Would You Continue??  |
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I've written the first 300 words of a story, and I'm just wondering...would you continue reading!? Did I do enough with the beginning, or do I need to work on it to hook more people?
Molly stared out her window, watching Starburst sleep in the tree. The cat’s orange body stretched across a large branch, bright in the moonlight. His ears and nose twitched, his body shuttered involuntarily. Starburst whipped his head up and gazed at the moon. He stood up, never lowering his eyes from the sky. Molly watched Starburst pace back and forth on the branch, looking up the whole time. Then he froze; stare fixed, ears alert. Something snapped. Starburst arched his back, hackles raised, and hissed wildly at the moon. He threw himself backwards until he hit the tree’s body. He spun around and dug his claws into the bark. He continued to hiss at the moon as he held the tree. Molly screamed when her cat flung himself from the tree and hit the ground, his back leg bending unnaturally. Starburst ignored the break and streaked across the yard, hissing the entire way. Thomas staggered out the front door in his boxers, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Molly bounded out from behind him. Thomas grabbed her arm, “whoa! Now just hold on.” “Daddy we’ve got to find him! He hurt himself!” “You need to go back inside, you shouldn’t even be awake.” Jane appeared at the door, tying a robe around herself. “Molly come on. Daddy’ll get him.” Jane took her daughters hand and led her back inside. Thomas searched around the house for the cat, but ten minutes later went back into the house empty handed. Molly let out a small cry. “Honey, he’s probably out running around.” “But he fell out of the tree!” “He’s a cat. That didn’t hurt him. He probably saw a mouse. He’ll be back in the morning for breakfast, you’ll see. Now, time to go back to bed!” Thomas and Jane led their daughter back to her room, and tucked her in. They kissed her goodnight and returned to bed. Molly stared out her window, the moon shone bright in the black sky.
Thanks so much for reading, and any comments you have!!! I invite CONSTRUCTIVE critism with open arms!!!!
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1. tutul0045 (1266) | 3 months ago | Hey lily, Well what i can say is you have good writing skills. You can always develop it further and improve even more. I read your story and I wonder whether you are writing a suspense novel . Hmm.. I cannot criticize it as iam not a very good writer. I like to read and reading yr descriptions was fun. The cat’s orange body stretched across a large branch, bright in the moonlight. His ears and nose twitched, his body shuttered involuntarily. I found this part very attractive.
Love to read your entire story and keep us updated.
Cheers, Tutul
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Let's just say...the cat knows something we (people) don't! lol
Believe me...if I ever get a story published my friends at mylot will hear about it! lol.
Thanks!!!
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2. loudcry (488) | 3 months ago | I would keep reading this book, because it has stirred up some curiosity. What has happened to the cat? Why was he hissing at the moon? This story could go many places from here. Do you already have the theme and plot of the book in mind. The most important criteria I use to judge a book is its theme. The second aspect will be the plot. A thick plot can be interesting, however it has to be subservient to the theme.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Yes, I already have an idea for this story...in fact I started it once before (in a completely different way)...and one day while I was typing some of it I realized I wasnt happy with it. So I thought up some new ways too approach it and I came up with this beginning this morning:) I'm much happier with it so far!
I actually forgot to add something to the beginning...so you can help me decide whether or not to add it!:P At the end of this I wanted to add something about a dog howling down the street or something...that sound good or do I have enough now?
Thanks loudcry!:)
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loudcry (488) | 3 months ago | A dog? Kids find animals very interesting. Is this a children's book?
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 2 months ago | No, it's not a childrens story.
The dog wouldn't actually be in the story, I would just be mentioning a dog howling...I think it may add to mystery as to why the cat freaked out.
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loudcry (488) | 2 months ago | Hmmm, well,do keep us mylotter updated about the book.Just be careful about copyright infringement problems as someone above has mentioned.
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3. millertime (230) | 3 months ago | Oh ya, I'm hooked. I would definitely have to keep reading to see what spooked the kittie. It sounds like you might have several book ideas you're working on. I hope you succeed and get published. It's something that I've always wanted to do too but I know I'm not that good of a writer. You've definitely got a good start here though.
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4. suspenseful (17124) | 3 months ago | Well it seems obvious that the cat was not acting like a cat. It sounds like the start of a good horror novel. But him whipping and gazing seems rather incongruous. If Starburst's body was taken over by an evil force like a demon, he would not just gaze at the moon, he would look at it in a sort of hypnotic trance as if he was no longer a cat. However if the cat recognized something that humans could not detect, he would act the same way - instinct to danger and that would mean that the evil force thrust the cat against the tree. (good thing they have nine lives( So there are in my mind two possiblities, a horror movie about demonic possession or invasion from outer space. It is a good start, shows ominous danger and better then the going down in the basement where the killer lurks scenerio in many movies.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Thanks suspenseful!:) The cat is NOT possessed:D hehe...I actually probably wouldn't do well with that considering it scares the crap out of me!:P
Nothing threw the cat against the tree-he did everything to himself just out of the fear. When he bumped into it as he was backin up he just reacted by grabbing on to it.
I'm glad you liked it!!!:D
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | LOL! Maybe I should add a crazy cat lady to my story!;P But nooo that's not what this story is about!
There are some things that I put in the beginning to show just how frightened the cat is...for example, he runs on a broken leg--which I woudl imagine takes effort! lol
The cat does fixate on the moon the most during his fit--and that does have to do with the story:D
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | lol there's nothing wrong with having a good imagination!!! Mine is really crazy too!:P lol
My story isn't really for kids/families--it'll get pretty graphic. It's more of a horror/suspense story.
Luckily my dad is interested in writing, so I wont have to post my whole story to get it edited and critiqued...my dad has no problem telling me if something is bad lol.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Well mine won't be really bloody...just kind of..violent I guess you could say lol. I dont know! It's hard to explain!!!!!!!!! lol But I can defeniatly garuntee it isn't a family story:P
My dad tries to get me to read self editing books but...I get so bored! lol.
Thank you!:D
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5. artistry (622) | 3 months ago | ...Hi Lilyofthethorns, First of all, stop counting your words, let your story flow, write and write some more. If you are going to write, and you ask for constructive criticism, and it is too negative, will you keep writing? Write your story! Worry about whether people will keep reading when you find a publisher. Another thing, the next time you start a book, please don't post as much as you have posted here, your work could be taken and a movie could be made out of it, before you even get it published. People do some very unethical things sometimes, and using your ideas would not be something that they would think twice about. Even if no one did it, you make it too tempting. Sorry to say these things, but as one writer to another, these things crossed my mind. In fact if I were you I would see if I could have the bulk of your writing erased from the question, just a thought. I know writing is copyright protected, but how would you prove it was your idea. Take care. Keep writing.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | I wasn't counting my words as I was typing, I did just let it flow and waited to see where it went naturally!:)
Yes, I would keep writing if someone gave me constructive critism...I would take it in, and if I agreed with them I would fix it...if I didn't I would either leave it how it is or just try to edit it myself a little bit.
This small section of the beginning doesn't give away what the story is about at all! I'm not too worried about my story getting stolen or anything. If I had to worry about it I guess my post here would help establish a time line...but really, I'm not too worried!
Did you at last like the story? lol Thanks
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artistry (622) | 3 months ago | .....Hi, You are a very nice person, I thought to myself, she is going to**** you out:o), but you were gentle. I had just heard about Chris Rock being sued for possibly stealing a woman's idea for his new movie. You are a talented person, you pay attention to detail and as one reads your copy, you feel you are there with the characters. You should have a very good book when you have completed it. What some would call "a page turner". Good luck in your quest. Take care.
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6. indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | Your quite good as a writter! And I envy you too. I use to write but I dont anymore. I just, dont feel that I can do it, but anyway, this is about you so from what I read, it was quite good...
However, just to say, talk a bit more about mom and dad, I mean, mentioning how they are in a way as character so there can be more of a hook up, because I could feel Starburst more as a character that overshadowed Molly and the rest, now, unless that is what you want to capture then dont mind me!
Happy Mylotting.
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indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | Ooooooooooh even better!I love it when stories have little twists like that. Im so upset at work right now, I think Im gonna write a mistery.
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indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | Well, the computers at my job arent working that well, and whenever I check my mail or here in mylot, it only lasts like 3 minutes in session and then kicks me out. Ill call it "The day the computers died"!!! The mistery of how someone grabbed a bat and destroyed the machines.
Hehehehe Im a bitg coo coo so dont mind me!
Happy Mylotting and your story is really looking good. Even has an observation to leave as a clue.
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indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | hehehe tell me about it. Thats why I rather just write about it for my topsy turvey world Neilon. Thats a story I wrote and over there, anything can happen!Hehehehe see ya! Take care! Happy mylotting
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | lol! thats why I like writing fiction so much--you can write about anything, and go anywhere with it!! Someone smashing computers could turn into a mystery, horror, or a comedy! lol
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indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | hehehe well other than mystery I do like also the horror genre a lot. In movies, literature, you name it! And I kinda have this story that I want to write out but don t know exactly how to put it ( I hate writter´s block ), aside from the smaish computers mystery, I wanted to create this thriller script or book were its about these people in a call center (only a few) that they get really weird calls but then realizde that they are actually dead people. Yeah I know, kinda used up but trying to think of how I can make it differently.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | I like horrors too--I read Stephen King a lot. I love the mystery/suspense police thrillers lol
I HATE Writers Block too!!! Makes me crazy!!
Ooo that does sound scary..I'm not sure something like that has ever been done in a call center--so you could defeniatly figure out ways to make ti difference...UMMMMM...I dont like ghosts soooo, no offense, I might not read your story;P lol
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indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | Hehehehehe well maybe in other features its appeared just not in a call center... Ill try to figure it out.. my mins is running too fast on it too so we shall see.
How can you NOT like ghost stories? I personally dont believe that the dead are heare persay, but people do tend to get more creative with that topic than any other... though police thrillers and mysteries are making quite the comeback in books.
I know a friend who wrote something but I dont think he has published it because he´s afraid it might not be something so good..
Tell me what you think, he focused it on a call center as well, he just made it very similar to him.. I think it goes something like this, Im not quoting him but this is what I remember reading.
"Im too tired to stick around. The walls in my working place are just getting smaller and smaller to me. Im so tired of listening to people talk and talk... I should be in bed for heaven sakes... oh well, I cant complain, the pay is good and my shift will end soon enough", this is always my thought at this time of night.
I heard some hard footsteps our way, someone entered the floor, I had to get up and see what it was, it was Maury, she looked upset. "YOU GUYS!! stop what your doing and get your butts over here!... Maury, our lovely and pushy supervisor went running out again towards the reception. I was only wondering whatta heck was going on? it sure didnt seem like her, running around telling us to stop working unless it was a visit from the president or something.
"Look outside... what do you see?"
Sam: I dont see anything, is that why you pulled us off the floor?
Maury: Are you blind? look!
Maury opened the door.
Sam just stared outside... speechless he just turned around and left without saying a word.
"Maury, whats going on? Sam! hey!
(Sam hey) (Sam hey)... I heard my own voice outside. Heading towards the door, I moved quietly yet fast, it was killing my curiousity to find out what it was, Maury moved away but kept staring...
"Muary", I said, "where´s the phonebooth?, I mean I cant see a thing its pitch black and......
I looked down, I looked right, left up and down again...
"Theres no parking lot."
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | It's not that I just dont like ghost stories...it's that ghosts scare the crap out of me!:P lol
That is defeniatly a very interesting premise!! Spooky! It'd be interesting to see where your friend goes with that story! I'm curious at what's happening to the characters!!
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indybaty (249) | 3 months ago | Well Im waiting for him to keep writting... Oh no I noticed that not everything that I wrote got posted... hold on."Theres no parking lot"Maury opened the door again... placed her hand on the ground."What happened here? where's the parking lot I cant see it..." as I was getting out to get a closer look."NO DONT"!... Maury looked back, her eyes disturbingly wide. "Dont go out there". "There's no parking lot, there are no cars, theres nothing but blackness". Maury got up, not being able to stop staring outside... she went back in "Dont any of you go out there". I knealed to touch the ground... Cold, vast, air....
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Very creepy! It's defeniatly intriguing...how the heck does the whole ground just, disappear!?!?! lol. Can you imagine that actually happening too you!? No thank you!:P
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7. mybeatrice (129) | 3 months ago | hello lilyofthe thorns, I have to admit that you are really good at description a scene. I think your writing is really good! I like your writing! Are you a freelancer?
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Thank you very much!!! I'm glad you like it!
Right now I just write as a hobby. I've never tried to get anything published...but I am taking a creative writing class to improve my skills a bit!
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| 8. Luttappi (16) | 3 months ago | Please...Continue. I like it.
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9. artistry (622) | 3 months ago | ..Hi dear, that's because you have a good heart and you like people. I don't know if Chris is a thief for sure, but the woman is suing him, because she shared her idea with him, now he making a movie using the same idea. One more suggestion for you, find someone, one person, who will review your work, objectively, that you can trust. It will be great to see your work in print. Good luck to you. One more thing, when you finish the book mail a copy of the book to yourself, sign a page with the copy and date it...show that you are the author. This will be like a protection for you,if you don't get a formal copyright. Keep the package in tact, do not open it. Take care.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Ooo, well if the woman did share an idea with him--then she needs to get some credit!
Well if I actually ever do finish a story, and want to try to get it published, I will defeniatly take your advice if I dont get it copyrighted!!
Thanks artistry!:)
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10. ElicBxn (15429) | 3 months ago | Okay- I've been holding this thinking about it.
I would continue reading IF there were a few things changed.
I know you are probably going to be surprised, but orange cats don't show up well in the moon light, in fact, they are surprisingly dark, a fact that they've been successful hunters for thousands of years, because to the colorblind, they are not that different a shade from a light brown tabby.
Now, if you want to make him orange and white, with the white spots showing up, that would work.
Also, I doubt in the dark she could see his leg getting bent, but if she's little enough, she could still think he was hurt. Just cutting this phrase out "his back leg bending unnaturally. Starburst ignored the break" would allow the story to flow without much change.
are you going to post more?
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Wow! I am suprised by that, I would think that orange would be nice and bright and pretty in bright moonlight!--thank you for letting me know that!!! I will defeniatly add that the cat has white too!!
I didn't mean to sound like the little girl saw the leg bend...mentioning it was for the readers benefit. When the little girl says the cat got hurt, to me she was only saying it because she's little, saw her cat fall out of a tree, and assumes. I'll try to edit it though, some how! lol
I'm not sure if I'll post more of it or not...maybe if there is a part I'm unhappy with I might ask for help on here. But I won't post the whole story here.
Thanks for the help!!!
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ElicBxn (15429) | 3 months ago | the roomie is color blind - so she lives in a black and white world.
she kept telling me that one of our orange cats was lighter than the others, and one morning I saw them in the twilight where my color vision didn't work, and she was right. But both of them looked about the same color as Tony, who is a light brown tabby - a dilute brown, and on the cats really they didn't show up well except for the white.
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LilyoftheThorns (3804) | 3 months ago | Ooh I see! Well that is defeniatly an interesting piece of information to know for writing and stuff like that! That's my new thing I learned for the day! lol
Thanks!
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