If You Were In My Place.

Philippines
April 22, 2012 3:50am CST
I met a girl during my first year at college. She instantly became one of my close friends, and eventually, my best friend. We were together through thick and thin. Then I got a boyfriend. All the time, she was being really close to him but I didn't mind because she was my friend. Time passed by, me and my boyfriend encountered some problems and eventually, we broke up. Guess who comforted him? It was my friend. I was surprised about it and a bit mad as well. I guess my assumptions before were true. To cut the story short, they ended up together and now they have their own baby. I've already moved on from my ex-boyfriend. What's bothering me is that my ex-best friend (that's how I call her) is trying to contact me through Facebook and it feels kind of weird and not right. If you were in my place, what would you do? Would you forget about it, move on and rekindle the lost friendship?
4 people like this
30 responses
@mobhomeir (7565)
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Hello shekinahmia good morning. In your case it is really hard on your part thinking it was who were at odd with your best friend. Well, you never quarreled verbally right? Past is past and you already moved on. If I were you, yes I accept her again unconditionally. Who know as we go along with your friendship again you know the real story how did it happen? Why your former boyfriend unexpectedly rerouted to her? Accept the fact the it was not your destiny that you and your former boyfriend would not really meant for each other. That's it. Anyway, anyhow nothing will be lost from you if you're going to do that but instead you will be appreciated with every one of your friends. Good luck my friend. Mobhomeir here 042312 0839
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Hello to you too, mobhomeir. Thank you for such a response. Good thing is, we didn't quarrel verbally and I have no plans in doing such a shameful act. But if we were to become friends again, I wouldn't ask her about the real story. It would just open the old issue. It's like opening an old wound. I'm okay now and I have moved on. Probably my ex-boyfriend was not really meant for me in the first place.
1 person likes this
@mobhomeir (7565)
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
Yeah..that's what I supposed to mean..a positive approach of looking situation between an old friend...nice day ahead... Mobhomeir here 042412 1300
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I understand that though you mentioned that you already moved on, still the hurt feeling shows. Somehow it shows with the way you reacted with the situation. I must know since I've been into this familiar situation once and I also felt and reacted exactly the same way. Although the different thing is, they didn't have a baby. They're still together until now and they're not married yet. What I did during that time was, I gave myself enough time to rekindle the friendship that was lost. It even took me 2-3 years to accept what has happened and another year to move on. So it was a total of 4 years straight. After 4 years, they made friends with me again. Tried to contact me and so on and so forth. Actually, I didn't gave them a reply right away. It took me a week to decide if I was really ready. I had to make myself ready with what's ahead of me if I'll decide to rekindle the friendship. I also considered the happy moments that I had with both of them. After a week, I decided that I should be the one who'll contact them. Fortunately, everything is now back to normal. I was already able to accept things and forgive myself, both of them and the situation. I thought about sharing this to you so it'll be a big help on your part. Good luck on this and God bless! ^^
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It's almost similar as mine. I just wonder when I'll be able to do that too, to become friends with them once again.
• Philippines
30 Apr 12
I understand. I guess time will tell you when you are most likely ready to face them once again for the sake of friendship. Never force yourself when you know that you are still not ready. Trust me, you'll be aware when this will happen. And when you do, you'll be the one who'd want to contact them this time, I guess. Best of luck! ;)
@allknowing (69477)
• India
22 Apr 12
You encountered some problems with your BF probably because of your friend and it eventually turned out to be true. In the interest of both you and your ex friend it would not be wise to get back. You have moved on and that is the best decision that you have taken.
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Thank you. Yeah I guess it's the best decision that I have taken, moving on. If I don't do it, I'll be stuck and get hurt in the end.
@allknowing (69477)
• India
23 Apr 12
Time is the best healer and as long as you don't mess up with your past things will fall in place faster than you realise.
@derek_a (10902)
23 Apr 12
I guess we all look at life differently and your ex best friend sees nothing wrong in reestablishing the friendship. The way I am is that I could view it as your friend and boyfriend got together after you broke up with him so I would not see a problem with that. Another person would see it differently even though they had broken up with the boyfriend. I had a good friend once who was going out with my girfriend's sister who broke up with him. The sisters were very much alike in looks, and he seemed to grow very cool and distant with me, almost as if he expected me to break up with my girlfriend for what her sister had done to him. Obviously I was still seeing and speaking to his ex, when I went to pick up my girlfriend at his house. My friend and I had been friends since childhood and when we had met the two girls the four of us had always gone out together. Although I eventually split up with my girlfriend - it sort of just fizzled out - we never got our friendship back as it was. I have told my story here to demonstrate that every situation is different, but more importantly, every human being can be different. What usually attracts friends together, is not that they are the same, but that they are different in many ways. If two friends have the same ethics and feelings, then there's not going to be a lot of energy in that relationship. As a Zen practitioner, I have discovered that if I accept and focus on anything, I will get to transcend any problems I have with it. Everything that comes to me in life is (I believe) offering something to learn about myself and my relationship with the world. _Derek
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Yeah, I agree. We have different perspectives in life. Even in this discussion, mylotters have displayed different answers, have given their different views and opinion. We all are entitled to it. Thank you for sharing your Zen beliefs. This is the first time I've heard of it.
@hgwyneth (120)
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Hi Shekinahmia, If you're not comfortable rekindling the friendship yet, don't force yourself. Give yourself enough time. My story is similar. My bestfriend got pregnant by my exbf. That time, my ex & I have no closure yet. I was just giving him the space he wanted so he can mingle with different girls assuring me that we'll be together at the end. I wasn't expecting that my bestfriend would be one of those girls and the worst, she got pregnant. I put distance from them. Unfortunately, my ex didn't marry my bestfriend. She raised the child on her own with her new husband. After 4 years, my ex called me up and asked for forgiveness saying he was regretful for what he did to me but too late, I'm married already. I forgave him though but we haven't talked yet face to face. I'm actually wondering what will happen if we see each other again hahaha. Bout my bestfriend, I totally forget what happened between us. I am ready to meet her again. I already reunited with her family. I am excited to see her again. It's 8 years already. Time heals. I guess, with you, it hasn't totally heal yet. Time will come that you'll be comfortable to see both of them without ill feelings. Just wait for it to happen. By the way, the lesson I've learned, God will give you the man you asked from him. I am actually grateful they cheated me. Why? My husband is a better man. My ex he's still cheating on his wife. It's in his blood and he'll never change I presume.
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
That's a very similar story. Maybe I need some time to heal. I have moved on but I still feel uncomfortable, even with just talking to her on Facebook. I agree with you, only time can tell what will exactly happen. Thank you, hgwyneth, for such wonderful words.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
23 Apr 12
I know it probably hurt you to find your best friend comforting your ex-boyfriend. I would have been upset and felt betrayed if it happened to me. But I also know that once I had moved on, I would be able to forget. Unless I fell out with my boyfriend due to my best friend, I would be able to forgive her and understand the situation. If I've truly moved on, I would forgive and rekindle the lost friendship...unless I didn't want to meet my ex-boyfriend again. If that is the case, I would send a message to my ex-best friend stating that I have forgiven and there are no hard feelings but I would feel uncomfortable with meeting up with the ex-boyfriend and with her being his partner..that can't be avoided. So, I can't rekindle the lost friendship.
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Hello, sviswan! Thank you for your opinion on this. Aside from being hurt, I also felt annoyed knowing that she comforted my ex-best friend. Any girl would know her intention why'd she do that, and, I think, any guy would fall for it. It was his weakest moment, after all. But well, things happen and we have to move on.
@jazel_juan (15767)
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
That is weird i admit, but you said you moved on, maybe it is time to forgive and forget. Have you read the books by Emily Giffin, something borrowed and something blue? your story is similar to theirs.. if you have that goodness in you, forgive and talk to her..she might need someone right now.
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Thank you for such kind words, jazel. No, I haven't read the books you've mentioned. Maybe I'll try reading it one of these days. Once again, thank you.
• United States
23 Apr 12
I am sorry this is not something I could ever forgive after being so close with her. she was like your right hand and she took something precious from you. real friends don't cross those lines. I am sorry but your better off without her..
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Yes, I am. Actually, my life has been better now that she's gone. I'm doing really fine. Thank you, giftsandbagscom.
@ryanong (9694)
• Vietnam
23 Apr 12
I can understand your feeling now. If i was you, i wont accept that ex-best friend as friend in facebook list, and ignore all information related with her and the ex-boyfriend. I rather make a new friend than continuing be friend with that woman. just I don't want to see both of them anymore. I cant become friends with ex-boyfriend, so that i never contact with ex-boyfriends also.
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Thank you for your opinion, ryanong. I have done that before. I even deleted them both on Facebook when I noticed something between the two of them. I was so bitter at that time. But right now, I have moved on. I'm hoping I can manage things now. Thank you.
@shylade (3137)
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
if you truly moved on then you should not have any issues with them anymore. and i think you can communicate with her again and maybe you will know what really happened. i know even you are telling us that you already moved on, there is still a part of you that is not or still longed for an answer (of why they end up). but this time, you need to have a boundary so she will do it again.
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
I don't have any particular issues with them anymore. But I think I can't get myself to know what really happened. There is still the curious part of me to answer some of my questions but I try not to ask them. I feel if I ever do it, I'll be opening up an old wound.
@Archaiwy (599)
• China
23 Apr 12
Hi .I also encountered yous situation in college. That was a fellow-schoolmate of mine in high school.She was in grade two while i one.In her dormitory, one of her roomate's boyfriend often come to see her roomates, At the beginning they got along well. But after a while , they had quarrels so my fellow-schoolmate and others in the dormitory comforted both of them. And when the two broke up at last, my fellow-schoolmate should become the girl friend of the boy.we were so surprised.
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
Now that's very similar with my situation. How did your schoolmate handle it? I hope she has already moved on like me.
@prince05 (92)
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Did you broke up with your ex-bf because of her? As long as you broke up not being her the reason, then why not be-friend her again? We'll if you really ask me with that kind of situation i'll think twice since for sure if you will be friends again and maybe typically bestfriends again, one day you'll find out you two will be sharing the same guy. And that time it could be worst. Take time to think about it.
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
No, she was not the reason why me and ex-boyfriend broke up. It was something else. And yeah, I'm thinking really carefully whether I'll be reconnecting with her as friends. Thank you for such a response.
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
If I were in your place maybe I will show some sort of a little respect just a bit of attention maybe merely because she was once a friend of yours and was even your best friend right ,maybe though for her to be contented that at least you will be speaking to her already and to hear her out as well so that with this you can actually know what are her intentions again and to put an end with the story right then and then because it would be a burden on your part of not ever trying maybe of hearing her out and for you also to be unloaded with such kind of weird feeling as what you are describing it.It is nice to hear that you have move on from a relationship with your previous boyfriend for whom you are telling that he is already her husband what a great courage on your part.All I can say after having such conversation is to put things behind , let go of everything and concentrate with your present life.
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Well, I did talk to her. If I don't, she'll interpret it as something bad. She didn't explain her part though; she just contacted me out of the blue. And thank you for such warm words. I've already moved on, and trying to put things behind, and concentrating on my present life. I am more than happy now than what I was before.
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
That hurts. But as what you've said, you have moved on from your feelings for your ex. You may consider your ex-best friend as part of a dark moment in your life but that was the past. It seems to me that you still have that angst against your ex friend. The decision still depends on you. I can't really say what you will do because I've never been in your shoes to experience the friendship you had with your friend, but if I were you, I'd stay cold in dealing with her. Even though she didn't head straight to the point in "flirting" with the guy before, but her actions expressed that. I can somehow imagine how that is still hurting you and that you still carry that grudge with you over the years.
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
I'm amazed that you can see right through me. Sad to say, I still have that grudge for her even if it's been years already. Yes, I've been trying to be civil to her as much as possible. It's my way of protecting myself from being hurt again. Thank you for such a response.
@WakeUpKitty (8706)
• Netherlands
22 Apr 12
Go on with your life, don't look backwards and don't add her again or see her as a friend. That time is over. I once had a friend like that, she had a terrible marriage so had I. She told me I should leave with the kids, I did, in the end she dumped me and of course I was the bad one and no need to tell you with whom she end up (although it did not last). This is not friendship at all. I moved on, I don't need friends like that.
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
Yeah, I'm going on with my life. Actually, I was starting to forget about them. My ex-best friend suddenly contacted me on Facebook. It kinda reminded me of what they did. I was hurt but I'm trying to forget about it but I think I'm not going to see her as one of my closest friends, unlike before. Thank you for your response, WakeUpKitty.
@alberello (4755)
• Italy
22 Apr 12
Well, these are matters of the heart, where it is difficult to express their opinion, because even in these respects, everyone sees it a little in his own way. Of course your experience, how you ended definitely put you be embarrassed. Your best friend, was accompanied with your ex. You the only thing you can do is be happy, because this new couple has formed, it seems to me is enjoying the happy moments. You do not have to feel neglected, because even if with your boyfrind, you're left, basically there will also have a reason.
• Philippines
23 Apr 12
I do not really feel neglected. Even if it turned out that way, I still feel blessed that it didn't happen to me. And I think they're happy now, knowing they have their own baby.
@krizzy (237)
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
That's hard..if that was happened to me, I will feel like I was betrayed..that's why you call her you're best friend, she supposed to be the one to support you and comfort you..it's hard to forget what your ex-best friend did to you..well, time heals and you will just know it yourself if you will be friends again with her..
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
Yeah I know. I really felt betrayed at that time. And to think she was my best friend. I never thought she could do that to me.
@MoonGypsy (4613)
• United States
22 Apr 12
she wasn't a friend to you in the first place if she could do such a thing to you. does she want to gloat? maybe she wants to keep you close so she can keep an eye on you. after all, remember how she got him. if he could do it to you, he could do it to her. he isn't much of a man. i say talk to her, but don't rekindle a friendship. tell her, you are only being a healthy person by getting closure with her. you forgive her not for her or your friendship, but so that you can heal. let her know that you are happy things turned out the way it did. lol. any guy that would do something like that, you are lucky to have escaped. wish her luck and let her know you just can't be friends. too much water under the bridge. this will send her off thinking. you do have heal and forgive her for real though. this is so that you can heal for real.
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
Thank you for a beautiful response, MoonGypsy. I was also thinking of that too. Maybe she wants to keep an eye on me, which I'm not allowing her. I mean, I don't want her in my life now, even if she wants to rekindle our friendship. I think it's too late. I think I'll go with your advice. Thank you so much.
@jureathome (5363)
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
Well, since you've moved on, as you said. Perhaps, it maybe worth it to hear her out. She must have felt really bad about taking your boyfriend away from you. But, look at the brighter side, you get to keep yourself sane. If you do give her a chance for a conversation, hope for either a rekindling of good old friendship, or at least a peaceful closure of a disturbing past.
• Philippines
22 Apr 12
Thank you. Somehow, I've been able to keep myself sane. I think I'm gonna go with the closure. I'm not sure if I'm ready to rekindle our good old friendship yet.
@adhyz82 (36263)
• Indonesia
7 Sep 12
it is long long story if you didn`t cut it.. How long your ex best friend try to be spy for your relationship with your ex (now become her husband)?? why you are not careful when another woman (even she is your best friend) adore or maybe gives the extra attention to your boyfriend?? Your boyfriend is human too..And i believe he still likes woman too..So when you and him ended up, he gets another woman.. now back to the topic.. i think if you can move on from the hurt story, just replied their hello to you..Say Hello too to them..Is it hard??