I am so tired of bad news
By Thoroughrob
@Thoroughrob (11742)
United States
June 19, 2009 1:11pm CST
Two days ago, I recieved a call from a friend of mine. When he called, I was not even sure who I was talking to. I answered the phone and he said my name, when I said yes, he procededed telling me that he had gotten up that morning and took his shower and got around. His wife wasn't awake yet, so he went back in to wake her up, and she had passed away in her sleep.
I was so floored. She was only 47. He shocked me so much, I could hardly even talk to him. I tried to find words, but I think both of us, were in shock.
Today I called him and he just talked and talked. I asked him about arrangements, and he told me that there weren't going to be any. I could not believe my ears. She has no family, and didn't want anything. I was so surprised. I have never heard of not even having a small graveside service.
What do you do for someone, to help them? I feel like I should do something, but I have no ideas.
15 people like this
18 responses
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
19 Jun 09
Hi Thoroughrob,
there is not much you can do for him but respect his wishes and just be there for him, some people just wants a private little service without anyone around, it is very sad but just be there for him thats all.
Tamara
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I just keep calling and checking on him. He made it clear that he wanted to be by himself.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Thoroughrob! Yes, unexpected news of this kind can really stop us in our tracks. I received similar news about a dear friend just a couple of months ago myself. I think I walked around like a zombie for a couple of weeks afterward; it was just so unbelievable.
The only thing I know that you can do for your friend's husband is be there if he needs you. He has to get over the initial shock, and it could take some time. It is very sad that there won't be any type of service to mark your friend's passing. I have also never heard of such a thing. Even if she had no family I am sure that there were people whom she came into contact with that will feel cheated because they have been denied the chance to say a proper goodby to her. Just remember your friend kindly and try to move on with your life.
The only thing I know that you can do for your friend's husband is be there if he needs you. He has to get over the initial shock, and it could take some time. It is very sad that there won't be any type of service to mark your friend's passing. I have also never heard of such a thing. Even if she had no family I am sure that there were people whom she came into contact with that will feel cheated because they have been denied the chance to say a proper goodby to her. Just remember your friend kindly and try to move on with your life.2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
19 Jun 09
It was quite a shock. I really hope this is how she wanted it. I know they did not associate with alot of people, and she had no family. I just never heard of no service at all. Her husband is in his sixties and he did have a couple of kids, but they had nothing to do with them either.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
24 Jun 09
Oh dear...that would be a shock. Out of the blue then the news sinking in...so young. I think having a send off is important so people can have closure..even just a small gathering can be enough. I like the idea of celebrating the person's life, even if it's just a few people sharing a few drinks and some nibblies and happy memories.
1 person likes this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
19 Jun 09
i had a boss whose son passed of natural causes at 39.
it just happens sometimes,though it's odd nowadays.
you might consider either buying or making him a meal for tonight.that was done for my family when my father passed of cancer.it seems small,but it was greatly appreciated by us,because the last thing on my mind that day was either eating or making dinner.he might like the company as well.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I think I am going to fix him a few meals that he can throw in the fridge or freezer, although he would never eat anyone elses cooking before.
1 person likes this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
19 Jun 09
definetly give it a try.
if he doesn't want company,maybe ring the bell and leave it for him.
@jules67 (2788)
• Philippines
19 Jun 09
It happened 2 days ago. Possibly, he is still in a state of shock making it impossible for him to make decisions or arrangements. On cases like this , when a person has lost a loved one, it is a good idea that persons close to him could extend a help. And that is you. Perhaps you could call her relatives and informing them of what happened. There might be someone there who could also help you in the arrangement. You cannot do this alone neither your male friend. Do not be afraid to ask for help. We all need each other. My condolences to your friend.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
19 Jun 09
She has no relatives left and her step kids have nothing to do with them. I feel so bad, he is alone to deal with this. He doesn't seem to want anyone around.
1 person likes this
@jules67 (2788)
• Philippines
9 Jul 09
It is not only physical work that makes one person tired, but bad news as well.
Sometimes, it is even more draining of one's energy if you hear it every day.
That is why people need to get a vacation just to get out of the ordinary and to replenish the lost energy and regain focus.
I once had that same experience. It had totally drained me. It manifested physically. I have grown older because someone had been feeding me all the bad things happening in her life. When I felt that it was already suffocating me, I made a decision. I got myself out. And it did good for me. I deserve it. I am responsible for myself. And I love myself. 
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36445)
• United States
14 Jul 09
This would be some Shocking News to have to hear as well. Especially someone passing on at only 47. But to not even consider having any type of Service? Did the husband not think about friends and acquaintances that might want to be able to Celebrate in her life to console with the husband and make things better? I guess he might feel that this is the Best way to deal with it, but honestly I think giving someone a little bit of a Service of a rememberance is better for sure.
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
9 Jul 09
I think many people may say they want no services but really wouldn't want it that way. I'm not sure how you could help in such a situation other than to be there for your friend. Now is when he will need someone to talk to. But I believe even a small service will be better than nothing, as it gives the family some closure.
My uncle passed away suddenly several years ago from a massive heart attack. It was a shock to the entire family and I felt the same way you described. In fact I believe our entire family did. It still doesn't seem possible that he is gone.
@chertsy (3797)
• United States
22 Jun 09
I honestly just listen to them talk or babble on about things, (anything for that matter). Be a shoulder for them when they need to cry, just listen and respond when needed to when they need to talk. Honestly, after I lost my brother almost 11 years ago. I didn't really have anyone that was there for me. The only support I found was online and that's sad if you think about it. If you can't be there in person to offer support, you can do it over the phone, or via email. You can also mention support groups for people that have lost loved ones. That way he can talk to others that have been through this, and they can offer better advice and help.
I hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@eaforeman6 (8979)
• United States
9 Jul 09
You listened and you allowed him to talk and share time with someone. It was good that you could just be there. It can mean so much. I would say maybe some food and an offer to listen if he wants to talk.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
20 Jun 09
this is very bad news
and yes like you, I am tired of bad news
as if life never gets better every year
even if there are good moments, bad moments will come flooding covering them
so sorry to hear this. your friend must be in very deep shock.
I hope he can find strength living without her
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
20 Jun 09
It just seems like it is never ending. Everything happens at once. I hope he this doesn't send him over the edge.
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
24 Jun 09
yeah in times like this, living is already hard
in his situation must be three times harder to keep living
hope he will find strength and support from family and friends
@teapotmommommerced (10359)
• United States
21 Jun 09
ON no what bad news. I have stopped and said a prayer for him. Take him food and be there if he needs anything. Run errands if he needs anything. Did they have children maybe you can do something like that or do some calling for him.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend.
@dragon54u (31633)
• United States
21 Jun 09
I've thought about this all day. I guess the only think you can do for your friend is to be there when he needs to talk. Usually, there is some kind of memorial but if that's how she wanted it, you have to honor it. What a horrible way for a spouse to die, that poor man!
1 person likes this
@candy2306 (576)
• India
20 Jun 09
My deepest condolence to your friend. I think you should respect his wish and check with him now and than if he needs any help. He has lost his wife, he needs some space to take decision. What you're doing now is great! Just pray behalf of him, may her soul Rest In Peace.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
20 Jun 09
Oh, I think just being there to listen was probably very important at that time and probably all that your friend needed. If you feel the need to do more, people in that situation often appreciate a few groceries, because one finding himself suddenly alone probably doesn't feel much like going shopping, yet the living still have to eat.
What a shock that must have been, indeed. It is good that she passed peacefully, though, without trauma or pain. Some linger for a long time in great discomfort, so as untimely as this was, there is some small solace in that, I hope.
Graveside services are more important in some cultures than in others. My family does not go in for that sort of thing, so I don't find it unusual at all to skip them. When you think about it, those sort of arrangements are intended to be of more benefit to the living than to the deceased, and are usually costly, even when modest.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
19 Jun 09
Seems like that is all u hear, doesn't it? i'm sorry about your friend's wife. T hat os so sad & she was so young. I HAVE KNOWN PEOPLE WHO HAD who wanted no services but i'm like u it seems strange not to. The only thing i could suggest & i have done this is to make a donation in her name somwhere. i often use the library or their church, something that they were close to.
@nraisor (59)
• United States
20 Jun 09
First off, I am very sorry for your loss. Losing someone is hard enough, but when its so unexpected, it makes it even worse I think. Secondly, your friend is probably at a loss as to what he should be doing or even feeling. And perhaps being alone is the only way that he knows how to deal with the grief. My advice would be to make sure that he knows you're there for him, if he needs to talk or anything but let him call the shots. Often forcing someone who is grieving to talk, will only make matters worse. Make sure that you call him often, let him talk, offer to visit, but other than that, just let him grieve as he needs. Its hard in these situations to know how much is too much. Just go with your gut, its usually right.
