I have no idea what a good title for this discussion is.
By Amber
@AmbiePam (120917)
United States
September 8, 2011 6:03am CST
Yesterday the song Mean by Taylor Swift came on the radio and I immediately thought of my sister. And then I felt badly for associating in my mind, my sister and a song titled Mean. And it wasn't just the title of the song. The lyrics fit her so well. And I've got to quit that. So I'm thinking, do you ever wonder if the problem is really the person you think it is, or is the problem you? Say you are not getting along with someone. Do you always assume it isn't you who is mainly at fault? Or are you aware of when you share the responsibility of not getting along.
In my sister's case I would love to be best friends with her. That is not likely to happen. The last time I saw her, a couple of weeks ago, she said to me when I talked of being closer with her, "Amber, if we weren't sisters, do you even think we'd like each other?" I didn't answer, but if I thought about it I would probably agree with her. If we weren't sisters we would not be friends. But the point is we ARE sisters. Most of you know my history with her. I've done all I know how to do to be a good sister and I think I am. But sometimes I can't help think of how much of my life I devote to my parents while I'm on disability, yet she never calls or e-mails me unless I am the one to initiate the contact. And that lack of support considering she is the only one in the family doing well right now, doesn't anger me, but at times when I don't expect it, hurt wells up in my heart. She is married and living a good life a couple of hours away. You'd say well her life isn't perfect. Of course not! But she is really happy. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I look for ways I could be at fault so I can fix it. Do you do that? I would like to think I'm aware of when I'm in the wrong. I hope I do. What about you?
9 people like this
18 responses
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Well you are a better person than I am.
I believe the rest of the world is nucking futs and I'm the only sane one in it!
4 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Hi Kats! Haven't seen you in a while.. I love your expression nucking futs.. I'll have to remember that one when I don't want to actually cuss! hehe.
3 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
9 Sep 11
@Kat. You are the best
We had a friend from the U.K. who came out to visit us on the Island. He was obviously not used to the heat and so used to say that it was hocking fotThanks for the laugh!
We had a friend from the U.K. who came out to visit us on the Island. He was obviously not used to the heat and so used to say that it was hocking fotThanks for the laugh!3 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Don't feel bad and think that you are doing something wrong. She is the one at fault. It sounds as if she is the one that turned her back. I do get along with my sister, but we are not real close either.
4 people like this
@GardenGerty (169490)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Most of the time I try to give everyone the benefit of a doubt, when it comes to relationships, but oh, sometimes, even though I know I am wrong, I hug my self righteous self and cling to my obstinate and maybe hurtful ways. It never feels good when I do that, though. I know I would not be friends with my older sister, if we were not related, but I am and as my brother says about her sometimes "We may not agree with her about a lot of things or about her choices, but she is ours and nobody better pick on her." I have a harder time, really, carrying this to brothers and sisters in Christ, that God tells me to love, and I do not even like them. I still choose to act in a loving manner. Honey, I know if you dwell on the seeming injustice of the situation, your heart does hurt, but do count your blessings for the "un family" you have in other places, like on MyLot.
3 people like this
@jillhill (37353)
• United States
8 Sep 11
I do think that stepping back...and just waiting for her to iniatiate the contact might be a good idea....people can't stand to be ignored. And in the time it takes to wait....she might actually miss you and the contact she has with you...if she asks just tell her that you have been busy....really. I know this worked with my sister....my older one as we had a blow out...and then I just stepped back. She was alot like your sister...no more! I will never totally trust her again...but our relationship is so much better...but it was a year without talking to each other! Yup.....it was hard because we are family....but she needed to realize what had transpired. I had 50 years of pent up anger at her...and I let it all off in one big blow up. So....now we are a bit closer....and actually have fun together. Like your sister...if she wasn't my sister I don't think I would have went out of my way to be her friend. Her whole life is totally opposite of mine.
3 people like this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Amber, I know that is my sister and I were not related, we would be enemies, so don't feel bad.. I also have a few songs where I think of my sister, like Makeshift3's song, "Vilification in Outline" and then there is Casting Crown's song, "Slow Fade" and Sanctus Real's song, "Lead Me" That I play hoping my husband gets the hint Of course neither of them realize that when I listen to this music, I think of them, but maybe that is like my other friend's post about being smart or wise, my sister and husband might be smart, but they are not wise in seeing that maybe they are hurting others with their actions.
This might be the case with you and your sister. I am not saying you are not smart, I don't know how smart you are other than you write good posts and replies to my posts..But I do know you are a kind and wise person. So quit beating yourself up, if a song helps you deal with your sister, and if you really feel bad about it, ask G♥d for what you should do. I think I should too, because though all three of these songs are Christian, am I judging my sister and husband, when it isn't even my job too, even if I am correct i what they do???
Something for us both to think about..
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Ambie, i'm sorry about your sister. I didn't know about y'all relationship but i find it very sad that she has chosen to be the way she is by u.My mother & i had that kind of relationship so i certainly know how hurtful family can be. I lost my only sister in 1962 & i envy anyone who has a good sibling. I'm sorry u do. U have alot of friends on here but i know they can't replace your sister who doesn't want to be friends w/u.That was a tacky thing for her to ask u.
@ElicBxn (64169)
• United States
9 Sep 11
I freely admit that part of my problems with my brother are my fault, but not most of them.
I realize that I could be more patient with him, but honestly, I already have ceded him absolute knowledge about every except, Doctor Who, Classic Trek and written SF/F - he's only give me horses...
2 people like this
I told my sister she owes me for introducing her to her favorite show of all time - The X-files.
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Sep 11
I truly am sorry, dear Ambie, that this situation is so real, and in your face. I TRULY do believe, that there are persons on this earth, that we are totally Polar Opposites with. No matter how much effort we put into bridging that gap, it will NEVER happen...and we recriminate ourselves, by looking inwards, and carrying the burden of the grief. I, too, have a similar relationship with my half-sister! We can only be in each other's realm for a short period of time. I am hoping, to relieve some of your heart-ache, you will be able to accept that this is just the way she is, otherwise your heart will consistenly be broken! This is very difficult for you...but you're GOOD and STRONG, Ambie! @Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Sep 11
hi ambie p am I really don't think you did anything wrong.
What she said to you had to be one of the crueler things I
have seen relatives do to one another.That was so unkind
and she do es not seem to have the warmth you have. No matter
hgow she feels, really she should not have said such
a vile thing. like passing the buck in a way. Don't beat
yourself up over her. WE can choose our friends b ut
sadly we are stuck with our relatives the fault i see
lies with her.She is one cold creature I t hink.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
10 Sep 11
Oh my dear sweet Amber! I'm so sorry I never got back to you. I haven't
been here much lately. Actually, I've been nowhere, just miserable quietly
keeping to myself. I was thrilled to read your (PM) and would rather talk
to you there, but must respond to this discussion first. You know that
you are not at fault in anyway when it comes to your sister! She is a
selfish person (sorry to say). She should be the one to try harder to help
out with the "family issues", yet she doesn't bother to even try! So she is
married? She is so wrapped up in her life that she can't be there for
her parents and sister when she is needed? Sorry, Amber there isn't any
excuse for her, she doesn't even have kids! I know you keep trying with her
but don't let her twist things around. She pretty much doesn't care and
I know I wouldn't want to be her friend and certainly not her sister either!
But, you will always be my "Lil Sis", forever and always and I will always
be here for! Love, Les
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
9 Sep 11
Do not be a doormat for your sister. You have done everything that you can do to have a better relationship with your sister but regretfully she doesn't really want to have a closer friendship with you. I do not think that you can do anything else my friend. You have done it all. be proud of what you have done and always be pleasant to you but she doesn't want to be closer
2 people like this
@saphrina (31551)
• South Africa
8 Sep 11
Hi sweetie.
No offense, but that was one nasty answer she gave you.
I know sisters can have some good fights and arguments, but that, a bog NO.
I wish i could have a word or with that sister of yours.
Just smile and move on, okay.
No matter how hard it is.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
8 Sep 11
Hi Amber,
I don't know your sister, but from what I gather she has gone about her life and not supported her parents or you in any way. She maybe looks down on you and your parents for not being totally what she thinks you ought to be, like maybe you haven't reached your full potential? I don't know.. I'm just guessing. I think she is mainly at fault for kind of looking down on you. I think it is terrible to ask you if you weren't sisters would you even be friends. That in itself tells me she DOESN'T like you. That is the way it makes me feel.
I don't think you have done anything wrong. I think though, you do good to look inside yourself to see if there is anything you could do better or something you did wrong. I think I would do the same thing.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (120917)
• United States
9 Sep 11
I know she looks down on me. I'm sure about that. She doesn't look down at my parents though.
She graduated college at 16 and went to college. So did I. She got her Bachelors degree at the age of 19, then her Masters at the age of 21.
When I was 18 I was in a car accident that altered my life. And because of that I was in and out of college as my health would allow. So I've never gotten a college degree. And I am positive she looks down on me for this. But it's funny. When I was a teenager I found out I had a higher IQ than she did. But I made my mom promise not to tell her. I knew my sister felt superior to me, and I didn't want to ruin her illusion. So I'm used to her looking down on me, but that doesn't make it any less disappointing of course.
3 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
9 Sep 11
Oh Amber, that is so sad. Really it is. I think if you get the chance, you should tell her how you feel. It is so unfair that she would low rate you for the path your life took. God forbid, it could have happened to her. She could have the car accident that changes her life. She could be in a situation where she can't even scratch her own nose! God has a way of humbling people before life is over. I don't wish anything bad on her, but her life could be changed in a twinkling of an eye. My heart just aches for you dear one! I'm fighting tears right now. Thank you for sharing this with me. I am going to pray that your sister will want to get close with you. Hugs to you!
3 people like this
@daeckardt (6237)
• United States
9 Oct 11
I often feel that way about my siblings. In the case of my one sister, she is schizophrenic so I know that any problems between us has a lot to do with that. With the brother here, he is about 5 years younger than me and we older kids always treated the younger ones differently. Now we get along, but when he tries to tell me what to do all the time I get very irritated. I know that sometimes I get a little snippy with him and I try to not do that, but it usually happens before I am aware that it is happening.
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
9 Sep 11
yep. i have a daughter the very same way. no matter what i do, its wrong way to look at things and id never even be friends with her if she wasnt my daughter. its my oldest that was here a couple weeks ago. im always the one has to make up and then its sometimes not enough. shes better off then anyone in the family also. my youngest, here with me through all ive been through gets on with everyone and everyone says shes just like me. shes my gift from God this one. went through surgery with me yesterday and everything. 
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
8 Sep 11
I don't necessarily blame myself, but I always look for solutions within myself. Mostly because I can control me (sometimes LOL) but not others.
In the case of your sister, God has funny ways of connecting people. Maybe you wouldn't be friends if you weren't sisters, but that's maybe why you are sisters? Your relationship and circumstances with your sister sound very similar to my relationship and past circumstances with my brother. When first my dad, and then my mother were suffering with cancer, it was me who took care of them. My brother hardly called or visited. We've had short periods where we've gotten along well, but for the most part we don't speak. I'm still waiting for a reason for the connection.
2 people like this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
2 Oct 11
Dear Ambie I am sooo behind in mylotting now with having needed more zzzz during the last weekends and I am sorry for the late answer here.
Regarding your situation with your sister first of all you are not to blame if you think that way you described when you heard the song which fits her to a T obviously.
And I think her approach to the situation just saying, Amber would we even be friends if we were not sisters? shows enough. Obviously she tries to give you a bad conscience. Hope you wont ever fall into that trap and have a bad conscience cause you dont have a good relationship with her.
The fact she wont call you or email you to support you when in fact its you who shoulders the load of caring for your mom together with your dad, also speaks volumes. Please dont misunderstand, I dont find any fault with getting married and re locating elsewhere and not being physically available to care for aging or ailing parents. Thats life you wont cling to the place you were born and brought up. But she could call you, email you, maybe help you out financially even if its only 50 bucks a month or so instead of getting her massages every other week as they are "saving up" what ever for. It should be her first priority to help her mom and her little sister who shoulders the load.
and you could not do more than examine your heart and see that you were trying the best you could to be a good sister to her soooo if she doesnt reciprocate this to you and doesnt even praise you for what you do I think there simply is no more you can do on your part. It always takes two.
1 person likes this
