HELP!! I need advice on the appropriate punishment.

First off you don't punish a child for not having a bowel movement. You reward him when hes successful. Does he ever sit down to eat a meal? If he does have him take time out after the meal to go and sit on the toilet. Chances are he will have a bowel movement after he's eaten.

punishing a child for biological function (or lack thereof) really isnt wise and rather counterproductive. making the situation more stressful is only going to make it harder for him to go. yes, hes 9 years old and should have a grip on himself by now.. but theres got to be a deeper problem at the root of this. id suggest feeding the boy a more fiber rich diet thatll make it easier for him to go.. constant constipation is rather painful, whichll also compound the problem and make him not wanna go, which makes him hold it longer..proving his theory that when he DOES go.. its gonna hurt. see the vicious cycle? talk to his pediatrician.. get some input on how to adjust his diet to make his body a little more "poop" friendly.. he might even suggest a stool softener. i know the situation has got to be stressful for you as well.. but i bet its worse on him. try to find the patience to help him.. itll all work out in the end (no pun intended )

I don't' know what you should do to punish him, but do you know why he doesn't poop? Is he afraid that it will hurt or something? Honestly, I would be sneaking extra fiber into his food (like that benefiber stuff) and giving him chocolate laxitive and passing them off as candy!

WOW!!! I don't know, but making him clean up the mess is a good start. On the other hand, maybe he's punnishing himself for something. Who knows? Did the councellor touch on any inner fears and upsets that he may have that may be causing him to do this? I really don't know what to say.

My brother has been through this with my nephew when he was five. They had to give him pills and put a hose up his butt to get it out. I can see how holding it for such a long time can produce a massive amount of poop. It should hurt him, too. He kind of outgrew it though, especially when they made less of a fuss of it. I don't think though that this is a psychological matter but a matter of not being able to get it out. I mean have you ever tried to hold it and hold it? Eventually you just really can't anymore. I know males don't go as often as us females. Most I know go every other or only every three days. You should research this matter online. He is probably not the only one with that problem. But to me it appears to be more medical than anything else. Pooping is a natural reflex and being able to hold it is trained. Maybe what we call a balanced diet is still not good enough for him. Maybe he needs to eat lots of fruits and stuff to soften it up. But at this age, punishing him is probably not the way to go anymore but might make matters worse. Same for any rewards or such. My guess is he is actually ashamed of his problem and doesn't want to have it discussed anymore. Research it, see what you can come up with. Although his doctor might say there is nothing wrong with him medically doesn't mean that it is true. It's not always all in the head, you know, just because the doctor doesn't have an answer;)

Have you tried putting some fibercal or stool softener or even a laxative in his food/drink? Maybe the stool softener will make it so that he doesn't have a choice but to go on a daily basis. The laxative probably wouldn't be great but the stool softener wouldn't hurt him. Hope it works/helps. Good luck...

Punishing him and getting upset over the matter could just make it worse. you said you've seen the doctor about this issue of his right? well, it may not be a physical thing because if he's holding it in on his own then it is more of a mental problem. it may need more therapy then counseling. first you have to figure out why he's doing this. with this you have to find a way to calmly talk to him about this matter, he may be 9 but he still gets scared of mommy when she gets mad. this makes them not was to talk and because is about something like 'pooping' he might get embarrassed. now, you don't always HAVE to have a bowl movement every day. i kids don't, hell i don't. so its normal to go a day or two without one. as far as diet wise goes, you may have to push more of the fiber foods. my son had serious constipation for about 4 days where he was in pain and frustrated that it wasn't coming out. the doctor told me to hydrate him more and lots of bananas. you could try something like that. make sure he drinks MORE the 8 cups of water a day and plus some with other liquids. reduce milk intake if he drinks a lot of milk and cancel out all artificial juices and sodas. that may help, but it could also be a possibility that the kids just poops a lot. my husband's poops are massive and does clog sometimes. my sons are young but could be headed towards a similar route. but seriously, please don't punish him, it will make him feel worse about just pooping. talk with him and ask him why he holds it in, when he feels like he need to go tell him he should go. talk with some child therapist if you can get through to him. its possible that something traumatic happened to him which makes him not want to poop as much. take it slowly and he should eventually get better.

There is usually a reason that kids do that, it could be many problems, my son did that for while, it started with being scared to use the bathroom at school, then carried over into home life. What I did, and make sure he is at home for a few days if you decide to do it, is I added more fiber to his diet --- this literally forced the issue. I made brownies with prune juice instead of water, I made kool-aid (grape) and again used part water and part prune juice. I gave him high fiber cereal. He could not physically hold it in no matter how hard he tried. I kept up the fiber thing until the pooping became a habit. And I went to the school and explained how the older kids were terrorizing the little ones in the bathroom as a result the bathrooms were divided by grade level. Hope this helps. Making him cleanup is good - that is a consequence - but don't punish him or make a big deal, when the event is done it is done. Have you considered a power flush toilet?

give him a swirly everytime he clogs the toilet... I am kidding before I get flamed for that suggestion. I don't really have advice other than making him unclog the toilet when he clogs it and clean up any spillage.

Can he rally decide this himself? Maybe there is something other than his will that controls this? It sounds like there is a serious problem though that needs to be handled. Doesn't the people that counseled him have some suggestions for you? I'd think that would be a part of their job with him - to cooperate with you on how you should react. My first thought is that I do not think punishment will help - but then I do not know the boy or what have been tried before either. If you are sure he does this on purpose for some reason and punishment is the way to go I'd try taking away a privelege or something that he loves until he cooperate. make bathroom visits part of a daily routine and failure to follow the routine will result in something taken away - like tv-time. I hope you'll be able to solve it. I do not think this can be a good situation for him neither. Good luck.

WTF?! That's so funny and so sick and so...weird, all at the same time! I personally would lock him in the bathroom with a slot at the door for food and a cup (there's water in the faucet) until he learned not to do that sh!t anymore! My s-i-l had a similar problem with her stepson (he would just use his underwear, not even bother with the toilet) and her husband (the kid's dad) finally had enough of it. He went into the bathroom while the kid was in the shower, just to use the toilet himself, and found yet another pair of sh!tty underwear on top of my s-i-l's clothes in the laundry basket. My b-i-l went apesh!t, yanked open the shower curtain, starts screaming at the kid that he WILL stop doing this RIGHT NOW, my s-i-l will NOT be washing any more sh!t-filled underwear just because the kid is too d@mn lazy to go to the bathroom when he knows he needs to, and from THIS MINUTE ON he will wash the sh!t out of his OWN underwear until he decides he's grown up enough to use the toilet. It hasn't happened since. My s-i-l's stepson is 10. I know your problem is different, there's just an account of something similar anyway. I'd smack the snot out of him and lock him in the bathroom for a few days. Should get your point across, esp. if he poops a few times and has to clean the entire mess himself. (Okay, don't REALLY lock him in...but it sounds good, anyway!)

Ok, after reading your discussion and seeing all the tags that have been left about this being a psychiatric problem it makes me sad. You see as a child I was the exact same way and had the same problem. But, mine wasn't because I wanted to be that way. I just often didn't feel the "need" to go. And by the time I did, we had plumbing issues. Like your son I was "punished" for this issue. And I was humiliated. I didn't want to do this, its just the way my body was. I did eventually outgrow the issue. Is it possible he isn't doing this on purpose? Maybe like me he just didn't feel the urge to go until its too late? Mom would remind me, made me drink prune juice, anything and everything. But my body just didn't need to go for days at a time. I'm thinking your son may be the same way. As for how to change it rather than letting him outgrow it, I don't have an answer. All I have is understanding for how he feels.

What a sad problem. I don't think punishment is the way to go. My son had a similar problem when he was that age. It began with his not wanting to use the bathrooms at school. Teachers didn't like to give time during class, and there really wasn't enough time between classes to 'go', and still be on time for the next class. The other problem was that the boys bathrooms were filthy and did not have privacy doors. There was never any soap for paper towels either (have you looked at his school bathrooms?). So, he would hold it all day, then he would be unable to go when he got home. We got plenty of miles out of our plunger too. I solved it by putting things in the bathroom (comic books, mad magazine, gameboy) that he could ONLY do while he was there. It helped him to sit longer, relax and get the job done. His time slot was immediately after school, before he got involved in other activities. And, when he got done, he could have a snack to tide him over until dinner. Try the after school time slot, see if that works better. You may have to remind him, but I can't believe that is worse than having to unstick the toilet. If you choose to add fiber, do it in the morning, since most take 6-8 hours to work and should help the after school routine too. My son, 25, still doesn't like to use public restrooms...and he still reads in the bathroom.

Wow that is a tough one. I know laxitives 'can be' hard on ones system if they are used on a long time basis. I also know that holding it in is not something your body should naturally allow you to do. I think you are right in having him in a routine to go to the bathroom after dinner or before bed so he doesn't have the mess to have to clean up afterward. I have no idea what to say about punishment. I used to not go to the bathroom to go pee when I was extremely young, up to about 9 or so. I had a lot of problems because of it. And now I have many bladder infections that can last months. I am convinced it is partly due to the fact that I 'held it in' when I was younger. Does your son know and understand the consequences to his bowels becoming obstructed? Maybe if he knew a bit about it this may sort of 'scare' him into going??? I don't know just a guess.

IS he intentionally holding it?? Did he have a constipation problem in his younger years that caused him pain?? Has he express why he doesn't want to go??

Well, it sounds to me like he is dealing with control issues. It's as if he doesn't feel like he has control over himself. So he is controlling the one thing that he i able to control. I am a teacher by degree, and have read books on child development. If it were me with a son that was like this, I would look into the whole situation of the interchange between the child and the parent. Is there something that can relax a bit? Maybe rather than drawing attention to it, also ignore it and feed him things that keep him from getting constipated. You know, things that produce a bowel movement more. It will take time; but I think that's the best thing. Either way, I hope it gets better. That's some scary stuff there.

Blimey, you opened a hornets nest here. Thank goodness, what's left of my brain was atrophying! LOL. So long as the punishment is focused to him making a mess, and not to his pooping then I see no harm. However, he needs to see that what he is doing is unhealthy for him. I am not sure that punishing him will make much of a difference and might make him resent you. He does need to understand that the consequences of his reluctance is mess and that is neither attractive or healthy. Clearly he should clear up his mess with Mom standing over him. Personally I would be wanting to find out from him why he feels that it's necessary to hold it in. Perhaps his "punishment" is the introduction of a regular routine when it is expected that he will "perform". You can't stop him from going outside that period. But if everyone else is going at about the same time then maybe he will see it as the norm. Sorry that I can't be more help. I'm pleased to see you again though. XX

I think the most important thing to do is to figure why he is holding it. Frankly when I gotta go, I gotta go, so imagining somebody being able to hold it for days is shocking to me. But there must some reason he is doing that. We as human beings do not do things unless there is something rewarding or comforting about it. Perhaps when he does go that it hurts him. Possibly his stool is very hard and it is painful, and therefore he avoids going for as long as he can to avoid the pain, in that case taking stool softner might be very helpful. Perhaps he just does now want to take the time because he does not want to give up any time on activities he loves. Perhaps he never feels like he has enough time to sit and take his time and be comfortable. The key to this is communication not punishment. You really, really need to find out why he feels the need to hold it in. Then the two of you have to work out a way to make that more comfortable for him. It sounds like his poop is very hard since it will not flush down. I would ask him if it hurts, and then possibly talk to his doctor about getting him on some type of age appropriate stool softener.

This may or may not help you, but it sounds to me like your son is doing this only for your attention. Before you get upset, read what I have to say. My daughter is 6, and she can be very stubborn at times. I have learned to deal with her stubborness by simply ignoring her, because when I don't give her attention for the wrong behavior, she changes it on her own to gain my attention. My husband has not grasped this concept yet, and he has a lot more troble with her stubborness than I do because when she refuses to do something that she is told to do, he immediately responds instead of following my lead. My 7 year old son is similar, except he whines. I ignore the whining, he stops, my husband responds, he whimes more. My oldest son likes to talk back to me. When I igore him, he stops and apologizes. When my husband responds, he keeps doing it. It is not that my children lack attention, it is just that they want my sole attention when they want it, no matter what I am doing. I think your son is holding it in because he knows that you will give him attention and try to get him to go, and he holds it in for so long that when he has no other choice but to go becausew his belly hurts so badly, he can't possibly hold it in anymore, it all comes out and thus, clogging your toilet. Maybe, just maybe, if you bite your tongue for a while, and ignore this behavior, he will change it on his own. Don't say one word to him about going, don't say anything when he clogs the toilet (except maybe "clean up your mess"), no matter how bad you want to. Then, when he begins to change on his own, and you notice him going as he should, tell him that he has done a good job, and you are glad he went. Once he sees that he will not gain attention from the negative behavior, he just may get the hint. Whatever you chose to do, I hope it works out for you. I am sure that this is a very challengiing thing to deal with each day. Keep your chin up, it will all work out.

This is a crazy discussion! I have never heard of this problem before. Have you ask him why it bothers him so much to go. Maybe it's a issue where he doesn't feel clean afterwards. Maybe you could suggest he "do his business" before he gets in the shower each day.