No Good Deed...
By worldwise1
@worldwise1 (14885)
United States
January 5, 2008 8:23pm CST
This is not the first discussion I've had about a lady who I've befriended that lives in my building. She does have some health issues, but I think she really likes the attention more. I have shared my food with her on many occasions because she told me right after meeting her that she doesn't cook. I have also given her clothing and household items. That is just the way I am. I don't mind that she never has anything to offer, many people are that way. Well, she has put me on the out with her today. This woman is in her 50s and a diabetic. She is constantly complaining that her medicine doesn't work, while she gorges on baked potatoes, french fries, boxed crockpot dinners, and hot dogs. She also constantly sucks down diet soda. Today was the last straw! When I tried to point out to her9for the hundredth time), that her diet is a big part of her treatment, she gets all huffy with me. Now, the only time she ever gets a decent meal, with green vegetables, is when I feed her or she eats with another lady in the building. Her attitude leaves a lot to be desired and I juct cannot put up with her any longer. What would you do in my situation? I have tried to help this woman in every way that I can. I really don't think she wants to be healthy.
9 people like this
18 responses
@cblackink (969)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I very recently (on New Year's Eve) cut ties with a person like this. I felt she was really just looking for sympathy, and really didn't appreciate all the effort I've put out for her for the past year and a half. When a person obviously isn't willing to help themselves at all, I start to question their motives. I feel this woman is on a little power trip, and she was just exhausting me emotionally, time-wise and resource wise. I don't hate her or anything, but I can't allow her to do this to me anymore. It was just self-preservation. Don't worry. When a relationship with another person isn't enriching your life in any manner, that's not a friendship. It sounds like she needs to depend on herself, be alone with herself, and figure out if she really wants to get healthy and live.
1 person likes this
@cblackink (969)
• United States
9 Jan 08
There's no way you would have known that in advance until you were in the middle of it. Some people will take advantage of kindness. Sounds like you are a really good person with the best of intentions. But none of us are any good to others if we let ourselves be pulled down to the point we can't even take care of ourselves.
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I couldn't agree with you more, cblackink! I have gone above and beyond what I should have for this woman because I felt sorry for her, but I will not do this again. She took my kindness for weakness.
1 person likes this
@carolbee (16230)
• United States
6 Jan 08
Sounds like this woman really doesn't care about her health. Also sounds like she wants someone to cook for her on a regular basis.
What I would do is probably wrong but doubt that I would continue to offer to feed her or give her any advice. Apparently she's not listening to you and you can only do so much and only give so much advice. I'd get terribly frustrated and feel like I was wasting my time with someone who really didn't listen to good advice. Eventually I'd have to walk away from the situation.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
It's a done deal, carolbee. I have decided that I am no longer angry with her, but I will keep our relationship on a friendly greeting basis from now on.
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
6 Jan 08
As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You make a great point. This is by her eating habits she does not want to be healthy. You cannot change her eating habits for her. If you have sweetly told her that she needs to change how she eats, then you have been kind. It is like the smoker who knows they should quit, and while it causes health problems, they refuse to change for their own benefit. If you have helped her as much as you can, then there is little else you can do. Go about your business knowing you tried and that you cannot change others. You made constructive suggestions and that is about all you can do. She doesn't cook? Maybe it is time that she learned how to cook a few things. Heck, I am a single guy who has cooked most of his meals. It is not that hard to make some decent meals.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
She blames her inability to do things for herself on emphysemia, sigma, but, I do know that she has improved very much because they took her oxygen away. I think she just wants a crutch to lean on and is lazy.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
6 Jan 08
You have done all you could. Maybe she is like me, if it was a choice between eating something healthy that I may or may not like and eating something that may not be good for me but I Know I like, I would choose the later.She may get the connection or she may think that the medicine is suppose to help her eat what she likes.She is grown woman and you can't make her eat healthy things if she doesn't want to.You are such a good person and I know you wish you could help her more but she has to want to change and it sounds like she doesn't. So you have done all you can do.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
When I really think about it, sarah, I have enough issues with health problems of my own to be taking on someone else's anyway. From now on I'll just be minding my own business.
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8973)
• Canada
6 Jan 08
You have gone out of you way to help this person! She does appreciate your kindness. Other than taking her down, sitting on her and forcing her to eat decent food, there is nothing more you can do. So give it up! If and when she comes to you for help, and you feel that you can respond, then go ahead. Otherwise you have exausted your good will. May God Bless her!
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
Well, barehugs, I can only do so much. It seems that she is ignoring me because she has not called today, but that might be a good thing for all concerned.
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
6 Jan 08
THink about it for a minute. If your friend was healthy, people wouldnt pay much attention. Healthy people dont need much looking after. This may be for attention seeking purposes. People have a way of manipulating us by constant complaining of how bad they have it. Believe it or not, my 12 year old daughter pointed this out to me. I was in the same situation with a woman I had befriended. She would be constantly sad or seem depressed. Of course, I would want to know if I could rectify the situation. And it would begin The Poor Me's. Im so sick, Im so worthless because I cant take care of my family because Im sick, I cant afford anything, I cant take the bus Im sick. I felt bad so I would try to make her life as comfortable as possible. As a result, my life became uncomfortable. I began to sacrifice my own family for her. My daughter finally asked me what the woman did before my help. Good question. Upon investigation, I found out that most of the people in my neighborhood had been through the same thing with her. So just be careful! Dont let her take your kindness for weakness.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
Yes, dloveli, in hindsight I think she is very good at playing people for her own purposes. She wants others to feed her while she gives her daughter money to buy food, and the daughter is grown and works. I only buy enough food for myself, but I have never minded sharing with her-even when it means I have to do without, but no more.
@TerryZ (22076)
• United States
6 Jan 08
You are so right some people just dont want to be healthy. Some people just dont get it. Some people do like the attention. Well it sounds like you tried with her and she doesnt want to change her eating habits.I think I would have to just let her do her own thing.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
Oh, she will be on her own from now, TerryZ. I am totally fed up with this person and her attitudes.
@finlander60 (1804)
• United States
6 Jan 08
I think you are right in this case, and I think I would limit my exposure to her, in your shoes, because it is liable to give you horrible high blood pressure dealing with the obvious stupidity. I know other people like this. There are some perfectly good frozen meals that can be microwaved if she does not cook, and they are not expensive. Fresh fruits and veggies do not have to be cooked. Peanut butter does not have to be cooked. I have a sister this way. She got better when they finally put her on insulin. I have also seen diabetics who go to potlucks, give themselves a shot at the table and make huge pigs of themselves. Others are very health conscious, but still have trouble. Any way, at least for awhile, maybe you just need to be waving friends. For your own good.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I have given it a lot of thought, and came up with the same conclusion, GG. And I truly don't need the extra stress in my life. I will maintain my distance from here on out.
@rx4life (1930)
• United States
6 Jan 08
For many people it is just so much easier to blame the medication than to put forth the effort to restrict their diets and/or to exercise....Some just feel the need for the attention also. I believe that you have been a good influence in her life and have tried your best to help her. We can't force people to take good care of themselves and sometimes we try so hard we become enablers...there comes a time in every relationship when we have to step back and evaluate whether it is a healthy one for either party. I think you can easily move forward without offering her any more assistance since she is only willing to take and not to take responsibility!!!
You have done what you can...and you were so kind to have done anything!!!
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
My aunt used to have a saying, rx4life, that even iron eventually wears out; well I feel like I am at the point where I am worn out from dealing with this woman. She always has her hand out but never offers anything in return. I don't need it.
@Aurone (4755)
• United States
6 Jan 08
I know what you mean. My grandmother is a little like that, she gets on my case about eating right since I am overweight but she is diabetic and she doesn't eat correctly. You really can't help someone that won't be helped. And if she has become unbearable there is no law that says you have to continue to help her. Some people are just a drain, you can only give them so much because they never give back emotionally and that just leaves a void in you. I am all about helping people when I can, but at some point you have to take care of you. If you want to continue to help her, but you can't say take her company once a week or biweekly then perhaps you could see her once a month instead, that way she won't be such a strain on you, but you don't feel guilty about not helping her.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
She has been a drag on me for quite some time now, Aurone, and I believe that she is aware that she is a selfish person. She gives everything she can get her hands on to her adult daughter-even buys her food-while she only takes from others. I'm through!
@paulsy (1263)
• Philippines
6 Jan 08
I guess we just cannot convince everybody to think the way we think. Some people are really stubborn. However, just put it this way, you have done your part. The mere fact that you care about her health, as it is, is already a wonderful thing considering the fact that you are not in any way related to her. She is lucky to have a friend like you. But, as you said, the lady is in her 50's already. She has to make that choice of taking care of her health on her own. If she continues to disregard her health, eventually, she will be paying for her own health problems.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
Yes, paulsy, it seems that I have taken on more than I should have in dealing with this person. I will miss her companionship, but I will get over it.
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I think all of my good intentions were never really appreciated anyway, naty, so I am leaving it alone.
@Zelmarq (12607)
• Cebu City, Philippines
6 Jan 08
Well, her health conditions would speak of the way she lives her life eating those food that is not really good for her body at her age. Its takes discipline to have good health and its the thing that she does not have. Its a lifestyle, and as much as you wanter to help with her health problems and it seems to me she does not care so theres nothing for you to get worried about. At least you have tried to educate her but; she is old enough to do what she wishes and we have no control over that.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
You are right, Zelmarq, and I have decided to stay on my own side of the fence from now on.
@theprogamer (10532)
• United States
6 Jan 08
I could see myself doing a lot of /facepalm and /temple rub in your situation World. You've befriended her, you've done a lot for her and you say and do these things because you want the best for her. This maybe the point though where you may just have to let it go. On the other hand, you may want to stick with her and hopefully be the intervention to make her life better. It may take weeks, months... maybe years. But if you are her friend and want the best for her, then stand by her and help her out.
Personally, it'd be quite a task either way. Ignoring her or absolving myself of the health responsibility might be good in the short run, but knowing she's making things worse for herself would trouble me greatly. Helping her out and persisting in this matter would be a thing a good friend does. But she could easily get irriated and drop me in order to live as she wants. Or she could just make a lot of our time together difficult and stressful.
I bet I've not helped out with my double perspective, but its what I think of the situation. You may just have to ease up for a minute, spend some time away from her and recover yourself a bit World. No matter what you choose I wish you luck, patience and strength for this matter.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I have known her for over 2 years now, progamer, and I don't think she will change. The sad part is that I enjoy her company sometimes, but we are poles apart on most things.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
10 Jan 08
There's a little voice saying to me..."walk away". I have a feeling this is going to end badly for you moreso than anyone else. You need to disassociate yourself from this person.
She sounds as though she is possibly mentally handicapped to me....does she have a care or someone who checks up on her?
I think you've done the right thing Kercelia but the time has come to let go. At least you tried.
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I don't think there is much you can do if your friend doesn't want to help herself. That is sad that she doesn't want to help herself being diabetic and all but i am not sure what else you can do other than be there.
@anniepa (27955)
• United States
7 Jan 08
I think you nailed it right in the beginning of your post, she likes the attention more. I think you're absolutely right, she doesn't want to be healthy because then what would she have to whine about to make people do things for her and feel sorry for her? I'm not a mean, cold-hearted person, I'd have probably done the same as you've done in that I'd have no doubt helped her in any way I could but I also think I'd have done as you've done now and that's put a stop to it! She's a user, pure and simple. I'm all for helping others if they appreciate it and if they're willing to do their part at helping themselves. Of course her medication isn't going to work if she's a diabetic gorging herself with baked potatoes and stuff like that! Maybe she'll learn a little bit if you're no long there to give her things and do for her.
Annie
@mummymo (23706)
•
24 Jan 08
I think I would give up - not that I would want to buy sometimes people will just refuse to listen to common sense and would rather live in a state of denial and think that they cannot do anything about it! Lets be honest we would probably all treat ourselves if we had to avoid certain foods but not everyday - and it is probably just as easy to eat a healthy meal with vegetables as it is to eat some of the far less healthy options. It seems as if she is making absolutely no effort to help herself and feels as though everyone else will do it for her! xxx
