My daughter came out to me sort of and wants to transition
@shaggin (74987)
United States
June 7, 2018 7:26am CST
Today is the last day of school for my daughter whose in 8th grade. It is also pride month. She felt these two things made it the best day to tell me.
She said guess what mom and I said “It’s the last day of school” and she said “I’m a guy” and handed me a letter she wrote and she said how scared she’s been to tell me even though she knew I’d be supportive. She told her 3 closest friends yesterday and they were fine with it too.
She likes boys and doesn’t want to cut her hair. Although she’s never been very “girly” she doesn’t seem boyish enough either.
She wants to start hormones and eventually have a sex change to transition into a man. I told her I’m sorry but I won’t allow that until she’s an adult. Messing with your hormones like that isn’t good at such a young age it can cause depression etc.
She says she’s 100% sure of this but I’m not. It’s possible it’s a phase but if it winds up not being that’s okay with me. She’s been reading up a lot online about transitioning.
After we talked about things I just hugged her and told her no matter what I love her and however she feels is fine with me she never needs to worry about telling me things.
Photo is just a peaceful photo of some wild irises I saw growing along the river where my boyfriend and I went hiking this past weekend.
20 people like this
22 responses
@NJChicaa (127195)
• United States
7 Jun 18
Congratulations to you for being supportive and to your child for knowing themself. I have had a few transgender students in class over the years and I have known a few others just in the school. Some have had parents who were very supportive and others had varying levels of acceptance and/or disapproval. One young man had to go to the prom in a dress and get changed into a tux at the venue because his parents wouldn’t accept that he is transgender. How sad that they don’t just love him as he is and want him to be happy.
4 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
7 Jun 18
@NJChicaa thank you so much for your kind response. I really think how the parents handle things makes a huge difference in their children's lives. I feel so sad for the boy you wrote about who had to wear a tux and change at the prom. My daughter was on the national honor society and had to wear a dress on the stage. I said today that had to be awful for her. She said it was and I told her she could have worn dress pants and a dress shirt like the boys. She said she thought about it but then everyone would know. She's not ready for that I guess. In our small narrow-minded town I certainly understand her worries of being picked on at school.
1 person likes this
@amadeo (111937)
• United States
7 Jun 18
this is going to be very tough on you and her.
both of you should seek help on this.It would not hurt.
Give her the support that she needs and take if from there.
Once she feels like this.She know no matter what the age is.
See some of LGBT people to help you with this.
3 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
7 Jun 18
@amadeo LGBT people might be able to help us both understand her feelings more as it is odd to me for her to want to be a man but to still like men. It's all quite confusing to me the trans lifestyle. I dated a guy who was a cross dresser at home but he was bi. I have a Facebook friend who just transitioned into a woman the past two years and his straight and has two kids and a fiancee. Whatever she feels, whatever she does I just want her to be happy that's all I care nothing else matters 
2 people like this
@snowy22315 (209267)
• United States
7 Jun 18
I think waiting until she is an adult makes the most sense. It is funny you never sensed anything before. Maybe she can go into counseling at this time. There are resources out there specifically for this. I think you handled it well. I hope I would have, after someone picked me up off the floor that is!
3 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
7 Jun 18
@snowy22315 I went to school with some lesbians and gays who were very obvious that even though they didn't admit it everyone knew they were gay. My daughter doesn't like anything girly but she just doesn't seem boyish enough. Maybe because she still like guys I don't know. The whole trans thing confuses me more then if she had said she was a lesbian. My blood did run cold for a second when she handed me the letter then after I realized what she said I was okay. That reaction thankfully only lasted about 5 seconds.
3 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
7 Jun 18
@andriaperry one of my best friends for years was a gay boy who grew up and is openly gay now. He asked me when we were about 10 if I'd be he friend if he was gay. It was obvious he was gay as he was so girly but he never admitted it.
2 people like this
@andriaperry (118793)
• Anniston, Alabama
7 Jun 18
@shaggin I went to school with many lesbians and Gays too, many were my friends.
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (56355)
• Canada
7 Jun 18
It sounds like you handled this very well.
You must have a very close relationship.
One of my oldest friends has a daughter that came out, and a few years later she started the process of transition. She had to lose a lot of weight before they'd let her start, and we all know how difficult that is, but she did it, and that speaks a lot about her commitment to this. I do not know if she has had her surgery as of yet because she moved out of the country, and couldn't return until she got her citizenship.
But my friend always supported her daughter far more then her husband did-he still struggles with the concept of his daughter not being a daughter. And I feel bad for him, because he's lost a lot of years of happiness and closeness that he will never get back again.
I hope that you and your daughter have a natural go at this, and that it seems right if its meant to be.
2 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
12 Jun 18
@Juliaacv I wonder why the made her lose weight before she started the hormones. Maybe it causes weight gain. That is very sad the father is having such a hard time with his daughter wanting to be a man that it is effecting their relationship. I am having a bit of a hard time too but she will never know it! I'm so worried about the struggles she will face that it makes my heart ache. When I feel sad I give her an extra smile as I
just want her to be happy and know how much I love her no matter what.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (56355)
• Canada
12 Jun 18
@shaggin She had to lose a lot of weight to look more like a man, she was very well endowed in the chest area, if you know what I mean.
My friend only wants her daughter to be happy, but her poor father, we've known him for years, and he's just not accepting of it.
Why shouldn't she, or anyone for that matter, do what they can to be happy? Don't we all just want and need happiness in our lives?
You stay strong, and remember that you've got support here, from me.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
12 Jun 18
@Juliaacv I agree completely their happiness is the most important thing. I understand why she needed to lose weight if her chest was big. My daughter and I have small chests but hers is still bigger then she would like since she wants hers completely flat. Thank you so much for your kind words it really means a lot to me!
1 person likes this
@infatuatedbby (94909)
• United States
15 Jun 18
I am glad she was able to take the leap and tell you how she feels as well as a letter just encase. I have watched YouTube documentaries or stories about people coming out and some know when they were young (but also they have a mother/father tag). Their parents' also had a hunch too.
Sometimes, it's just a phrase and other times it's actually how they feel. Ultimately, you loving your daughter the way she is and accepting her decision is nice! But yes, I do think at her age hormones and such is still young.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
20 Jun 18
@infatuatedbby she does watch a lot of videos like that on YouTube actually but I haven't watched any.
@infatuatedbby (94909)
• United States
16 Jun 18
@shaggin It was a little bomb on you to tell both things at once. But, I'm glad all went well. Same with me and my parents (different generations) and some things I don't tell my parents' not because I don't want to but they just don't understand then explaining to them would be hard.
Hopefully it's just a phase but as long as your daughter is happy that is all that matters :)
1 person likes this
@infatuatedbby (94909)
• United States
16 Jun 18
@shaggin It would be hard to find someone accepting, but there are people in the same boat as her. A lot share their story on YouTube or are vloggers. They have relationships and some are even married. You could look up on Youtube like Transgender Story (and follow). I find it very interesting and sometimes find myself on the topic.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (174797)
• United States
13 Jul 18
You are such a good mom, Shaggin! 
I'm glad you told her she had to wait until she was an adult before she could start the transition. It gives her time to be sure that's what she really wants as well as giving her time to talk to a professional therapist, if she wants. (I'd actually suggest this if I were you. There are always things that articles online leave out of surgeries and treatments that she should know before making this big of a decision. There is also a lot of risks that get glossed over online, too.)
Here, you might find this article enlightening:
I'm glad you told her she had to wait until she was an adult before she could start the transition. It gives her time to be sure that's what she really wants as well as giving her time to talk to a professional therapist, if she wants. (I'd actually suggest this if I were you. There are always things that articles online leave out of surgeries and treatments that she should know before making this big of a decision. There is also a lot of risks that get glossed over online, too.)
Here, you might find this article enlightening: 
Desistance studies in children with Gender Dysphoria Ten studies have been conducted looking at whether gender dysphoria persists throughout childhood. On average 80% of children change their minds…
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
14 Jul 18
I did read the link you sent me thank you for that. She felt this way the past few years and at 14 feels sure of it. She isn't very girly I admit that but she doesn't seem like a man to me either. I do hope she changes her mind purely for how hard life can be without having to deal with transgender issues on top of it all. I wonder with her dad dying if she is trying to be like him as she mentioned one time she is slowly turning into him with the love of art and bands and clothes etc.
I know so many people who married men had kids then left them and had girlfriends then went back to men. These are adults who seem to not be able to make up their mind on what they want. Seems they are just open to both lifestyles and I say whatever makes them happy!
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
15 Jul 18
@DaddyEvil I agree her happiness is all I care about. I've been buying her men's clothes. The way she changes her mind and styles I'm always having to buy her new things. One year everything had to be pink then she changed her mind and luckily me being the size of a 10 year old I got to wear them. Pinks my favorite color and I love super girl clothes.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (174797)
• United States
15 Jul 18
@shaggin You're welcome, Dearheart.
Whatever your daughter decides I hope she has a happy and fulfilling life. That's the most important things I can think that life is all about!
Yeah, I've met many people who can't make up their minds or who have made up their minds after they've reached middle age. (It's a shame we don't all know exactly what we want when we start off, but life just isn't like that. *shrug*)
Whatever your daughter decides I hope she has a happy and fulfilling life. That's the most important things I can think that life is all about!
Yeah, I've met many people who can't make up their minds or who have made up their minds after they've reached middle age. (It's a shame we don't all know exactly what we want when we start off, but life just isn't like that. *shrug*)1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
12 Jun 18
@rakski The first 5 seconds I was in total shock but after that I was ok. I am sad knowing she is going to have many struggles to get through is she truly does want to be a man. I always knew I would be completely fine if she ever told me she was a lesbian but I was not prepared at all for her to tell me she wants to transition into a man. We just have to take the one day at a time.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
9 Jun 18
@Hannihar that was so shocking to me. If she had said she was a lesbian I wouldn't have been as surprised as this. I really hope she does change her mind. Transgender people have to go through so much emotionally it is just so sad to think this baby of mine is going to go through such a struggle in her life. She just feels like she is a guy and doesn't want to look like a girl.
1 person likes this
@sw8sincere (6032)
• Philippines
7 Jun 18
I appreciate that your daughter has the courage to tell you what she really want with her self and life and i'm also glad that you've been a very supportive mother to her
2 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
12 Jun 18
@sw8sincere I am so glad she felt comfortable enough to tell me. Her friends being good about it when she told them encouraged her it would be okay to tell me. She knew I would be supportive but she was just so nervous to tell me. I wonder how her father would have reacted if he were alive.
1 person likes this
@maximax8 (31042)
• United Kingdom
7 Jun 18
I think that your daughter is totally sure she wants to become a guy. She could see a doctor about this to help her know if this is really right for you. Some girls are a tom boy aren't they. I suggest you show her programmes of going from a female to a male. I know you love her no matter what. I am so pleased she told you instead of bottled things up.
1 person likes this
@maximax8 (31042)
• United Kingdom
12 Jun 18
@shaggin YouTube has some educational things on it. I imagine your daughter will buy binder to make her chest look smaller. If she doesn't like tight socks then how will she tolerate a binder. Yes, you are lucky she told you about this.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
12 Jun 18
@maximax8 she has been watching transgender things on YouTube so she knows a lot about it. She wants a binder to keep her chest from looking big. I told her I don't think it's good to wear something like that at her age until she is done growing. She can't stand wearing socks that feel tight a binder would feel awful. I am quite shocked at her feeling this way it is not something I ever imagined she would say to me but I truly am glad she told me and like you said isn't bottling it.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11383)
• United States
11 Jun 18
I am so glad you supported her with this matter. I agree, that she should wait to start any transitioning until she is an adult. It might just be a phase and her body still has many changes to go through yet.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
14 Jun 18
@Shellyann36 I don't think she can help how she feels but I do hope it is just a phase. Life can be such a struggle for trans people. It pains me to think of the things she may have to go through and deal with. All I want is her to be happy. When she is an adult and if she still feels this way we will take it from there.
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (11383)
• United States
15 Jun 18
@shaggin I understand what you are saying. The best thing is your support. I wish the best for her and you.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
8 Jun 18
@Tina30219 today was my late husband and my wedding anniversary so I think it makes the day a little tougher already
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
8 Jun 18
@Tina30219 I think I handled it well but it really did come as a surprise today I was not expecting. I just know what a struggle this will be and has been for her if she really does feel like a guy inside a woman's body so it makes my heart ache. I feel like I'm in need of a good cry and then going to bed. The day is almost over thankfully it was long and busy.
1 person likes this
@Tina30219 (82978)
• Onaway, Michigan
8 Jun 18
@shaggin You go ahead and cry you deserve to get it out you sure was not expecting it.
2 people like this
@DianneN (254948)
• United States
10 Jun 18
I think you handled this very well and at least your daughter knows you are supportive. Sometimes kids at this age think they know how they feel. Many do, but many do not. It's an age of experimentation for the most part. My younger son went to a private school from grade 7 through high school with many kids he grew up with. He told us that many of the girls experimented and thought they were lesbians. Most changed their minds later. I'd just wait and see how your daughter feels when she is older and hope she was understanding of your viewpoints.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
14 Jun 18
@DianneN I am really hoping it is just a stage. Even as adults I've known women who are lesbians then go back to men so who knows lol. If she told me she was a lesbian I wouldn't have been surprised but her telling me she wants to be a man was truly shocking. For days I felt like crying and was very depressed thinking of all the things she may have to face when I just want her to be happy. She says she is sure of this but she just doesn't seem masculine enough to me. Right after she told me and we were in town we stopped at a rummage sale and bought this cute little chair to hold a ring or pair of earrings etc.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
12 Jun 18
@cintol I am lucky to be her mother she is just such an awesome girl. It was such a shock when she told me this though. A lesbian I wouldn't have been so shocked about but wanting to transition into a man was not something I ever expected. When she is an adult and knows for sure that is wants this then we can worry about hormones. I'm truly hoping it is just a phase as there will be so many struggles in her life if she truly does go this route.
1 person likes this
@mlgen1037 (29882)
• Manila, Philippines
7 Jun 18
Hi Shaggin. What you did is wonderful. Though it may have been all of a sudden, the very fact that you listened and supported her, that is all that matters. 
1 person likes this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
8 Jun 18
@mlgen1037 it was very sudden and I wasn't expecting it at all so it took a good 5 seconds for it to really register what she said. Plus I had just woken up and hadn't been my coffee so my head was bit foggy. Thank you so much for your kind words. Her happiness is all that matters and if she feels like a man in a woman's body then at least she knows she can talk to me about it now and not be afraid to hide it anymore.
2 people like this
@shaggin (74987)
• United States
8 Jun 18
@mlgen1037 I think it is harder for father's to accept their sons are gay then the mothers. A good parent will accept their feelings and choices. Some people will continue to say after 20 years of the lifestyle that it is still just a phase their child is going through lol.
1 person likes this
@mlgen1037 (29882)
• Manila, Philippines
8 Jun 18
@shaggin I am proud of you. My dad had a hard time accepting my brother is gay and it was not easy for all of us. Your daughter has you and nothing to worry because she knows you are always there for her. 
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