middle boy and the middle boy is still a little boy... They each have their good and bad/strong and weak points and yet my son, their dad, expects them all to do about the same in education, work endeavors and forgets they are still kids. Still he manages to work a full time job, coach all three teams in base ball and take them places and he really is good a dad. Kids need consistency and the knowledge their own interests are taken into consideration. When the boys are here, they are completely different from what they act like at home. They are little boys here and we talk and play. I may be spoiling them but I have books here they read that their parents have no idea they read.......... Thanks for pointing out your opinions and thoughts.
@Hatley (154691)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Aug 10
quita I am one who thinks talking it out is the best way to go with children. I do not have any grandchildren sadly. With my own I just had to give them the look, which I stole from my mom, and it was enough with dont you ever do that again you hear me? In a loud voice with the face. that face will stop even a misbehaving husband too. lol lol lol My mom had that down to a t and even in my teens it stopped me. she laughed later when I told her how the face affected me.You have to get a certain grim look with enough sadness to make the younger ons sad to make you want to cry. lol.My h hubby would say okay okay I got the message. later he would laugh at me. He always said just dont let your face freeze that way. he he.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
LOL, seems as tho I must have that same kind of face ! Hubby tells me ever so often that he hopes I don't die looking like this cuz he'd never be able to open the casket LOL But, we are older and we grew up in a different life style. Even my own son was good and I attribute that to the fact we talked and I too had that "dont' ever do that again" in my voice too........ 'course he to got his share of spankings when he was little....just don't tell him that. He might have me put in jail NOW So we is alike are we not
@Onions (49)
• Singapore
8 Aug 10
In my opinion, the best way would be just letting them do what they think best. They would only learn what's good for them when they get hit in the worst situation they could ever imagine. By then, it will be a worthwhile experience for them to learn and not do the same thing again. Of course, as parents, it's still your responsibility to keep an lookout for your kids and make sure the situation is not life threatening or crimes to say. Anyone agree? Cheers/
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
No, we do not allow children to to do what they think best and learn from it. We as parents guide our children and hope they to some degree can learn to do thing the way they are intended to be done. I as a grandma understand all to well that kids are raised differently than I raised mine a long time ago. Still we are all flesh and blood and no dear, I do not agree with you.
@Goldamier (104)
• Philippines
8 Aug 10
I would still prefer corporal punishment but of course depending on the offense / mistake caused. If it calls for face to face talk then go for it however if the outcome is worst then corporal punishment should be mandated. Everything has to be in control, of course you don't want to see your child dying because of the punishment you've vested. This is just to give warning to your child the possible pain to be experienced if same flaws happened, as the saying goes " Try to embrace the fruits of your labor"
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Spanking is ok but beating is out. Corporal punishment as I see it, understand it, is out too. We have to consider our offspring is a human being too. They are only small adults who need to learn. Embrace the fruits of my labor? Maybe you'd better not become a parent.
@ildano (34)
8 Aug 10
The best way to discipline kids is to communicate with them. Communication is the best medium in solving problems. Just remember that when you're talking with your kids, you shouldn't shout or be judgmental because in that manner they would tend to be rebellious. Give them time to explain their side and you should view the situation in both ways. A big no-no in disciplining kids would be physical punishment because it creates a traumatic experience to kids and that experience would eventually manifest as an emotional problem in later life.
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Yes, yes ! communication is the only way to deal with little kids. We have to be on their level and never shout. I like the way you think. I know I was rebellious when I was a kid and because I was yelled at and told I was stupid. The new psychological theories are new to me but spanking a child is not bad if they need it. I do agree that one could traumatize a kid by physical punishment....... thanks for your advice.
@shia88 (4582)
• Malaysia
19 Aug 10
HI, Being a parent is not an easy task. I myself is a full-time housewife and I have one little boy. My son is currently 3.5 years old. He is an active boy and has started his nursery class this year. I have tried to discipline my son since he was 1 year old. I always tell him what is right and what is wrong. What he can do and what he can't do. Of course, being a small kid,it is difficult for him to absorb my words and I have to repeat the same words always and always.Never give up!! I also teach him to be polite,always call people when he saw someone that he knows.Not to forget say "sorry" when he does something wrong and say"thank you" when he receive a present/gift from someone. Timeouts can be effective discipline for toddlers.A child who has been hitting,throwing food,for example,should be told why the behavious is unacceptable and taken to a designated timeout area(corner area) for a minute to calm down. It is important not to hit or slap a child at any age. Babies and toddler are specially unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavious and physical punishment. They will only feel the pain of the hit. Don't forget,kids learn from wacthing adults,especially from parents. Make sure your behaviour is a role model material.