Was I wrong to forgive him?
By anawar
@anawar (2404)
United States
April 30, 2008 3:47pm CST
This is a bit of a complicated relationship that ended with a shocking revelation I should have seen coming.
I fell in love with a tall dark and handsome man two days before January of '06. We surprised each other when we confessed our mutual love within a month of meeting.
Sometimes he stayed overnight with me and soon after I asked him to move in with me. (way too soon according to family) I knew his past was a bit mysterious, but I never asked questions because I loved him and I didn't care. The past was the past.
One month after living together, my credit card company called and asked me if anyone had persmission to withdraw cash advances against my credit card? I checked my wallet and the card was missing. My mind spun, how and when had my card disappeard?
When 'Dave' (not his real name) came home he asked me go for a ride. After driving for a few miles; Dave pulled the truck over into an empty parking lot and turned off the engine.
With eyes pleading for understanding, he confessed to withdrawing $300.00 from my credit card. I didn't even know how to withdraw cash from an atm! My heart sunk. I loved him, but was he wrong?
He explained that his son needed his help to pay for some minor damgage to a neighbor's door.
He told me he only meant to borrow the money and planned on giving me back the money before the bill was due, and I never would have known.
I asked him what would happen to him if I told the credit card company the truth? Well, jail or something else. I loved him. Dave fabricated a cover story so I could tell the company that Dave had permission to withdraw the funds.
They seemed dubious. I asked on a whim, how much money was stolen? $500.00. Now, that's two lies. One he stole it and two he lied about the amount.
After thinking for a few hours, Dave asked if I was going to break off the relationship and kick him out. He told me he totally understood he was wrong and wouldn't be surprised if I called it off.
'Are you going to ask me to leave?' I held my head in my hands for a very long while.
Looking up into his face, all I saw was a man I loved. I figured his explanation was believable and after all, it was only money he promised to repay.
'No, I'm scared I'm going to ask you to stay, even though I know what you did was wrong.' And I did let him stay.
Would you have kicked him out right then and there? I ask that question every day. What if I had ended the relationship like any normal person would have?
By the way, over a period of three months, he returned $300.00 of the $500.00 and that was it. He still owed me $200.00 and I started to worry I would never see the money again. This weighed heavily on my mind, but everytime I looked at him, I fell in love all over again.
But that's getting ahead of the story.
I think of how many things we did together and the experiences we shared enriched my life. One year later I did lose him anyway, but did that mean I should have stopped the romance in the beginning?
The story doesn't end here, and I left out a lot of details, but, what do you think? Was I wrong and what would you have done? Thinking about it is tearing me up, and I
don't have anyone to talk to.
Has anything like this ever happened to you, and what did you do? Was I wrong to forgive him?
Thanks for helping out. I want to put this pain to sleep. I still love him and if it were possible, I might start over with him again. And that scares me.
6 people like this
48 responses
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
30 Apr 08
This was a difficult situation and none of us were in it, you were. At first, reading your story, I was thinking yes, I would have tossed him out. But after reading further I'm not sure I would have either.
It's difficult to see the negative in people to begin with but when you love someone it is even more difficult. I'm not sure I wouldn't have believed him and trusted him to do the right thing in your situation.
I think I would have watched him carefully for a while to see where the behaviour led but I think I would have done just what you did. Some may say that this was silly or even foolish but when you are in love sometimes that overides reason. That is normal human behaviour.
Stop beating yourself up and move forward. Try not to let your heart overide your best judgement with this man. If things are over then this might be for the best. I don't know. But think it through and if you have to make lists to remember why you made the split before you decide to give it another try.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
30 Apr 08
sisterjinx_ Thanks for the vote of confidence. At least I don't feel like a total loser.
But I did watch him, and things got worse. He stopped working and stopped bringing home money. We were renting a house together, and I couldn't afford to live there with my monthly income as the only source of funds.
I kept asking him over and over again. 'Why won't you work, you're going to throw this love away over money? This is the last month I can afford to keep us here. What are you doing? What is wrong with you?'
All he had was a very sad smile. The end was closer than I knew. The day come when I had to give up everything and move away.
I'll try to let all of your words sink in. I'm going back to NY and I could find him again if I wanted to.
If you only knew him_
I'm crying again. Unbelievable.
Thanks for helping.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
sisterjinx_ Thanks for stopping back in and checking on me. All I really want to do is call him when I get back to New York in May and see how he is. What he's doing.
Did he end up in jail, or is he getting help? I only want to see his face one more time. The good-bye happened so fast, I can't seem to find my feet again.
I am not a crying kind of person. Well, I am sometimes. I'm hoping by listening to people like you who care enough to try and help, I might work it all out.
The people who are reading this, know more than some of my family. It's just that the good times were so good. He showed me so many wonderful things I never would have known without him.
We hiked in the mountains in the summer and in the snow. I learned all about collecting antique bottles and became a dealer selling bottles with him at bottle shows. We became e-bay sellers and sold bottles on line. I lost all of that and more. Sorry. The story keeps coming out even when I don't want it to.
Thanks so much for caring about someone you don't even know. If you are someone's sister, they're very lucky to have you. I lost my sister when she was only 30 years old.
Okay, bye.
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Now that you have shared a little more of this story with me I am concerned. You have to realize now that something was not right with him. I stand by my statement that I would have done as you did at first but if I were you I would thank my lucky stars that I was out of it now.
Please do not search for him or get back with him. I feel there would be a danger there for you.
Like I said, write in a journal about your relationship together. You can include both the good times and the bad ones. But be sure to look at it realistically and remember why things were left as they were. You have to be careful and take care of yourself.
I am sending you prayer and energies to help you through this difficulty but they are only to help you because I think you can find the strength within yourself to get through this. Life sometimes throws us difficult lessons and this may have been one of them for you but you are stronger than you know.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
30 Apr 08
You're the only one that can answer the question of what was the right and wrong thing to do. But you can't trust someone who lies to you. If he'd asked you for the money, you would've found a way to get it for him. He didn't trust you and didn't care if you trusted him or not as long as he could use you.
I'm not saying he didn't love you. But that kind of person rarely loves completely and their loving someone is more like your or I love our pets.
You need to get more self-confidence and look upon yourself as a person that deserves better than Dave.
I wish you luck in resolving your inner conflicts. I'm so sorry your heart was broken, I know how much it hurts.
2 people like this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
30 Apr 08
I believe I know you are correct. It's difficult to hear the truth. I think I'm hiding from it because I so wanted it to be real_ to still be okay.
Thanks for the self-confidence boost. There is a reason for me not to be self-confident. Life experiences have shown me more of the dark side of relationships. Maybe that's why I choose the wrong guys to love.
Will anyone ever love me? I mean, a real person? I hope so.
I'd like to know what it feels like to love a normal person.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
30 Apr 08
We are so much alike! I picked the wrong men all my life and when my husband divorced me for someone else after 19 years, I figured that's it. I haven't dated or anything for the past two years and I'm okay with that. More than ok, I'm free of whatever made me pick the jerks.
Just had to tell you, you're not alone. I choose to bow out of the love game but I hope you have success!
1 person likes this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
dragon54u_ Yea, I bowed out of the love game for four years and then I met Dave. It seemed my life was so full of love, but I remember I cried a lot when I was with him.
I can't remember why I cried. I remember I used to go and sit in the parking lot at Burger King and cry.
There's such a void now. I was doing fine without planning on any more romance, just like you said. Now, I have to get over trusting men all over again and remember not to believe any of their lies.
Thanks for keeping up with me. Do you have other friends in your life to keep you company?
I don't know what I'm trying to say, so I'll stop here and hold your words tightly. Thanks for caring for someone you don't even know.
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
2 May 08
Hello there anawar, I think you should really RECONSIDER this relationship of yours. I know you love him very much judging by the way you explained it and all, but there is a fine line to lies and stealing some more. He obviously is no gentleman and no man in his own right of mind and principle would ever steal a credit card from a lady, much more a girlfriend! If he so needed help at that time, he could just call you up or tell you straight that he needed money the most at that time and you would have helped him in a whim. Because by now, I think he already knows how much your love is for him.
I am analyzing this story as my own-self as a guy and I'm not going to consider the love factors that much. In fact, I might be right about him using the feelings love as a sign of getting perhaps more from you in future. That's not all. A note that you should consider. He has lied to you, stolen from you. And then, he has the guts to return you $300 instead of the $200. It is not about money principle here, and whether you will see again the $200. But the question that should bug you right now would have to be, "would he ever do it again?"
Once bitten, twice shy, and as far as I know, true they say that money is the root of all evil and money is the cause of everything like marriages and relationships fail. But if you look at your story in a different perspective, you might want to consider whether he really loves you, only loves being with you or he's with you because of security and money-wise? Only you have the key to that and you should analyze factors like how well-off you are and whether that could be why he's there in the relationship with you. You mentioned that there are some details which you omit, so you have to confront yourself and ask this, "Is he living off you practically?" Since you said that you are living with him now.
I am no more but an online friend to you, but I think that my advices do reach you, my friend because I'm sure others and myself care about your welfare pretty much. Don't worry too much, and I suggest you put him "under probation" and access his behavior in future. And do update all of us. Take care my friend.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
2 May 08
zed_ you know what I like best about your comments? Your telling me no gentleman would steal from a lady. I don't often hear those words and you brought a smile to my face.
And everyone online is helping me face the truth.
Since I posted this question, I've been forced to accept this person for who he was.
You're right. I think he was living with me for security and money reasons. I feel horrible.
You mentioned the word 'under probation' so you might as well know, he is on probation! I had no idea he was a criminal, charged with check fraud. When he went ot his parole officer, (that I knew nothing about) they found one of my checks in his wallet. When I counted my checks, I was missing nine of them!
No harm came from those checks.
A mutual friend stopped by my house and told me everything about the man I thought loved me.
The most disturbing part was when he came back to see me the day after his parole officer talked to him. It seems he was never allowed to leave his home state, and was in violation of his parole the entire time he lived with me!
Now, he's on an ankle bracelet. It's so disturbing. I haven't seen him since he came back to ask me if the relationship could continue! I wanted out of that whole area!
I sold most of my stuff, and packed what I could fit in my Jeep. I couldn't afford to live in that house alone.
The ending? My son is in Iraq, and asked me to stay with his wife until his return. At least I had somewhere to go!
Thanks for all your kind advice.
1 person likes this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
2 May 08
adelida_ after you read Zed's comments, did you catch my follow-up response? Everyone here helped me and even though it's not wrong to forgive someone, I learned that forgiveness only goes so far.
Too much forgiving (as in my case) comprimised who I was.
I let him dominate my life and I hate facing it, but I can't keep going on and on, talking about how I will see him for what he really was.
I do see him for who he was now. I think I accept love in all the wrong places. Thanks for trying to help out.
1 person likes this
@Adelida2233 (1005)
• United States
2 May 08
I could not have put this more delicately and intimately. Ultimately it is your decision, and you should think long and hard about your decision. Just because you took him back does not mean that you can't decide otherwise at any moment. Trust is the basis of a relationship, and that is really hard to overcome once its broken. I would re-read zed's message about and then decide how you really feel about yourself, him, and your situation.
1 person likes this
@Gesusdid (1676)
• United States
30 Apr 08
well to me it sounds that you were falling head over heels for this guy all of the sudden i think you did a good thing to let him go but yeah your timing was terrible after he took the 300 from you and had the ballz to take your credit card with out your permission like that ? very shady of him eventhough he told you ...i thought he was about to kidnap you driving off with you without saying nothing ..you did the right thing but next time something like this comes around be more careful the next man could do more damage not only to your wallet but your life
1 person likes this
@jamie08 (430)
• United States
30 Apr 08
no offense i would of broke up with him after he gave the 300.00 back to me because someone that lies and steals from you and had no intention in the beggining to tell you about it is no good for you. I dont think you should go back with him because what if he just does it again, and you fogive again what if one day he takes everything.
1 person likes this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Your answer is so logical and correct. I know everything you are telling me is true. My heart refuses to give him up. Maybe he's the closest thing to love I've ever known. There were so many wonderful things about him to love.
I keep hoping someday he can overcome his past, which is much worse than I thought.
Three months later he did ask me to pay for some windows with my credit card. (it's a long story) He promised me the person who was buying the windows would pay me back the next day. Of course he was lying and just like the song, 'I hate myself for loving you.' I forced myself to believe him and agreed. I never saw the $300.00 either.
You're right, he could take everything. He did it to a friend of his, which I knew nothing about until the ending of the relationship.
1 person likes this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
jamie_ no offense taken at all. I think you're right. They can't change even if I see the goodness inside.
It's strange, I overlooked so many things about him, little things. He was a country boy and spoke with that country grammar. I decided I didn't care. His teeth weren't ugly, but they weren't that great.
He didn't have health insurance or a bank account. It was a day to day life but I loved it.
He worked as a tradesman. He designed tile floors for mansions and then tiled them. I loved his work. I loved his work-worn fingers. I loved his curly hair and the way he made me laugh.
Oh, this is crazy! Everytime I answer someone's comments, I pour out more and more of our story.
I appreciate the help you are offering. I hope noone minds that I keep going on with this. It's just that this is the most I've ever done to try and work through this.
Thanks for caring for me in a world full of strangers.
@jamie08 (430)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Honey there may be so many things that you love about him and in your mind you may think you love him. I was the same with my ex. thats a long story also. But i was in the relationship for 2 years and he kept saying oh i changed and so on. He never did but i kept trying to ignore it and it got worse and worse. i just hate to see other women go through things with men like this. I mean you could end up in identity theft or something you never know. But i learned that no matter how much faith you put into someone or how hard you try to believe they will change they never do. I dont know what is but they always go back to what they are used to doing. I wish you the best and god bless you and i hope you make the right choice in life. Take care!
1 person likes this
@taface412 (3175)
• United States
30 Apr 08
First things first. You said it was only money, and you are right. But the most important point here is he lied to you. If he really loved you (aka cared about you, and your thoughts on the matter) he would have approached you. So why did he act like a common thief and slip it out of your wallet? And if he has a mysterious past it sounds like he knows what he is doing and girl, he will know what to say.
Forgiving him in the past was one thing, but the past is the past. You should not go back with someone who lied to you, even though he paid you back. Because I am sure you felt more hurt over the lies than the monetary amount involved. And you didn't say why you eventually broke up? Did he lie again? cheat? whatever the circumstances you should not EVER be with someone who does not want you involved with his past (e.g. his son). And by not telling you that is what he did....he told you by his actions that he only would tell you after he gets caught.
Sounds like you are better off without him. Good luck and I hope the pain subsides...one day you might not think about him. And trust me that day is wonderful.
1 person likes this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
30 Apr 08
taface_ Oh, you have no idea how correct you are about his past! There was no son for starters.
The reason we broke up is because a friend came to my house one day and sat down with me. He told me exactly who I had fallen in love with.
It's so hard, because as horrible as he sounds, you didn't know how sweet he was. It's so stupid! I cry everytime I think about him. I hope you're right. One day will come when I won't think of him.
He's the closest thing I've ever had to love. You might forgive him too, if you knew the other side of him.
Oh gosh, I sound like a teenager. Thanks for helping me out. It means so much to me, because I never talk about him to anyone and I can't get this out of my system. Thanks for listening.
1 person likes this
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
taface_ maybe we should all give up on men. You got twisted around by someone you never dated? Wow, he must have been something else.
I'm sorry you turned your back on love, but maybe we're safer this way.
Thanks for checking back in and sorry for the delay. I can't stay at my computer for very long and then I come back later.
I will be strong, but they always break me. I'll be fine. I just have to decide I'm fine. I hope I decide soon.
@taface412 (3175)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Just remember all that glitters is not gold. I have to admit I am very skeptical of men. I myself fell in love with someone who twisted things up...and we never even dated...how crazy is that? And since then I pass the good ones up, because of what happened before. Just live and learn from it. And yes, God made these kind of men look good for a reason....for survival!
Good luck and you'll make it through.
1 person likes this
@getnbuy (1312)
• United States
1 May 08
You need to ask yourself how you could love a man who would do that to you. I would say some good counseling would help you gain the self esteem you need. You deserve better than this man.
@getnbuy (1312)
• United States
1 May 08
I'm glad you took what I said to heart. Maybe you could find a good therapist through a church. You could call a church and ask for recommendations. I can tell you the name of a book that helped me a lot. Its "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody with Andrea Wells Miller and J. Keith Miller. You can order it through a book store.Ofcourse, it would help more to have a therapist go through it with you. You could call different therapists and ask if they are familiar with this book. That would be one hint that they are a good counselor. I wish you the best of luck. I would like to keep communicating with you. I will put you on my friends list and you can respond if you would like to continue writing to eachother.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
2 May 08
getnbuy_ I haven't quite mastered the ways of mylot, so I'm so sorry this comment was delayed.
I have read books on co-dependence. Maybe it's time for a refresher course. I hate thinking I have fallen that far behind in my intelluctual and spiritual growth.
Thanks for the reminder, and yes, I would very much enjoy being your friend. Thanks for the offer.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
Thank you so much for your kind words. I think seeing a counselor is a good idea. The problem is, there aren't any good ones in my area, unless things have changed in the last few months.
I think if I did find professional help, I can lose this image of a man who wasn't worthy of me.
The good parts of him were awesome, but you can't separate a man from his acttions.
He also took money for a job he never did. He walked away with the money, and when I left noone would hire him anymore.
I have to face the facts. Thanks for your idea. You helped me.
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
1 May 08
The fact that he stole it from your wallet where in fact, he can share to you his problem and ask your help and advices is already a ground for not trusting this man, plus he lied again for the same situation. What will be your assurance that he will not do it again and he can't afford to do more painful lies to you! Just my opinion, I it will happen to me, I will just let him go and will move on!
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
2 May 08
I understand your feeling! If you decide to still stay with him just be very careful with your personal stuff for it might lead you to a big debt after all! I know you are smart you are just in love! and there is nothing wrong about that, just don't let your heart rule a lot over your mind girl! take care!
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
I know. I know. I'm not quite ready to let him go. But everyone here is helping me face the facts.
He did take money over and over again. And he lied about other things as well. Why am I thinking about him?
I don't know. Someday, maybe very shortly, I can let it go and move on.
Thanks for trying to help.
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
22 May 08
Love is blind.. NO matter he's right or wrong, u will still cover up for him and love him.. BEcause u have really fallen for him.. Yes, he have lied to u, and stolen your things, that's his fault.. NO matter wat and how outsiders tell u, not to trust him again, break up with him, i guess u wun heed their advice.. Because the love for him is in love.. Though u know the same thing might happen again, still u will harbour any slight hope that u will be wrong..
So wat i can do is only telling u your own feelings, express right in front of u, make u see it better and only than, u will be more confident of your own decision ^_^
@anawar (2404)
• United States
22 May 08
Thanks for helping me see my own thoughts. You're right, I am harbouring the slight hope that he changed.
I know I can never 'be' with him again and when I am strong, I know I am worthy of a better love.
It's crazy to keep trying to think of him in a loving way when I know he has a very long criminal record that he hid from me for over a year.
I married a man similar to this years ago. They're so sweet and charming, but it serves their purpose, not my love.
It would be nice to meet a normal man_ maybe then I would see the difference. Thanks again for your caring and compassion.
@sophiasmom911 (1345)
• United States
22 May 08
Hello anawar! Even though he has been returning the money he still lied. I understand that you love him and that is great. But I hope that you dont trust him as much as you did in the beginning. In a realationship no matter how bad the other did, its ultimately up to you on what battles you choose to fight. I hope this was just a bump in the road for you guys!
@anawar (2404)
• United States
23 May 08
Thanks for your positive and insightful words. You're right. As much as I don't like to admit it, I do have self-confidence issues.
I thought I was over all that negativity that attracts the wrong kinds of guys. I comprimised my values by settling for less than I deserve.
Do you think meeting a normal guy will help me recognize men of good character? (After I correct my negative thinking)
I appreciate you trying to help me.
@sophiasmom911 (1345)
• United States
22 May 08
awww dear. I'm sorry! Do you think it could be your self esteem that directs you towards the wrong men? I mean your beautiful! so I wouldnt think it would be your self esteem. I think it would be best to move on. I didnt know he was a convicted felon for check farud. and I feel like he possibly used you. I know it hurts and it will hurt, But you have to think of how much better you deserve in your life! I'm here to talk anytime!
@whiteheron (4222)
• United States
25 May 08
It seems like the two of you were teaching each other a lot of life lessons...
I think that you could not do other than what you did then... You loved him and that love was self sacrificing and unconditional...That love was not a bad thing to experience.
His dishonesty to you, his use of your card without permission and the other things that happened good and bad were all part of the learning process for both of you.
You feel like kicking yourself for keeping him then and yet you also gained from that relationship in other ways... Life is like that... There are wins and losses...
You cannot live your live in the rear view mirror. You cannot take back anything you or he did together.
And wondering if you were wrong gives you nothing but heart ache... Every time that you go into the past and regret and every time that you go into the future and fear you are ignoring the gift of the present moment. Be in the here and now. You are enough. It is enough...
Whether you would choose him again or not... Is a choice that you may not have to make... You may have all the feelings for him that you did and still be strong enough or be confronted with the changed realities and decide not to do it again. It is likely that you have matured through the learnings you have had to take a different pathway...
Honor the past. Know that all happened for a purpose and that no one was bad or wrong... It was what it was... And you have grown from it... learning more compassion, getting more strength, and becoming wiser.
Celebrate the Now moment. Be here fully and celebrate another day of living.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
26 May 08
Your words mean more to me than you realise. You wrote a wonderful summary of all the feelings swirling through my heart. It's not worth looking back. You're right.
But more than that, I will always remember your words telling me there was no right or wrong.
I won't go back to him, and again you are right. I do have feelings for him, but I am strong now and I don't need the love I experienced with him.
This whole experience is like a do-over for me. Two years ago I moved back to New York and met Dave. We spent one year together and when the relationship ended, I had to leave NY. I've been in GA for the last three months and here I am, returned to NY, staying in the same place as when I arrived in May two years ago.
It's like a great cosmic wake-up. 'You took the wrong turn, now go back and start over again.'
@anawar (2404)
• United States
26 May 08
Your words will be cherished forever in my heart. I've been thinking about everything you wrote for some time now.
Something happened inside when I read the line about
walking the same path, but with new perspectives. This feels like my truth.
The words you write did live inside of me for several years. I learned all of the things you're talking about. I came from a dark place into the light and I thought I would always remain in the light.
I don't know how or when I started forgetting what it felt like to be connected to every living entity. I remember knowing I changed with every breath I drew.
I don't know how long I've been lost, or maybe I never completed the journey. If I had a hope for where I was going, it would be easier to start walking. (I know no one can see the path ahead. I'm struggling trying to explain my meaning.)
The place where I'm living doesn't hold the light and I'm feeling disconnected. I can't leave this place for some time and I don't want to stay in the dark.
It's challenging to awaken the feelings of wholeness when it seems no one is on the other side to receive me.
(I don't mean I'm looking for a new relationship.)
Thanks once again for talking this through with me. I value and treasure your words.
@acevivx (1566)
• Philippines
24 May 08
You were not wrong to forgive him and by doing so you were being a christian and following God's preachings. By forgiving him despite the betrayal he committed (yes betrayal of trust and love)you were not weak but actually strong. However, in letting him stay because you "love" him, you were quite wrong and weak and your action is a prime example of "thinking with your heart and not with your mind." You could have just forgiven him but since he betrayed your love and trust, you should have been strong enough to send him away because he did not deserve you and could betray you again.Didn't you stop to think that such action indicates he did not love you and was just taking advantage of you? But that's water under the bridge and its good you are no longer with him. You should move on and not keep on thinking back to the past unless you really can't let go and are open to a reunion with him anytime he deigns to make the move. Lady, don't be a martyr. Keep your pride and move on.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
1 May 08
Reading your story brought so many things to mind, such as battered women and my own ex who cheated on me repeatedly.
Not to say this situation is exactly the same as those, but your feelings are.
You became blinded by your feelings, and in all honesty that man probably could have gotten away with murder as far as you were concerned. As you said, you loved him and didn't care that he lied to you and stole from you. His heart felt apology and sob story was all you needed.
This is how so many women become victims.
He'll hit you once or twice, then come crawling back saying everything you want to hear. You'll take him back, actually believing he'll keep his promise to never do it again. By the time you realize you should have left, it is too late.
Or in my situation. He cheated over and over again. I saw it, but never allowed myself to believe it, because I didn't want to. I continued to allow him to treat me the way he did, believing his excuses and sob stories, allowing his sweet talk to sweep me away, all the while kicking myself.
Perhaps your situaton is different, I can't say forsure. As you said, you did leave out details, so I can't judge based on the whole story. I am only telling you what I am thinking.
But you obviously aren't happy with the fact that you forgave him, otherwise it would't still be on your mind.
I know it seems like a difficult situation to be in, as I've said, I've been there, only under different circumstances. The best decision is the one that keeps your self esteem and dignity in tact. Unfortunatly most of the time, that's not the path we choose.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
katsmeow_ You're very intuitive. I never thought about being unhappy for forgiving him. Maybe you're right and I didn't care about my self esteem and dignity.
When I answer these comments, I feel like I'm talking about someone other than me. I think I'm reading this as if someone else wrote it and its not my story.
You've given me more to think about and I'm trying to put it all together.
I lost everything when we broke up. One day I was in love, and that afternoon everything shifted like a bad dream.
Part of the loss comes from selling everything I owned and moving on. Most of my stuff was less than two years old and now it's all gone. I have no home, not many personal things, and no love.
I'm adrift in the world with my life swirling all around me and I don't know how it will fall back into line again.
Thanks for caring enough to share your story to help me.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
1 May 08
katsmeow_ I know you're right. I like your suggestion of forgetting about finding love or losing love. Not to focus on either one, and shift the focus to me. Good ideas.
It's a big step, but I know I have to do it. I have to let go. Maybe I need more time. It's harder to forget him because I am going back to NY, and every where I look, he'll be with me in my mind.
Thanks for your contined support.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
1 May 08
I am sorry to hear that, but if I may make a suggestion..
Focus on you! Take this time to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off. Work on your own self esteem, self worth, dignity. This way, you will probably not fall into such a trap again.
Also, don't focus on finding love. Don't focus on not having it. When you're ready, it will find you and it will be the best love you've ever known.
Trust me, I've been there too!
@nupats (3564)
• India
26 May 08
I wud have kicked him in the beginning itself...if he needed financial help he cud have always asked...there was no way for behaving this way...and when u found him lying for second time that shud have been it...he is not trustworthy...i believe in love not blind love..take care dont b so emotional...there is no shortage of such cheats b careful b safe...
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
12 Jun 08
Well forgiving is alright but allowing yourself to trust him again is a different thing for me. I would have forgiven him out of the loved I gave him but it would be hard to trust him back the house again. There was a motive of deception when he took your credit card without your permission. Although its true that he ask forgiveness for his misdeeds. Gaining trust is hard to restore back.
@anawar (2404)
• United States
13 Jun 08
rsa_ True words were never spoken. I never did go back to him, but it took me a few months to get over the feeling that I loved him.
Now, I only think of him when someone stops by to leave a comment. It never hurts to reminded by everyone.
I messed up, but I think I'm okay now.
@positiveminded1977 (7072)
• India
23 May 08
Nopes, you were not wrong to forgive him. But, I think you are wrong in not being able to forget him. It looks like your relationship with Dave has been a bit painful right from the beginning. A lot of lies have been told and there has been a lot of pain. So ok you forgave him and thats nice. Now, why don't you move a step forward and forget him? You say he is out of your life now. So why are you still scared and hurt? Just let go of the entire relationship. You see, you can find a lot more peaceful and happier relationships.
I wish you lots of luck.
Cheers and happy mylotting!
@positiveminded1977 (7072)
• India
24 May 08
Hi, always happy to be of help! I wish you lots of success...
Cheers and happy mylotting
@anawar (2404)
• United States
24 May 08
positiveminded_ how did you get so smart? You left me some insightful words today.
The funny thing is, I started thinking along the lines of your comments earlier today. Now, I checked in on the conversation, and I found your words, reinforcing my determination to move forward.
No more losers! Thanks for the boost.
1 person likes this
@kriszelunka (557)
• Australia
24 May 08
In my case, the lying didn't start with taking the money - but when it came to paying it back.
It was my first relationship, so I was young, and believed everything that my ex partner told me. At the time, I had a substantial amount of money saved to put towards uni, and moving out of home.
My ex partner had lost his job, and crashed his car in the same week, but told me he had a job line up, assuming he could get his car fixed, so I lent him almost $2000, which he promised to pay back as soon as he began working again.
He did get the job, but he quick within two weeks, and the excuses just kept piling up.
I eventually wrote both him, and the money off, and put it down to experience.
@kriszelunka (557)
• Australia
25 May 08
I had to let it go in order to move on with my life. Once I realised that I no longer wanted to be with my ex partner, I didn't want to have him in my life at all, which included not wanting to bother to chase him for the money. It just would have drawn things out, and all I would have gotten is more excuses and lies.
I realised it was better to move on, wiser and out of pocket, than to spend time chasing after someone who never had any intention of doing the right thing.
@jesbellaine (4139)
• Philippines
3 May 08
I think the better way to start a new life with him is for you to clear whatever is bothering in your mind. You need to really know him better so that you can remove all your doubts and forgive him truly. In that way, you can start a new life with him.
I can't tell you if it is wrong to forgive him or to accept him because the only person who could answer that is yourself.
I hope you will find what your heart desire soon.
Take care. Cheers!
@anawar (2404)
• United States
4 May 08
Hi. That's some really good advice. We stayed together for a year, but then things got worse.
His lies and deceit continued through the whole relationship and I forgave him and pretended not to see who he really was.
Everyone here on mylot contributed to my healing and I'm learning one more time how to love me before anyone else.
Next time I think about another relationship, I'll remember your words. Thanks for helping out.
@jesbellaine (4139)
• Philippines
6 May 08
Thanks! I am glad that I give you a helpful advice.
I hope that you will find your way soon.
Take good care of yourself. Good day!
@Lambchoper (538)
• United States
2 May 08
You followed your heart and that's a good thing. You learned your heart may not always lead you to a pleasant and safe place and that is a good thing to know about your heart.
Following it to the same bad place twice is not such a good thing.
Love this man from a distance. Forgive him, forgive yourself. Use those feelings to help you decide if you want to be in a relationship that will most likey be filled with fear, and uneasiness. If you can't trust the person you are with, you are setting both of you up for hard feelings.
@choyzee (32)
• Philippines
12 Jun 08
As others would say, we always have a choice. Maybe he knows that you are so forgiving that even if he would do something wrong, you'll always be there to accept him back. Sometimes, it's a risk. You need to know when to stop believing or you'll end up a gullible.
