I understand but I wish my dad and Nanny didn't speak to my Poppy like this....
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
Perth, Australia
February 19, 2022 12:18pm CST
Hello everyone, I truly hope you're all doing well. I am going to pop a movie on and spend some time on MyLot for awhile. It's the only place I feel like being right now. I have lost all my notifications but thankfully I always take screenshots of my notifications when I think I may not be very active for awhile. So I will start taking care of them once I post this.
So my Poppy (my grandfather) is in a home....or respite? Actually I don't know what you call it anymore but basically he isn't living with my Nanny right now. My Nanny needs an arm operation and is in no position to look after Poppy right now or for some time after operation.
My Poppy has dementia. I have spoken about him here and there but here is the update. The last time I saw him was at Christmas. I am not allowed to see him due to personal reasons to which I won't explain right now. I miss him very much. He stills recognises us all but his dementia is still declining.
Sadly, his thoughts keep altering to understanding why he is there to no clue at all. He goes from remembering my Nan needs an arm operation to believing my Dad and Nan put him there "to rot" and that they never come see him. They visit him every second day. 
Just last week he went through a bad depression thinking Nanny had passed away.
But yesterday, my Dad came home and explained Poppy was very angry and swearing a lot. My Poppy kept begging and demanding they let him go back home and he was swearing at Dad and Nanny "You never f***ing see me. I'm 97 years old and I can look after myself. I make my own dinners, this place never feeds me. You both put me here to die." My Poppy doesn't even know his age, 97 is wrong. As for the meals, he does not make his own meals, they are made for him and very nice meals too. He was being mean and rude towards Dad and Nan.
But, as much as I can understand the frustration, both my Dad and Nan didn't remain calm. They were hurt Poppy believes this of them. They were calm at first but then had enough of the accusations. They both swore back at him and threatened to never come back. I am very angry they both did that. I know all these years they have taken a lot and are sad to see their family member turning into another person but it's not his fault. In fact, I can bet the next time they see him, Poppy won't even recall any of it. To which I am actually glad because, again, though frustrated, Dad and Nan shouldn't have let it get to them so much to verbally attack back.
I didn't say much to my Dad because I am trying to come from an understanding place and I don't want to cause any more grief. My Dad and Nan feel bad enough but I am angry about it. My Poppy, more times than not has no clue what is going on, what's wrong with him, where he is or why he is there. Last thing anyone should be doing is cursing back and saying horrible things!
I miss him so much and feel awful for what he is going through.
****photo is of my Poppy when I got to see him at Christmas****
Just last week he went through a bad depression thinking Nanny had passed away.
But yesterday, my Dad came home and explained Poppy was very angry and swearing a lot. My Poppy kept begging and demanding they let him go back home and he was swearing at Dad and Nanny "You never f***ing see me. I'm 97 years old and I can look after myself. I make my own dinners, this place never feeds me. You both put me here to die." My Poppy doesn't even know his age, 97 is wrong. As for the meals, he does not make his own meals, they are made for him and very nice meals too. He was being mean and rude towards Dad and Nan.
But, as much as I can understand the frustration, both my Dad and Nan didn't remain calm. They were hurt Poppy believes this of them. They were calm at first but then had enough of the accusations. They both swore back at him and threatened to never come back. I am very angry they both did that. I know all these years they have taken a lot and are sad to see their family member turning into another person but it's not his fault. In fact, I can bet the next time they see him, Poppy won't even recall any of it. To which I am actually glad because, again, though frustrated, Dad and Nan shouldn't have let it get to them so much to verbally attack back.
I didn't say much to my Dad because I am trying to come from an understanding place and I don't want to cause any more grief. My Dad and Nan feel bad enough but I am angry about it. My Poppy, more times than not has no clue what is going on, what's wrong with him, where he is or why he is there. Last thing anyone should be doing is cursing back and saying horrible things!
I miss him so much and feel awful for what he is going through.
****photo is of my Poppy when I got to see him at Christmas****9 people like this
10 responses
@rebelann (117290)
• El Paso, Texas
19 Feb 22
I understand your nan and dad, it is very hard to hear our loved ones do this to us and sometimes we fight back verbally, it's human nature. Neither your nan or your dad are so young they can rationalize it as you do so please be patient with them, they're doing the best they can in this sad situation.
3 people like this
@rebelann (117290)
• El Paso, Texas
25 Feb 22
Yes, it does make sense, I can see your side of things but your Nan was married to him and raised you dad with him and perhaps he did things during that time that was very hard on her and your dad was born to them and raised by them and maybe he too went through hardships with him and now that their husband/father is not quite himself they see that side of him that they had to tolerate that wasn't very nice so they are having a hard time of it. I know because of the way I reacted to my mom when she had dementia. I had never been around anyone else with this condition so I had no point of reference to help me cope so I handled it all wrong.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@rebelann I do agree with you fully. I can see on both sides how it's difficult. It was just the way they described the situation. Instead of saying "Poppy was in a bad mood so we left" they said "He had a bad attitude so we decided to leave and don't feel like going back again." It's just their choice of words. They seem to be more annoyed with how they were spoken to rather than upset being spoken to by someone who can't help it. I don't know. I know it's hard on both ends but it was just my dad's and nan's choice of words. I know they love him and are upset with the whole situation but it's my dad and nan's attitude that is making me think that they need to rethink or learn how to deal with someone who suffers with dementia. I hope that makes sense. They have been times in the past they have been snappy towards him. I just feel they need to actually do some learning on how to cope instead of blowing up like they do as it only causes more grief for Poppy.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (502979)
• Italy
20 Feb 22
I am sorry Dani. People with dementia some days might not recognize their family members or friends, and this can cause fear, anxiety, and aggressive behavior. I know that it’s devastating to hear their horrible words, but the most important thing to remember is that their disease is causing the behavior. Your Poppy is not purposely saying these things to hurt your father or his wife. The damage in his brain is causing it. Should this happen again, your father should take a deep breath, remind that it’s not personal, and try to find the cause behind the aggressive behavior.
I know this is very hard for you, it's hard for everyone and your Poppy cannot understand that he is rude or aggressive.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (502979)
• Italy
25 Feb 22
@VivaLaDani13 - You are patient with your Poppy, you have to be patient also with your Dad and Nan.
They have to deal with him a lot more often than you do and I know, I know even too well, how difficult it is sometimes, as you have the feeling they do their best to make you mad and angry. I have always been patient with my Mom, but there were days that after talking with her (and being extremely patient) I was sick all the afternoon and in bad mood because she was aggressive and she hurt badly my sentiments.
Of course I knew she could not help it, she could not understand she was hurting, but if you deal with this every day, it's hard on your nervous system.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (502979)
• Italy
7 Mar 22
@VivaLaDani13 Your father was angry, he knows now that he over reacted.
It happens, I always tried to be polite with my Mom. I never offended her, I was patient but often wondered why she was never unpleasant with my brother or my niece. Always and only with me.
This is what made me feel sad, the fact that I was the one who did the most for her, but she was all for my selfish brother.
Well, it's over now, may she rest in peace.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@LadyDuck Thank you Anna. Thankfully my Poppy still recognises us. I feel awful for what he goes through and all the phases he has been through and what is still likely to happen for it to get worse. I have always been very patient with him and will listen to what he asks or says as if it's always the first time as I know he cannot help it. I have never rushed him or been impatient with him. Sadly, as much as my dad and nan love him and understand, it's not always been the case and that is why I'm feeling angry about it. My dad and nan (especially my dad though) can be impatient. It hasn't been a great deal but there has been a handful of times my dad may have sighed loud when Poppy wasn't understanding something or my nan has become snappy with him from the same questions being asked. I can completely understand from both sides as it's hard both ways but I just wish and hope my dad and nan could learn some more about people who suffer with dementia.
It's just their choice of words that is frustrating me. Instead of saying "Poppy was in a bad mood so we left" they said "He had a bad attitude so we decided to leave and don't feel like going back again." I just didn't like my dad's and nan's wording towards the situation as my Poppy cannot help any of this. Thankfully my Poppy was fine today and didn't remember anything about what happened.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (174870)
• United States
19 Feb 22
I'm sorry that happened. The problem is that your dad and Nan are only human. Your Poppy isn't going to remember that they shouted back at him any more than he'll remember that he was the one abusing them first. I agree that he can't help it, but neither could they. A person can only take so much abuse before they forget about "understanding" and feel the abuse personally...
I'm willing to bet your dad and Nan both feel awful about shouting back. They need some understanding, too.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
19 Feb 22
@DaddyEvil Thank you for that. And yeah I do understand, it's why I said it a few times in my post because I truly am coming from a place of understanding. From both sides 100%. I just feel bad it got to that point. It's just the choice of words my Dad and Nan used and has used in the past that I feel they could have not said. Again, I understand, I really really do as this has been going on for quite a long time now. They seem to have less patience than the patience required for something like this I feel.
I am just angry because even hours after, they have both said that they don't feel like going back to see him after "his attitude." I find that to be quite ignorant as it's not really HIS attitude. It's HIS disease. I hope that makes sense.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (174870)
• United States
19 Feb 22
@VivaLaDani13 Of course it makes sense. You're a sensible person. Some things hurt bone deep and it's hard to get past them. Just because they're saying that now doesn't mean they won't go back... They just need to let the hurt ease up before they can "brave the lion's den" again.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@DaddyEvil Thank you for understanding me. Thankfully they were able to see him today and Poppy knew nothing about what happened before. I was worried as both my dad and nan said if he was in a bad mood they were just going to walk out. I was worried for some hours today but my dad came home not too long ago and said all was fine. Thank goodness.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (23193)
• Bangalore, India
2 Mar 22
Dementia is difficult on family as well. True, Your Dad and Nan shouldn't have done what they did. But they are also coming from a very difficult place. Your Poppy will forget all of this but Your Dad and Nan will not. Whatever hurtful words those three exchanged with remain with yoru Dad and Nan. And I think that is painful enough. It's better to help them all out in finding more patience within themselves. Because Your Poppy's condition is not a temporary one.
2 people like this
@CarolDM (203396)
• Nashville, Tennessee
19 Feb 22
So very sorry you are all dealing with this. Your Poppy looks nice in this photo. So sad that he doesn't know what is going on. I have dealt with this in a loved one before. Also the swearing. They are not themselves. I hope your family can begin to understand before it is too late. And I hope you can visit him one day. Hugs to you.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@CarolDM Thank you kindly. I'm sorry you have dealt with this too. It's truly a hard and overwhelming thing to go through on both sides for sure. And thank you for understanding. I know it's tough on my dad and nan too but it's just their choice of words when describing it all. I feel my dad and nan are not being patient enough. They love Poppy of course but I feel they could be more patient and understanding. And thank you, I really hope I can see him again soon. 
1 person likes this
@CarolDM (203396)
• Nashville, Tennessee
25 Feb 22
@VivaLaDani13 It is a difficult situation. You are very welcome. Patience is needed and it can be very hard.
1 person likes this
@2ndchances24 (12258)
• Cloverdale, Indiana
27 Apr 24
it's sad to know when people get up in age they get rude & nasty & don't even know they
are doing it, I know when husbands dad was going down he got really bad off & I was the
only 1 that took time to look after him till they put him in a nursing home & I took time to go
spend time with him & he didn't even know who I was & it was hard to take time with him.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
1 May 24
@2ndchances24 Lost it or didn't want to use it anymore? Cause people can make you feel like you don't want to be your usual self anymore. Cause you can still have that same heart but just don't want to give it to others anymore.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
29 Apr 24
@2ndchances24 You are a diamond. That was so nice of you to do all that even when it was hard. Good on you!
1 person likes this
@2ndchances24 (12258)
• Cloverdale, Indiana
29 Apr 24
@VivaLaDani13 back then I had a heart, but NOW I've
lost the good hearted person I use to be with people.
1 person likes this
@marlina (154103)
• Canada
25 Feb 22
@VivaLaDani13
Glad that you saw your Poppy today and he seemed better
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@marlina aw thank you kindly. I am always happy to see you here too.
Thank you for your comment in general. I really am seeing it from their side but I just personally wouldn't have acted like they did. I know they are dealing with something difficult so I appreciate that. Just didn't like how they acted especially towards someone who can't help it. They saw Poppy today and he seemed better so that's good.
Thank you for your comment in general. I really am seeing it from their side but I just personally wouldn't have acted like they did. I know they are dealing with something difficult so I appreciate that. Just didn't like how they acted especially towards someone who can't help it. They saw Poppy today and he seemed better so that's good.1 person likes this
@askme123 (6223)
•
25 Feb 22
@VivaLaDani13 I understand.I wish everyone full recovery.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
26 Feb 22
@askme123 Thank you so much. I really appreciate that!
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@askme123 Sadly, this is the only position we can be in right now. Once my Nan's arm is healed (she just had an operation) hopefully Poppy can come back home. My Nan is in no position to be alone with my Poppy right now as her arm is not good from all the times she's had to lift him. They did have some people coming in to help shower him but right now with my Nan's arm, it's the only option we have right now for him to be where he is. If we had a lot of money, which we don't, we would get him out of there and hire people for 24/7 care but sadly, we are not in that situation.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (382811)
• Rockingham, Australia
20 Feb 22
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. As you say, your Poppy really has no idea what is going on most of the time and it's a great shame, your father and nanny weren't able to understand this. Unfortunately, the situation will probably get worse before it gets better. Take care of yourself as best you can.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (60812)
• Perth, Australia
25 Feb 22
@JudyEv Thank you for your comment Judy. Much appreciated. Though sad, it is true that this just won't get better. Or at least, he keeps going through different phases. Some phases have gone completely while others come back here and there. My dad and nan saw him today and he was more cheerful than last time so that's good for now.
Though sad, it is true that this just won't get better. Or at least, he keeps going through different phases. Some phases have gone completely while others come back here and there. My dad and nan saw him today and he was more cheerful than last time so that's good for now.1 person likes this
