She said shame, you are not married at 55

@vandana7 (68609)
India
March 18, 2013 3:29pm CST
And I replied, well, that is better than being deserted by husband like you've been. And so that is me...should I have kept quiet? lol It started with her coming to my place telling me that she intends to fight with my papa. Whatever be the differences between me and my papa, I want him alive so no fighting no strokes and whatever. My father is also at fault. He does not consult the society members on issues that concern them, and they have a right to be angry with him. However, out here ..it is considered to be culture to put up with such behavior when a person is elderly, my father being nearly 80. So given that I get the instructions from almost everybody. 14 flats, 14 different days, its almost like instructions twice a month from every flat owner/tenant to talk to papa. Nobody dares his foul temper. But I have to brave it. The other day she got under my skin when she said your papa should tell me. ITS AN HONORARY JOB...DAD GETS NO PAY FOR IT. I reacted, you cant even bring up two children, having made one of them a drunkard, and you are trying to tell the whole world how it should behave. And so she said shame, you are not married at 55 (I am 53 actually). And I happily added what I typed above. Those are indeed facts. The other day she claimed to be a widow, today in front of papa she claimed that her husband is alive. And a few years ago, she told me her husband had left her. I really dont know how to tackle this woman. Yeah she is the same one who beats up her driver almost every second day.
7 people like this
16 responses
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
19 Mar 13
Vandana! Throw a stone in slash and who will it soil? I suggest you ask your father not take up such jobs; if you can you do it take it up; otherwise please tell other flatmates[whom you can get along with] that you are not interested or unable due to various reasons. Why do you get into potentially infuriating situations?
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
19 Mar 13
The moral of the story is 'Keep away from foul people'; they will drag you down and make you talk and bring you to their level.Boycott her silently and see how it turns out.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Ah Kala my father loves taking up such things creating a foul environment everywhere he reaches with his ego, and I bear the brunt...I am so tired of it all. He NEVER LISTENS..many of those battles could have been avoided...and he was always offered right advise at right time, but his ego prevents him from accepting such suggestions.
2 people like this
• Canada
19 Mar 13
Hey, dear friends. Seems to me, vandy, has been put in a Diplomat's role...peace-maker is NOT an easy road to walk..full of ruts, potholes and detours...AND snakes. There is a "hold-over stigma", it seems in all cultures, relating to un-married women..and in some cultures the terms are derogatory. Thanks to a world-wide Women's movement, we are making a bit of headway...proving that we can stand on our own two=feet, and don't NEED TO lean on a man for finance, NOR STATUS reasons,BUT we should have never had to prove our worth! Do NOT let this woman wrankle you, Vandy! Accept the ignorance from the source..and not lower yourself to bantering on her level. When she sees that you have returned her venom, with a smile (smug)...she will learn she can't push your buttons. Just know, that how contankerous you Father may be, you are blessed at having him in your world...I lost mine, when he was young..and I would give anything, just to hear his voice again...or even a discerning word. I have always admired...the brilliance of both of you ladies, since meeting you here...and believe YOU are above this...
1 person likes this
@lampar (7597)
• United States
19 Mar 13
It is just weird why would any normal person will consider not married at 55 is a "shame" to the family. An unmarried woman or man choose to stay single is strictly personal choice out of circumstances surrounding him /her, it can be several reason a person want to remain unmarried at whatever age or even remain so the whole life, there is nothing 'shameful' about it at all. An old single person is not committing any terrible and hideous thing on other people, it is just the life style she choose to live, there is nothing in it one should feel shame about it.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Yes...I am actually quite comfortable about my status. :)
@lampar (7597)
• United States
19 Mar 13
That is good enough for me if you are feeling comfortable regardless of what she said.
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
19 Mar 13
Rough woman. I wouldn't know what to believe, either. Not the type of person I'd want for a friend.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Oh we had some differences a few years ago, and at that point of time, I had specifically told her to stay out of our home. So she used daddy route to re-enter. Now, even dad has wisened up, but we are not able to get rid of this menace..:(
• United States
18 Mar 13
You gave her as good as she gave. Good on you Vandy! How dare she talk to you, a grown woman, like that! I'm glad you gave her back some of what she deserved. Your dad is really up in age and doesn't need her stressing him out. Have a good morning/ evening Vandy. I guess it's tomorrow for you. It's suppertime here.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Honestly, it felt good to give her back in her coin. lol
@Raine38 (9193)
• United States
18 Mar 13
Well, that lady was seriously asking for it, she had it coming for her definitely. I think it is about time somebody put her in her place like that. Of course as much as possible we should turn the other cheek and be respectful of others especially if they are older than us. But I think there comes a point that no amount of age can automatically earn someone respect.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Trust me I must have turned the other cheek at least 6 times before succumbing to my nasty temper bout. :) As to age, if she cant be respectful to a man who is almost 18 years her senior, then she cant expect respect from for her as she is just 7 years older than me, right?
@thesids (22357)
• Bhubaneswar, India
19 Mar 13
wow... no wonder she is a deprived soul and has more frustrations than many I know.... and that also clarifies to an extent the fate of the poor driver...! Now coming back to discussion... actually I am lost and confused with what you actually want to discuss. So I try out my way.... Pa should continue the work as I am sure that work keeps him occupied and I have felt that people who do almost nothing are more prone to ailments. So anything good for him works fine. And yes, it is a painful job instead I should say a thankless kind of job and even without any package... but still, he should continue with that. For the lady... she is frustrated soul who cannot see others leading a contended life... and so she would keep poking in every now and then... And also the fact that she is some influential lady... I guess you did the right thing no doubt, but I do hope all of that doesn't make it complicated.
• Canada
19 Mar 13
SAGE advice from a WISE brother! Today, there should be NO stigma in waltzing thru this life, as a single entity, bro! Even in our culture, we are castrasized for NOT being married, or being divorced. The chagrin is placed on the woman...WHAT is wrong with her? I believe SHE should be praised for her stealthiness and wisdom in life's management, she does not need a leaning post. Because we carry that old stigma, it is a way of casting pain..and attempting to demoralize. SAD...an old weapon, that should be retired..marital status, that is! So thrilled to see you here, my Bro!
1 person likes this
@thesids (22357)
• Bhubaneswar, India
19 Mar 13
Dear Sis I love Vandy's discussions - they are so very realistic and also, she is one on my list who will understand my viewpoint and not torture me (like a few others) Marriage is a very personal matter and I think it is no one else's business if I was married or not and if married to whom and why! but here, in Indian culture, many still believe that marriage completes a man or even a woman and I am always at a loss in understanding the logic. Some of our great people - were and are bachelors and they are doing good - like - to make a mention - our former Prime Minister - Shree Atal Bihari Vajpayee and even the chief minister of Odisha - Mr. Nabeen Patnaik - and it is not only in Politics, but also in many other fields that one finds Bachelors doing much better.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
hi thesids... You continue to flatter me and my ego just becomes larger and larger..lol Coming to the discussion...dad working, yeah...but not where he is not able to deliver. I think we should only take up those things that we can do justice to. Some protocols exist everywhere. Therefore, in an informal unregistered society such as ours, dad should be communicating ...in a friendly way...what he is doing or intends to do. Dad has this strange behavior...everytime others ask him to do something...he feels he is being treated like an employee. If left alone, he wont do the work for several months. Others should not be inconvenienced, isn't it? And there are several other ways to keep oneself occupied. There are several chores within our home that we have not completed so far...and its 8 years! Dad does it for praise, and a position in the society, which unfortunately he loses on because of his attitude. Second thing, I am now on war footing. Enough is enough...hope the message got across to her.
@subhojit10 (7382)
• India
18 Mar 13
Thanks a ton for sharing this discussion. Well i can understand your situation and i think u gave the right answer to that lady, i have always felt that it is always better to allow oneself to take decision regarding tying the knot or not. There should never be any compulsion regarding marriage in one's life. I am glad that u abide by your decisions and values. What say?
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
18 Mar 13
Thanks subhojit... Look at it as a favor to my country and society. I dont add to the hungry and starving population. I dont require government to spend on subsidies for my child's education and health and transport. I dont require government to spend on creating jobs for my kids and many such benefits for choosing to be the way I am. Surely that is worth appreciation..lol
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
18 Mar 13
of course, we also aren't creating new taxpayers for them to gouge and to take care of us in our old age...
2 people like this
• United States
18 Mar 13
It's great that you aren't owned by some man. All too often I read about women being trapped in marriage because they will be destitute on their own. Good for you for sticking to your convictions.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Mar 13
Tell her to mind her own damn business?
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Ironically, that was the first sentence I spoke..lol But the woman does not know English...and I dont know my mother tongue that well..lol
@salonga (27955)
• Philippines
19 Mar 13
Hahaha! I got so entertained with your story. That woman is a character or shall I say a weird character. Your answer to her is a big slap on her face. She should not even tell that to you. It is none of her business if you opt to stay single. She should rather mind her own troublesome life. She seems to be confused of her own life. She does not even know what really happened to her husband or was she just making up stories to hide the truth. And she is beating her driver almost every second day? And why the hell this driver still stays? If I were in his place, I'd report her to the police.
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Yeah...and the other day she beat her driver, and I accidentally opened the door as she was leaving in the lift, I wanted to call my maid who is working in the opposite house. By god, she called me, and told me that it is her business to beat her driver, and that I had no business to look at her the way I did...give me a break, I didnt even notice her. lol He borrowed a hefty sum from her and is virtually a bonded laborer. She is influential, so police may not be the answer, but media would most certainly be. :)
1 person likes this
• India
19 Mar 13
Thanks for sharing. I am sure this woman is cheat and quarrelsome like many others, we have some near our home too.. They have no other work, they will go from home to home and destroy peace; i hate this.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Yes, she can drop in in the mornings and you would end up with a bigger pile of tasks for the next day..lol
@rambansal (575)
• India
19 Mar 13
People have more intense interests in others' affairs rather than than in their own. I am separated from my wife without any legal battle or divorce, people go on advising me on going back to my wife without seeing their own relationships with their respective wives, their daily quarrels, etc. On hearing such an advice, I tell everyone to mind his/her own business. This is too personal for his/her intervention. To remain alone is not a shame but a bravery and courage.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Mr. Bansal, I agree with you. I think we get accustomed to certain lifestyle, and become inflexible in some ways. Even if we were to opt for the society ordained lives, we might not have made the grade. Why be dissatisfied with life, when you can be happier? And marriage is one issue, if you are not sure you want to step in, you should not. We each know our personal natures, and we know whether we are the compromising kind or not, and what we can compromise and what we cant. It would be foolish indeed to go against our grain. :) In any event, I love my "no responsibilities" status. :)
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
18 Mar 13
I am 59 and not married. The roommate is 52 and not married. The OTHER roommate is almost 52 and not married. My sister is 55 and not married. My best friend is 65 and not married. My other good friend is getting ready to turn 60 and isn't married. WHAT is her problem? Far better to be not married and happy than married and miserable!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
18 Mar 13
I agree...and acting that she is married..yuck... well she is married alright, but deserted by husband because of her foul temper. But nobody ever dared to point it out to her. I just lost it when she said it was a shame. lol
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (29044)
• United States
19 Mar 13
People like to judge others to make themselves feel better. You should ignore her comments and don't sink to her level by insulting her back.
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
I am unable to understand this ignore and not sink to her level...that is the point. I mean, there have always been bullies like her. I feel we have only two choices there...bully or be bullied. So if she bullies, and if I dont want to be bullied, I should at least retaliate. So far, everybody has ignored and chosen to steer clear, and that has given her more confidence in her art perhaps. If there is an opposition, she would perhaps stop short of doing such things, right?
• United States
19 Mar 13
No, it shows you're no better than she is. You're giving her opposition and that hasn't stopper her, has it? What you should do is pretend she doesn't bother you. That will make her give up on trying to insult you.
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
20 Mar 13
Pls. let us continue this till I am convinced. Ok? She is a bully. She has been overbearing like this with many people before me. They have ignored her. Has it stopped her? If it has not stopped her, then should we not be trying another tactic to reduce this? I mean ...we had a meeting of members the other day...she did not attend. And everybody had something or the other to complain against her, directly or indirectly. Like gate closing. We have software people returning around 2 am. She wants gates closed by 10.30.pm. Honking in the middle of the night does not feel good. We all have elderly folks sleeping at home. Right? There is no bell in the complex. So they wanted duplicate keys, which are also not being given. So tenants are annoyed with her. Then she does not allow people to use her side of the terrace. Terrace is common area. She goes up and lifts the clothes off clothes lines and throws them down. Nobody is allowed to dry anything on her part of the terrace. Nobody should even walk on her terrace. Is it alright? Nobody should tell watchman anything. Only she has the right to give leave to the watchman, without informing others. Things that irritate others. What irritated me the most was I had specifically surrendered the papers asking the society members that the task be given to others. Instead, it was forced upon us. Now, everytime there is a lapse on dad's part, she hammers me...your father does it like this, your father is like that...blah blah. I have cried several times before because this is a hell I tried to avoid with my wisdom, isn't it? But I have been pushed to an edge...like a cornered cat. I have my chores which have to be completed in a given timeline. I cant possibly be listening to such things for hours on...and be polite about it...nth time...that day I had scheduled my departure by 10 am...had filled the bucket with water for bath...kept my clothes for bath..this woman came and told me, I am going to fight with your father...how many times should I tell her dont tell me about it all? Does it not get into her nut? And it is not as if she didnt know papa was not at home. She'd sent the watchman to my place to confirm whether papa was home or not. And when she'd confirmed that dad is not at home, she came to my place...uninvited, without prior intimation. Yes, I was in stress because that was the last day to hand over some documents. It certainly was irritating...so tell me, if ignoring does not help, then shouldnt we try retaliation?
@hora_fugit (5432)
• India
24 Mar 13
After a long time, I saw a post from you. Mainly my fault as I don't check mails these days... Hmmm there were some things I wanted to ask but reading through the whole of it I have been left with none. Oh why does myLot make us do that? Tell her if she so much wanted to give your dad this responsibility, he has got some rights as well whether she likes it or not. If she can have others uninformed about watchman's leave... If people complain about her in her absence, they should do the same in her presence too. At least in the meetings.
• Portugal
19 Mar 13
Not being married at 55 is not a problem at all. You dont have to be married, as this is a free world. These old customs and habits, like, 'oh you're supposed to get married and have children and do this and do that', that's all of the past. It doesnt make sense anymore to do those kind of things in todays society.
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
20 Mar 13
In fact, I think the world should respect me...after all I have not added another mouth to feed, there is less competition for food, lesser need to provide for old age of my kids, lesser need to provide subsidies for my childrens education, lesser need for housing, lesser number of people with varying opinions, blah blah..lol I am fine with me. :)
@wdwgirl (23)
• United States
19 Mar 13
I disassociate myself from people like that. I don't have time to listen to peoples judgement and comments when I know they are talking out of their behinds. Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. So I spend my life around those who respect me and I respect them in return.
@vandana7 (68609)
• India
19 Mar 13
Hiya...I did dissociate with her. In fact, she didnt get to step into my house for almost 3 years! Then my dear pa decided to play goodie goodie, and against all my wise counsel he brought her in, and today he is paying the price, and making me pay it too. lol