A complex situation!

This is a new face that the traditional arranged marriages faces. There is really a dilemma about getting into arrange or love marriages. I really think that it is better to have relationship with marriage out of love than those arrange where you are introduced and set for marriage. Although I know the rationale behind that the parents are thinking for their best interest but in the end it is the heart that prevails and that man did indeed devastated this girls heart for doing as such.

It needs a strong maturity to accept this kind of situation. She should accept the fact that his husband is legally divorced with his first wife and there is no reason why she could not accept reality that she is the legal wife now. This happened before he married her and should not create a tension in the marriage. Why does she wants a divorce from the husband? Tell her to be more openminded. There are countless of worse cases where husbands flirt during the marriage. She is lucky that her busband loves her and beg her not to leave. Tell her to stay put.

advise your friend to establish herself first in a career then do what she wants regarding her marriage. tell her to keep her head together and concentrate on independence since she seems to be worth nothing to her husband. tell her to do this before any child comes into their lives.

Well! the very fact that the boy broke up the previous marriage just after one month proves that there must have been something seriously wrong. He can not be in love with that girl again, at the most he may be trying to flirt( this too seems to be far fetched idea to me). Tell your friend to reconcile at the moment and compromise.

hiiii really your freind has an typical condition and i think she is going through worse condition..but actually the case you have written in that case you cna see that she came to know that he is divorced person but he has nit now been caught with her. its natural that your friends always suspect him. but in this case she has caught him seeing those mails but his point can also be right that now he wants to start new life with her and thats why he has divorced with her if he still loved her than there may be no case of leaving her. he was telling to your friend that he loves your friend a lot and wanted a new chance so in that case your friend should give her a new chance because it may be the case that your friend think that he is just cheating and leave him and afterwards she comes to know that he really loved him than she will regret that why i had not given him chance and than everything will vanish so there is no sense in destruction in this hurry because every one will face problem if she get wrong and every one will blame you so try to give him last chance. about the case he has not told your friend that he is a divorced person because he may thought to start a new life and he may not want to recall his past. so finally i can say that at least last chance should be given by your friend to him and if your friend really come to conclusion that she is correct than she should not waste time in that and she should start her new life. but dont be depressed.

Hi subha. I think maybe your friend should give her husband the chance to prove what he said. I know it'll took a lot of patience but maybe it's worth it. I think if she had love him, even just a little, she can do that. I'm sorry if she or you didn't like my suggestion. I'm just trying to help. Good luck dear, take care .

subha12,

The problem with people is that they want to investigate their partner's history, yet their love and maturity are not magnanimous enough accept the outcome.

It's only human if people are very sensitive to 'certain scenario' (open to variety of interpretations), but having that self awareness to understand that since one's heart is not exactly very big to begin with, to pursue relentlessly about people's past is like slapping oneself around with a large trout, while trying to maintain a smile. The question is why then do we allow ourselves to be confused with all that past when the main thing is to look forward into the future?

Yet, I must pause here and set a poser here: Can one really love without trust? So, I believe this will be the main crux and issue of her present dilemma and she really has to look deep and objectively without clouding the issue with something which is assumptive and baseless. Also, as this is an arranged marriage, she will need to ask herself if obligation is the only reason why she is and would be in it, before she decides that all is over. Communication, she might want to speak to her husband and trash everything on the table. I cannot assure anything here but at least she might know if this relationship is worth continuing. And if the outcome is not promising, as least she can work towards an amicable break-up, which is pretty much a mature way of handing issues, rather than opting to walkaway without giving the other party and/or marriage a chance. For a relationship is never static - length of relationship does not guarantee everlasting fulfillment or marriage.

Lastly, I would like to remind you here that this is her own life to steer and her own struggle to overcome - everything derive from the choice she has made. It may seem illogical to you at some stage but that is never your fault or you. It is because you do not live in her skin and you do not incur that sort of karmic debts like what she has with her man.

We are all born different and what's more when you compare our psychological, emotional and spiritual state?

As a friend, there's only so much you can do. Seriously, sometimes, it's not about the need to say something enlightening or deciding. IMO it'd be just better to play a prudent role of being a 'safety net' to catch if and when your friend falls off the cliff from sheer fatigue.

You can't substitute her in this game of love - she must grow from her own challenges.

Cheers.

Sadly, this is not unusual. Women continue to be used and manipulated. I agree with another poster...she must find her own strength...a job, and supportive family (I know that might be hard, culturaly). Depending on where she lives, and where they were married, she may have some legal leverage...again though, sometimes it is a 'man's world' still. She may be able to plead a case for an annullment. His begging should go ignored. That is childish and boorish manipulation, and she must not give it to it. She must get out, and stay out, and let me tell you (although all of know this) it is not easy, indeed, very hard. If her parents love her and care about her well-being, they will understand. If they don't, and they might not depending on their cultural values...she must take charge of her own direction.

This is the problem of not knowing the person very well before marrying. I personally don't like arranged marriage because it is not your parents who's going to stay with their choice but you, so definitely you are the one who will suffer most.

Anyway back to your friend's problem, if the guy really says that he loves him very much now and he is not going to have communication with the ex wife, then it's ok, it is her decision if she will still accept this guy.

But i am not clearly sure about what you said that your friend found out that his hubby was divorced? how come? did he lied from the start? this is really bad and will cause a lot of conflict from their relationship, he should be honest to her now that they are married. But again, it is your friends decision.

She could ride on try not to put her all into the marrige. it seems as though it is about to fail though since there is a lost of trust. Now there is real reason for her to be concern. It is unfair for her to be living in the limbo for this guy. I think she should find out more about him before she call it quits.