Sister-in-law invited hubby and me but not my sons
By mentalward
@mentalward (14690)
United States
November 24, 2011 7:31am CST
My husband's sister is having a Thanksgiving party today. She never calls me or even emails me except for jokes so all her interaction is with my husband. They're very close, probably because they're both alcoholics and get sh*tfaced drunk every time they get together. This is one reason I don't want to go to her house often. Another reason is the long drive. She lives about 300 miles away.
She invited my husband and I to come to her party which will include about 18 other people (all alcoholics). She never invited my sons. My sons are not married and the youngest (who is 27) doesn't even have a girlfriend at the moment. My family currently consists of myself and my two sons. Everyone else is dead.
So, naturally, I decided to stay home today and have a turkey-day party with just us, my oldest son's girlfriend and, since I said they could invite anyone they wanted to come over, his girlfriend's mother and sister-in-law are also coming, along with a longtime friend of mine.
My husband is still going to his sister's. He's getting ready right now. I've told him that his sister hates me now because I emailed her to let her know why I wasn't coming to her house and she had the nerve to insult me and get angry with me! All I told her was that, since my sons weren't invited, I wasn't coming, plain and simple. I wasn't angry or insulting, just that I was not going to leave my sons alone on Thanksgiving. After all, family and friends are the main reason we celebrate Thanksgiving.
She told me that I should have assumed that my sons were invited. Well, I've learned to NEVER assume anything. Plus, my husband has been planning to spend a couple of days there, at her house, and they simply do not have the room for 4 of us.
She also told me that I should have called her about this. I told her that it would have been extremely awkward for me if I asked and she really didn't want my sons coming over. (Her words "Of course I would have said certainly they can come." Well, how could I know that? She's never invited them before this in 7 years!) If my husband wouldn't talk to his sister about this issue, which he knows is a touchy issue with me since my family is so small, then I know that he doesn't want my sons coming with us, either.
She is the kind who likes to control everything and everyone around her. She's even had the nerve to tell me she wanted to "organize" my kitchen (not ask if she could)! It's organized just fine and I like where everything is now or they wouldn't be there. I guess she was insulted by that, too.
When she comes here I avoid both her and my husband because they begin drinking the moment she steps in the door and don't stop until both pass out. I guess she assumes that I am anti-social but I don't drink and despise hanging around drunks. I'm sure she's insulted by that as well.
I guess a drunk just can't understand things the way they really are, refuse to listen to what others want and, naturally, they're NEVER wrong. 
7 people like this
18 responses
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
24 Nov 11
it is more a case of the two of you not getting along than anything else After you said you wouldn't go because your sons were not invited and she said they were invited or they could come that could have been the end of it. But this hon is not about thanksgiving really it is about not getting along on a much broader level. Happy thanksgiving too you and yours
2 people like this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
25 Nov 11
you see it is much bigger than just thanksgiving as I thought.
anyhow this aloe claim got me interested and I looked it up on the net and your sister is not alone to think that way
here is one link I came up with,
http://ezinearticles.com/?Drink-Aloe-Vera-to-Cure-Over-100-Ailments---Aloe-Vera-Health-Drink-and-Juice---Easy-and-Healthy!&id=2913239
I wouldn't believe it but I guess a lot of people do.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
24 Nov 11
I should add that I've done everything in my power, including biting my tongue several times, to get along with her. She has never made that effort with me.
1 person likes this
@ravisivan (14082)
• India
25 Nov 11
mentalward --you have stated "takes aloe". What is that aloe? Is it a drink or medicine? have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
27 Nov 11
oh no poor mentalward, I so feel with you. I can understand perfectly why you didnt want to go to your sister in laws place with your husband.
Here its not my sis in law but its my brother in law. He lost his job due to drinking plus I guess he has a personality disorder close to a psychosis, then he didnt pay his rent any more and my mom in law took that loser into her house. Grrrrr. My husband cant stand the situation and avoids visits and even phone calls to his mom now.
I love my mom in law a lot but as my husband has serious heart problems by now I simply dont want to nag and beg him into us visiting his mom. I feel that it would be a huge setback for him to have to cope with his no good brother even for a few hours.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
9 Dec 11
hi mentalward. sorry for not getting back to you sooner but have not been online much the last two weekends. I was knee deep in Christmas Preparations now the only thing left to do is pack a few bigger parcels and then prepare the e mailed cards for the holidays. LOL.
We have solved the problem now. My dear husband understands that we cant just stay here and not see his mom soooooo in order to not have Christmas ruined by this drunkard we will get there Dec 20th so that means two days, Dec 31 and Jan 1 to unwind after the drama awaiting us there.
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
27 Nov 11
Before we were married, he didn't drink nearly as much as he did right after we were marrried. I guess he thought I was stuck once we were legally married. You'd think he (and everyone like him) would realize that marriage isn't as sacred as it once was and women don't have to suffer in silence anymore. Maybe he thought I'd grin and bear it because that's what his first wife did, at least for awhile (13 years!). I'm not made that way. It's taken me awhile to start the divorce process because I wasn't in a position to be on my own for a long time. Now, I'm almost there. Of course, after I divorce this idiot, I won't be looking for the next one. I'm finished! I just don't trust my own judgment anymore. I tend to make excuses for idiots and I'm just tired of it.
2 people like this
@cerebellum (3863)
• United States
25 Nov 11
You were right to want to spend the day with your sons. She should have indicated that your sons were included when she invited you. I can understand people not wanting children at weddings or some function like that where there will be a lot of drinking, but Thanksgiving is for family! Anyway your sons are old enough that they shouldn't be considered "children". I hate to be around drunks! I don't know how you can stand being around one all of the time!I hope you had a nice day in spite of everything!
@ravisivan (14082)
• India
24 Nov 11
mentalward -- Probably I am posting response in your discussion for the first time.
Nice to know about your thanksgiving party in your own place--that is really good. You have reasons why you cannot go --far away and lack of space in your sister inlaw's house. If you go you may have to take a hotel and stay.
I know you are affected by their drinking too much which is fair enough--I also do not drink- because it is not in our culture to take drinks.
I feel what you have done is quite right. Do not feel bad. Let your husband go and return. You need not get angry in your sister in law not inviting. It is quite common nowadays. Status difference, qualification difference, likes differences make people to form groups and in that you are in order in nto joining a party of people who drink heavily.
Happy thanks giving day.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
24 Nov 11
Thank you, ravisivan. I am much happier staying right here with people who really care about each other than to spend the day with a bunch of drunks, especially ones who insist that they are correct in every aspect of not only their lives but the lives of everyone else.
1 person likes this
@ravisivan (14082)
• India
25 Nov 11
Hope you are enjoying Thanksgiving day night nicely. Take care of your son and his people in your place. At the same time be on nice terms with sister in law also. Do you work in some company or taking care of home only? have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@Rick1950 (1573)
• Lima, Peru
25 Nov 11
Well, I'd like to wish you a happy Thanksgiving's Day. I think you're right if you decided to spend this day with your children. Besides like you say there was no enough room for all of you in that house which is 300 miles far away. I think your sister-in-law shouldn't make a big matter if you prefered to be together with your family and not with her. If you don't like to gather much time with people who drink a lot then they should understand your choice. 
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
25 Nov 11
You did the right thing Marti. I would have done the same. It's useless to spoil our precious time by being with people who matter less. We must learn to say no or yes and put our foot down when it comes to our loved ones. What is thanksgiving without family! I am really proud of you Marti once again. Enjoy and be fine. 
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
25 Nov 11
Thank you, mimpi! I enjoyed myself more than I have in such a long time! Everyone who came to my house had an excellent time. We talked and laughed and ate too much. LOL
Not only am I glad that I didn't go to my SIL's but I'm glad my husband did. If he had been here, he probably would have spent the day in his office or bedroom because he's so anti-social. That's most likely because he can't relate to people unless they're drunk.
He's still there so I'm truly enjoying myself, even though everyone has gone home. My youngest son is coming here tonight when he gets off work and spending the night so he can help me get everything put away. I'm so sore from all the cleaning and cooking that I just left everything until I felt better so he offered to help. I have good sons.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31633)
• United States
24 Nov 11
You did exactly the right thing by not playing into her passive/aggressive bull crap. I know people like this and not specifically inviting your sons is a way to make you (or try to) contact her in such a way that she controls everything and puts you at a disadvantage. It's nothing but a cheap power play. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself even when she chose to make it into a confrontation.
I think you'll have a wonderful day! Let your hubby and in-laws drink away the holidays while you enjoy the love and companionship of family and friends. You just have fun and don't worry about those two. An insult is only an insult if you allow it to be and nobody can make you feel anything, you allow them to. You're doing really well at staying in control and not giving them power over you--hooray for you!
Happy Thanksgiving!
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
24 Nov 11
You're so right about this being passive/aggressive bull crap. She tried to make me feel bad that I was hurt that she didn't invite my sons. Well, it didn't work.
I totally lost respect for my sister-in-law the last time she visited us when she got drunk and told us of how she handled her own step-daughter, who is about 12 years old. They were making her change schools and she didn't want to, understandably. YOu make friends and don't want to leave them. But, my sister-in-law started mimicking this 12-year-old in a whiney, strongly exaggerated way, "but I don't like this school, I don't want to go to this school, I want to go to my old school...". This woman is 50 years old and here she is, saying this to her 12-year-old step-daughter, mimicking her and making her cry. AND she seemed proud of it! I have NEVER spoken to my children like that!
Well, she's proven over and over that she really is what my husband says, "She's as dumb as a rock." If she only knew that he said that about her, she'd be devastated, but I've always held my tongue about that because I wouldn't want to intentionally hurt her, even though I've lost all respect for her.
That entire family has issues, so many that I've never been able to even try to get close to any of them. My husband's still going there after he knew that it really upset me about my sons not being invited is par for the course. He just said, "I don't know what to say" and off he went. Naturally, he will side with his sister in this because they get drunk together every single time they get together and she agrees with everything he says, stroking his ego. In turn, he gives her money. Really warped family, in my opinion. THOSE two should have gotten married. Wouldn't be any sicker than they are already, in my opinion, although he said there's no way he could live with her. Really sick family.
I'll be glad when I'm out of it. HOPEFULLY, that won't be too long. Right now, I'm going to enjoy the heck out of this day with my family and friends coming over.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Nov 11
hi mentalward wow you are calm. me I would be so hurt if my husband abandoned me on thanksgiving for his sister just so they could end u p drunk.If my son had not been incl uded in an inviation I too would have just stayed home and made my own thanks giving dinner.
this has to hurt for you but I am getting the feeling that things are not too great between you and your husband. happy Thanksgiving and hope things get bett er for you. if my husband had done that to me he would have been facing a divorce for sure hugs from hatley. however i a m a widow now many years.
1 person likes this
@dodo19 (48156)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
26 Nov 11
I think that you did the right thing. After all, I do think that thanksgiving should be about family, and I don't think that it's worth spending it away from you son, and spending it with people that you don't seem particularly fond of. From what you've said, it seems that she was overreacting a little, and not understand what you meant, and such. I don't think that it was the best for her to approach the subject. But this is just what I think, based on what you've said.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
24 Nov 11
OMG, i know exactly how you feel having had the same types of experiences with drunk! wish you could meet my son
we dont drink here either. Over time i have learned to hate drunks. we need a clubMy daughter made a wonderful meal here with everything. its her first day off work after 7 days. her fiance got up all depressed saying it doesnt seem like a holiday, no body is drinking. 
seems his family is the same way, drinks all day nearly every day. geesh. he hasnt eaten yet.
we dont drink here either. Over time i have learned to hate drunks. we need a clubMy daughter made a wonderful meal here with everything. its her first day off work after 7 days. her fiance got up all depressed saying it doesnt seem like a holiday, no body is drinking. seems his family is the same way, drinks all day nearly every day. geesh. he hasnt eaten yet. @JenInTN (27514)
• United States
25 Nov 11
Hi mentalward! I think that Thanksgiving should be spent in a place that you can feel thankful...not sounding like the sister-in-laws place is it. There is no way that someone who doesn't drink can stand to be around a bunch of drinkers for long. I couldn't. I don't have anything at all against a few drinks but to get smashed...not my cup of tea at all. I think you will be a ton happier spending it at home. If she's mad..that's her problem. Take care.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
24 Nov 11
Hi Mentalward! Don't feel bad. I can't stand drunks either. She has some audacity to treat you the way she does. You have a good time with your sons and their guests. I'm at my adopted Mama's house. We are going to eat about 4. I made a snack to tie me over until we eat. Have a wonderful day
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
30 Nov 11
Good for you. I certainly would not enjoy the drama either. Unbelievable how insulting some people can be, only to turn it around, and try to blame the innocent! You did the right thing, and I bet your sons were as happy as you.
@moonlitmagikchild (22181)
• United States
16 Apr 12
what a nutjob! im with you in not assuming! i think it would have been rude to assume and brought them because you just never know and why she didnt get with both of you is crazy unless your husband is the type to fill you which mine is when he remembers which is NEVER.
@Xansus (946)
• Bulgaria
9 Dec 11
Well with such controling person i dont want to get involved too . This sounds practicly insane the way i see it . Me and my mother most of the time were in pack and that was no problem to all of our friends all around our home town , and if they invated her , they always included me because well they know i normally hanged with her (but then i was a kid :P and not that i wanted to )
But well i too hate drunkards , they really start getting bossy and nervious and thats just not good for a party , i think its going to be fail if all are not drunk on the same level . So i think its better not to go anyway , that she did not include them was very good for you to have a great reason to cut off the invitation .
@telmesh (1793)
•
25 Nov 11
Hi mentalward you have good reasons to be stopping home and having a small party of your own. It's seems your husband can visit his sister and do the things he likes to do (hic). Family should be close and it's good that you can let him go and let his hair down without it upsetting your thanksgiving. You can also enjoy your time with your two sons and friend and celebrate in your way, which I'm sure will be a great success.
HAPPY THANKS GIVING
