New marriage, new life, happy and colorful at first then ... BOOM!!!  

Hi there anjoks...
You always get hurt with your husband because you love him, that's all. But I guess, your husband is not that irresponsible. As you mentioned, he brings food on the table, and pays the bill and the only thing that bothers you is that he seems like a different person when he has problems. You have to understand that there are persons who are not very good with dealing with their problems. I would like to state an example, I too am not good with it. When i have problems especially a major one, i tend to withdraw myself from everyone. I do not like discussing it. I would spend so much time alone thinking and finding ways to solve it. My son doesn't like it. I worry him a lot everytime I do that. And so if i have a problem, i still wouldn't share it with him and i would try my best not to show it. On the other hand, my friend is the exact opposite, when faced with a problem, she becomes cranky and irritable. She blows up her temper and ends up hurting her children with her words. She tends to become very angry with the whole world.
I guess what you need to do is to talk this out with him. Tell him that you are always there for him no matter how big or small the problem is. There is no problem that cannot be solved. Don't let this ruin your marriage. Marriage for me is a blessing, having a person to love and who will love you back is probably the best gift one can have in this life.

hi anjoks I am so sorry to hear how upset you are. yes
husbands can sometimes without even meaning to really
twist us in knots.He does not sound really too bad,in
that he provides and pays all the bills, and is a good
father. so the something wrong is with his being a good
husband. Some men when they are troubled over something
tend to keep it all inside, as if they had to protect us
women, when we know damned well that something is wrong and
want them to tell us, to let us share. My husband was that
way with problems til I told him I would rather know the
worst than to wonder and make it even worse yet in my mind.
Opening up to me was a new experience to him but as we were also best friends I told him a problem shared is a problem halved.
two minds sometimes can figure something out to help that one alone could not.This did make him a much better husband. Ido not know if this is any help but I just toss it out to see if it will help. good luck hugs from hatley.

Isn't this just sauce for the goose??? What would life really be without a few problems?? Gives you an opportunity to work together and learn from it all. Few things really worth while in life come easy. Years from now you will look back and say that it was good even when it was bad.

hi anjoks how are you today?
let me tell you something about a marriage
A marriage is a lifetime commitment, both of you should remember the aim for your marriage, it's not kind of playing a game right?
A marriage is mean everything must be share between a couple. It's mean that every major decisions must involves a team decisions.

God bless You anjoks

Hi, Anjoks: From someone who has been married 40+ years, listen up. Stop your whining and crying. Let's look at the big picture and lose the fairy tale.

1. "He's a responsible father." - Score 1 for him.

2. "He GETS to pay all the bills on time?" - Whoop dee doo!! That is just what everyone wants, full responsibility for maintaining a family and keeping them with food and shelter and clothing. God forbid if he lost his job or got sick and couldn't work anymore. What would you do then? Leave? You do not know the underlying stress of being the sole breadwinner and knowing that if you take a mistep not only your life falls apart, but people you care about suffer too. It is not something that you talk about or even spend a lot of time thinking about, but the idea is always there under the surface. You bite your tongue twice before you speak out of turn on the job, in spite of how you may feel. When you get home, you want a little peace and love not a nagging mate. If you are in a bad mood, you want a little tenderness and understanding - at least for the first 30 minutes to an hour that it takes you to unwind. You may find that your husband takes his stress out on you because he can let go and not feel threatened at home.

I walked a mile in the breadwinner's shoes, so I know what it's like. Sitting at home, you may think "Sure, he gets to go out everyday and talk to other adults and have fun while I have to sit here at home with a baby and do boring stuff like clean the house and cook and watch TV." He thinks you have it easier. After all, you get to stay home and do what you want. Well, it is not easy for either of you. It's called life.

3. "But as a husband...naaahhh! ... When problems arise..." - Explain. Did the car break down? Is the baby sick? Does something need fixing around the house? Are your in-laws causing trouble for you? Is the yard going to weeds? Ahhh...he's not as romantic as he used to be? If he is the only one working, you can probably handle everything but the romance part. Take the baby to the doctor, call someone to fix or replace whatever is broke (after you get estimates and discuss it with your hubby, of course), tell your in-laws to buzz off or try to get along with them, hire a gardner (again after you've gotten an estimate and discussed it with your hubby). For the romance, that is not going to happen if you are crying and stressed out. That just upsets him more. Plan some time alone when you can be together and relaxed and uninterupted. Tell him how much you love him and appreciate him. Let him know you want to get back what you had between you when you first got married and you don't want anything to get between you that will tear you apart. Tell him how you feel when he loses his temper. Find out what he is feeling and what he needs from you. It is important that you listen and hear as well as talk. It is not all about you. Each of you have expectations that are not being met.

Two out of three ain't bad. You say you love him. Sounds like he loves you. He's just a little rough around the edges. Maybe because neither of you has developed the social skills required to keep that spark in your marriage. Sounds like life has gotten in the way. Did you live on your own before you got married? It is hard to give up that total control and get used to depending on someone else. It requires a lot of work on self to realize the problem. Add to that an explosive personality, you will have fireworks. He may have married you because you are the calm one and he needed that. You may have married him because he is the fiery one, and you need that energy.

In a nutshell:
1. Define your expectations of each other so you can each get the cooperation and satisfaction you need to keep your marriage a happy one.

2. Renew your commitment to each other.

3. Separate the romance from the reality. Marriage is a bed of roses. Just remember there are thorns on the roses. It will not always be easy. From time to time he will be tired and cranky and so will you. You will come home to your safe haven with that baggage. Recognize it and offer the solace that is needed.

4. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. Build on each other.

5. Be willing to adapt. Be flexible. Be an optimist. It's contagious.

6. Put the other first. There has to be resistance for there to be a fight.

7. Give freely without expecting anything in return. Do not do tit for tat or "I did this so now you must do that." No. No. No.

8. Crying loses its effectiveness after a while and just becomes annoying.

9. When you fight (verbal only allowed), fight fair. Do not drag out old issues or hit below the belt with mean nasty stuff that you know hurts. Stick to the facts at hand. Do it with love and with a spirit of love.

Sorry I did not mean to write a book, but this is a subject close to my heart. It would be a shame to see a marriage go down the tubes over something that can be fixed. Good luck and God bless.

anjoks,

Love is not about looking at each other; but looking together at one collective direction.

Many things in love can be salvage if we compromise especially our expectation, but exactly how much compromising must be adopted to achieve that desired peace in relationship?

Too much retrograding encourages blatant advantage-taking, while being too obstinate will hurt goodwill in relationship. Perhaps, the issue isn't so much about love, much more than compatibility as a general rule of thumb.

Being in love is free, but being in a relationship comes with a price - the price of being subjected to gruesome test of eliminating our overly individualistic perception of life and learn to manage an additional headcount, transcending every aspect of our life.

Many often lament about how my partner is unable to do this and do that - but let us look at it objectively, if it wasn't taught, then how would one learn? Following this line of argument, if it wasn't understood, then why would one allow himself to be 'taught'? And it goes round in that cycle.

People are always taught about love, it doesn't just appear from nowhere. Though love comes quintessentially natural, but natural doesn't mean that our development are enlightened or learning that promote minimal intensity or conflicts. In fact, it's usually our frictions that we burn ourselves with, bestowing us the most valuable lessons in love.

Perhaps you might want to do REAL communication (not those sugar-coated chats, fear-imbued talks or even not-getting-to-the-point conversation) to check out the discrepancy and decide how you are going to patch the chasm from there.

Loving him a lot is one thing - making it work is another.

Take care.

HEY COOL..
Every husband and wife has problems. even you will become a different person when anger occupies you.. Take my trick which i use to follow.
...control your tears as it may make things worser.
...look straight at him and dont pay attention to his words.
...count from 100 to 1 in the reverse order in your mind
...when he stops go to him and shed two drops of your tears
...just say "I LOVE YOU and SORRY"(even if he is wrong just dont mind)
...hug him and kiss him
...say how happy u r in his presence

We had difficulties for the first few years, because everything's easy in the good times: it just took us a while to find a way to compromise and work together when there are problems. If you don't mind advice, I'd talk to him about this at a time when you aren't upset about it, and ask him for his help in making a plan so that you can deal with problems together.