Bad mom teaching unethical behavior
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
May 25, 2011 2:45pm CST
That bad mom is me, by the way.
Dearra has had a bad headache since Monday night. It's finals week so she's been toughing it out, but then I've been picking her up. This morning she had a science final and PE, so I told her that if she felt bad I would pick her up before PE.
She wasn't sure whether she would stick it out or not, and she asked about the pain meds that we have for her up at the nurse's station. I said that those were specifically for when her teeth were hurting, so if she decided to go up there and get them, she would have to tell the nurse her teeth were bothering her.
Given the school system's zero tolerance for drugs laws, she can't even bring so much as a Midol to school. I know it's for their own safety, but sometimes it makes things too complicated when somebody doesn't feel well.
As it turns out, she just had me pick her up from PE, and I gave her some Tylenol when we got home.
But here's the point. I just basically taught my daughter that I was OK with telling little white lies, and I hope she has the maturity to tell the difference between that, and a lie that was done with bad intentions.
What do you think about that?
10 people like this
36 responses
@GardenGerty (157865)
• United States
25 May 11
And the school would have accused you of coddling her if you had kept her at home and requested a chance for her to retake her finals.
1 person likes this
@dodo19 (47133)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
26 May 11
I would say you're a bad mom. You wanted your child to not be in pain anymore. You wanted her to feel better. I'm sure that that's exactly what most parents want. Okay, sure it's not always right to lie, and I'm not trying to say that I'm all for it, but sometimes telling little white lies aren't entirely as bad as just constantly lying. Plus, she was telling a little white lie so that she could feel better. In this situation, it may not be such a bad thing. At least in this case. It didn't really seem to hurt anyone. So long as it doesn't happen all the time.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
25 May 11
geee, I wish we had some of the meds when I was in school that we have today, I went over 10 years (3 middle, 3 high, 4 college) with splitting headaches most of the time... have you talked to the doc about Imitrex?
Aren't you glad summer is nearly here?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159936)
• Boise, Idaho
25 May 11
A lie is a lie. And basically what you seem to teaching her is how to around the laws set down for her own safety. She may say she understands and all but what is her thinking telling her? You this this time and then fudge on something else and before you know it you have taught your kids its okay.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 May 11
Some laws really don't make sense though. And some, set up in the guise of being for our own safety, really are more sinister. Where do you draw the line? Or are you advocating blindly following all rules and laws no matter what?
1 person likes this
@macayadann (1235)
• Philippines
25 May 11
They say it is white because it is a lighter lie. Even if we are far from our kids and not seeing them, they do commit that act because in so doing they are trying to defend and protect themselves. Just like us before, even if our mothers taught us not to lie but still we kept doing it until we have reached our maturity that the intense of changing the color from white to off white and even getting to black just to defend what we are fighting for. For sure we are doing this because we have our reasons in doing so because if not,things might get worse. We sometimes lie because we are into seeing the bad outcome and because we have the mother instinct and we care so much to the extent of telling lies. For sure they will do the same when they become parents too and they will understand.
@macayadann (1235)
• Philippines
25 May 11
Surprised, you answered fast. Anyway, you are one of the best moms because I can feel as I read your posts that you attend to them with so much care.And so no sin committed.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157865)
• United States
25 May 11
That is a hard one in a way, but you are also teaching her about knowing her own body. Why has she had this headache? Is it possible that the headache is caused by her teeth? I have known of a mom who taught her daughter to call her at work to get her off work, but then is surprised when the girl lies like a trooper. I think it is dependent on the reason for the lie. In this case the reason was so that she could go ahead and stay at school. I think she may be mature enough to tell the difference.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157865)
• United States
25 May 11
Oh, yuck, sounds like the cold I had earlier this spring.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
25 May 11
uh oh, guess im a bad mom to. ive done that many times for my kids benefit. but i do think most have the presents of mind to tell the difference in bad and sometimes very much needed lies for the sake of good. mine seems to have learned the right way in spite of that. 
@consejorogelio (82)
• Mexico
26 May 11
Hey bunnybon7,
I think it is necessary to lie sometimes and under certain conditions. Kids learn by watching you so actually if you are not the kind of person who tells "bad" lies they just wouldn't learn them. Still I believe that it is best if they also learn how to make that kind of lies and they understand their effect and possible consequences (which actually can vary a lot) because that way he will be protected against them.
Think about it, the world is not a perfect place and thus your child should not be fit to live in a perfect place. He should be fit to change the environment to make it a more perfect place to live in, but that is not the same thing as having learn how to live in an utopia.
Sometimes we even lie without knowing it because we didn't know better. We answer a question thinking that we are telling the truth and yet we are wrong. That is a kind of lie. I mean, think about that.
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
27 May 11
Hi dawnald, This can happen with most of us parents. At the same time your daughter must have realised the intention behind it, and, I feel that is what is more important.As she grows up she will be able to distinguish between the sensitive issues where telling lies are concerned. We all do it at different times when the situation demands it..
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
yeah, and she does have a good idea of when it would be totally wrong.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
I bet the school would see it differently...
@marguicha (216342)
• Chile
26 May 11
You know you did just what you had to do. And you know Dearra. She is not a little girl anymore and I bet she could give you a lecture on white lies. But maybe, if you are worried about it, you could both talk about white lies over an icecream.
I remember when my kids were teens many times they asked me my opinion (not that they would follow it always). I had to answer truthfully that there was a "mom´s answer" and another "what I really think" answer. Sometimes they were contradictory. We are persons, not only moms. And whatever our flaws, we love the little devils
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 11
Yeah, true. Like this mom doesn't really think there's anything that ought to be illegal about smoking pot. But I sure as hell aren't going to tell my kids that at this age, being as it's illegal and all.
@marguicha (216342)
• Chile
26 May 11
There are so many things that are worse than smoking pot and are legal! Maybe that´s another conversation between you two. But You don´t really have to show all your cards, you can ask her what she thinks.
Maybe that´s another conversation between you two. But You don´t really have to show all your cards, you can ask her what she thinks.
@much2say (53941)
• Los Angeles, California
25 May 11
Well, I think Dearra is old enough, but more than that - is SMART enough to understand the differences. Actually I think you are teaching her to be PRACTICAL! Thank goodness schools have better rules about things than when were kids, and you're right it's for their safety . . . but its good to teach kids how to think outside the box to solve certain problems in life. I've even bent some of the school rules as per the advice of my daughter's kindergarten teacher - she even things some of the school rules are too strict about things.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 May 11
I definitely don't want her to be a little robot who follows the rules no matter what. Some things should be questioned...
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
26 May 11
I am sure your daughter is smart enough to know what is real, and what is a lie, and knows you are doing this with Good intentions. Makes me wonder sometimes though when schools do this, how they handle people needing to take medications and such for real pain and problems. The zero tolerance should be maybe changed a little, or does it really depend on a case by case basis? Or people on medications have to leave them at a nurses station? Just thinking about the possible child diabetics or other issues out there.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 11
I guess the parent has to pick the child up first. The school won't dispense anything without a doctor's OK.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 May 11
Though I do think your daughter is mature enough to make out the difference between a little white lie said with good intentions and an outright lie, I'm just wondering if there could be another option without having to lie.
Like for example, dropping the medicine with the nurse and telling her that Dearra has been having headaches all week and that she might need them.Then she wouldn't need to lie, would she?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
Based on my previous experience with Dearra's teeth, the nurse will require a note with a doctor's signature. And the nurse already has pain meds for her, it's just that they're specifically for her teeth.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
27 May 11
I think its perfectly normal and OK…even, a part of normal training that a child needs to grow up as a self-sufficient adult. There was a time when we were told that its bad to tell a lie but kids were never taught how to get out of small tricky situations which we all face later in life. my point is that if we teach our kids these small white lies and their consequences and the times when they can / cannot be used at all, it makes the kids grow more matured with a clear perspective of how to handle situations better and not depend on somebody else to bail you out everytime. Its better than allowing a child to grow up with clear black & white values and then finding that the world has so many grey shades which the child obviously cant handle properly and makes a complete fool of himself / herself.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (99102)
• India
27 May 11
White lies are so much part and parcel of our lives out here, you'd be laughed at if you called it a lie. Somebody asks am I looking nice, you think that dress is disgusting, but you dont have a heart to say so because the person has already spent a fortune buying that awful thing. So what do you say to that? Of course, you are looking great and leave them some satisfaction for the money they spent.
Same goes with any cooking. Or when I want to avoid somebody, and cant come up with any acceptable reason instantaneously. I admit I do it.
Now, I would feel bad if what I did or uttered hurt somebody. That would be heavy on my conscience. Others - I tend to dust it off. In fact, in these days and times, it is necessary to be open to such things otherwise it would be so easy to get cheated.
1 person likes this
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
26 May 11
I think that's the same problem I have as a parent. Sometimes, I inadvertently teach my kids how to lie, just because I try to protect them.
That's my bad.
From the many discussions you have here about Dearra, I think she is smart enough to know the difference. So, you need not worry about that.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 11
I think she is too. But I was wondering how I would feel if she used a "little white lie" on me...
@stagnacious (9)
•
27 May 11
When I was in high school (and that wasn't all that long ago) I brought my own pain meds to school and so did everyone else.
If she's having a hard time with headaches or migraines then cut her some slack. Let tell a little white lie sometimes and let her off the hook. My mom did and, although I wouldn't abuse it, some kids would. You just have to know whether you raised your kid that way or not.
As long as your daughter is getting good grades I don't see a reason to fret. :]
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
I'm not worried about it, I 'm just interested in what everybody else has to say.
