???my Job or my Boyfriend???

@griecy07 (103)
Philippines
June 4, 2011 2:01am CST
Supposed to be I am going out of the country to work as a clinic nurse. But my boyfriend (a seaman) won't allow me to do so. Because he heard stories from his co-workers that a lot of relationship fails with the same scenario. According to them, there is a possibility that i might fall in love with my co-worker or other guy because my boyfriend is not around. That i might seek comfort with other guys, ect. ect. ect.[Who are they to judge me anyway, do they know me better to have a conclusion like that?] But those stories pollute my bf's mind and change his decision from allowing me to leave the country; to, provoking me to go. He was so bothered about what he heard, and i was surprised when he asked me to choose between him and my career. In other way around he told me that he prefers me to stay because he wants to see me every time he goes home from work. That he wants to spend quality time with me and how could he do that if am not around. If i am going to insist my desire to leave i will lose him. His decision was final and i could not change it anymore and am running out of ideas how to convince him. Now what am i going to do? Should i sacrifice my dreams for my boyfriends sake or should i sacrifice him to pursue may career and make my dreams come true?
8 people like this
48 responses
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
He doesn't allow you to do things while he is away and who knows if he's doing those things that is why he's polluted mind gives him fears. I think that's usual for men who are seafarers, they want their women to stay at home so that these women would not be exposed to the real world. Before you know it, he has a lot of girls in different countries just like you (waiting for him in their permanent places). Besides, if you're going to go to another country to work, what's stopping him for going there instead of going to where you are now? I think his reasons are absurd. I don't think it's a matter of choice but it's a matter of him understanding that you too need to do something instead of just wait for him to come back. What if he decides not to come back anymore? How sure are you of his promises anyways? If I were you, I would talk to him again. Tell him to give you the same trust you give him when he's far at sea. Relationship may be tested but at least you'll know early on if he's the right one for you or not. I have a friend who has a seafarer boyfriend too and she's a nurse working in China (abroad). The relationship may be tough but at least they go to other countries for vacations instead of just staying in their home country. Not to mention that her paranoia is a little bit lower because she's busy doing something else instead of being idle. I tell you, if he really loves you, he will yield and understand your point. If still he insists, then I guess it's time for him to let you go.
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
I would like to say thank you for your words of advice. It really makes me pander for a while. How I wish that my boyfriend is like your friends boyfriend too. And you made me think, what if he's not the right guy for me so I loss the chance of achieving my dreams because of a wrong person? Yeah you're right. Trust is very important in a relationship. It keeps the bond together. Why I didn't think about it? Maybe I was too preoccupied with his ultimatum. I lost my momentum and ability to decide upon encountering such stunning question. And yeah you're right! I do need to grow also as a person and my life doesn't just depends on him. I have to go out of my comfort zone and go for my dreams. He must consider my decisions too, I've done a lot of things for him now it's my time to be considered.
3 people like this
@soulist (2987)
• United States
5 Jun 11
I completely agree if he is going to be out at sea alot how can he expect you to give up a good job and an awesome experience. I've heard stories about men at sea and I know not all men act like the stories, but remind him you could be feeling the same way thinking the same things, him finding comfort in another womans arms when he's at port or whatever. He needs to think of the situation from the other side as well.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
6 Jun 11
So, what happened next? did you talk to your guy about it?
@chinamma (24)
• India
4 Jun 11
if it comes to choosing between my boyfriend and my job i surely choose my boyfriend. because as long i will be with my boyfriend i can be anywhere and everywhere. because if u want u can get a new job in another city or town but if u want u cannot get a boyfriend like yours.and as long as iam with him i can even do a attender job.u guys can ask why do things like that but there is no answer for it except that i love him very much.
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
It seems that you're madly in love with your boyfriend. Leave something for yourself girl. Don't give everything for him even though you love him. Because you can't tell what will happen in the future, anything bad/unfavorable situation might happen in just a split second.
2 people like this
@rhejans (191)
• Philippines
6 Jun 11
I admire you have that kind of thoughts. I have the same answer with chinamma. I rather choose the one i love than choosing my dream to work abroad. Maybe because that's how we love. Give everything to a person that we love so much. I know at the end, if anything bad might happen atleast we've prove to our selves how we love that person. I don't know. we might have different thoughts (maybe we are just stupid. maybe the quote is true "Stupid Love". T_T Hope the one we love have the same thoughts. Maybe Life is really unfair. T_T Go back, for me what is the sense of having a good Job then work abroad if the one your really love will leave you because of your choice. You should also let him know that you choose him. maybe he was just trying or testing you what is more important to you. Then, give him some time to think again. if he still insist you that choosing between you and your career. Its already your decision. What is more important to you.
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
lol! Yes rhejans, indeed sometimes we can do things we're not expecting that we can do for the one we love. Maybe you're right that when we're in love we can be as stupid as we can, to extent that we cannot imagine the act we've done. I respect your ideas rhejans and thank you for sharing it with me.=)
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
I have no experience in this, but the way I see it, it's hard to have a long distance relationship. Personally, I want to always see and hold my boyfriend, be with him all the time, things like that. But then, career is also important to me, and I love freedom as well, and I don't want anyone to hold me back from following my dreams. But is that really your dream? I mean, you can always look for a job here so you can still have your boyfriend. It all boils down to which is more important to you, love or career? For me, love always wins, but with a guy like that who doesn't even trust you, it's not worth it. The best option is: work abroad together. This is a hard one.
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Alternative jobs will do. You know what you make me smile while reading your insights. It's kindah "kikkay". hehehe. Anyways thank you for some advice. Am glad you leave one and you make me smile. =)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
If you say he is a seamn then he knows what he is talking about when he said "you might seek comfort from others". long distance relationship always end up with that BUT then if you were able to let him work as a seaman then he should give you the same trust you gave him. Even so, if you would both work the chance that the relationship would experience difficulties is very high. I suggest that you follow your dreams. Don't sacrifice your career for someone that you are not sure if is going to be there for the rest of your life. :)
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Thank you for responding to my question. It helps a lot and you give me some idea how to solve my problem . Thank you. =)
2 people like this
@wzm1022 (43)
• China
4 Jun 11
I think the answer has been in your mind ,if you love your boyfriend and you can give everying for him then you will choose stay ,if you think the job more important you go out. but Ithink your boyfriend also wrong if he really love you ,he should treasure your decision ,and have you so good girlfriend proud,
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Words of thanks for your advice wzm1022.. ^_^ God bless
2 people like this
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Never sacrifice your dreams for anyone...if he was worthy, he'll support you... And speaking from experience since I had a seaman boyfriend whom I had a tenuous relationship with for 3 yrs. They only get like that because they're afraid that what they're doing to us will haunt them...
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
lol! I really love what you said. I found someone who can back me up! =) Karma will do it's thing for us . (laugh laugh laugh).
2 people like this
@rosie14 (80)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Thats so sad to hear, in the first place what's your purpose to work abroad? Is it for your future? Guys has the tendency to be doubtful, I don't want to judge your boyfriend but how comes he thinks about you cheating on him? Does he really trust you? Trust is very important in a relationship. Its hard to choose between two things. If you boyfriend will break up with you because you chose your career than him, meaning...(for me, don't get me wrong) he doesn't want you to grow and selfish. Its hard to let go someone you love but its your call my friend. But if I were you, I let go of him, painful and hard it maybe, I have my dreams and I will never let anyone take that away from me, even if I love the person so much. Anyways there is always someone who really love you and will trust all your decision and support your dreams, anyway his included in it anyway.
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Yeah it is really hard to make decisions out of this situation. You must consider everything. You must weigh every single details concerning this scenario. You must know the pros and cons of your actions. And you must sacrifices something to have another thing. Can't i have it both? If only he will support me, things will seem right and perfect. But reality speak "it's not". How i wish and hope i could persuade him and change his mind. I am not going to other country just for my self but for us. Mmmmmmmmmmm I think what contributes to his paranoia was during his younger age he was kindah playboy. ^_^ I think he was just afraid of "karma" thing.
2 people like this
4 Jun 11
Hi,This is a hard question,I don't know how to give you an acceptable advice.I share your dream,it is very bitter to give up the dream.I also understant your boyfriend's worries,after all the loving in different places is hard.Did he know your dream?Have you ever tried hard to persuvade him to let you realize your dream? I think that you two should reach an agreement,do not sacrifice any of you.have a nice day!
2 people like this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
A word of thanks to you arsenalliang ^_^ for sharing your thoughts with me.
2 people like this
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
First of all, everyone's different. Even if most long distance relationship end up with break up, it doesn't mean that your will. But you should also accept that as a possibility. I had a boyfriend before. We dated for 3 years. He was my first love and I can't even imagine falling for someone else. It was an impossibility for me at that time but then I end up falling for someone else anyway. What i'm saying is you can't blame your boyfriend for being paranoid. He is just afraid of losing you. It's a sign of love and you should be happy about that. However, it's unfair of him to ask you to choose between him and your career. If he truly loves you, he should also try to understand you and support you. Well it also depends on how long you'll be out of the country.
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Hi thanks for the response it helps a lot. Anyways I can't imagine my self with other guy to and like your ex-boyfriend my current boyfriend was also my first boyfriend. I can barely relate on what you're saying. And am afraid of losing him too. In a way I was happy knowing that he doesn't want to lose me as well because he loves me and that makes him paranoid. Isn't that naive to made me choose between him and my career? Even though I understand him I just can't help myself asking "why?". Do I need to do exert extra extra extra effort for him to understand me and allow me to do what i want to do?
2 people like this
@makatas (1103)
• Greece
4 Jun 11
I think this time I will just reply with a very short and plain answer: If your boyfriend was worthy of you, you wouldn't be posting, or even thinking to go abroad. :)
@cream97 (29178)
• United States
4 Jun 11
Hi. griecy07. Let me school your boyfriend on some things here. You should sacrifice him to pursue your career. Why? I will tell you so. If your career and education is very important to you then you should go for your dreams. Don't let your boyfriend undermine your decision just because it is based on what his co-workers feel and think. He is not your co-workers and you sure are not like the other females out there that will seek comfort in other guys while you are working as a clinic nurse. You should pursue your desires and if any man, I mean ANY MAN really loves you, he will not stand in the way of your dream, just because of what his coworkers feeds into his brain! If your boyfriend really love you, he would let you have a life for yourself. He can't pin you down by hoping that you will stay here with him so that he can see you every time that he comes home from work. I understand that he wants to see you, but he is acting too clingy and that in my opinion is a complete turn off! Your boyfriend should learn these four words since he can believe what his co workers are telling him: Trust, jealousy, demanding and controlling!
1 person likes this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Thank you for the opinion cream97. You boost my self-esteem. Really your words help me a lot to come up with a solutions pertaining to my problem. Now i am confident enough to stand for my right because of your comment as like the other myloters. You guys are big help to me. Thank you for sympathizing with me. =)
2 people like this
• Mexico
4 Jun 11
hi cream, i usually dont jump in the middle of discussions but today i would like to understand myself about what love means, or jealouusy means also, many call us unsecure, im jealous, not so much but i think when we love someone is to be together, to enjoy life together, to dream together, have babies,have a real family,dreams,jobs, i mean share everythin, i thnk is not controlling anyone is just sharing the hole life in one, this is what you say, no matter what everyone most follow own dream, what for, to enjoy them alone? to achive somethin with someone else that maybe i dont love?, just see around you how many couples are happy living far away from each other working abroad, but many of them have "other person" on their side to make them happy,
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29178)
• United States
5 Jun 11
Hi. griecy07. You are very welcome! Do what is in your heart, only you have to make this decision for your own self. No one else has to walk this road but you! Have a blessed day and take care of yourself!
• Canada
4 Jun 11
I understand there is a cultural difference between where you live and where I do but I will give my response based on how I would feel personally, if that's all right :) He is your boyfriend and not your husband. If you were married, this would be a decision you would have to make together as a couple. However, your boyfriend doesn't have the right to "allow" you or "disallow" you when it comes to any decisions you have to make. The decision is yours. He is welcome to participate in a discussion about it or to offer his opinion but ultimately YOU make the choice that is right for you. He clearly doesn't trust you to be away from him in a long-distance relationship. It's normal to be fearful of such changes in any relationship but, ultimately, he is being extremely selfish, especially by giving you an ultimatum ("me or the job"). He wants you around to meet HIS needs in HIS way, when HE wants. That's not right. A relationship is a partnership and your needs must be met too. If this is a career that you are working hard to have (being a nurse) and you feel this is the right opportunity for you work-wise, take the job.
1 person likes this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
4 Jun 11
Thank you for the advice thinkinggoutloud, you gave me one of the best advice regarding my problem. You have a point he was just my boyfriend and not yet my husband. And I am in authority in my own life, not my boyfriend neither my parents. Thank you for waking up my sleeping mind. I was just used on depending with other person when it comes to my life. I think its time for me to pursue my own decision and grow as a person. Time to go out of my comfort zone and live my own life in my own way. I have to fight for my dreams and let my boyfriend understand, trust and support me in my decisions. If he's not willing to do it so, then maybe it's time for us to have some space. For the mean time we'll do our things independently. I did a lot of thing for him, now is my time to be considered.
2 people like this
• Canada
4 Jun 11
Good for you, griecy07! I think it's very wise of you to mention moving out of your comfort zone. Many of us don't do that often enough! It would be a terrible shame for you to give up on your career aspirations because of one man. You are right that, if your boyfriend is the man you are destined to spend your life with, he must show you respect, trust and support. He should boost your confidence and self-esteem, challenging you and encouraging you to reach your full potential. He should not hold you back or cling to you like a possession that he can control. I wish you so much luck in making your choice about the nursing position. I hope you will continue to share with us what you decide and how you are doing with it - and also how your relationship fares, based on your decisions!
1 person likes this
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Thank you for your words thinkingoutloud. You cheer me up. I'm blesses for having you guys to talk with. I'll just hope and pray everything will be ok soon.
1 person likes this
• Mexico
4 Jun 11
lets see, griecy07, lets say that everything you say here is truth, what can make you think everyone else think the same way as you do, maybe you are faithful, but we as man think diferent and because we have exeperiences just like this, who know girls more than a man? is not because we point them out like bad girls, is because we are humans, and as far as i know flesh is flesh, and no matter how much in love you are, let me tell you that even you can fail, dont take so serious but i know mani stories and i know how this one migh end.
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Hi mr investor211. Thank you for sharing some masculine ideas in here. Well for me boys are more aggressive than girls. I believe girls are more likely can control/ manage their feelings or when temptations comes they think fist a thousand times before acting out, unlike guys physiologically speaking are easy to temp with and easily gives up. Girls are naturally loyal with their partners except for some but majority are. We can't take doing something bad against our partners. That's how we love and no flesh can easily destroy our loyalty. And for me being tempted is your choice.
• Mexico
7 Jun 11
i know girls are more loyal, thats for sure, but life has teach me many things, we dont even know ourselves, what we are capable of, all advices here are all right, everyone of us can say anything to you, but you are the one who will decide it after all, lets pretend that im your boyfriend, i will not aree that you go abroad, that is like ending our relationship, or how are we going to see each other, when?,and how?, i might not be able to follow you, you migh call me selfish or jealous, or i dont love you, my question will be do you really love me? or you love more rou carrier? oops i thnk is hard to decided it.
@macayadann (1235)
• Philippines
6 Jun 11
You studied hard to reach your dream of becoming a nurse and now you are in it. Give yourself time to feel and see how it is to be a careered woman. You chose it and aspired for it only to end up wasted. While you are not yet tied to your boyfriend get yourself involve in being a nurse first so that by the time you get married you will not look back to have regrets in your decision of choosing your boyfriend instead. You see you must settle your dream first because marriage is the last phase in your life and so do not hurry yourself instead weigh everything because it is hard to accept when you fail in your decision,however failure is a part of fate and we do learn from it only sometimes it hurts.
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
I like what you said macayadann. You reminds me of my hardships at school way back college years. And you're right it is not that easy to be a registered nurse. You remind me of what am i supposed to be and my passion in life. Thank you for that. ^_^
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Marriage is not easy to handle and it is harder to tackle than what you have encountered in your studies and work, and parenting is so much a harder task to bear. Please believe me, enjoy while you are still young,strong and full of life. If he loves you he should understand the freedom you are enjoying right now being a single lady and he is possessive if not, the more if he is a jealous type.
• United States
5 Jun 11
If this is your dream then break up with him. Your true " perfect" match will support your dreams , not make you choose between your life's work and him! I put quotes around perfect because no one is perfect but there are perfect matches. If you let him make you give this up what will he want you to give up next? and if the real reason is because he is afraid you may cheat, that isn't love , it is being possessive.If he Truly trusted you , then it wouldn't matter where you work or with whom!I wish he could just support this move but if he isn't going to, move on.I wish you luck.
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Thank you sarahruthbeth22 for wishing me luck. ^_^ And thank you for your advice.God bless =)
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jun 11
Let us know how it goes.
@CTHanum (8255)
• Malaysia
5 Jun 11
Hi Griecy~ How about you? Do you feel that it is worth to leave your job and stay with your boyfriend? This is a question you need to ask to your own self. No one can answer that for you. Yes, there is pros and cons accepting the job or not. You know yourself better. If you stay with him, how will your life could be? What about your future? Is it a life that you want that will guarantee your life in the future? If you accepting that job, what would happen to your life? Do you still can carry on without your boyfriend? or you can prove to him that you are fine and still love him even if you are far away from him? All this things you should ask to yourself and answer it sincerely. Love is not everything. We can find love if we lose one. Same goes to job. We could fine others if we lose it. There is also other way too- Try to find and look for another job. But analyse first if the job you have now is worth or not with jobs that you will find later.
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Hi CThanum you gave me a lot words to ponder but I am really thankful for that. In some way you helped me analyze the situations you've given that might happen to me as well. I'm glad that you've shared those thoughts with me. Thank you and God bless. ^_^
1 person likes this
@CTHanum (8255)
• Malaysia
7 Jun 11
You are welcome. If you still feel confused you may asked someone close to you and tell them about your problem and perhaps they may share their point of views. They are there for you so it might be easier for you to gt views from different side from different people. But first analyze those before you decide to seek for their assistant.
@besthope44 (12146)
• India
5 Jun 11
Hi griecy, These situations rises up in life and the solution is who comes in priority. Say tommorrow after your marriage, you have kid of 1 year old and you have option to go. What will you decide? Dreams and goals are important for life, but I would say loved one feelings is more valuable as well. You can fulfil your dreams, earn money, come up in life, but loved ones we cannot get them back with any success. If he really loves you and wants to see you all time - if this a real reason, they why not accepting it. You are pursue your career at same place and reach heights! Cheers!
@besthope44 (12146)
• India
5 Jun 11
You *can pursue your career at same place and reach heights! - Typos as i became emotional typing it for you. Have a nice day friend!
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Oh, my apology if i made you emotional while writing your response to my concern. I just pray and hope that everything will be fine soon. That all will fall to what i want to happen. Hope God will grant this for me.
• United States
5 Jun 11
He sounds like a controlling guy. Trust is the key factor in any relationship. If he won't or can't trust you then it's time to move on. I say follow your dreams. If the relationship don't work out then your going to regret not taking the job.
@alottodo (3063)
• Australia
5 Jun 11
I agree! it looks like he want a safe port to come to but her feelings have not consideration what so ever!
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Short but with sense reactions. Thank you guys for responding to my concern. =) God bless
@itsalwin (13)
• Philippines
5 Jun 11
hmmm... interesting situation you got here. but isn't that what's happening now? i mean, you're not always there with him because your boyfriend is a seaman. first, you have to know what you really want in your life at this point. if love is more important to you than your career, then stay for your boyfriend. but if you really want your career, why not talk to him about it? your boyfriend should try to understand that as a person, you have your goals in life. if i were him, i'd allow you to take that clinic nurse job in another country. then maybe i can look into the possibilities of meeting in that country if it's at all possible. or maybe we can both take a vacation somewhere else accessible for both of us. that would mean going on a vacation. if he refuse, then i think you should really consider if he's the right person for you. i mean, as early as now, he should learn how to give you freedom to explore your own interest and not just what he wants. seriously think about it. what if you're already married with him? will he allow you to take your interest as well? weigh things well and consider the consequences of whatever decision you take. if you're happy with the possible result of whatever decision you're taking, then that is the decision that you should take. no regrets! :)
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Thank you for sharing with me your ideas mr. itsalwin. You've made me think about what you said earlier. The reality that his controlling me now as a girlfriend, what else if I am already his wife? To what extent does the manipulations will go?
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
whoa! have you talked to your boyfriend about this? if not, it would not be fair to assume that he's controlling or manipulating you. he might be coming from a different perspective, although it could be a selfish one. but that's what we are as human beings, we're selfish. talk to him. lay down the cards at the table. discuss your dreams and aspirations with or without him. let him understand why you want to pursue that job even if it means being away from him. as early as now, establish transparency and communication in your relationship. good luck! :)
• Philippines
6 Jun 11
Hi griecy07 :) choosing between your bf and your career is really complicated but if I'm in your situation I'll choose not to hurt my bf because for me you can still pursue you career here in our country where it's badly needed.. your bf really love you that's why his really worried.. I suggest you should think about the future, think about growing old and think about the people important to you.. I really love this quotes : "Sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the one you love, is by far, the truest type of love." Note: "Regrets are felt when it's just too late" I hope and pray that you can overcome your problem :)
@griecy07 (103)
• Philippines
7 Jun 11
Thank you for your advice simplywilma. I can say you gave me the beauty of the exactly opposite side of others suggestion. It's more on hanging on a relationship and doing everything for the one you love. I must also consider your suggestion. =) God bless .