Recently very hurt by a friend

Let me add to the above comment...while one takes care of oneself by avoiding volatile relationships one can still maintain the love that was obviously there for that person now spewing vile....I pray for God to send me Grace....and I pray for them too...it lightens my heart and is what I would wish for them to do if the tables were turned.

The last e-mail I sent to her was very close to that it said;

"I love you and I am sorry that I have hurt you. Only you can determine how to proceed"

I simply was so hurt by her fury and her rage. I had done nothing other than be there, even at times at the expense of other things that needed to get done.

Needless to say, she didn't receive that e-mail because she had blocked my address.

She can hurt me. I know her well enough to think she might try. I am so sorry that her rage led her down this path. I have always understood with her that she often goes over the top, it is why I avoided saying some things to her even things that she needed to hear. It is why in the past when she unloaded on me all I would ever say is "I am sorry that I hurt you", even when what I wanted to say is, "get over it I am not going to play your silly azzed games any longer".

It is very hurtful and very sad. I really do care for her and really do wish that she understood this. But I was beginning to feel as if I was missing something important in the relationship. Usually when I would talk to a friend about what was going on in my marriage or with work it was a two way discussion that didn't end up "slamming" my husband into the ground. With her it was almost like I was supposed to not want to be with him, she would grow angry when I would need to hang up because he was home from work and I wanted to spend time with him. It was strange. I travel all week so I am only home Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes I would talk to her for hours on the phone and then need to end the call when my husband got home, she would grow infuriated with this, it was a sticking point.

I don't know, I don't know what I was missing. It was almost like she was supposed to be my only friend my only focus.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you" is very diplomatic and is really...the right way...but the thing is...that grace and consideration was going over her head, it seems. I may not be right here ok? but just an opinion I am putting out there..I think that after so many "i'm sorrys" she was not grasping that you were sorry, in the purest sense. She was likely internalizing that if you were sorry, the nmaybe you were admitting blame. People often don't distinguish the difference. So I think at a certoian point I would have been pointing ou to her that just because you say you're sorry, doesn't mean you did anything wrong!

There was something else and now I forget..

As odd as it may sound, it sounds like she was jealous of your husband.

I know, I began to think so too. I think she was jealous of anything and everything and everybody in my life. My friends, my children, my family, my husband.

No one was good enough, ever. Normal conversations that you would have with other friends about friends and family always tended to be strange in the last few weeks with her.

As to the sorry I hurt you issue. You are right. She kept telling me to "man up and accept blame" and to "look in the mirror". It was the oddest thing. I finally said to her that I could only accept blame for things that I had done and that looking in the mirror would only reflect back to me the person I was, neither of which would result in what she was looking for.

I guess because I don't have that kind of fury myself I don't understand it in others. I do understand that she struggles with her mortality. She is young and dying. I have great empathy for her and this is part of why I allowed her to lash out at me so often, anyone else I would have cut off months ago.

Yet and still, I care for her and I would have wished that I could have stuck by her and eased her.

Hi Val, and thank you for the BR! That is kind of you, love. Ya know I have thought about this discussion often since I posted here and have been following all the other replies also. The jealousy thing I mentioned, I see has been suggested by others since too, and they have elaborated. I too thought that when I posted the jealousy remark whether you would read all of what I intended you to, into my comment. My gut instinct was also that the jealousy could very well go beyond just 'time spent' with your husband, and could have far broader implications than that. If, per se she had feelings for you on an intimate personal level, then it might help explain her very obvious irrational way she has been with you since learning of her illness. It is very hard, if not impossible for us to put ourselves where she is in her mindset and the fear of the unknown and threat of her basic mortality combined with what she may feel are insult upon injury facts.
I hope since, that this situation has started down the road of some form of peaceful and non-hurtful resolution for you and her. If it helps to vent or run something by me, you have my PM. Anytime friend.

I had begun to think the same thing. I think that she was simply paranoid and saw harm where there was none. It was really strange.

Part of our last conversation started with her e-mail in which she essentially told me that all we ever did was talk about what was going on in my life - my work, my marriage, my customer, my kids; never about her. This of course was not true but ok, perception is always reality in my book. So I e-mailed her back that I would call her at my lunch break.

I called. She immediately began the conversation wanting to know what was going on at my client site. I responded with short answers then stopped her and asked what was going on with her, open ended question so that she could jump in with what ever she wanted.

Her response?

"Never mind, I don't know why you even bother to call". Then she hung up on me. From there it was two days of fury in e-mails about what a horrible person I was and how insensitive I was. How it wasn't enough, ever. How my pragmatism sucked. How my approach to communication sucked. How everything in my life was my fault. How I was throwing her away after I successfully got what I needed. How she was fired and it was my fault. Pages and pages of this. It was just bizzare. I am insensitive and everyone in my life knows it but she is the only one willing to tell me and for that I am throwing her away...I don't know it was just weird.

All I said, over and over again was that I was sorry she was so hurt. Never once defended myself other than to say that I was sorry I had hurt her but I couldn't change a lifetime of who I was.

I feel like I missed something but don't know what it was.

Based on what she has told me, you are right. The people who should love her and care for without conditions do not and have not.

I also feel very sad for her. I am not angry at her, even now and despite the very hurtful things she has said and done. I think I understand how angry she is at the situation she is in. I have a great deal of empathy for her and her situation, in many ways we are similar in that we have medical conditions and disabilities not of our making, conditions that are life threatening. In her case much more so unfortunately; in my case much longer term and more controlled.

I think the difference between us is our reactions to our situation and our approach to our past and our lives in general. I am fairly pragmatic where she is very emotional.

I also hope that she finds peace. I also hope that she maybe considers what has happened and reaches backwards before it is to late. While she believes that she is due something more from me than an apology that has already been given freely. I believe for her to find peace she must seek within herself what drives her rage and what causes her to drive people who care for her away.

I think a part of it was frankly that she owed me money and did not know how to repay it. Mind you I never asked when she would begin. Never asked! Do I need it? Yes, but I made the loan knowing in my heart that she may pass and never make a single payment. I did it because she needed a roof over her head and medications that she could not at the time afford without help. I think that this is something else she will never understand.

You have a good heart. Some people would still be mad at here even if they know what you know. Nowadays people like you are rarely seen, and I hope all goes well with you. You may have an illness but it doesn't stop you for being you, she should learn more from you.

Yeah, I am kinda there with the money. She isn't going to pay it back, I know that. I suspect in her mind she is writing an invoice to justify not doing so. You know....

Listened to Val talk about husband - $X
Listened to Val talk about her work - $X
Listened to Val talk about her kids - $X

Magically the value of that will somehow be the value of the loan I made her. Or better yet I will recieve an invoice from her for twice that amount because she will mysteriously decide that her current situation is my fault entirely. That the somehow I owe her more.

You think the above sounds odd, but I have watched her do this before. I once jokingly said she should charge someone for the time she spent interviewing. She decided that this was the truth and did so. Now she believes, really believes that that company owes her money and must pay her. It is weird. She even wanted my attorney friend to write a letter for her and when I said "you have no legal standing and I won't ask her to do so" she became enraged with me.

I don't know it is just strange.

I agree that she likely has some emotional problems. Many that are brought on by her health issues. I none the less feel very bad. I wish I didn't but I do. Thank you for your thoughts, I know she is manipulative but it still feels bad, maybe because it is so manipulative.

I have thought this myself, many times. I think though that she will never seek it. She is not a terribly introspective person thinking more that everyone is the enemy and she is the victim in every situation. The more I step back from the situation the more I realize this. Nonetheless, it is a painful situation.

The funny thing is that I think we originally found friendship because we have had similar experiences and are both disabled, although she is likely more so than I. Certainly her disability is more physically dibilitating than mine. Certainly her emotional response has been much different than mine.

I don't believe though that she will ever realize what she has done. Rather, I think she will continue to dwell on her view of the issues and allow it to fester. I have watched her do this with others and it has only turned out badly.

I sometimes think we pick the friends we need at the time because they have something to teach us....for the life of me I can't find what I am supposed to learn from this.