I REALLY need some advice, please!!
By II2aTee
@II2aTee (2559)
United States
October 7, 2008 10:57am CST
Complicated situation… let me see if I can break it down for you.
Earlier this year I met two ladies. I’m going to call them Sue and Jen. They have been best friends for their whole life and considered each other sisters. The three of us started hanging out and having fun, and I love them both very very much. Both of them are in their late 40s, and I’m 26 but the age gap was never an issue… I seem to get along better with people who are older than me anyways.
So after a couple months Sue met a guy and started to hang out with him all the time. I liked this guy and he was always nice to me… but he didn’t like Jen at all for some reason. As time went on he started to consume all of Sue’s time. They would do everything together. And since he didn’t like Jen, Sue and Jen started to spend less and less time together.
It eventually got to the point where Sue stopped talking to Jen altogether. They didn’t get into a fight but Sue stopped calling Jen and stopped taking her calls.
Now Jen was of course hurt feeling like she had lost her best friend to this man and couldn’t understand why Jen would drop her just because she now had a man in her life.
I managed to stay out of it somehow. I like BOTH of these women very much and I didn’t want to choose sides and get caught in the middle of their situation. But Jen and I started to get closer and closer. We talk every single day, we do a lot together and we consider each other very close friends.
But, I still like Sue too. I don’t talk to her as much as I talk to Jen (since Sue now spends A LOT of time with this new guy) but we still talk sometimes and we never missed a beat in our friendship.
Ok… so here’s where it gets complicated. Fast forward to now, 9 months later. Sue and Jen have STILL not resolved their issues, and STILL have not spoken to each other in months.
Last night Jen told me that she had a very mad day. She told me that her dog had been diagnosed with cancer and the vet said he wont live past 3 months. On top of that, her best friends father was also diagnosed with cancer and the doctors say that he only has 6 months to live. This man was Jens father figure growing up (she never knew her real father) and they are very close…
Jen cried on the phone when she said this has been a horrible year. She lost her best friend, her dog and her father figure. I feel soooo bad for her.
So my question is this:
I am trying to stay out of the tension between Sue and Jen, but at the same time I know that Jen is hurting and needs all the friends she can get.
Should I call Sue and tell her about the troubles Jen is going through? Maybe if I can get them to be friends again, maybe that would help Jen get through the hard time she is going through. If she had her best friend back maybe they could be there for each other like they were all their lives.
What should I do?
Should I call Sue and tell her that this fight needs to end because Jen needs her?
Or should I continue to stay out of it and just be there for Jen in any way I can??
What would YOU do?
9 people like this
20 responses
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
7 Oct 08
SInce you are still friends with both of them, I would talk to sue and subtley let her know what you know. just mention it in passing and do not say another word. Leave the decision to her.
One of the reasons that I have so few female friends is because of this. Many women tend to let their men run them. I won't, but in my opinion, if my man cannot accept my friends, he needs to get over it or stay out of it.
Put the bug in her ear and see where it crawls to. Keep us posted.
2 people like this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
7 Oct 08
ahh Tee baby.. hard situation, and honestly there isnt much yo can do about it. unfortunately.. women? are retarded whenit come to men. they will stab their best friend in the back, sell their mother down the river, and betray people who love them the most just to get a peice of one. rather pathetic really.. and is why most of those i call "friend" are men. "sue" has already betrayed her lifelong friend because some GUY doesnt like her. im afraid if you attempt to mend this rift.. youll only be putting yerself on the sidelnes as well. (personally.. i wouldnt WANT a friend thatd do this type of thing to someone.. but thats just me) try to be there for "jen" as best you can.. but sue has made her choices, and threw jen away like she was nothing.. all for a peice of a55. 
1 person likes this
@II2aTee (2559)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Yeah, it just sucks then "Jen" has to go through this hard time without her lifelong friend. I mean of course -I- am going to be there for her every step of the way but the fact that her lifelong friend isnt in the picture id just that much more pain for her.
I dont get it Tess.. I just dont get it. Jen is the sweetest person in the WORLD. She wouldnt hurt anyone and she would be wracked with guilt if she ever upset someone. But just because this guy dosent like her for some reason (we still dont know what his problem is) "Sue" wont give her the time of day. And I really like Sue, but its really awkward being in the middle. But thats where I wanted to stay because I dont like getting meddling in other people friendships.
Le sigh. Something in me just wants to call Sue and tell her to snap out of it... but that would be the end of my long maintained neutrality. I mean if I called her and told her that Jens dog and father are dieing and she needs her best friend back... I dont know what would happen.
This fight between Sue and Jen has kinda been the "elephant in the room". We all know its there but no one will talk about it.
2 people like this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
7 Oct 08
truth of it is Tee.. there isnt anything he doesnt like about her.. nothing personally. you give it time, and youll be nudged out as well.. along with everyone else in sues life. thats the pattern.. the all controlling abusive person.. will slowly and meticulously edge out everyone possible until they are the only ones left for the person to turn to for anything.. making them dependant upon them.. therefore ensuring they dont leave. hes already gotten a pwertrip in getting her to reject a friend shes had all of her life.. more will follow, i promise you. ive seen it too often.. sadly. if you were to call and lay out jens problems to sue.. more than likely, jen would be upset over the pity phone call she would then receive, to just then again be thrown away again.. which is what would happen. just be her good friend.. which is what she needs. and dont be too surprised when sue stops calling you as frequently.. and the time you spend together gets less and less until it disappears entirely.
1 person likes this
@II2aTee (2559)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Wow, how did you get so smart? Truth is what you are saying has already started happening. The difference with me is that I'm the kind of person who could go for years without talking to someone, run into them in the store and pick right back up where we left off. I dont mind being brushed aside... I know that people meet people, get doing their own thing, and sometimes its just not possible to pick up the phone or fire off an email sometimes. People loose touch with other people and I'm ok with that.
But I think you are right. I really do. I think I should just keep doing what I'm doing for Jen and be there for her. I dont want to betray her trust in me.
But I am just trying to find ways to help her through this and I thought well maybe if she had her best friend back it wouldnt hurt as much. But after all that has happened I'm not even so sure Jen wants her best friend back.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
8 Oct 08
If I were in your situation, I would definitely call Sue and tell her all that's going on with Jen. What Sue decides to do with the information is up to her.
Us women are so stupid when we get a man in our lives. We neglect our girlfriends to spend time with the man... it happens all of the time. And the irony is that part of what made us attractive to the man was our independence and friendships outside of the relationship with him. Then we close off those friendships, and the relationship becomes more strained because we aren't having enough "friend" time.
1 person likes this
@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
7 Oct 08
This is a tricky situation to say the least. Jen is in a position where the last thing she needs right now is one more thing to deal with, but at the same time, I think having and old friend around may do her some good. I think I would call Sue and tell her what is going on, but I would let Sue make the decision of whether or not to approach Jen. I would definitely not make any recommendations in that aspect, but I would tell Sue what is happening. Who knows...maybe this will get them back together?
1 person likes this
@II2aTee (2559)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Yes, exactly! That would be the best case scenerio. Maybe Sue would call Jen and let her know that she has missed her and wants to be there for her.
But on the other hand, she might keep on ignoring Jen.
Or maybe she will call Jen, and Sue dosnt want her friendship back after the insult of being dismissed for a guy. Then Jen might get mad at ME for telling Sue.
I mean, is it really my place to tell anyone about what Jen is going through? These hardships are very personal for her and she might not appreciate me blabbing about it to someone she no longer considers a friend?
2 people like this
@fiona08 (454)
• United States
8 Oct 08
This is a tough situation, indeed. I think if I were you, I would take a chance and talk to Sue. She might feel really horrible if she let's Jen go through all this on her own. I would just tell her you need to talk to her. Without putting her on the defensive, I would ask her if there is a reason she has quit talking to Jen. Maybe she feels she has been wronged somehow. It it really sad to see two very good friends silently give up on each other. Maybe a good communication session with you is all Sue needs to straighten her out. And if in the end Jen still ends up without Sue, at least you tried. I think Jen would forgive you for talking to Sue on her behalf. She might really wish someone would help her out. Good luck Tee.
1 person likes this
@jianguichun (13)
• China
8 Oct 08
It is difficulty to make choice in that situation.In my opinion,you should call Sue about the situaton about Jen,and tell her that this fight needs to end.Love is blind.When peoples meet someone that love,they will forget the whole world.As the time passed,all will be ok.Sue dont want lose her best friend,I think.Now so bad things happen to Jen,Sue can make good choice too.
@livewyre (2450)
•
11 Oct 08
Hi Tee
I think you are on a hiding to nothing here, I can see you want to make things right, but if they have 'naturally' grown apart, that's not going to be something that you can 'fix' - even if it worked short-term, the fact remains that 'Sue' is wrapped up in her man (rightly or wrongly) and you can't change that. Some people do that, they cut of their friends when they find a partner, and they dote on that one relationship as if that is all that matters.
The one thing you can do is to be there for 'Jen', you have not been around as long as Sue, but it sure sounds like you have more to offer. Sue may come around in time (especially if her man gets claustrophobic). To answer the questions?
Should you call Sue? (IMHO) No, let things take their course...
Should you stay out of it? hell yes, there are more helpful things a guy can do than try to mess with friendship between two girls...
There is nothing wrong with continuing to be friends with both ladies, but I don't think it would be wise to try and broker a renewed friendship - could end up your fault if it all goes wrong..
@howard96h (11640)
• New York, New York
7 Oct 08
Hi Tee, if it was me I would stay out of it like you have been doing. Many times when people hook up together they get jealous of their lover's friends and maybe Sue's boyfriend is so insecure in their relationship that this is the reason why he doesn't like Jen and wants to keep them apart. This is not Jen's fault, sounds like he wants to keep Sue locked up at home away from Jen and everyone else and Sue is also wrong for allowing this. I don't see why Sue can't have both, a lover and a best friend but no, she has chosen to dump her for a man and I won't be the least bit surprised when the day comes and Sue gets dumped who do you think she is going to call - ring...ring...ring...hello, can I speak with Jen!
@II2aTee (2559)
• United States
7 Oct 08
I think your right and its really only a matter of time, but I need to allow it to play out. My heart just aches for Jen because shes a real sweetheart and dosent deserve this kind of treatment. But at the same time I dont wantto betray her trust. SHe and I have become very close and I dont want her to think I am meddling in her affairs with Sue because I have managed to keep my nose out of it all this time (NOT an easy task).
Sometimes I'm glad I dont have to date women... they are too complex for little simple minded me.
2 people like this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
8 Oct 08
if you call sue and unload jens problems to her, you are just burrying yourself deeper in the middle of them. my advice? tell them they NEED to talk to each other.
my hubby is a middle child and my father in law has been recently diagnosed with altzheimers and hubby's older sister feel like she needs to take charge and has been ordering her mother around (sell the house, etc) and now mother and daugher are ticked at each other and my hubby is in the middle and i have told him the same thing i am telling you.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
7 Oct 08
If I were you I would call Sue up and tell her what is going on with Jen. You are right, right now Jen needs all the friends and love that she can get, because she has great loss looming right ahead. Its sad when you lose people that you love, but its even worse when you know ahead of time that its coming. Sure you get a chance to do things with them that you hadn't done, but it takes out of you knowing that they won't be around much longer. The fight that Sue and Jen are having is way too petty for Sue to overlook what Jen is going through, and if it isn't, maybe Sue isn't the friend that you guys thought she was. But I would definitely call Sue up and try to at least start the mending between them. Jen is going to need lots of hugs, lots of love over this ensuing period in her life.
1 person likes this
@applefreak (3130)
• Singapore
9 Oct 08
yes this is a really complicated situation. Jen is indeed going through a tough time and needs all the support she can get. but maybe you shouldn't be rushing to call Sue. the main issue is the new man in Sue's life. is she going to let him go anytime? if not, there is no way to resolve the issue.
if i'm in your shoes, i'll try to be there for Jen all the time. i believe bad things come in threes and i hope it's true for Jen's case. she has lost her best friend, her dog and her father figure. things will just get better from now.
@Pose123 (21635)
• Canada
7 Oct 08
Hi Tee, I agree that it is a very complicated situation, but we can't change another person or tell them what they should do. I think that you have been very wise to stay out of it so far. May I suggest that you call Sue as a friend to see how she is doing. During the conversation, mention what has been happening with Jen, and move on to other things. Try not to give the impression that you called only to tell her about Jen. I don't think you can get them to be friends again as it appears only Sue can do that. Thread carefully my friend. Blessings.
@II2aTee (2559)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Sage advice as always, my friend. Thank you very much for helping me work this out. That might be the best way to approach this. "Sue" and I do touch base every couple weeks just to chit chat and make sure we are both ok. We havent remained as close as we were at first but I have allowed her her room for her new relationship... it's been the only thing that saved my friendship with her.
Thank you again for your advice, its very appreciated!
Tee
2 people like this
@bournecaindelta (2477)
• India
8 Oct 08
There was an SMS doing rounds here in my city some days ago. It explained how exactly friends end up getting split. It went something like this. I do not know the exact lines but I'll try to put it in an understandable way. One friend got busy with something and stopped calling a best friend. The best friend thought that maybe something was wrong and didn't call. The friend 1 thinks that friend 2 doesn't want to talk and doesn't call and this goes on and they end up not talking to each other.
The only advice I can give you here is , you can talk to Sue about it and express the problem, but do not suggest a solution. You do not ask her to call Jen, but sure tell her how Jen considers this a bad year because she lost a friend, and is going to lose. Sometimes things just go bad even if we do not know about them. But it's never too late to set things right..
bourne
@sanjo0679 (225)
• United States
8 Oct 08
My heart goes out to Jen, Tee. The feeling of losing your best friend is traumatic enough without having other major issues dumped on you. The next time you speak with Sue, I would mention Jen's situation. Perhaps she'll come around and give Jen a call. Hopefully her boyfriend isn't a control freak and made her chose between Jen and him. If that's the case, she needs to get rid of him now.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
7 Oct 08
i think you need to call sue and let her know whatis happening to jen since they used to be best friend no matter what... i think sue should not betray the friendship just because she has a man now because she knows jen much longer before she knows the man... anyway, it really up to sue to make the decision... i hope after you tell her about jen's situations, she will change her mind and make friends with jen again... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
@Stephanie5 (2946)
• United States
8 Oct 08
That is a tough situation! If I were in that situation I would probably just leave it alone. What if you call Sue and she just ends up doing the same thing to Jen again. Jen doesn't need that and like you said, you don't want or need to be caught in the middle!
Good Luck Honey! Just be there for Jen. :-)
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
8 Oct 08
Question. Did Sue know Jen's father figure? If so, then call her right away. If not, then feel out Sue and see if she is ready to talk to Jen. If so, then tell her about all her troubles. If she isn't into mending fences, then don't tell her about Jen.She doesn't need to be brushed off by Sue once again. She needs support and if Sue can't give it, she should stay away.
@hermitcrabheaven (645)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Have you talked to Jen at all about how she would feel if you told Sue? Or have you suggested that maybe she try to contact Sue so she can get the support she needs? It's a tough one. I think I would not do anything that Jen did not want me to do or you'll risk losing her friendship, and she definitely needs you right now and for some time to come.
@betsyraeduke (2670)
• United States
7 Oct 08
Wow, that is a rough situation. Personally I don't feel that any bf, gf or s/o of any sort that forces or makes one feel as if they have to choose between their friends and them are worth a crap, but apparently, Sue does not see it that way.
If I was in your situation I would try to explain to Sue about Jen, but be careful not to sound accusatory when you do and also do not expect to much. If Sue still will not talk to Jen, then remember that no matter how much you may wish to bring these people back together, it may not be in your power to do so and pushing to hard could cause problems between you and Sue.
If you can not get Sue to talk to Jen, then just be there as much for Jen yourself as you can and give her as much support and love as possible.
Ok, my reply probably sounds obvious and lame I know, but that is what I would do and that is all I know of that you can do. I hope things get better for your friend.
@momandtim (37)
• United States
7 Oct 08
You should talk to Sue in a calm way. Don't be pushy. Remind her of the friendship that she had with Jen and let her know how much Jen needs her (still in a calm loving manner). If that doesn't sink in ask her to put herself in Jen's shoes and how she would feel if she were Jen. If she's open to discussion go ahead if not then let her know that you are still her friend and that you are Jen's friend to and that you were following your heart in trying to help two really good friends that you truly care about, however, that you are not going to push this on her and that no matter what she decides to do she will always be your friend and let it go at that.
