Husband on his want to move to a seniors home again

@suspenseful (40316)
Canada
October 16, 2008 8:52am CST
The physiotherapist says she has done all she could. My husband's balance may not return. Now my husband is talking, oh insisting about moving to a senior's home again. I thought he had scrapped that idea, and we were getting the house fixed up for us to live in. He is still getting the brace for his leg, but now he talks about a walker, and it would be easier for us, but unless we move to a place where I can get a ride to my church - as he will not do it - I will not go. So I need more ammunition. Here is what is happening. We are getting a rail for the front steps, and we will be getting the basement fixed up as soon as we get rid of the pool table, and then we will do the upstairs, and last the back yard. So after this, there is no point of us moving is there? He says because I am borderline or threatening diabetes (it might be reversed) and because of my lump in my br*st, that I might need to go into one myself. He thinks I am going to deteriorate any moment, get in a wheelchair, have a stroke (my blood pressure was normal at the checkup, by the way) and I think he wishes it could happen so it would be an excuse to move and he thinks I am being selfish, but I think he is being selfish. He thinks that everything will be fine and we will be happy, but he will be sitting in the chair and hardly getting out and not doing anything and of course if there are trips to the State, sorry he cannot go because he cannot walk. I also think it will cost more. Our house is paid for and all we have is the insurance, using the car, and the medical insurance. So is it cheaper to live in a senior's home that allows for people who need walkers, and some help, or to stay in your own home?
5 people like this
19 responses
@AmbiePam (48680)
• United States
17 Oct 08
Since you are the one who seems to be taking care of everything, I cautiously say to do what you think is best. I say cautiously because since I'm not there with you experiencing what you are, I don't want to rush to any judgment. But you are the one who is having to deal with so much, and if you feel staying in your home will continue to help you, by all means, it should be mostly up to you. A house that is paid for is such an advantage, and if you sold it now you might not get the full price of what is is worth. I don't know how Canada's economy is, but in the U.S. right now it is definitely a buyer's market, which isn't good for people looking to sell.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
I am hoping as time goes on, that he delays wanting to move into a plus 55 apartment when he figures out the cost, and the cost of moving all our stuff, and that we will have to get a new Tv, new this and that, and we will have to get rid of lots of our stuff, including my books as there will not be enough room. I mean we live in a three bedroom house right now and even though the basement is not used, once we get rid of the freezer and the bookcases down there, how can we move into a place that has a master bedroom, plus a guest bedroom, and a combination living and dining room? It is all right if you hardly got anything and if you do not have that long to live, but with me might have diabetes, if we move into a plus 55 apartment or bungalow, where is the incentive for me to fight on living or eating healthy?
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (48680)
• United States
26 Oct 08
Very true. And since you keep everything up and running, it is essential you feel comfortable where you live.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
I would not have minded traveling, but to stay in an apartment and I am sure my husband will not get around that much even then. And it would be a big expense if we move and right now, I have a spinit organ that we will have to get rid of, but before I do I will want to have enough money to buy a yAMAHA keyboard to replace it and not a small one either because of wanting to continue my singing and I want to continue my writing and want a better printer and a laptop, a very good one since I am writing fantasy and need to invent songs, make maps etc. for the novel. Then there is the writing books.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Oct 08
suspenseful for Gods sakes make him understand that nursing homes are pure hell unless you are very wealthy. no stay in your home home where you will have self respect, privacy, good food, friends, good care of each other, and no stench of urine and feces. I spent a month of pure misery in a so c alled care house because I needed physical therapy for my shoulder joint replacement,it was just plain awful, the food was lousy, the service haphazard and noncaring, the treatment if you were over forty five you were treated as an imbecile.no stay in your home, its paid for as for diabetes its easily treatable and you dont need a nursing home for that I am 82 and have had diabetes since I was 55, I live with myson, I am mentally capable, physically capable and wou ld never go to a nursing home.You can stay in your own home and use a walker, you can get a visiting nurse to come by ocassionally if needed, dont cope out to a nursing home, they are just dreadful, believe me.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 08
My husband is getting worse, and I do a lot of the stuff now, but I do not mind. I went out and pruned the apple tree, and I help him get his jacket on, and help him walk to the garage. There are other things I can do so we do not need to move to a seniors home for me to do that.
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
17 Oct 08
it depends. are their agencies in your area where you can get financial help for fixing up your house in the style that can accomodate you? there are here in canada and we have a friend who is our age but has had a stroke and the agency has come in and put all sorts of special devices for him to use.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
We also live in Canada and we can get discounts and I am sure that his doctor can give him the okay to get a walker and for him to use the handicapped parking sticker. I do not know about putting a ramp in our house. If we had a patio door, then it would be no problem, but we have a regular bungalow with four steps going out the front and one at the back and there are three steps leading to the landing just before the back step, plus the garage is some yards away, so we would have to build a ramp from the back door to inside the garage, plus widen the bathroom door.
@stryker5 (52)
• United States
17 Oct 08
WOW!! After reading all these posts you have a lot on your plate. I think that maybe his main problem might be depression. I watched my father-in-law, who was once a very strong and independent individual, slowly deteriorate because of bone cancer. It got to where he couldn't get around without a walker and most of the time could not get out of bed by himself. My mother-in-law, who is a very petite individual, had to do everything for him. Little by little the depression took over. He didn't see himself as a man anymore because he couldn't take care of his wife or do the things he used to do. Loosing your independence, even if it is mobility, can wreak havoc on how you feel and view life. You start thinking about things that you never really paid much attention to. I also have a neighbor lady, who is well into her 60's, and she is not doing so good. Recently, her first boyfriend and her have started spending a lot of time together. She has had a ramp installed so that he can come in when she goes and picks him up. He has proposed to her and she loves him very much but refuses to marry him because they are both terminally ill. She is extremely independent and he is extremely well off. He offers to help her and she refuses to let him. They both refuse to go to a nursing home or anything like that. My point is that you 2 have to what is best for both of you. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter what all of us say because we are not living your life and we are not in your shoes. To me though, it sounds like he has already made up his mind about loosing his independence. There are too many options out there for him to give up so easily.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
I figure that is what it is. It could be that the mood center is close to the balance section. I am no nurse, but if the balance does not work, then he will get depressed. I plan to stay here in the house as long as possible and I think he is all for the romantic part of being with his old friends who used to be working at the railway. But the two who live in a plus 55, one is divorced and one lost his wife, so the women are not with them. There is also my great mother-in=law and she is a widow so it is a different story. And those members of the church who live in a plus 55, never owned their homes or at least, did not pay it off, but we did.
@lingli_78 (12846)
• Australia
17 Oct 08
i'm so sorry to hear about what is happening with you and your hubby... seems like both of you are having a hard time and need to care each other... all i can say is please try to have a nice talk with your hubby again to reach a compromise... if you and your hubby think that both of you still can managed by your own without help from anybody, then i will say staying at home is better... you got more room and privacy... but again it is entirely up to the two of you... i will pray for both of you and hopefully God will give you the strength to go through this hard time... take care and have a nice day...
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
27 Oct 08
I hope he changes his mind. If we can get the house fixed up, then he might. It is just that his family has strokes on both sides and that is frustrating. And I do not want to shorten my own life by moving into a plus 55. What I am afraid of is besides him dying first, is that they will tell me to move from a bungalow into an apartment and I will have to get rid of most of my writing equipment. And the other fear is that there will not be enough money for me to buy a small house after that, or to travel. So no matter what I will lose.
@kerriannc (4281)
• Jamaica
16 Oct 08
Hello Suspenseful, I think I have to agree with your husband. It will be better if you go to the home and get a whole day care. Some times I know person prefer to be at home and have a home carer but sometimes these home care personal does not take care of the patients the way he/she will do at the home. Seeing that you will be have an operation you will be needing the best care and I would advise that you consider and make the right choice. Regarding church I should believe that the members of your congregation will be willing to take turns in assisting you to attend church. So try and look inside the situation and please to make the right choice. I will be asking my pastor friend to say a word of prayer for you. Take care of yourself and your husband. God be with you. Kerry
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
I do not want to go, not yet. But my husband thinks that any church will do so he really does not care if we live in another district. I know there is a place I want to go,and I can get ride from there, but he just looks on the outside, and thinks that is enough. And when we get there, I mean he cannot get around much now without a cane, and what is he going to do in an apartment complex? Unless we get o on the main floor, we will have to go to the elevator and then have to walk down the hall to the front steps. Not only that, these apartment complexes are hardly near the Mall. If they were within walking district or just across the road, then it would be not a problem, but here in Winnipeg they are not. And whatever grocery stores are near raise their prices on the essentials. At least here we can drive to Superstore and if my husband cannot drive, I can take a shopping cart, and order the frozen stuff to be delivered.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60832)
• United States
17 Oct 08
The government has discovered it is cheaper to have people at home, even paying to have helpers come in and doctors to come in than to have them in nursing homes. Nursing homes are not safer, you have less stuff, things get stolen and most are not as nice as my mom's - and even then she sometimes calls one of us kids up and tells us she's in prison.
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
16 Oct 08
A whop;e lot cheaper to stay in own home . its paid for you dont put out all your money to be cared for!. They take all my moms SS every month for the room she says in. and they dont furnish any thing else we have to pay for someone to be there for her to shower have to pay for the depends I just dont know why it cost her over $1500 a month and all I see they do is feed her. She dont eat all that much!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
He thinks that we can sell the house, and pay rent, but there are other expenses. I am either borderline or nearly diabetic. Our food bill was larger because of the extra fruits and vegetables and salad stuff we had to get because in order for me to reverse my sugar, I have to have at least five serving of fruit or vegetables a day. Two, I may not have a garden, but I have a raspberry and strawberry patch and two blue berry bushes that are now growing and next year I want to get some tomato plants in containers and maybe have a box filled of dirt. I will not be able to get that in an apartment complex. Three, I can walk to the grocery store if need be, and it is fairly reasonable. We were shopping at the grocery store near some senior apartments and the food prices were so much higher. So it is cheaper here.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
16 Oct 08
you bet its cheaper when you have some where to grow things and also its paid for . Does he want to use up the house money that you would get from it to pay rent! I sure wouldnt!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
I say it is cheaper. Maybe he is mad because I am on myLot, and he has nothing to do. He thinks I am wasting my time here, but I also write my novel. And that reminds me, have not done it for the last couple of days nor my singing either. But now that the biopsy has been done, I should get back to it.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
16 Oct 08
Well your home is paid for so nothing can be cheaper than that can it? Free? I just don't understand WHY your husband is so obcessed with this going into a home thing..Unless you are just almost totally disabled i see no reason to go into a home..Thats the last thing i would want to do..I think since this is not something you want to do,then maybe you could consider waiting until you need assisstance before going into one,,..as far as your husband it seems like he just wants to give up..As long as you can live independitly i don;t know why your husband is so insistant...I really don't know what to tell you..I am not sure what ages you and your husband are..i know my Mom lived by herself and she was 88 when she passed away & she was still doing everything herself..
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
17 Oct 08
OMG Suspensful that is not that old at all....I guess to me age is just a number and i have many friends your age that holds down a job daily.You cannot even draw full benefits here in Texas until age 66 ...I don't know what to say about your husband..he is younger than you are and yet hes acting sooo old.....My aunt is 75 ,drives everywhere,keeps a big house AND VERY ACTIVE..mY SISTER is 74 and draws social securiy (early) and works doing demo's in stores..She has health problems too but she is treated by her doctor.....My friend is 66 and works every day at law enforcement at a college here in Houston...
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
I do not drive a car. I had lessons once, but when I ran into that tree, my husband decided no more. I have been watching him drive so I could take over, just in case. But I am not old. I do not want to get crippled up or need a walker. I am hoping my husband regains his balance, but unfortunately the physiotherapist said that he is not improving, in fact he is staying just the same. And even though there are sites on the internet that says that he can, he does not believe them.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
26 Oct 08
No you are not old...but it seems your husband is trying to make you old because he is having problems...It also seems your husband tells you what you can or cannot do...If i were you i would learn to drive and stop depending on my husband to always do it...It is not hard suspenseful,its just a little practice is all you need.If you learn to drive ,you would be surprised how much more independant you would feel..In these days a woman needs to know how to drive,its a must so i would get out there and learn ,and regardless of what your husband is saying , not driving is holding you back and making you more dependant on him...I am just trying to encourage you and not trying to say anything about your husband...
1 person likes this
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
16 Oct 08
I do not understand your husband. What is his main worry? Is he tired of maintaning the home? the garden? fixing things around the home? Paying someone to do these things will be cheaper than to go to a home. You aren ot selfish, he is. Does he know how living in senior's home will be like? It is not what they show on the movies btw. You and and Dr need to talk to him. Someone who he can see will not take sides and givd real information. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
17 Oct 08
There are people who make a living doing these things, and there are ways to check for people's credentials too, I also feel you need intervetion, another person who can speak and make him understand that he needs to be thinking what is best for both of you, not just him.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
Even with a plus 55, he cannot go in a regular one, it has have extended care, and that means that we have to pay more, the bathrooms have to be fitted for people in wheelchairs, etc. And he has no idea what it is like even in one that allows people who are not ready to die yet. His mother was in an extended care home, one where the people were not incapacitated, but could get around with walkers, canes, and those scooters, but his mother was in her mid seventies when she went in, and she had also a broken hip and soft bones, but my husband is 62 and I am 65 and even though he might die when he is 70, I might live to way into my eighties and beyond.
• United States
4 Nov 08
This one is a doozie! I will speak from my point of view. I'm not a big fan of nursing homes. BUT there are very nice ones out there. More like Senior citizen homes. I know you said that your home is paid for and that is a great thing because that allows you to be more comfortable and less stressed about how you are going to pay a mortgage.But do you think that you are capable of handling your husband considering the fact that he cant walk? That is a huge responsibilty and your body may not allow you to handle that well. Now even if you don't want to move that is fine, you can alwas hire a nurse who can help with all the extra work around the house, including your husband. I personally wouldn't want to go into a senior citizen home unless I had to. And considering the fact that you stated you have a basement means to me that you have stairs. This alone isn't going to be easy expecially since your husband is in a wheelchair. You must weigh the pros and the cons when dealing with this situation. he might be coming off a bit selfish but you might be coming off a bit selfish as well. Something you might have to ponder on a little bit longer. Try to step outside the box for a minute to get a glimpse of the bigger picture.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 08
It is just that here the plus 55 homes are not near the shopping centers or the malls where you get the best bargains, and there is none within walking distance of my church or the ones affiliated with it. We are getting our house fixed up so he can get around with it better. But if he goes into a senior home, I will have to go along and I will not see any children or young people or a variety. It is all right when you are young, but wait until you are in a place where all you see are people in walkers, scooters, wheelchairs, crippled, etc.
@dragon54u (31605)
• United States
25 Oct 08
Senior homes are VERY expensive! At least here in the States, they are. You'd do better to stay in your own home until you absolutely have to move. Why is he so keen on moving, anyway? Most people fight to stay away from senior homes, he's begging to get into one! Besides, if you sell your house now you'll not get enough to live on for very long, it's a horrible time to sell. And staying at a senior home will cost hundreds per month for each of you, maybe a couple of thousand!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
The government pays much, and it regulates it at thirty percent of our income, but even then if will prevent me from saving money since everytime I save a bit, it will take that amount off the top.
• Australia
17 Oct 08
There are always pros and cons with every situation. In your case, moving into a seniors' home could prove to be beneficial too you know, especially since both you and your husband got your respective health problems now. You may still be mobile and may still be able to do simple chores around your house, but your husband obviously can't anymore and he probably doesn't want to put the extra burden of looking after him on you as well. You don't want to leave the comfort of your own home as you feel comfortable there, being in a familiar surrounding. But living in a seniors place, living with people in the same generation like yours, wouldn't that be as comforting too? I'm sure you'd be able find new set of friends whom you can do things together with, like excursions, shopping, physical activities, etc. Unless you've got families who pays you a visit on a regular basis and/or who are willing to look after you both 24/7, in my opinion you would be better off in a facility where both your health and wellbeing will be given due consideration and priority. I know you love your home and have probably lived there almost your entire married life, but if you will have it renovated now and restored into its full glory again, you'll only be spending your hard-earned savings on the house that you might not live in for long anyway. If, knock on wood, one of you suddenly "got called", how would the surviving one will live? If you're the surviving one, how would you plan to get on with your life then? For as long as you and your husband are together, living in retirement either in a 55+ place, a seniors' place, a retirement village or a nursing home, I believe can and will still be a happy place to be. It only becomes dreadful if you're just by yourself and nobody from your family even bothers to pay you a visit at least.
@subha12 (18453)
• India
17 Oct 08
I think he is thinking too much about his difficulties. when people become sick, they think so. boost his morale and make him understand to stay with you. hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@cripfemme (7718)
• United States
16 Oct 08
I think he might just be afraid of being too much of a burden on you which many newly disabled people feel like they are. However, you seem to have got it together pretty well. You're modifying the house and everything. I wish my parents would do that. I've been disabled everyday of my 32 years and they're still not up to par on that standard. If it would help your husband to talk to someone who's been through all this I could talk to him or I could recommend other people (maybe he would prefer a man) to do so.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
His sister had the same problem, mini strokes one after the other, but at that time, she was living in an apartment. And when she got too bad, then she went into a nursing home, but by that time, she was really bad, could not feed herself, could not even move the spoon to her mouth, but my husband can still walk around and I am doing much of the stuff around the house.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
16 Oct 08
Maybe he is seeing the house as too much to keep up. I know my grandma just got to the point that it was too overwhelming. Her house was very handicap accessible, but just too much to worry about. Keep an open mind and check into things. Sit down and do the pros and cons together. There may be more to his thinking than you realize.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
He does not think I can handle anything. But already I can do the yard work, and I do the cooking and cleaning anyway and we have our sons who will come and clean out the basement once the pool table is done. And if he cashes in his stocks at the right time before he is seventy, then I will have more than enough. So financially I'm set. The house is also paid for so it will just be the insurance and since I am now getting medicine to lower my sugar, I am not so tired as I used to be, so things can be all right.
@ellie333 (21029)
16 Oct 08
Hi Suspenseful, I like you thought he had knocked this idea on the head. I know how much you want to stay in your own home and it is sad that he doesn't, I know I would want to stay in my own home too and really can't understand why he is so insistent and a senior's home yet again. Maybe he is genuinely worried over both your health and feel with an onsite warden to hand his worry factor will be eliminated. It must be hard when you have been so active to face disability in some way but your house with the adaptions should be fine. I think this is one you will both argue over for some time yet to come. I know your church means a lot to you also so that would be something else you would have to give up as well as your home. I hope you can both reach an amicable agreement on this one. Financially paying for help would probably be more enconomical too. Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
I would rather pay for help. There are some young men in our church who will be willing to help and we are fixing the house up. But he comes from a background where you only fix up the house if you are going to sell it, and we have never ever lived in a house with the basement finished or the yard perfect. So here it was the time when we had no more mortgage, the house was ours, and now instead of fixing it up because he wants to live in it, and get someone in to help us, he wants to sell and move to a senior citizen home or over 55 residence and with his needing a cane, he will not be able to get into the good ones, just the ones before the nursing homes. Not only that, I will have to go too and with the threat of br*st cancer and the options, I might just let it go because I do not want to spend the next twenty-five years in the senior's complex as I am like my grandmother who was very active up until the last years of year life. So this decision of my husband may determine whether I will take chemo if it comes to that, surgery, or just the natural route of herbs and medicines.
@Munchkin547 (2779)
16 Oct 08
This must be really tough for you, especially with everything else you have on your mind at the moment. I think people often find it difficult to admit that they are struggling to cope, although it doesn't sound as though you are struggling too much, once you have made the changes to your home then hopefully your husband will find it easier. I don't know about the cost of living in a seniors home because they vary from place to place, although if your house is paid for then i certainly don't think it is going to be cheaper. Maybe your husband thinks he is helping you out by making this suggestion because he doesn't want to put too much strain on you while he isn't able to do as much around the home as he used to? xxx
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Oct 08
Our home is paid for and I heard that with the 55 plus homes that they decide how much you pay based on your income. Right now, we have thirty percent that we do not have to pay for our house since it is all paid for, and just think of having to fork over that thirty percent a month for an apartment and that is on top of the food we will have to buy, not to mention, that it might not be as cheap as we get the food now. There might not be a Superstore near where it is. That is something like the big Walmart Stores that sell groceries and everything down in the States. And the grocery stores might raise their prices because of the seniors living nearby. So it is cheaper staying where we are.
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
16 Oct 08
Nursing Homes are not all expensive. If a person is handicapped a nursing home is a good option. If your husband can't get around, he will need nursing care in your own home. This can be very expensive!I can understand him not wanting to spend a large amount on the house. This money may be needed later for health concerns. You are not exactly healthy either, and if you get sick who will cook and be there for your husband? I think your man has the right answer! Nursing Homes are becoming increasingly popular with health conscious seniors. My Parents signed themselves in to the local nursing home and they lived happily there until their passing four years later.
1 person likes this