my fiancee does not approve!

@sharone74 (4839)
United States
March 5, 2007 6:43pm CST
My fiancee does not approve of the life that I had before he came along. What get's to me about that is that 1) I don't need his approval especially for the me I was before I ever met him 2) He fails to see the shortcomings in his own life before he came to me 2) he refuses to understand that I will never throw away my past or close the door on it. Why would I? The past is what madwe me the person that I am both when he met and fell in love with me and also right now today. I am my own person and though some of the exploits that I tell him about and other people I know blab about would curl his hair, if he had any, his life was so dull it would have made me commit suicide out of sheer lack of anything more exciting than my death going on!
10 people like this
36 responses
@carlena1 (120)
• United States
6 Mar 07
don't share an exciting past with a dull person- they may judge you PS. Find someone exciting
• United States
6 Mar 07
Well...if your profile photo is you, believe me he'll get used to it rather than lose you...and maybe you should add some flavor to his life and show him some of the excitment he missed out on.
@sharone74 (4839)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I am excited by him and he by me it is just that he has led such a sheltered life that it is difficult to get him to look beyond the narrow confines of his world with anything other than disapproval and suspicion.
@sharone74 (4839)
• United States
8 Mar 07
and yes the photo on my profile is me, and it was taken by him a year before we broke up. We are back together now and trying to make it work.
@Stringbean (1273)
• United States
6 Mar 07
How did the two of you ever get together? It sounds as though you are heading toward divorce before you ever get married. If I were you, I would drop him now before he really gets controlling and tell him why -- that you can't be someone different that who you are, and that he might be better off to find someone who has a past that fits into his little dream. Good luck.
@maddysmommy (16235)
• United States
6 Mar 07
Why is he focussing on the past? he should be focussing on the present and his relationship with you:) You are who you are and if he doesn't like it then "byebye"
@sharone74 (4839)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I was into some "questionable" things when he and I got together I was a stripper and adult entertainer and that is not something that most people accept in a person. I was also a little wild. I don't dance anymore and I have toned down the wild alot.
@fake_you (391)
• Philippines
6 Mar 07
yes, you're right. you don't necessarily need his approval of your past life/ activities. if he really loves you, he'd accept you for who you really are, and what you are.
• United States
6 Mar 07
I agree. You should never regret anything you've done in the past because every event has shaped you in some way. Everything you do helps you grow and change as a person. If he loves you for who you are, he would love you for the things that made you that person.
@ktroth (378)
• United States
6 Mar 07
He sounds judgemental. First, I would refrain from telling him anything else about your past. Second, I would tell him that what's done is done and if he can't get over, he needs to move on without you. However, if it were me and my significant other continually brought up my past and couldn't get over it, I would kick him to the curb!
@sharone74 (4839)
• United States
8 Mar 07
He doesn't constantly bring it up just every once in a while but lot of the things he says to me and the way that he acts sometimes tells me what is on his mind is who I was not who I am and that tends to bug me.
@mlgb_24 (638)
6 Mar 07
if he does not approve of it, i can't see where the respect is. your past is part of you. nobody has a right to condemn or judge other people by what they have been through.
@sharone74 (4839)
• United States
8 Mar 07
He has never known anyone like me. He was a pastor for over 15 years, the same number of years that I was in and out of the adult industry. He has worked in education for over 20 years. I never completed high school. I am now however enrolled in online college courses.
• Philippines
6 Mar 07
When your boyfriend says that he does not approve of what you were before, he is simply trying to tell you that for him, what you have been doing long ago is not becoming of an upright individual. Those acts are the ones that he does not approve of not you. So if you are seriously in love with your boyfriend, do the necessary adjustments if that will really make you a better person. Think about it and feel it for yourself. If you believe that your boyfriend's ideas and values are something that you cannot take, then by all means, start forgetting all about him now. If ever you will decide to marry him in the future, you will have to do some adjustments, both of you, in order that you will strike at life together for good.
@sharone74 (4839)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I have made more "neccessary" changes than I care to admit to while he has changed almost not at all. Whenever he thinks something in our relationship needs to be changed it always seems to be me that he is talking about!
@Jshean20 (14367)
• Canada
7 Mar 07
Well I don't approve of what my boyfriend did before we met either but I don't dwell on his past or give him a hard time about it. I know that his past is part of who he's become today and I know that he's changed the negative aspects of his life in part because he has met me. I can understand if your boyfriend doesn't agree with your past but if he dwells on it and gives you a hard time about it, this could be some signs of insecurities and could show that he holds grudges; all things to consider before getting too permanant with the guy.
• United States
7 Mar 07
What you did before him shouldn't mean anything to him. It shouldn't matter because you have a life with him now. You are very right about not needing his approval for anything especially before you met him. That's crazy that he thinks you won't throw your past away because past is exactly that. I wouldn't want to keep the door open on my past. Maybe he isn't the right person for you. If he's that jealous, possesive and controling then I don't think I would stay. It will probably get much worse after you are married because then he'll feel like he is in complete control of you. Good luck.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
6 Mar 07
It slays me when guys get bent out of shape about things that happened before they met their gf's. If he keeps on being really disapproving then you might need to dump him. One thin I WOULD definitely do is dump anyone who thought it was cute to go telling all your business from the past, to him. They seem to want to cause a little trouble for their personal entertainment. People who behave that way can't be trusted with any information and usually make really poor friends!
@lingli_78 (12844)
• Australia
6 Mar 07
i totally understand what you mean... i won't let anybody change my lifestyle just for the sake of that person... whoever he/she is... i am who i am and you are right... you had lead that kind of life since you even had not known him yet... and it is not easy to ask somebody to change just like that... i think if your fiancee loves you, he will accept you as who you are as a person and won't ask you to change...
• United States
6 Mar 07
well from me to you, dont let him tell you that. for he is not your father only your father can be the only man in this world that can tell you what to do, about approval and what not. since he is not your dad just tell him that its your life and what wrong w/the things that you used to do before he came along! for like you said that is the person that he fell in love, y change?
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
6 Mar 07
You really touch on something fairly important here... namely how important it is to be with someone whose "perception of life" is similar to your own. Love can only get you so far... but two people also have to "get" each other and accept (if not outright "respect") each other's life and choices. Being with someone who is your "opposite" in many respects offers some significant challenges... especially if one person craves excitement, and the other craves constant peace and quiet. Been there, done that, sold the t-shirt on eBay.... However... what you write here suggests your fiancee is somewhat judgmental, but hopefully I'm wrong. It's never wise to judge another's life if you aren't willing to carefully evaluate the truth of your own.
@aksingh (20)
• India
6 Mar 07
Well please be patient . What I suggest here is . Let him be the part of your history . Then automatically you will see him repecting your past . The mistake you are making at this time is of same nature . You are not respecting his past with you . No matter how short It is . Might be fivteen minutes . But with your past please also give importance to those 15 min. That is your past too and thus equally important .
• United States
6 Mar 07
Well, what exactly were you doing that has him so disapproving? Do you like to bring up past exploits that has him cringing? Why do you want to keep the past open? You should be looking toward the future, instead of dragging the past into the present. Also, it is not his place to approve or disapprove of your past. He should accept it, and the fact that it is the past, but I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to not want to dwell on it, and put the past where it belongs, behind you.
@crazynurse (7489)
• United States
6 Mar 07
wow. I am not one to give advice, but in this situation I do feel compelled to just make a statement. These are issues that best be resolved before marriage, or they are always going to lurk in the background and be brought up during any/every disagreement. The issue will also eat away at you, (knowing/assuming that he still dispproves at least in part, as to who you are)...that is a terrible feeling to have in the back of one's mind! Please, make sure this is dealt with and resolved before you walk into marraige. Sorry for being an 'advice giver,' I know it is irritating.
@laurabeth (145)
• United States
6 Mar 07
The past is the past, he doesn't have to like it but he has to accept it or you need to move on! Most people have something in there past that they don't like, and there are things in our significant others past that we may not like, but like you said, our past is what has made us who we are. Take it or leave it! :)
@missinghim (1339)
• United States
6 Mar 07
he's totally out of line. no one is perfect and quite frankly, i don't see y you've stuck around as long as you have. he doesn't listen to you unless it's to critisize you. he doesn't value you or your opinion. he seems really overly negligent, critical, and boring. the question is exactly WHAT is it that You c n Him that you love to stay in this relationship?
@bmoliv (184)
• United States
6 Mar 07
Well, the past cannot be changed, but I can understand why he may feel that way with certain things that you have done before. You just have to try to understand where he is coming from with this.
• United States
6 Mar 07
As you said, I don't understand why your past is any of his business specifically since you two are together now and that stuff is in the past. You need to talk to him about it and if he refuses to understand that stuff, then you'll have to decide if he's really worth it.
• United States
6 Mar 07
It sounds like you have a lot of things to work out before you get married. It shouldn't matter what you did in your past; like you said, it made you who you are today. If your behavior has changed, I don't see why it should upset him. I think that before you marry this man, you should see a good marriage counselor. Work these things through BEFORE you get married. If you can't resolve them, it's better to know before the marriage than after. If not counseling, at the very least you need to ask yourself if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want to feel judged every day? I sure wouldn't. I wish you the best of luck. It doesn't sound like a pleasant situation at all.