Single Dad...help!
@lafredricktaylor (256)
United States
May 23, 2012 12:03pm CST
I have delima right now that is probably not that ordinary. I am a single father of an eleven month old lil girl. when i first got the mother pregnant, she told me she didnt want anymore kids and if she agreed to have it, then i would take care of it myself..well during the pregnancy we became closer and decided to try to have a family..well that didnt work..and when we separated she left the baby with me..now of course, thats wat i asked for, but after we started getting along, i wasnt prepared for that anymore..now its been a couple of weeks and i havent heard from her and she didnt check on the baby or anything..so i took as if she meant the part about giving the child up...well to my surprise on mothers day, she came trying to spend time with the child..now i was a little bothered about that because all this time she was gone, and now you want to pop up. well my mom advised me not to let her see her so she wont be in and out of her life like that..but me being a family man, i felt differently because i wouldnt want her to do that to me..so i have all these people in my ear telling me i need to put her on CS or try to get full custody so i wont be getting the run around if she ever decides to get her act together and be a real parent. But i really want her in her life because i always had my mom..but i cant force a person to take care of their responsibilities..so do i continue to try to get it across to her or jus except the fact i am on my own.
2 people like this
9 responses
@peavey (16936)
• United States
23 May 12
Accept the fact that you're on your own. A mother who will walk away from a baby has no sense of responsibility toward the baby. I would make the custody settlement legal or she could come back in a few years and make real trouble, not to mention heart break for you and your daughter.
We always think things like that won't happen, but it will. Settle it legally and ask for child support. It is her baby and she should take some responsibility whether she wants to or not. Child support may mean that you have to let her see your daughter, but you will be the one who is responsible for her.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (85729)
• United States
23 May 12
I forgot about child support. If she's reluctant to turn over full custody, you could offer her freedom from child support in exchange for full custody. I don't know if you'd get much out of her anyway. Like I said, courts are pretty easy on the mothers. Fair or unfair.
@lafredricktaylor (256)
• United States
23 May 12
peavey she has a job so i would end up getting something. but i wouldnt want to put her on CS anyway because if i walk away and do this on my own, i dont even need a hello from her..i AM the bread winner, it jus i didnt sign up to be a mother and a father! but if the job calls for both position, imma step up to the challenge..
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
23 May 12
Hi there, and welcome to myLot. You came to the right place to open up and get advices from people all over the world.
Anyhow, I'm amazed that you, the guy, is the one who is willing to take the child. In most cases, its the mother who's left with the baby and the father just vanishes. You are right about thinking that she can't just pop in and out of your kid's life. A baby that young really needs a mother to give her basic needs, but it seems like she is not willing to stand up for her responsibilities on the baby. It is important for both of you to sit down and discuss this thoroughly. You need to know what her plans are, and she needs to know how you feel about her actions lately.
If she doesn't intend to be a mother to your child, then its best that she stays away for good. I hope your mother is there to help you take care of your daughter, because you need a lot of support from a real mother, like your mom.
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
23 May 12
Raising a child is never easy, even for happily married couples, so it's going to be even more challenging for single parents like you. But, I gather that you love the baby so much and you really want to be there for her. Your sincere love and affection for the baby will make things lighter for you.
Why don't you stay with your mother or if you really want to be living separately from them, perhaps, somewhere close so that when you need her help for the baby, it'll be easy to reach them.
@lafredricktaylor (256)
• United States
23 May 12
i have my own place, so i dont have to live with anyone. i mean, i have the child in my possession so the issue is that i dont want a part time mom!
@lafredricktaylor (256)
• United States
23 May 12
thanks..well my mom is in her life..its her first grandchild..so you know she is happy to step up. so i have a great support system and the bad part about it is, if i jus walk away and do this myself, it think it will be better off anyway. but i am tired of makin myself look like a fool by giving her the benefit of the doubt that she will one day grow up and be a woman. but like everyone tells me, i cant raise her and the baby at the same time.
@AmbiePam (85729)
• United States
23 May 12
Because courts seem to favor mothers, if I were you I'd go ahead and file for full custody so if she ever comes to her senses she can't decide to just take her away from you. That doesn't mean you can't let her see the child, it just means you have the final say. And I would hate for you to raise this child, and the one day she decides she wants her back, but not you. Man, I hope that didn't sound mean. You sound like a gem to me. Any guy who would want the baby even though they weren't guaranteed the mother of the child, is a good guy to me.
@lafredricktaylor (256)
• United States
23 May 12
and the funny thing about it is, before i met her or had the child, i prayed that i would find someone and become a father because it was people my age that were dying pretty fast..but in the PS of that prayer, i told the Lord that if he blessed me with the child, i really didnt need the woman, because i knew i would be able to do it on my own. i gave myself time to try and learn the does and dont of parenting, but i guess i failed to learn the concept of finding a qualified mother!
1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
25 May 12
Asking for full custody does not necessarily mean that you are cutting your daughter's birth mother out of the picture. However, it can prevent future problems. If you have full custody, you can grant the mother as much or as little access to the child as you choose. If you do not have custody, she could take the child away, and there would be nothing you could do about it. You are correct that you can't force anyone to be a proper parent. I believe that it would give this child more stability , if you had full custody.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
23 May 12
I think you should accept/deal with the fact that you have to raise your child. No matter if she shows up or not I think she still has the right to see her child if she asks for it. How fat this right will go I don't know. I think it also depends on if you both are the legal parents, how long she will stay away in time and you took care of your daughter alone, etc.
I don't think you will do your daughter a favour on long term to keep her mother away from her. But you can count on the fact that sooner or later she will find out herself how or what type her mother is. There is no need for you, or your mother, to explain that.
See what you can do for your daughter to give her a stabil and loving home, that is all that is needed. And the good news is: most of the single mothers/parents never expected to do the job alone. I am one of them and I can tell you if I can manage (I did without help of family or friends) you can manage as well.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
24 May 12
Just take it by the day. It's the best. I think you are not really a single parent since I understand your mother is helping you out. This will make it way easier. If these showing ups do have a bad influence on you or your daughter be straight and tell her. You can also have a period of not showing up and staying away.
Might be a good idea if she finds out what she really wants. Also it might be interesting to know if this all has to do with not being a grown up or for example being insecure, afraid, having a post-natale depression (there are plenty of times you can't even recognize it when it's going on). I think it's not wrong hoping for the best but since there is a little child involved you have to be kind of realistic as well. Go on with your life, time will tell what to do when.
One can only do his best and I think in the end that is what counts most.
@lafredricktaylor (256)
• United States
23 May 12
thanks for the motivation. i know in my heart that i can do it, but for some strange reason, even though i know she is not ready for the task..i want her to be there for the child..but dats jus a want..its not manditory. because life is going to go on..with or without her.
1 person likes this
@dansazz (1058)
• United States
23 May 12
As bad as it sounds It's really her choice. If she doesn't want to be in the kids life there aint much you can do about it. However, stability is very important for a childs development, so give her a choice, be in her life regularly, or not at all. There is no middle ground in this area. It's about what's best for the kid not you, or her. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and stepping up, and I applaud you for that. But as for the mother, either be her mom or not. There is no just showing up when you feel like it.
@lafredricktaylor (256)
• United States
23 May 12
i agree on the showing up when you feel like it..and like i told her, i have never met a woman that would do this to a child no matter is she wanted it in the beginning or not, jus because we didnt make it, the baby didnt do anything to you..but im going to jus do what i have to do and pray about it.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
24 May 12
no we seldom meet a mother who does a thing like that.. we only meet dads who run out and it seems to be normal by now.. already since ages.. it makes me wonder why. Perhaps it's a good thing if a person (man or woman) admits/finds out he/she can't be a great parent. I think if more parents would be that way there would be way less child abuse as well. It can also be a sign of love to stay out and wish your kid a good life.
@sjvg1976 (41131)
• Delhi, India
24 May 12
Hello lafredricktaylor,
Mother has a major role in a kid life but how is going to make understand it when she is not willing to take responsibility of a child.It is better to go to court and complete all the formalities of having full custody of your child so that she may not some in future and claim for the baby.
@littleheart (17)
• China
24 May 12
I feel surprised and sympathy when i hear your story. This is her choice, so as you.In my opinion,a women who abandon her child,would not be a good mother to the child.I don't suggest you give the baby to her mother, what's more ,it's you who insist her to have this baby,so you also have the responsibility to take care of this child. At last,I support you to go to court for child's custody with her mother,all of that is for the child's future!
@RandyPatrick (84)
• United States
24 May 12
You cant make noone take care of their kids, all that bs of putting the other parent on child support wont work getting full custody would benifit you in the long run but that still wontour daughter make her take care of her, but honestly if u are the one caring for her that is someting u need to do and have in black and white because i've been thru a sililar situation...everything u do now u need to have documentation that u are doing it let it build up and when u do go to court u got all your proof...my mom told me the same thing your mom is tellin you, dont be no fool, i did and got burnt ya moms isnt gonna tell u anything wrong.. and u can still be a family man... you just have to do with the family you already have plus one cause u cant make a grown person do nothing they dont wanna do....i had both of my parents growning up and i wanted the same for my child...i tried as hard as i could to keep my family together but everything's not ment to be and this could be a test from the man upstairs to make u a stronger person...remember he wont put no more on u than u can bear...and u can still be a strong single father taken care of the life u help create...your daughter didnt ask to be here..so u do what u gotta do...sorry so long but u hit a sensitive spot...cause good fathers never get the recognition they deserve..
