My heart is hurting....
By tlb0822
@tlb0822 (1410)
United States
November 10, 2008 1:54am CST
Recently my fiance and I have been fighting a lot. I don't really understand why. It's just over stupid things, and I'm really confused. I just turned 21, and it seems that he is mad about it or something. I stayed one night after work (i bartend) and had a few drinks. So now he has been stopping at the bar a lot after work. I don't understand if it is like payback, or what. I mean we have a daughter, and I stay home with her all day, and work nights at the bar two nights a week. Sunday he stopped at the bar after work. Well I got a little upset, because he didn't ask me to go to. And we could get a sitter for a few hours, I mean that isn't a problem. It just seems like he doesn't want to be around me. I mean when he is at home we don't cuddle or do anything we use to. I mean we talk, but just about work and stuff. My heart is hurting. I really love him, but it doesn't seem like he loves me as much. I don't know.
Have any of you had this situation in a relationship? What did you do to over come it? I wonder if this is just a plateu or a phase, or something? Any comments or advice are welcome. Thanks.
7 people like this
20 responses
@ejiskolo (78)
• Nigeria
10 Nov 08
I don't think he is trying to pay back on you. It just about a misunderstanding somewhere, It might be from you or from elsewhere but the best approach is to try to look inward to see if you doing something you normally don't do and try give him space but don't push. Learn from his close friends what biting him but do that in a way not to show that he is pissing you of, just that starting a general discussion on what you think your man love and hate. But in all, look your best without betraying the feeling he is hurting you because he might be paying back at you.
1 person likes this
@messageme (2821)
• United States
11 Nov 08
First of I know it's your own choice, but are you sure he is the one? You seem a little young to be getting married.
How long have you two been together? Sit down with him and be up front with him tell him how you feel and and if anything has been bothering him. Ask him if you have done something.
Just remember when Talking refer mostly to I rather than you. If most of your sentences are you, you, you, it then becomes a blame game.
This could also be a test for if you two are really ready for marriage. Conversation is the most important key to a sucessful relationship. If you can't talk about things now, what makes you think you can later after your married? Love is not always everything in a relationship and it definitely won't solve any problems.
Wish you the best of luck
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
11 Nov 08
It may not be a payback type of thing. The best way to find out is to talk to him and express your concerns and ask him if he prefers to be without you or what is going on.
Many times there is no problem or one is thought to be, and it goes on and will cause one stress just in not knowing. It's easier to ask and get to the root of things than to tear your heart open in pain or grief over something that just may be a misunderstanding.
You and he both may need some time alone and get that spark back that you use to have. Plan a special time without the baby. Set up a nice dinner with candles and flowers or something that smells good. A little light music in the back ground.
Something out of the ordinary, many couples just get lost in routine and lose that spark as a matter of consequence.
Best wishes to you and your guy. I hope it all works out well for you.
@sharra1 (6340)
• Australia
11 Nov 08
Hey I am a feminist and to me it looks like he is jealous of you having any fun without him so he is punishing you to make you jealous. I do not like this attitude. You should definitely talk to him about it and sort it out.
You are not married and have a child and he expects you to be the stay at home mother while he has fun. Sounds sexist to me but you need to find out by talking to him about it and working out the problem.
Most problems in relationship come from not talking about them to each other. You end up assuming what each other is thinking instead of just asking and sorting it out. Most relationships fail because the partners do not talk to each other and sort out their feelings.
@quinnkl (1667)
• United States
11 Nov 08
It could be a plateau, sure, but I would sit down and talk to him about it. I think at the beginning of most relationships, you want to spend all your time together and never be apart. Then as it moves on, you want some time to yourself and to do things with other people. Maybe that is all it is. But if you are hurting badly because of things that are happening, it is time to sit down and talk about it. Maybe he doesn't realize he is hurting or upsetting you. Communication is the key. Tell him you miss the time together and the cuddling. In most relationships, people assume the other one is thinking this or that, but no one can read minds. I hope you can talk to him and get it all out in the open. I am sure things will turn around for you.
@anshumanbardhan (13)
• India
11 Nov 08
I believe that your daughter is quite young and both of you are undergoing the pressures which I think all the couples undergo when they become parents. The reason for being low in romance is that may be since the baby is there you both feel changed and more responsible towards the baby. You may also be devoting lot of time to your baby and in turn your partner may be feeling ignored or less taken care of. The solution is simple, talk to your partner and may be try and make the ambience a bit romantic and then explain him, why you are feeling hurt and may be he will also tell you why he is hurt about something, if he is or he will tell you the reason for his behaviour
@littlefranciscan (18327)
• United States
11 Nov 08
At 21 you are not ready to commit to this fellow and he is not ready to committ to you. From reading the actions and reactions you are both having you need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with one another.
You cannot simply see it from the "poor me" side but also from the "poor him" side as well..There is something on both sides that needs to be fixed and only by sitting down and discussing things can you come to see what it is, if anything, can be done to save your relationship.
SInce you are not married and you are seeing these things to be painful, you need to consider if you can commit to a life long relationship with someone you have such feelings about.
These are not mere passing feelings..that fact that you express it here ..means it hurts you.
I would even seek some outside source of counseling..Do not decide simply by what you read here on mylot..Take time with your fiancee and also discuss it with someone you really trust. ..
DO not say "I do" before you can rememdy what you are finding hard to accept right now.
@mansha (6298)
• India
11 Nov 08
It happens when you get too comfortable around each other and it passes too just either one has to make a little more effort by making a random date a romantic one at that to get things back in to prespective again. Why not try and get a bay sitter and take him out for romantic dinner by surprise r plan something at home. I have been married fr sixteen years in this December and believe me we have locked horns a lots of times and both of us even reached a point where we thought things will and can never work out between us but then we gave each other some time off and stopped putting demands on each other and as the time passed trivial issues passed over and then no longer mattered. Just give it time and stay committed its too easy to give up on a relationship and its really hard to make things work but its worth it.
@annjilena (5618)
• United States
11 Nov 08
maybe you need to find a different job there i said it the bar could be the problem for him just knowing you are around a lot of stranger and the fact you are not with him, could for him become a threat for your relationship.he is poping up at your work shows he trying to catch something that he thinks is going on he has a problem with trusting you.he feels threaten by the sort of job you have.
@misshoney (973)
• Philippines
11 Nov 08
hello tlb. i am sorry to hear that your fiancee have been fighting a lot...i know how bad it can feel because i am also in a relationship and well we also have disagreements sometimes. all i can say is be patient with him and hold on to the love you have for each other. he is probably just stressed out or need some time alone. be patient with him and pray. i am sure things will get better soon.
@Seppy1984 (2145)
• United States
11 Nov 08
Before you start thinking that he does not love you much, you need to think about weather or not you both spend enough alone time. I will say that my hubby and I goes through this alot. We have 2 boys, a 2 year old and a 6 month old. So we don't get much alone time, plus he is always working and when he comes home we are taking care of our children. That there alone is a big task so you both could be feeling stressed out and even tired to where you fight alot. My hubby and I still fight and alot of it is because we don't get enough time alone to just sit and talk and have date nights. So what we try to do is spend time together after our children are sleeping. It will pass, if he loves you and you love him then things will get better. Also another thing you two could try is sitting down and tell each other what upsets each other and how you feel. My hubby and I did this and we have better communication now on what we want from each other. I hope that this will help you two as much as it did for us.
Happy Mylotting and hang in there.
@Janice_tan021 (51)
• Singapore
11 Nov 08
I think nothing between both of you! Just lack of communication! Both of you should sit down together and have a good talk. You are still young and got to look after a child was really hard for you and your fiance got to work hard for the family too. Both should be more patient and understand each other well as you all sacrifice because of one word "family", right? Want to have a good living, good need. So you should take your first move and talk together. Nothing is impossible, thing can be solve up. Have faith on him, maybe he was just facing too many pressure and stress in work. cheerz
@srganesh (6340)
• India
11 Nov 08
You are speaking from your side only.A coin has two sides.Just try to find what his tensions are and be kind towards him.Atleast he is your first son.You should treat him as such and you will see the difference.
@Childofares (28)
• United States
11 Nov 08
he may very well be insecure about you at bar without him. Or you may have hurt his feelings by not inviting him when you went by yourself. You said you were hurt when he didn't ask you, did you also do the same?
It really comes down to communication. You have no idea if/why he is angry and I'm betting he might be feeling the same.
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
Well I guess you have reach the peak of your relationship where you don't find it exciting to be with each other anymore. Well I guess the best thing to do that is to talk one on one about how you are feeling about what is happening in your relationship. You need to open up but at the same time clam and compose. I guess your calmness might trigger a positive response from him and for you to understand also his needs as you man.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
10 Nov 08
Little misunderstandings are bound to happen in any healthy relationship. You don't expect to see all the good part of your partner all the time. He is only human and he does have that part of bad patch in him. You need to work things out so that it will not turn ugly. You have to understand what makes him mad at you or has the relationship thinned out, and if the love has turned sour, you must try to rekindle it by giving him surprises like having a candlenight dinner or cooking his favorite meal. Little things like this will bring back his affection for you.
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
10 Nov 08
Without talking to him, it's going to be next to impossible to figure out what's going on. That actually sounds like that's a lot of the problem. It sounds like you are both not communicating needs and feelings about your relationship. It sounds cheesy, but communication is absolutely necessary in a relationship. So many people look for answers to their relationship problems on the internet when they should be talking to their partner. You need to talk to him about what you're feeling, find out why he's behaving like hs is, and figure out a way to make both of you happy in your relationship.
@Nhey16 (2518)
• Philippines
10 Nov 08
ohhh... im married for about 10 years but the same thing happened to us, til now...
i guess it's part of the relationship to have some problems. maybe you could talk to him about it. coz as a person, we sometimes, need a space of our own so we could think better and have plans about our future...
but it's really painful to feel what you're feeling right now, i do understand that, and it would be a lot more painful, if you both won't talk about it as soon as possible...
@kristinaxtina (4)
•
10 Nov 08
You need to sit down with him , tell him how u feel and ask him if he has any problems / worries. Talking about the issues makes it easier to resolve them. Keeping them bottled up will make it ten times worse.
