Recently very hurt by a friend

I keep trying to see things from her perspective. I keep trying to see how hurt she was by all that happened and all that drove things in the direction that they went to. I understand that in her mind she has decided that her downfall is somehow my fault, somehow I am the architect.

I don't know how. I don't know why. But somehow it is my fault, everything that has happened to her is my fault.

I am so crushed by her recriminations by her rage.

I loaned it with the knowledge I might not get it back. I knew. I knew because she might die before she could pay me back.

No she is not married. You are not insensitive, I have considered the same thing lately.

I have also considered that there is some other problem that drives her manic behavior. Her rages which are frankly becoming more and more frequent and uncontrollable.

Yes, I have considered seeking professional advice. I will likely do so. I am not concerned with the money. I knew when I loaned the money to her I would likely never see it again.

She has exhausted me more than once. My sympathy for her more often that not takes over though and I allow myself to get sucked in.

Last Thursday she demanded that I not contact her any more. She enforced this by blocking my e-mail address. I was almost relieved by this, I know this sounds cold hearted, but really it was the first weekend I had to myself in months, the first weekend I didn't feel as if I was tied to my headset or needed to apologize if I wasn't. Then today, well tonight anyway I received a very long e-mail from her in which she listed all the ways in which I had failed her or caused her life to spin out of control.

Everything from it being my fault that she was fired from our mutual previous employer (it wasn't but she will never acknowledge this).

To the fact I had successfully mediated a settlement with them, started my business, and negotiated my first contract. While it took her 3 months to find work. She won't acknowledge that she fired her attorney, fought with perspective employers, couldn't travel to several interviews due to her health, and ultimately withdrew from mediation due to how hard it was. Two different approaches two different outcomes -- but somehow my fault.

She demands that I speak to people about issues over which either they have no control or over which they are not interested in working. Such as speaking to my attorney to collect a debt that is not due to my friend. Or speaking to a very senior member of our mutual ex-employer who I still have a good relationship regarding her pursuit of a settlement, or regarding the assignment of someone she does not personally like to what she considers a undeserved pluse assignment. She will never understand why these things are not appropriate for me to do or that the people involved will not become involved in the issues. Only seeing them somehow as "tests" of friendship in which I somehow fail.

I am simply stunned at this point at the narrow focus she has taken. Nowhere in her rage does she remember how often I defended and covered for her. Nowhere does she remember me calling hospitals, sending food to her house when she couldn't get out, being a reference, calling friends in the industry, insuring she got recognized for her contributions, getting her a $25,000 raise, loaning her money out of my personal pocket.

I don't even know how to approach this anymore.

I don't know that remaining in communication with her is the best idea. I wish it were but after today's e-mail (see response above) her resentment and anger it is just not a great idea.

Me as well. The note I got from her tonight somewhat frightens me. I think she is truly going off the deep end. I don't know what is in her head or what she is thinking but I think I am going to seek legal advice pretty quickly.

If you are that concerned then be sure to keep a log of your conversations, emails, etc. Good luck! wow

I apologize for responding so late, I have been a bit out of things lately.

I do know that sometimes our friends can be self-absorbed. I think with her she goes beyond this. Although this is exactly what she accusing me of.

And to further add to ronaldinu's comment, some people do realize later in life and we (the decent people of the world) sit around waiting for them to realize this. Unfortunately this usually comes with a cost and we end up being hurt or hurting ourselves in pursuit of a goal that will never come to pass. I was (am) like this with my girlfriend but all things will change for me soon.

Funny about this person, she is so very far off the hook she really doesn't get that her words do great harm. She believes that she has a free pass. Not sure why that is. She spent weeks, and I do mean weeks simply blasting me. My character, my humanity, my ethics, my morals. Every bad thing that came her way somehow landed on my doorstep. It was strange. Every choice she made, every bad choice especially despite my advice to the contrary was somehow my fault in the end.

I simply let her blast away. Ignoring her most of the time and then finally telling her to stop. Finally saying to her that I had enough I was done. Finally saying to her that I was not going to apologize to her for simply being the person that I was; that clearly she was not satisfied with our friendship and I was not going to make any significant changes to my personality, communication style, or values to appease her. Which of course started another round of blasting. Even stranger is that she knows that she does this, she admits that she goes off the deep end and doesn't have a edit button - but thinks that this should somehow be accepted. Maybe because she is sick?

I simply stopped responding. After two weeks of refusing to take phone calls and refusing to respond to her e-mails I think she figured it out. Then there was the "I miss you and our friendship" e-mail. I am sorry e-mail. I don't know what I did that you would treat me this way e-mail.

It was the guilt in two parts. First I was a demon now I am just being mean to her.

So I explained that she had done to much damage with her vitrolic dementia. I explained that of course I cared about her but I cared about me and my family as well. I could not be there for her all the time and her neediness was taking to much of my time and effort to sustain. Her demands were to much. Her jealousy of even my husband was over the top.

What is even funnier? She finally got her settlement from our mutual past employer - has she offered to repay me?

Why that would be a big no.

I will go read yours right now, and of course comment if I can add anything of value. I haven't been around to much lately. Spending to much time working really.

Hi Val, I wondered what had been transpiring over this?
Since she got her settlement,I don't think if I were you, I could resist asking her that exactly why has she not repaid you her debt? If she were to suggest 'how mean and unsupportive' (ya right) was reason (which we know she likely will) then I would simple state that, in taking back your own life and refusing to be take the brunt of her cr*p since your support was falling on deaf ears anyway, would never ever be REASON enough for her to not repay her debt to you and if she refuses you consider that she has stolen from you and is nothing more than a common thief.

....either that, you keep your distance and decide that if she stays away from you fromn now on, it might be
worth the $3500 was it? bucks.
But if she still harasses you, then pay up b*tch, see you in court.
(pardon my frankness, but the injustice of your situation steams me everytime I read it)

And when you know at heart you are truly a good person or at least good to her, and she still treats you this way? It's absolutely necessary you remove people like this from your life as they can only bring you down and keep you miserable!