Held my grandson for a little while question

That is the trouble with women who were unable to nurse because of no milk or in my case, no opportunity (1st baby taken for adoption, other babies too old and information on how to express milk when you are an adoptive mother came too late). We want to help, but we cannot do that much. My son helps by changing the diapers, but what can I do? I can help to feed once the baby gets the sippy cup but that will not be unable at least 6 to 8 months later. And during that time, he has his mommy and daddy.

The trouble is not that I adopted my two sons but that when I was a teenager I gave my infant daughter up for adoption. So it does hurt a bit when someone thinks that I may not have had the gumption to not surrender my daughter, but I had no one to help me and then babies were bottle fed so that I really felt it I had kept the baby, having no example of br*st feeding and not enough money to buy bottles and formula, my baby would have starved to death. I really should tell them that, but even though my sons know I did have another baby decades ago I do not want to spread the word around.
Here it is all right as I do not give my true name and I live in a large city.

I do think that most adoptive parents did not have what I went through. I heard of girls giving their babies up for adoption, but then they married and in a few months or years, they got pregnant and gave birth to their first child and later on one or two more. So they never gave up a baby and found when they married, they could not get pregnant and that is because they felt no one would marry them so why not live a wild life?
Then there is the attitudes. For those who are my age and maybe a little younger or older, when we got pregnant out of wedlock, there was only one choice adoption and it did not matter if you would have been a good mother (as in my case) or a bad mother. you had to give the baby up.
But for the younger ones, those in their 30s and 40s, and some in their 50s, they feel that you should have kept the baby and even if they say it was right for you to give the baby up for adoption, they have this back in the mind that you really do not love babies that much even though you tell them that you did not have the help then. So it is a different of attitudes and culture.

I know women who have given up a child, I know adoptive parents and adoptees. And all these people outside of the job where I was part of the registry.

I honestly think you are beating yourself up over the choices you made, or had to make.

I agree, even as late as the '70, when children out of wedlock was becoming less of a stigma than it was before, a "good" girl gave up her child if she became pregnant...

What you need to start doing is forgiving yourself, hun. Everyone makes mistakes, you can't spend the rest of your life hating yourself for making them. Things have you do affect you for life, but there is no reason not to get work on getting past them.

The trouble is that many of the girls who gave up their child for adoption, eventually married and got pregnant. But the only one I had resulted in a miscarriage and the doctor assumed that I had been pregnant numerous times and it really did not matter, but I figure it was when we were trying and I had those spontaneous miscarriages that they call something else and that miscarriage I was pregnant for a couple of months and not for a few weeks or so.
So I figure if I had not been a bad girl and my boyfriend when I was 17 had not worn a condom that broke, I would have had grown children in their twenties by now.

maybe if you hadn't had the one child early and had waited until you were married, you would've had at least one child, not necessarily more than one

I was in love with him, the guy, and my father was the type who thought I was not good enough for any man. We never had anyone over who had a son my own age or even a little older. So I was waiting for someone to marry me, but no one did. I was a failure. And the only one who did, well it was after I had been damaged.

he thought you weren't good enough, generally its the other way around, father's think there isn't a guy good enough for their little girl...

And you weren't "damaged" that's like comparing yourself to second hand shoes.

So what you weren't "untouched" that church you belonged to treated you like cr@p not letting you get married in white.

Honestly, you may have not been able to have another child, but that's also not "damaged."

There may have been some reason that you couldn't have another child, perhaps it was because you were needed to raise those adopted children of yours because they needed you more.

GRRRRR

Nothing makes me more angry than to have people I care for beating themselves up because of OTHER people's narrow minded ideas.....

If I had joined the church I am in now, that is if it were around, they would have let me marry in white. They believe that if a person sins and repents, that that sin is wiped away but that false church it was not. I do have a photo of when we were first married in my so called wedding dress, but that photo was of black and white and the photographer colored it to make it look a little whiter, that is sort of just an off white, but if you would see what my dress really looked like, it is no comparison. That is a real beige and I kept it in plastic since my marriage.

Actually I was very loving to my sons, but I was not an overly demonstrative person. I was still trying to overcome the guilt of giving my first infant for adoption and finding that because I was unable to br*st feed my adoptive sons that they may not have the increase in intelligence that babies who were nursed did. They did bet br*st milk in the hospital because they were premature, but I felt because I did not get them at birth that perhaps they suffered for it. So I had this guilt and I pretended that I gave birth to them so that I would not spoil them out of guilt and give them all sorts of things they did not need.

I knew the baby was hungry and I could not feed him. If he were bottle fed as in the old days, there would not be a problem. You see there is disadvantages as well as advantages to br*st feeding. Only the mother can take care of the infant.

I do hope she understands. I really do love children, but when so many women nurse their babies it is harder for us older ladies to hold them for a while. And there is the misinterpretation that bothers me.

I see what you mean there.. hopefully as the baby grows older, she will see how such a caring grandma you are..

I hope so. It is just that we live in another area of the city and my daughter-in-law has all her relatives close, and besides I do not drive and the bus route is very convulated getting there.

Oh.. that would be a bit hard to visit the baby often then. I'm sure there will be away, or perhaps you could make it like a fortnight visit or a monthly visit? Every effort counts.. and she will see it..

When we get the van safety checked (we have to get it done special as only a few will safety check a converted van) I was thinking of putting a plank in the car so we can put the wheelchair into our son;s house. They have a couple of small steps and it would be easy for him to get into the house and we can see the baby more often.

That is so cool. You surely have a very good family surrounding you..

I certainly think the plank is a very good idea.. that would work, I'm positive..

I will have to take to our friend about it. He is good at making things and maybe he has one in his garage. We just had our garage cleaned up so we do not have any and I have already looked downstairs. If not, my son will probably have one/

A handyman, is he.. that's so cool.
I used to get planks near my neighborhood area, because those times, people like to throw things. And I could get 1 or 2 good and sturdy ones..

My daughter-in-law br*st fed her first until she was almost a year so by the time my grandson is using the sippy cup, he will be making strange. And I would hate to see him make strange with his grandma.

I was thinking that if she had to do something else, like taking care of the two year old who is starting to feel a little jealous of the new baby, putting her milk in a bottle would help. And when I was caring for my adopted sons, I always held them, never put them down in the crib when they had their bottle. But then I read that bottle fed babies are not as smart, will get allergies, etc. and stomach upsets more then br*st fed babies. I am sure that had I gotten them sooner like just at birth, I would have been successful. If when I gave birth to the baby I had to give up for adoption and could not produce milk then I would not have felt so bad.

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I know a friend of mine who was unable to nurse and the little boy is very intelligent. I just do not like the idea of those who say because someone cannot nurse, that their babies are going to be intellectually damaged. I do wonder whether that is the reason why so many women who would have given their babies up for adoption, decide to keep them, because they are told that the adoptive mothers will be unable to nurse and their babies will have problems.

I still did not like the idea as soon as the baby fusses, I would hand him back. It is sort of like the friends of mine who had been through raising children, having had all their own and are looking forward to being alone with their husbands and being grandparents. Well I never had those five or six kids of mine own to get tired of them, so I do not like to be assumed that I am like those glad to be empty nesters, because I am not.

I am not a person to have to hold the baby when I see it I set back and watch how every one else do.
I guess they think I am mean for not doing it and I dont know why I dont do it but I never did.
Really only time I had my kids were to feed them was the same with Grand daughter that lives with me but we do hug every morning and every night! and I get good ones too!

I love holding babies. But I am shy about asking them in case they start making strange. Or needed to be fed and I do not mean some cheerios or a bottle. The other ladies the ones that are young mothers or the grandmothers they let them hold them and I feel as if it is because of my past, that they do not trust me as much.

But I never became a real grandmother, never was a real mother. The only time I carried a baby to term, I had to give her up for adoption. Now if I had adopted my sons when they were infants, that is in the first week or so, I would have had that experience but when you do not, people will wait until the baby is three months old before they let you hold him or her because they think you do not know how to hold the baby correctly.

you think to much of the past that is way gone if ya didnt harp on it maybe you would feel better holding the babies.
I just hand back if they hungry!

I think society was more unforgiving then and it seems I had a lot of bad luck then. So I need more reassurance to make up for it, that is more babies to hold and cuddle.