Would You Tell? I Did For The Welfare Of The Child

@ellie333 (21029)
November 5, 2008 11:34am CST
A neighbour is a single parent father due to the fact that if he hadn't taken the child the child would have been put into care upon birth. The mother was also sterilised at the time as she is so unfit. She has two other children from a previouse relationship who are in foster care but the foster carer is this womans mother. The mother has no contact with the child as she goes on benders and cannot be trusted at all and is always in some sort of trouble. Social services are involved. My neighbour allows his child to visit his grandparents and half brother and sister. Well yesterday I was up the school and another parent told me she had seen his son with the mother walking down a certain road on the day where I knew he had left his son at the grandparents. I did warn him that this may happen so knocked his door and said what this parent had told me to make him aware and told him which parent so he could verify for himself. He immediately contacted his health visitor and was advised to not take his child round to the grandparents for a while and when he does to stay with him not to leave him. Would you have told or would you have not got involved. This child is the same age as my son and the harm his mother has already caused is considerable. She is a bit of a nutter so I can expect reprucussions for having told but I am thinking of the child here. What are your views on this one. Ellie :D
5 people like this
27 responses
• United States
5 Nov 08
That's a sticky one, I know that you are thinking of the child and if she gets in your face or anything comes of it remember that, its for the child.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Gitfiddleplayer, I let the father know so he can now deal with the situation and he has been advised to leave visits to the grandparents for a while and then make sure he stays there with his son in future so the mother can't pop round and take him when he is not there. Huggles. Ellie :D
@p1kef1sh (45640)
5 Nov 08
You did the right thing Ellie. I can understand how badly the grandparents want to see their grandson but seeing his mother needs to be arranged and supervised. Clearly that is not possible or practical. If the grandparents cannot be trusted then they will lose their access too if they are not careful. XX
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Hi P1kef1sh, The grandparents have been giving a warning on this occasion no action to be taken but it will be made official if they allow this again but meanwhile the father has been told to not go round for a while and when he does to stay there with his sonfor the visit. I feel I did the right thing. It is such a sad situation though for all concerned really. Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
5 Nov 08
I would have also told...for the welfare of the child. The grandparents should know better...they are on the cusp of breaking the law!
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Hi Jill, After validating what I had said, which I encouraged him to do so via heother parent at the school he called the relevant people and on this occasion they will take no action but have advised him to leave it a while before visiting the grandparents again and when he does to make sure he stays with his son whilst visit occurs. I don't like being the messenger so to speak but this childs welfare was paramount. Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@jesus777 (664)
• Bermuda
5 Nov 08
i am sure you have heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child so if i was in your position i would have told to because if it was my child and it was in danger i would want to know so I could do everything in my power to protect my child i am sure you have heard the saying do unto others as you would have them do unto you so i would do it for someone else so i expect anyone too do it for me too as well!!!! so you made the right move for the safety of the child the best decision was to make sure the child was safe and you did that so you have nothing to feel guilty about you did the right thing!!!!
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Hi Jesus, I appreciate your confirmation that I did in fact do the right thing, I am not an interferrer but was thinking of the childs welfare in this situation. I haven't herad the saying before but very apt and thank you for sharing. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@jonesy123 (3950)
• United States
5 Nov 08
If the situation indeed is as you described it, you did the right thing. Obviously the mother should not be around the child unsupervised, if at all for now. It's important to look out for the child and the father is the first stop to do so. I hope he takes the necessary steps so the child won't be harmed physically or psychologically.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Hi Jonesy, He did take immediate action and did as I suggested and spoke to the parent that had mentioned it to me. The mother is not allowed to see him at all at present so the foster carers/grandparents are as much to blame here for allowing her to see him and take him out but providing the father stays when he visits them no further action will be taken as far as they are concerned as the other two children are stable there. I really do hope that the child will not suffer any more than he has already and am sure the father will take the correct steps necessary. Thank you for your response. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@sirrob (4112)
• Philippines
5 Nov 08
Your intentions is well deserving and great yet there are things along the way that I believe is not appropriate unless you have trusted the parent who said so. What I meant is, what if (given the benefit of the doubt) that what she said to you is not true and you are bringing something to someone (out of care) that is a lie. Lucky that it turns out to be true, so my point is, if it's the other way around, what do you think would the father would do or think of you? It doesn't mean that you don't have to care anymore, instead I would make it sure that the information that I am bringing to someone is true and it's a fact and not just hearsay. You know what I'm saying. At least in that way, you are protected as well.
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@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Hi Sirrob, I understand completely what you are saying here but in my discussion I said that I coneyed what had been said and by whom and asked the father to verify before taking any further action but was making him aware of what had been said as I was concerned about the son. It was true and the appropiate people have been told and no further action is to be taken other than instead of leaving him at the foster/grandparents he will stay with in future so this cannot be allowed to happen. The child has also confirmed it by saying he had seen his mum. I appreciate your input as ever. Huggles. Ellie :D
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@sirrob (4112)
• Philippines
5 Nov 08
I understood it very well, the point that I'm trying to get across is, what if it's the other way around and even that you have said, to confirm it first yet the implication or the notion that you are bringing something not true (not your situation) is somewhat not good to look at unless you have known the father for a long time.
2 people like this
@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Hi Sirrob, Yes it is a very complex situation. This one to me isn't as I have knmown the father nearly all of the childs life and have seen him stabbed and all sorts when this woman hasn't had her meds etc. but from a distance it would be a difficult shout I agree. Huggles. Ellie:D
1 person likes this
5 Nov 08
Some women are just not meant to be mothers. I have seen a few mothers abuse their kids and in one instance I reported it to Children's Aid. I am from an abusive home and there is nothing worse for a child to deal with. You did the right thing. We need more caring people like you in this world.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
5 Nov 08
Thank you Pinkpassion, I didn't want to be seen as interferring but at the same time felt that the father should be made aware of what was happening in his absence. I am sorry to hear that you have suffered yourself but it does make you more aware of others which is in fact why you have in the past reported to Children's Aid. Thank you for your input. Ellie :D
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@onesiobhan (1330)
• Canada
16 Dec 08
I would definitely have told. The child's safety is at risk. At the same time, if I were the father and the mother wants to visit her own child I would arrange for supervised visits so that she can see him without sneaking around.
@ellie333 (21029)
16 Dec 08
Hi Onesiobhan, The mother did have supervised visits but never bothered turning up and this was causing the child problems. Sad situation. Huggles. Ellie :D
@thedaddym (1737)
• United States
12 Nov 08
If I thought the child was in trouble I would definately tell. It is really hard to say though because I do not like to get in to other people's business, but I think you probably did the right thing. This woman is dangerous and can not be trusted with her children.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
13 Nov 08
Hi Thedaddym, I myself like you keep myself to myself but when it comes to the welfare of a child I had to make the father aware. He is doing an excellent job and he did thank for for making him aware and took appropriate action. The grandparents/foster carers said it was because the little boy pleaded with them to go but they are the adults he is the child and they should have said no but he will be staying with his son on all future visits so this cannot arise again. Huggles. Ellie :D
@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
7 Nov 08
Without question Ellie...children need to be protected. If members of the wider community need to get involved then so be it. People may not be aware of what is happening until someone tells them....to keep things to yourself would be wrong.
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@ellie333 (21029)
8 Nov 08
Hi MsTickle, The father was in fact very grateful being told as I suppose deep down he knew this could happen and now he will take the lad to visit his relations but remain with him so this cannot happen again. Hope all is well with you. Huggles. Ellie :D
@Humbug25 (12551)
7 Nov 08
Hi ya ellie333 I most definatly would have told him, you sure did the right thing. The mother is the one that has been really irresponsible and has put people in the situation where they have had no choice but to take her children away from her so she only has her self to blame. I am sure he would agree to her seeing the kids but only under his supervision and a place of his choice. I am sure what will happen eventually is that he will have to move to get him and the kids away from her. I really do think you have done the right thing for the sake of the child that is what is important here.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
7 Nov 08
Hi Humbug, She was allowed supervised visits but never bothered showing up so it was stopped as it was affecting the poor little lad. I expect this has too. He had said he had seen his mum but the foster/grandmother gets called mum by his half brother and sister so he just thought he was confused. He will ensure that he stays with him now when he visits so this cannot happen again. Huggles. Ellie :D
@Tianna2 (1274)
• United States
7 Nov 08
Hi Ellie, I think whenever we see a child that we think may be in danger we should do our best to intervein. The father trusted that hi son wouldnt be in contact with his mother and since that information is wrong, he has every right to know about it. I would have told him too and then reported the grandmother for allowing the mother to have contact with the other kids. I really hate it when people have kids that they arent ready to take care of. Huggles, Tianna
@ellie333 (21029)
7 Nov 08
Hi Tianna, Yes the father trusted that his son would just be with the other children and the grandparents and needed to be made aware for the safety of his child, he has thanked me for making him aware and has spoken to his son also. Because his half brother and sister calll the nan mum when the little lad said he'd seen his mum he initially thought he meant the nan as it is quite a confusing situation. By staying with him for future visits this will not be able to happen again eh! Huggles. Ellie :D
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
7 Nov 08
I'm a little late repsonding and I agree with your decision. You absolutely have done the right thing. Children always come first and their health and safety shoud be above any other issue. I see from all the responses that others agree too,I just wanted to say, good on you for caring!
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
7 Nov 08
Hi Paula, You are not late in responding at all, believe it or not I have responded to discussions that have been a year old become friendly with the poster and she and I are now good friends and she has visited my home for a few days also LOL. Thank you for taking the time to share your view on this. My concern was for this little lad bless him and the father took immediate action which is great and in fact thanked me for making him aware. Huggles. Ellie :D
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
6 Nov 08
I would have told the father just like you did. My reason being, if I were in his shoes, I too would want to know. I do hope that he did proper checks on the situation to confirm that what the other parent saw was indeed true. This would include asking his son who he saw at his grandparents that day, and confronting the grandparents on the issue. I feel for this father, I really do. I went through some very stressful visitation situations with my boys' paternal grandparents years ago. Things are much better now, and they know where things stand as far as not being allowed to have their son at their home when the boys are there visiting, but if that rule (court ordered I might add) were to be broken, it would be devastating. Because not only would I no longer have the trust in the grandparents again, but I would not be able to trust the boys going to visit them anytime soon. (Now that my sons are much older... 7, 7, and 9... it's easier to deal with... but the court order was put in place back when they were barely talking... when the twins were barely walking for that matter).
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi CanadaGal, I did when speaking to the father insist that he verify this with the person who told me and he did also check with his son. It gets confusing as the half brother and sister in foster care at the nans call her mum so when his son says he saw his mum today he could mean the grandmother. It must be difficult for the grandparents as they are also the parent of the mother but they know how unstable she is so were wrong in allowing her to take him out but to prevent this from ever happening he will now stay with his son whilst the visit takes place. It is the boy I feel for bless as he is younger than my son and already been through so much as the mother did have supervised visits most of which she never bothered turning up for so they were stopped as this was affecting him. From your experience with your own sons grandparents you understand how this guy must feel but I believe I did the right thing in making him aware and he took the appropriate action for his sons sake too. Huggles. Ellie :D
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12440)
• Malta
6 Nov 08
I would tell his father or inform the child services myself. If I am afraid of my safety I would do it anonymously. Can you do it in your own country? I admire you for being bold and take the courage and do the right thing.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Ronaldinu, Thanks for confirming that I did in fact do the right thing. The child wil now be safe as the father will stay for each visit at the grandparents so that she cannot take him out alone again. Huggles. Ellie :D
@lisa0502 (1726)
• Canada
6 Nov 08
I think that you did the right thing. I think that more people have to watch out for the kids in this world. So many people are worried about what may happen to them if they tell, but what they do not realize is what may happen to the child if they do not tell. I am glad that there are people out there like you, you did a good thing.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Lisa, Thank you for your kind words, I done what I felt was right for the child and let the father know. The mother did used to be allowed supervised visits but she hardly ever showed which was causing the poor lad even more harm bless. Now he will still see his half brother and sister and grandparents but with his daddy there at all times too to prevent this from happening again. Huggles. Ellie :D
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
6 Nov 08
The father had a right to know. I would have probably told him. Those sort of situations are so tough and it is hard to know just what to do. I am sure the grandparents are in a very difficult spot of wanting their daughter to get better and be a mother to the child. Also regardless of how bad a parent she is, I am sure the child wants desperately to have a relationship with his mom. anyway, you did the right thing.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Sid, It is indeed a very difficult situation and yes of course the little lad would love a proper relationship with his mum bu unfortunately when allowed supervised visits she never bothered turning up which was causing him even more distress bless. The grandparents must really feel caught in the middle but the situation will not arise again as the father will attend all visits to them from now on to stop this from happening. The father is grateful that I made him aware. Huggles. Ellie :D
@crazynurse (7489)
• United States
6 Nov 08
Given the scenario that you presented, I would also have said somthing to the father. If there is a court order that the children can only see the mother during supervised visits then the grandparents are definitely in the wrong. In cases where children are involved, I always err on the side of caution and worry about reprecussions later! The children are vulnerable and can't protect themselves.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Crazynurse, Yes we are the adults so it is our duty of care to look out for little ones like this. The grandparents shouldn't have allowed it but it must also be difficult for them as it is their daughter, but they are also aware of her unstabilty and that she cannot be trusted so yes they are wrong but it the opportunity will not arise again as the father will make sure he stays with his son on his visits to them from now on. Huggles. Ellie :D
6 Nov 08
I think you should have told him, he needs to know what his son is getting up when with the grandparents especially if mum is not meant to be near the child. The grandparents need to be told not to let her near them and I think he did the right thing by informing his health visitor and I'm sure he will be following their advice. If I had been told something that shouldn't have happened then I would mention it to the parent and if they didnt follow it up I would then go above them and report it to social services or the police, after all its about the child's welfare!!
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Cinderella, The father was in fact very grateful that I had said something and is following professional advice as he, unlike the mother, has the childs best interest at heart. He will now attend all visits to the grandparents with his son rather than leave him there for any time. It must be difficult for the grandparents too as the mother is their daughter but by fostering her other children have been made aware of the dos and don'ts so should not have let her take him out especially unsupervised but this will all be mentioned to them but a report will not be made because of this one lapse but will if anything occurs in the future. I would have done the same as you as this woman is unpredictable and violent at times if the father hadn't of taken action, afterall we are the adults this little lad is younger than my own son bless. Huggles. Ellie :D
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
6 Nov 08
You did the right thing ellie. The people that say they aren't getting involved just burn me up. There is a childs welfare at stake. If someone doesn't speak up something may and probably will happen to that child. Then what are they going to say, well it's not my fault it's none of my business. Baloney, every child needs every adult looking after them. A parent such as this man can not be there every minute with his child and how is he to know something is wrong if someone doesn't tell him? He never will! I would definately tell a parent if something is going on with their child in their absence. The childs health, life and welfare are at stake.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
6 Nov 08
Hi Moondancer, The father did listen to me and verify like I asked him too before contacting a professional and he will now be in attendence at all visits to the grandparents and the half brother and sister in future to ensure this doesn't happen again. Huggles. Ellie :D