Do you regreat getting married?
By tonniek02
@tonniek02 (457)
United States
October 30, 2008 7:05am CST
I am on my secound marriage. And sometimes I wonder, Why did I do it? I do love him, I just don't like him...He treated me so good when we started dating. But after we married, I seen a change in him. He became very controlling and has a temper I never seen until I said I do. He gets angree over little things. but, I am the kind of person that take my vow to heart. He has never hit me or cheated on me. But, he puts me down all the time. He didn't do that when we dated. He made me feel good about myself then. I never looked at myself as being a beautiful woman. I alway looked at myself as being a plain jane. But when we were dating he made me feel pretty. Now I have no desire to dress up or even put on any make-up. Cause when I do...He just accuses me of looking around. I have never cheated on him and never had a desire too. He knows where I am 24/7 and that is usually right her at home. I have already decide that if this marriage come to an end. That's it!! I will never marry again. I will never let someone else control me the way he has for 15 years. So how has your life and selfesteim change when you got married?
2 people like this
19 responses
@melvelasco (356)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
I'm almost married for 6 yrs and did never regret for my marriage though there are some instance we argued, but it's a normal scenario for a married life..after that argument we talked it over to fix it. I'm not saying we are always in good partnership but the best thing is prayer and more understanding and more patience. Everything will be alright.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Thanks, I really hope thing to get better. I would love to learn to laugh again.
@melvelasco (356)
• Philippines
1 Nov 08
you should always be strong and never forget to smile. Keep on praying there is God listening and do answer prayers. In your message it seems there something behind on that, what ever it is i would like to say. "after the rain beautiful fresh flowers and plants bloom." Good luck friend
@Ravenladyj (22904)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I dont regret getting married at all..My husband, though not my soulmate, is a wonderful man that I love very much....he treats me and my children with respect and love, he's patient with us, he's supportive and so on..We arent suppose to be together, meanign we werent meant for each other, but we love each other very much and have been to hell and back in the past 10 yrs...Things that would statistically end a marriage (loss of a child, other unexpected deaths in the family, addictions, mental disorders etc etc) are all things that we've been through and we've survived each and every one of them....So no I dont regret it at all..
As for you though....I can see why you feel the way you do and i would seriously consider what your options are..NOBODY should be treated that way..its cruel and so damaging...If you dont see a change coming in him then maybe its time to re-evaluate what you want and NEED for yourself in your life ya know..
@chinesese (7)
• China
30 Oct 08
All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in it's way.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Thanks for the comment. I'm glad to see, some have good lives and are happy. And I have not been able to figure out what make me stay.. I don't now if it is because I don't want to leave him alone. Or if somewhere deep down I feel I will get the man I feel in love with. I just don't know. I can't put my finger on it. Something stops me, everytime I was about ready to go.
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
30 Oct 08
Umm...to be honest, it doesn't sound like you are doing anything to cause your husband to act this way, so why is he being this way? Marriage should lift you up, not push you down.
I don't regret being married - we have our share of arguments, but we usually grow from them.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
31 Oct 08
When I cought my first husband cheating, I divorced him. We had been married for 12 years and had 2 children. I alway felt that those vows ment something to me. But they didn't mean a thing to him. I prayed to God, Please send me someone that would love me as much as I could love them. And then I met my husband now. He was everything I prayed for. AT FIRST. I don't know why marriage changes some people. But If I had known it would have change him this way, I would have never said I do.
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
30 Oct 08
[i]Hi tonnie,
I am sorry to hear about it, what about bringing the problem on the table and talk about it, be open to him and tell him how you feel, in a way, he will also realize about it, in marriage it's always necessary to have an open-communication! I hope you can resolve this!
It's my first marriage and my husband treats me with all respect, care and love..We have arguments which is very normal but we always talk about it and when I don't like something about his words and actions, I am very open to him and he is also open to listen and apologize![/i]
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I would if I thought it would help, But he is one of those people you can't talk to. It gets turned around and it becomes if you would just do as I tell you there would be nothing to get mad about. Been there, Tryed that...He see's no wrong in the way he treats me. And in the 15 years we have been together, only once has he ever said sorry. I rush to get home after work, not because thats were the heart is. Only because, if I am a minute late. I get the third degree. Life is Hell. He just called me, pissed off because I am out of salt at home.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I have only married once. We celebrated our 7th anniversary this week. And that is with a total of knowing him 13 years. I don't think I could marry again. My hubby is one of my best friends. He knows me inside and out. THere is comfort in that, I don't think I could find with anyone else. I am so sorry your marriage doesn't boost your self esteem. My hubby holds me up and stands next to me at the same time. have you considered a counselor? maybe that would help.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
30 Oct 08
It sound like you got the right one the first time around. good luck
@moonbeam94 (387)
• Australia
1 Nov 08
This is third time for me and it seems I still have not learned the lesson that I should have learned at least the second time but he was so sweet and seemed to be on the same page that I thought third time lucky . Maybe I am wrong in thinking two people in love want to be together ,laugh and help each other to grow I guess I just don't want to grow old alone but this is no life either and I am with you on the control part.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
2 Nov 08
I have already made my mined up...There will never be a third time. after 15 years of this control and put downs I would rather be alone...My x-stepmother divorced my dad when I was in my 20's and never remarried again. I talk to her often and she said she wouldn't have it any other way. She has been happier now then ever, she does what she want and goes where she wants and answers to only herself and God. She dates, but she said she has always been unlucky in love and I know just what she means.
@kkanaka (886)
• Singapore
31 Oct 08
I dont have any such problems .. its a smooth life for me
But regarding your case it sounds really sad, such kind of attitude is really common while dating and before making the girl to agree to marry or bed....
it depends how long you can take and I think you shouldnt make too much effort in that, you can just let go... no pointing expecting him to change..
@Bluepatch (2476)
• Trinidad And Tobago
30 Oct 08
The way we treat people is so important.
This guy obviously doesn't know how to treat somebody and believes since you are his wife he can deal with you any way he wants.
I can see clearly how easy it is to feel the way you do.
If I were married to somebody like that I would feel the same way too.
Unfortunately I cannot solve this problem for you.
Only you can solve it.
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
31 Oct 08
thanks for t he comment, yes, your right I am the only one who can solve the problem. I don't have an answer of why I have not left yet. I don't know anymore what keeps me here. But everytime, I think. That's it, I'm out of here..Something is holding me back, and I just can't put my finger on it
@creative_genius (992)
•
31 Oct 08
I am not married but am in a very happy relationship. From what I have learned from my parents marriage- people can change a lot after marriage. However you are in control of how you live, have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? He sounds insecure so you both need to work out why he feels like this. I would suggest counselling, especially as your selfesteem seems to have dropped immensely.
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I am sorry your second marriage is not going the way you would have like it to. Sometimes people will show their true colors after they have gotten what they want, and that sounds the case in your relationship.
I can not give you much advise, because sometimes, I look back and say to myself, WHY, did I get married a second time.
Like you I love my husband and he loves me, but my situation is different from yours.
I am now to the point of almost homelessness, because he did not feel the need to really work at our marriage financially. When I lost my job, four months ago, it put us in a really bad crisis. I am still struggling every day, praying that I will soon get a job to help set myself straight again.
He did get a job, but it is a salesman position, which has not reaped any rewards as of yet.
I pray that your situation will get better as well as praying for mine.
Take care and God bless
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
31 Oct 08
I'm sorry to hear things are not going well for you. I will send a few prayer your way to. I post my feeling about thing. Because you see. I really don't have anyone to talk to. I come home from work, fix dinner, feed dogs, clean the kitchen and about the time I finally get to sit down. He goes to bed. I am left her alone sitting in front of the TV and computer with no one to talk to. It gets pretty lonely and I need a way to vent. God knows my husband doesn't want to hear anything I say.
What did you do at your job? Maybe I can help with a few ideas.
@maryann82 (133)
• Philippines
31 Oct 08
i don't regret gettong married to my husband coz i'm treated right and i could really feel the love he have for me and our daughter well it might be too early for me tp say this but i still believe that it would last as long as we're here but i if ever anything goes wrong i won't regret it still since i felt love and whatever good and happy moments we have and we will have is enough for me and will erase any regret i would feel.....
@tapnaroy12 (875)
• India
30 Oct 08
Hi
All of my good wishes are for you, my dear friend. Your writing touched my heart. I'm so deeply moved.
I don't know why people do change so much within a short period of time. Moreover I wonder how people can pretend when they are dating with someone who is replying on them. It's ironic that few of us don't mind to play with others mind.
Fortunately, my hubby and I didn't change much and managed to keep our marriage intact. He was, by God's grace accomodative and tried his best to adjust. I also reacted positively when I found I need to look at things differently. Somehow, we managed to live a hassel free life without much affecting each other's personality.
Best of luck and again wishing you all the best !!!
@tonniek02 (457)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Thanks for the kind word. Keep your heart strong and may love fill your life daily
@rowe0525 (677)
• China
31 Oct 08
oh
i think i won,t,,and i am still single now ,if my wife is not make me happy and just make me sad ,i will not get married ,and i will chase other girls .ther are so many girls in the world ,i think i will choise my besy one in my life
but i hear that ther are many people marrige have braken ,i do not know why?
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
31 Oct 08
You have to stop letting him control you like that. I am sure we have all had days when we have asked ourselves why we got married. I often even tell my children that I don't believe in marriage because my mom was married and divorced three times and everyone else in her family has been divorced at least one time. But if you really have regrets perhaps you should talk with him about it or if it is too late for that resolve the marriage. Walk away and never look back. Maybe that will be best for you. He seems to just want someone that he can control and treat like crap. There is a reason for that. What is wrong with him that he needs to make someone else as miserable as he?
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
31 Oct 08
hello tonniek02,
I don't regret getting married at all. My life is more complete and has a direction when I did it. For the fact that I am more responsible not only to myself but more to my family. All my sacrifices, hardship in going to work and everything that I do paid of. Though I must admit that I may not be a perfect husband to my wife or a perfect father to our three children but I can say that I'm doing all my best to be one. It's one the best decisions that I made for my life and so happy I did it.
So sorry 
to hear about your second marriage. They say that if your first marriage is great and perfect the second will be the opposite. Hope your husband will realiaze what he's doing to you and will change for the better.
So sorry to hear about your second marriage. They say that if your first marriage is great and perfect the second will be the opposite. Hope your husband will realiaze what he's doing to you and will change for the better.
@celticeagle (159936)
• Boise, Idaho
31 Oct 08
I really believe that if people waited awhile and didn't just jump forward and make decisions based on lust or momentary emotions then atleast half of the time they wouldn't be so apt to marry. It is a web to get out of once you embark on it and you can stop it at any point before hand. But, on the other hand, we are made up of our experiences and we would not be who we are if we did not have the experiences we have had. Alot of times when a person is accusing another it is because they actually have something to hide and they want to put it off on you. If you get out of this marriage and learn about control and co-dependency and how hurtful it can be then perhaps you can make a better choice and find someone to grow old with. This is certainly my hope for you.
@gaisri (154)
• India
31 Oct 08
It depends on how you take life..In India, we view marriage differently. We attach a great amount of respect and divinity to it. Every relationship will have ups and downs and regrets. Everything depends upon how you balance..Your case seems to be a ego clash, you need to give and take.What about him..Is it his first marriage or he is a divorced one..?If it is his first time, he has committed a mistake by getting engaged to a divorcee..If he too is a divorcee,then you both sail in the same both and it depends on how you give and take..
@mods196621 (3652)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
That is the first thing I'ved ever think before I get married. Becaused getting married is not the same as when we are single. Many things cannot allowed to do unlike before. A total difference from being single to married life, caused we had a lot of responsibility when we come in this kind stage of life. For me, it's the real and last episode of our life on earth as living. Spiritual life not included.
At my present situation I really do not regreted of getting married to my husband. :)
