fear and guilt, guilt and fear / myLot

Shingle Springs, California

November 7, 2022 9:29pm CST

How do you end a 9 year relationship. Or do you? The person has anger issues. Not violent, but just angry, accusatory, snappish, etc. Don't think I want to have to navigate that any more. I never know when something completely innocent will set it off. On the other hand, I suppose I could suggest anger management and/or couples counseling. I'm just not sure the person is going to be willing or able to change, and I'm not sure I will feel the same about him any more even if he does. Guilt. He's dependent on me, low income, would have to give him time to find some place to go. Fear. That he will blow up on me. Or even that he will make me feel like a horrible person. But I do have a right to decide who I want to have in my life. Long conversation with my counselor today. But will I ever be ready to have the conversation?

11 people like this

10 responses

@DaddyEvil (137142)

• United States

8 Nov 22

I'm sorry that's happening in your life. Honestly, I'm not sure how you were able to live with it for 9 years... I wouldn't have tried. @vandana7 Do you have any advice?

5 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

I guess I chalked it up to cultural differences.

4 people like this

@DaddyEvil (137142)

• United States

8 Nov 22

@dawnald Anger issues aren't "cultural differences", though.

4 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

@DaddyEvil True, but some of the things he was getting angry about are. Sometimes he had valid points, but he handled them very wrongly.

3 people like this

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BarBaraPrz

@BarBaraPrz (45498)

• St. Catharines, Ontario

8 Nov 22

Sometimes the other ends it for you, or they die.

3 people like this

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BarBaraPrz

@BarBaraPrz (45498)

• St. Catharines, Ontario

8 Nov 22

@dawnald The former happened to me, the latter is happening to a friend...

3 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

I should get so lucky (the former - I don't wish the latter).

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Judy Story

@jstory07 (134464)

• Roseburg, Oregon

8 Nov 22

Do what is best and safe for you. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

3 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

Well, I hope it is safe anyway...

3 people like this

paigea

@paigea (35701)

• Canada

8 Nov 22

Wishing you the wisdom to make the best choices. Maybe letting him go will prompt him to find his best self

3 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

Much more likely that he will be angry and resentful, but we can hope.

3 people like this

Jojo

@Sojourn (13836)

• India

8 Nov 22

You are such a kind heart to have guilt for that person (for the reasons you mentioned) who tormented you. You deserve someone better.

3 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

He has positive qualities too or I wouldn't have stayed, but I think I'm done with it.

3 people like this

Marie Coyle

@MarieCoyle (28557)

•

8 Nov 22

He's dependent on you, yet he is angry and hard to live with. And you are willing to live like this for how long? I learned a very hard lesson--I can't change people. If you are thinking about ending it, that more than likely is because it just isn't good anymore for you. Like you said, you have every right to decide on who you have in your life. I don't know if I could have given it 9 years. You will have to decide if you want to live like that. I hope you can work it out, and I am glad you have a counselor to talk to.

3 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

I really wasn't until the last 3 years or so that it became a problem that I don't want to live with any more.

3 people like this

Marie Coyle

@MarieCoyle (28557)

•

8 Nov 22

@dawnald THREE YEARS is a long time to live with a problem that is obviously making you unhappy. Time is something we just can't get back.

1 person likes this

Heather Echola

@GardenGerty (157553)

• United States

9 Feb 23

Making you feel guilty or afraid does not speak well for a relationship.

marguicha

@marguicha (215476)

• Chile

8 Nov 22

You need counseling. Basically, I suppose, to be able to find out what is best for you and learn to be able to do it. You are a strong person. And if you decide to break up finally, you will have to talk with him about other issues like where he will stay. When people break up, most of the times words are said from the two sides that will make the other feel bad. But yes, everyone has the right to decide who does he/she want in their lives

2 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

I'm already in counseling. I know what I want. I'm just scared to have the conversation. And if he's reasonable about it, I'm fine with him sleeping downstairs until he finds a place to go.

2 people like this

marguicha

@marguicha (215476)

• Chile

8 Nov 22

@dawnald I am glad that you are in counseling. But I can understand that you are scared, specially since he has anger issues. Just imagine how terrible the rest of your life would be if you don´t face this situation. Just know that all of your friends here are with you if you want to share anything.

2 people like this

TheRealDawn

@dawnald (85135)

• Shingle Springs, California

8 Nov 22

@marguicha thanks

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much2say

@much2say (53958)

• Los Angeles, California

21 Nov 22

I am chiming in after the fact

- ah, but now I get it. Now I'll bet you feel it's a HUGE load off of you . . . I know you are feeling much relieved now, so it really was for the best.