When to Call It Quits
By RyanneD
@RyanneD (186)
United States
October 5, 2010 8:42pm CST
So here's my situation. My husband and I have been married for about 3 and a half years. We have two beautiful children, Lenora who is 3, and Lincoln who is 9 months old. We recently moved to a new state, a state where my husband grew up and has a lot of old friends. My husband moved ahead of us in order to find us a place to live and get a job, but a trip that was supposed to take only 1-2 months ended up taking 4. During his time here he reunited with old friends and went out every weekend and a few times during the week. I feel that he took advantage of his free time (which I'm sure I would have done also), but he took it to a different level and I percieved it as him losing sight of his priorities (i.e. finding a house to get his family back together). I was upset and hurt, but I made the decision to move past it and focus on the future. We had our family back together and all was well.
The week after we got unpacked and settled he decided to go out with a friend one Saturday. I decided to stay home because we couldn't find anyone to watch the kids. Long story short, he ended up staying out until 6am. I expressed to him how uncomfortable I was with that and that the only thing I can think of that he'd be doing at 6am is getting out of someone else's bed to come home. He swore nothing happened, that they just hung out and drank, and he promised he'd never do it again. Well, lo and behold, he ended up staying out until 6am three more times, knowing how it would make me feel.
This is where I need some advice. I feel lied to and disrespected. My feelings are hurt, my hearts is broken and I'm PISSED OFF!!!! Due to his actions I find myself no longer trusting him - not trusting anything he says or does. I think he's cheated and part of me still thinks he is. I'm so angry at him right now that all I can do it be mean to him - I don't want to be nice anymore, I've tried that. I'm depressed, I'm lonely - I've never, in my life, felt so sad. I feel stuck. On one hand I don't want to be with someone who lies to me and disrespects me. I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. Then on the other hand we have children. He's a great father and the kids are crazy about him. If I decide to leave I'll be splitting up my family, I'll be the bad guy.
Any suggestions, comments, whatever is much appreciated. I basically just want someone to talk to about this. I can't talk to my family because they tend to go straight to the worst case scenario, and that's not what I want. Divorce is a huge deal and it's something I never saw myself even thinking about let alone considering. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't know what to do. Help.
- Ryanne
3 people like this
8 responses
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
6 Oct 10
I was married for a very long time to a man 9 years my elder and I know your story well as he did much worse than this. I would never recommended and convince someone to leave their husband, but what I want to do is to think about how you are living now and how you want to be living let say in 10 years. As Ryanne whether you like or not 10 years are going to go by. Think about how you want to look back at the previous t10 years and there you will find your answer.
Someone told me this as I was so very young and naive and I wanted so badly to keep my family together. Well 15 years and lost a great deal of my youth to find that my dear ex-husband now had two children with 2 other women while married to me. I do not know what it is like to enjoy a 21st birthday, and or be free to enjoy even a girls night out as I was always home with two children, while my dear ex-husband ran around all over the place, all the while telling me that he was just out drinking. So I know what this utter feeling is like when you say being lied and disrespected. Just know that your children need you as a whole and not a wreck.
Good luck to you I sincerely hope your marriage will mend, but unless your husband sees his wrong doing I am afraid it is just going to be worse.
2 people like this
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Thank you for your comment. He's actually stopped going out all together so he's making the effort to fix things. The problem is I can't say for sure whether or not he's cheated. I have no proof, just a gut feeling. And I sure as hell am not going to split my family up over a gut feeling.
At this point it's just that I don't feel like he's being honest with me - I don't know.... Things have been pretty bad for about 5 months and I'm just stuck. I don't know how to move forward, to forgive him completely, because I'm afraid I'll end up looking like a fool. He's sworn that he's never done anything, and that he would never do anything to lose his family. Half of me believes him, the other half doesn't. We're going to find a marriage counselor to go to so hopefully that'll help things a bit.
Thank you again for your comment, I appreciate it! :)
1 person likes this
@shia88 (4571)
• Malaysia
6 Oct 10
Hi,
So sorry to hear about your situation.
At firstly, you have to handle this kind of situation in calm
condition, you have to stay calm and then only you can get
the solution to it.
You may want to check with your husband's friend and see what they
are doing for whole night hanging out there. Of course, not everyone
is willing to help up,but no harm to try out this method and
see what is the answer you will be getting from them.
Since your husband has been staying out whole night, of course,
there is a possibility he may have an affair,but then you don't have the
prove to say it,therefore, it is only your jugdement towards
his attitude.
Have a nice talk with your husband to work out on your relationship.
Maybe you guys can consider for short trip for holiday with your two kids,
get yourself relax and this is also a chance to get back your relationship
with your husband.
I really hope you won't make that worst decision(divorce) for the solution, as
you have two young children and I believe you don't want them to lost their daddy's
care.
Takecare..
1 person likes this
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Forgiving and forgetting is very difficult for many of us. We have to SEE that people can be trusted before we offer them forgiveness. I know, I am dealing with that myself. But it can happen over time. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're only human and you want what is best for you and your kids.
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Hi, thanks for the comment. You're right, I have no proof that he's done anything. Just a gut feeling - a gut feeling that just keeps nagging and nagging at me. He's changed and he's stopped going out all together, but I guess the problem right now is that I'm stuck and don't know how to move forward. I need to "forgive and forget" but I don't know where to start.
Anyway, thanks again. I appreciate it. :)
1 person likes this
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Yeah... I guess he's showed me that he's sorry and that he wants to work on this. Like I mentioned he's stopped going out all together. He just goes to work and comes home, but when he comes home things are so awkward, ya know? I don't know how to act around him anymore because this has gone on so long. 5 months doesn't seem like a long time, but when your environment is stressful and filled with resentment and anger for 5 months that can definitely get to you.
I need to just move on... I HAVE to make this better. My family is my everything. And the kids need their daddy, and he's a GREAT daddy. I'll figure things out eventually - thank you. :)
@peavey (16936)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Tell your husband that you're at the end of your rope - he may not understand just how hard it is for you, so try to talk about it rationally first. If you don't feel that helps, then go to a marriage counselor or find a pastor or someone who can be a mediator. If your husband won't go, go by yourself. You need to talk out your anger before you can make a good decision and your husband needs to make a decision, too.
A divorce is devastating to everyone involved, so don't go into it until/unless you're absolutely sure there is no other way.
1 person likes this
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Hi! Thanks for the comment! I have talked to him and things have changed on his end. I'm just kinda stuck, ya know? I don't know where to start in the "forgiving and forgetting" (although I'll never really forget). I need to move on, and I want to move on. I need to stop dwelling on the past and focus on our future as a family.
I talk about divorce but honestly I'm no where near making that decision nor do I want to. In my mind marriage is a forever thing - for better or worse. We're just at our worst right now and I don't know how to move forward.
Again, thanks for the comment. I appreciate it. :)
1 person likes this
@peavey (16936)
• United States
6 Oct 10
I'm so glad that you feel that way about marriage. Most people don't any more, it seems. You're right in that you will never forget... that's not part of forgiving, but the memory will become less and less important as you move forward. Blessings!
1 person likes this
@verisexisara (24)
• United States
6 Oct 10
My boyfriend used to do this sort of thing to me plenty of times. My boyfriend used to stay out playing cards anywhere from 3-6am. And boy we used to argue and yell as well. I can tell you that it will continue to go on. He isnt gonna stop. But I havent done this but you can hire a detective to follow to see where he goes. Just for one time just to give you peace of mind so that you may know that he isn't in someone else's bed. You can look in the phonebook. I wouldnt do it on the computer cause he can go behind you and pull up all the history on the computer to see what u have done. Would it be better to know if he was actually with a group of guys? Would you over look it then? Otherwise think about the dective thing. Don't think it would cost much to follow him one night.
Good Luck
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Thank you for your comment, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. However I'd never hire a detective. I'm trying/hoping to get back to the point of trusting him again and even as much as I don't trust him now I'd never snoop like that.
Also, he has stopped going out - completely. He goes to work and comes home. Right now I think I'm just stuck, ya know? I don't know how to move on. Our dating past wasn't great and I think I've kind of regressed into that sort of thinking again. Also having kids doesn't make it any easier. I think that I'm so scared that he's going to turn into the guy he used to be when we were dating - but since we have kids now I may be more on my guard so that we don't get hurt. I don't know... I guess I'll figure things out.
I don't want to get a divorce or even seperate. I want to get back to "normal". I want to start from scratch and be happy again. Play with each other, goof around, laugh, and just enjoy each other's company. Things have been pretty crappy for about 5 months and I'm just stuck. I don't know how to move forward and I know that I desperately need to.
Again, thank you for your comment. I appreciate it! :)
1 person likes this
@Ramaditya (1227)
• Indonesia
6 Oct 10
First of all, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I do understand how it feels.
So, have you ever tried to check what your husband is doing when he is out? I mean, ask your friend or your husband's friend to keep watch and tell you what happens. Because without any proof we cannot do anything about him. Who knows.
If he is indeed lying to you, I believe it will be revealed sooner or later. But if he does not, or perhaps he does something good that we don't know, then you can communicate with him about it and ask him not to hide it from you.
As his wife you've got the right to remind him about his behavior. Soft reminder has been taken, I can see, so perhaps you could also do the hard one.
Splitting up family is indeed something we must avoide the most. If you are sure you can survive, then focus your everything to your daughters. But, if you cannot survive anymore, I think you should not force yourself. It's bitter, but better. There are many single Moms out there than can do it successfuly, but again, I do not recommend it if you can still survive.
Hope this little speech can help you a bit. Let me know...
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. We've talked about everything and he's stopped going out completely, so he's definitely making the effort.
I guess I just needed to hear what other people thought. I needed to vent to someone who doesn't know about our dating past (which isn't great).
Anyway, thank you again. I appreciate it. :)
1 person likes this
@thirdylopez (175)
• Philippines
6 Oct 10
Get help and talk it over with that professional...
Sometimes, it takes a third person to knock some sense to people...
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
6 Oct 10
As a person who has been cheated on more than one time I have to say if your gut is telling you he has cheated he probably has. But that does not mean you have to end the marriage. However if the marriage is going to work he must come clean and you must take steps to HEAL the marriage. It's not something will come easily but it is possible if you both want it to work. I understand all too well the feelings of being broken hearted and unable to trust. The trust will take time to regain but it can be done at some point. First, you have to set some ground rules and he must quit going out with his friends for all hours of the night. You must focus on the marriage if you want it to work.
If you do decided to leave remember it took two to tear it apart. It isn't all on your shoulders. If he hadn't betrayed your trust you wouldn't even be considering leaving.
Good luck and I hope all works out for you. Marriage and family are important and must be taken seriously. I hope he will begin to open up and allow you to work toward trusting him again.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
7 Oct 10
Hi Ryanne,
I know that "gut feeling" you have when something is just not right and I have to say that you are right in paying attention to it. I had that "gut feeling" when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Something just wasn't right between us and I did think it was another woman. He was out a lot and just wasn't being his usual self around me. Whenever I asked him, he'd tell me that it was in my head and that I had nothing to be concerned about. Well in the end I found out that my competition was not another woman but it was heroin. In the end, I just could not compete with that. Bottom line is that it was the lies and disrespect and all that really began the downfall in our marriage. Had he come to me and talked to me, I think I would have been of course upset but not nearly as much as how I did find out which was to walk in on him with a needle in his arm while our baby lay crying on the bed! I had gone up to the school for a meeting with the oldest daughter's teacher. Guess I got home a little quicker than he had anticipated.
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
6 Oct 10
See, that's what I feel too. I feel like if my gut is telling me he's done something then he probably has. I take pride in the fact that I know him - inside and out. I know he's keeping something from me and I just wish that he'd come clean. I've told him that before, too. I've told him that I need closure - which I do. I think having closure and knowing, once and for all, what has happened will help me move on. It'll help me put everything to rest and focus on our future. But he keeps telling me that nothing's happened, that all he would do is hang out and drink with his friends. But no matter how many times he tells me that and no matter how hard I try to believe him, I just don't. If I could have anything, anything in this world, one wish granted, it would be for him to finally open up and tell me the truth about everything. I think part of him thinks it's a trick, ya know? I think he's afraid to be honest with me because if he is I'll leave. But I honestly don't think I would. I think knowing would help start the healing process. I guess I just don't want to look like a nieve, gullable, idiot if I just take him for his word and he has cheated. I don't want him to think, "hey, she believed me, that means I can do it again".
I don't know if that makes sense. Nothing really makes sense when I actually write it down. I have so many thoughts crammed in my head all the time - they tend to get scrambled up.
Anyway, thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. :)
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
7 Oct 10
Hi RyanneD,
Your husband could be telling the truth about just being with the guys drinking. If he drank too much and did not want to drive home or it is possible that your suspicions are right. Either way, it is tearing your relationship apart. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling and how you feel like you want to end the marriage? How would he feel if you went out and did not return home till 6am? I guarantee you he would not like it. I know you don't want a divorce or anything but I also don't think you should tolerate his behavior. It isn't good for the kids for you to be worked up and miserable. If he isn't willing to work with you then maybe a trial separation would be the eye-opener he needs.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
7 Oct 10
Well one thing that is really good here is that he is willing to work with you and takes the time to communicate. My husband and I did not have that. My husband got very secretive when things were not right between us and he got very angry if questioned. Don't feel guilty at all. Your husband is the one that stayed out till 6am and even if it was just with the guys drinking, it is what started all this between you. He should give up his social life for now and work on his relationship with you. I think it is commendable that he actually is because I know many men that would not bother. You should not feel guilty at all.
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
7 Oct 10
Thank you for your comment. I've most definitely talked to him about everything. That's the really good thing about us, we communicate really well. We always have. And, like I've mentioned to a few other people on here, he's stopped going out all together so he's definitely made the effort to fix things.
I know my feeling like this isn't good for the kids, and believe me I'm consumed with guilt every day because of that. I'm trying my hardest to convince myself to just start over. But it's so damn hard. I left with the kids for a couple of weeks to visit my family while he stayed home and put in some extra hours at work. We decided that this little vacation would be good for us and then when the kids and I got back we could start over. The few days we spent together before the kids and I left were fantastic. We were acting like our old selves again. We were playing and goofing around, making each other laugh, cuddling. But then after we left my nagging suspicions came back and I got insecure again. We're back home now, have been for about a week, and I'm, again, finding it hard to be normal around him. I keep trying to focus on what it was that made me act normal those few days before the kids and I left, but I can't for the life of me remember how I did it. I can't remember what it was that made me just let loose and have fun with him again. I'm trying really hard to get back there, though.
We've decided to see a marriage counselor about all this. Maybe he/she will be able to help us handle this is a different way - a way that'll help me move on. He's ready to move on, he's been ready. And I gotta give it to him, he's been a real trooper. He's been patient and understanding, he's sacrificed his social life completely (another thing I feel guilty about) and he's tried to play with me on more than one occation but for whatever reason I can't make myself just give in. I'm not a stuborn person at all, but I just can't make myself budge on this one.
Anway, I'm rambling now... Thanks again for taking the time to give me your opinion/advice. I really appreciate it. :)
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
7 Oct 10
Thank you Sid, I really appreciate it. And I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and his addiction. I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were to have found out about that let alone walked in on it. You're a strong woman.
I agree with you that it's good that he's stopped going out. He got home about 30 minutes ago and I've actually managed to be nice to him. Since he's been home we've been talking just like old times - well almost like old times, there's still a little tension. Putting this discussion on here has actually helped me organize my thoughts a little. I figured I'd just use mylot to vent but there have been a few people (you included) who have helped me kinda sort things out. I don't think things are fixed, don't get me wrong, but I feel a little more clear headed.
Thank you again for your comments and for sharing your story about you and your husband. You've helped a lot. :)
