Maintaining Peace with Hubby

I don't have secrets from my husband. We are very close, and think very much the same. Especially would not want to put a wedge between us over children, as they will leave the house one day, and then we are alone with our mates. It also sends out the wrong signals to our children about their fathers.

Why is it that Men act like that My Ex Husband used to be like that even when the Kids where little. I just don't understand why Men have to be like that

I know there are times when I would prefer to be blissfully unaware as to the full details as the stress of knowing it all is sometimes too much for this ticker to take.I guess it is like on a need-to-know bases.

LoL I keep secrets too from my hubby. But they always seem to come out some how. I dont like when they freak out. And like you I think its better to not tell him.LOL

Hmm, why would he freak out coz you wanna be there for your kids, even IF he is their stepdad like i read longer down =) I would not accept my bf to be like that with my kids, if and when I have some. I will always help them and if he has a problem with it - well, than thats his problem!

I am sorry you live this way. There is no way I would lie or keep a secret. What you are doing is not wrong and so what if he freaks. I stand up to my guy. We are a pair and we back each other up and also do what we think is right. Our kids are important and of course I would expect paid back and they know before they ask. Still I am living opening and to darn with him if he doesn't like it. I don't live to keep the peace. No growing or real living is going on that way. Just my thoughts and I hope it works out ok for you.

I hate to say it... but I'm in full agreement with you! I protect hubby from some stuff.. he does know I lend the kids money, but they always have to pay it back..well some of it anyway, now that I think about it.. I did put the balance of our son's car payments on one of my credit cards when he was not able to keep up, and I've yet to see any of that money.. but now we're at weekly borrowing, and it gets paid back or can't borrow again til it is, but of course they are both employed AND live at home so all they have is car payment, insurance.. gas.. [If anyone's kids get credit card offers in the mail.. throw them away before they ever see tham!]

I'm sure there are many who will flame you for this and say it's bad. You obviously know it's "wrong" and "bad" for a relationship to be that way or you wouldn't be "confessing" here. LOL But I personally understand the need to be this way and think it's sad more then anything that you're husband can't see the reason behind doing these things and support you. I hate to see any relationship have a dishonest aspect to it but if that's the worse you will keep from him then I think you're fine. I do know you are not alone in this.

keeping a secret maybe make some matters worsts..that is in general aspect..i really dont know whats the issues here since you havent elaborated much..but for me being honest always to the partners makes the relationship more strong and successfull

I think you have to work on the basis that if a person doesn't ask about something then it's perfectly acceptable not to have mentioned it .. it's not withholding info or even having a big secret ... just that they didn't get involved enough themselves to be brought into the info loop ...

ElusiveButterfly, we were cut from the same cloth. I have always "hidden" certain things from my husband as well. Why, I could not really tell you. Just to keep the peace I guess. One of my sons had damaged a vehicle of ours, just a tail light. We tried to crazy glue it back into place. He just happened to take the vehicle into town and on his return the taillight had popped back out. My sons and I all saw this. All of a sudden I had the urge to blame it on my husband. I told him he should be more careful where he parked when he was in town. My boys were beyond themselves with glee. I just pity their wives . They won't be able to get a way with anything after marrying boys with a mother like me.lol.

I agree that somethings need to be handled and he really dont need to know. It will just stress him our and this is a wifes way of protecting them from stress. I just looked at the checking account and looks like we are overdrawn. OH NO. He does not need to know!

I think that there are a lot of women who do this. There are also men who do the same things though. I guess that unless you are talking about extremely large sums of money, I wouldn't worry about it. He has no business getting upset that you are helping your children out anyway. After all, they are your family too. I have always tried to be open and honest whenever possible, but I understand how sometimes people can make it impossible.

I do it too financially i balance things delicately and he has no idea..I have no idea how he thinks we pay everything and he can still golf and have money for anything he wants. also i smooth over a lot of family stuff like you do because he would freak and a feud would be on and i hate that. he doesn't know when mom helps out or even when his mom has helped secretly mind you i have always paid it back but he doesn't know..i think in my situation its the best way to handle it.. hugs Cheryl

Handing out money is one thing but driving your daughter to an appointment shouldn't pose a problem and I don't think you husband should get upset about it. I used to think that my husband would freak out about giving money and lifts to my children, but he would often tell me to stay at home and he would do the driving. If I told them I gave them money, he would just ask me if I was sure that I had given them enough. I am glad that he is not the one dishing out the money or we would be stoney broke.

I'm sorry you have to live in secrecy but I still admire your courage. One question that popped into my mind is that your husband already know that you have children before you got married so why is he acting like that. I think he might be insecure of your children and would only want your attention for himself. If you can maybe you can talk to him and make him understand that it is important for you to do things for you children because whatever happens you're still their mother. If he can't understand that then it's better to hide what you're doing. Good luck.

I can understand this. My husband freaks out over certain issues to do with his kids, my two step children. He gets aggro, & can't always face reality. It's got to the stage where I just don't bother to tell him things.

You guys are married, and by all accounts, it appears that your kids are either young adults or full adults, and regardless of the marriage vows, that doesn't give your husband the right to demand that you only help when he thinks of it first. That kind of attitude really stinks! He has no say in your children's lives now that they live elsewhere, and he really shouldn't have pushed to the point where you now feel you have to keep secrets from him. When members of the family have problems, be it financial or otherwise, then isn't the first step towards solving it usually the family? It seems your husband doesn't think it should be and that they should be left to fend for themselves. God forbid he should ever need help with anything!

I think alot of us women do this. I think it's a natural instinct. I wonder whether your partner is seeing something the rest of us aren't and has your best interests at heart. Are they taking you for a ride and getting you to do things that really as adults they should be doing themselves? Do you run yourself ragged caring for them when you should be enjoying your life now they have left home? If he is plainly a jealous man and does have an issue because they aren't his children, I think at some point you need to sort this. Otherwise alot of things wil come out and the fall out is going to be twice as bad. But full credit to you. You have not let a man dictate what you will do with your children. I think perhaps you just need to take a step back from the situation and see what needs doing. I wish you loads of luck.

i do understand Elusive Butterfly feeling. I have a friend, a very close friend who has the same story as Elusive Butterfly. She has 3 children, her children's father abandoned them when the kids were very young. She met another men,married him and since when they got married the childen were so young ages 5,4 and 2 and doesnt know anything about their real father. Their stepfather become their dad and the children use the surname of their stepfather. His second husband become a good father to her 3 children by playing with them but does not provide as much as he could which means sometimes he work,sometimes not and a lot of times doesnt work. My friend cannot push him to work maybe becuase he is not the real father. and according to my friend treatment is different from real father. a lot of times my friend use to tell white lies to hide mistakes that her children do.