What if your kidIS the bully?

@lilybug (21148)
United States
December 5, 2008 2:05pm CST
I have seen several discussions on bullying lately. Parents are asking for advice on what to tell their kids. What would you do if you found out that your child is the one who is being the bully?
7 responses
@ersmommy1 (12600)
• United States
8 Dec 08
I would be shocked. Since my daughter has been bullied at school recently. I guess if I found out she was bullying, I'd have to remind her how bad it made her feel. And let her know that it makes the other kids feel bad too.Luckily my daughter is the protective type.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (29043)
• United States
8 Dec 08
I'd kick his or her fanny! I don't think my kids have it in them to be bullies, but I know my oldest was having an issue last year with some kids. They were picking on him a lot, calling him names, and even hitting, slapping, pinching him when they passed him in the halls. Now my son was always the type to just take things. He's been hit and punched etc before, and never did anything back. That's because I told him it's never okay to hit. Well he had enough, and he was so upset over it, he was crying while telling me what these kids did to him. Finally I told him it's okay to hit BACK. If they hit first, he has permission to hit back. Unfortunatly he took it too far. A neighborhood teen came by one day to tell me she'd seen him in a fight on at least 2 occasions. She told him the first time that if he did it again she'd tell on him. Then she saw him do it again. I asked him why he was in the fights and he said because the kids had called him names. I told him that wasn't a good enough reason, and that names shouldn't hurt him. So far as I know he hasn't been in another fight since. At least nobody has told me that he has. If I find out he is getting into fights, we'll have the same talk, and I'll probably punish him in some way.
@lilybug (21148)
• United States
8 Dec 08
My son normally just takes the bullying and cries about it when he comes home. He did try the hitting back thing once and he got suspended for a day. Even though he was just defending himself. School policy. They both got suspended.
• United States
8 Dec 08
I believe that's school policy in most places. Luckily my son's fights were not on school grounds, neither was most of the picking, which caused problems because we couldn't go to the school about it. But if he were justified in his actions, I would not punish him.
@lilybug (21148)
• United States
8 Dec 08
He did not get punished for it at all. If he had started it yes. Defending himself, no.
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
5 Dec 08
I would have a serious discussion with my child about it and problem some form of punishment. I started working with my daughter as soon as she started preschool. i try to teach her to accept everyone no matter how different they might seem. There was a girl in her preschool class that was not very focused and didn't listen well. She kind of did her own thing. I got the impression that no one liked her. I told me daughter she didn't have to be friends with her but she should never be mean to her or make fun of her. I don't think my daughter would ever be like that, but I'm teaching her anyways.
@lilybug (21148)
• United States
5 Dec 08
My kid is one of the ones who is probably overly nice. I think that is part of the reason he gets picked on.
• United States
8 Dec 08
Obviously, you have to figure out why your kid is being a bully. If he sees bullying behavior at home, then you have to take that influence out of his life. You have to punish your kid for being a bully and make sure he knows that this is not the kind of person you wish for him to be. You need to tell his teachers and the principal that you strongly support correcting his behavior by in-school punishments. You must be firm, but fair. You must hold the line. Often, however, bullying is a problem for other parents of other kids and so people probably have a hard time prioritizing confronting their own kids if they are caught being a bully.
6 Dec 08
I do not have any personal experience with this as I was never bullied a school and as far as I know none of my kids were but my impression is that a child who is a bully has a problem at home. Maybe the father is a bully and would therefore not see anything wrong with what the child is doing or there may be other problems such as the lack of a one parent or a very ill parent. So I think it is rather unlikely, but not impossible, that a good parent would suddenly discover that their child was a bully.
• Japan
6 Dec 08
My kids are the ones who are bullied at school, they are nice, sensitive kids. The two oldest ones got seriously bullied after they tried to help classmates out, something that I encourage. But at home it is another story. My oldest is a month shy of 17 so he is not involved in the daily bickering here. But my 14 year old is a real pain in the neck. He teases his younger brother and sister all the time. But what gets me mad is that they tease in Japanese and my Japanese is not good enough to catch the nuances sometimes. Both my husband and I have spoken to him about this, we have reminded him of how he felt when he was teased but he says that it is different, that he is only having some fun. So now we tell him that for this week he is not to jump out and make his sister squeal or for this week no name calling. It can get very tiring somedays, but he is getting better, also I have spoken to the school councilor and asked her to take up the matter with him, maybe somebody outside the family is good to talk to him. If my kids were the bullies at school I would want to know why they need that kind of attention. In my experience the bullies are usually the ones who lack self confidence and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to put others down. One of the kids that beat up my oldest son at least once a week came from a home background where he wasn't cared about. The father was gravely ill and spent time just ordering the other family members around. One evening the boy and father had a fight and the boy spent the night walking the streets, he was 13 at the time. The next day this boy took his anger and frustration out on my son. So if I was told that my kids were bullying I would feel that I had failed as a parent, failed to give the love and security that kids need. Jacks
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
5 Dec 08
Hi Lilybug - found you! I don't think that any parent would like to find out that their child is a bully. There may find it hard to believe too! There would have to be some kind of punishment but the main thing I would do is to find out why my child is behaving in this socially unacceptable way.I would also take advice form school counselors etc but there is usually a reason why children behave in this manner. and it is so horrible!