How childish!!

United States
January 5, 2009 6:06am CST
Saturday afternoon my MIL stops by here totally unannounced and uninvited. This has been an issue with my in laws basically the entire time I've been with my husband. We've asked them to call before coming over, and given them many very good reasons for this, but they just don't listen. They come over, usually just let themselves in, and make up a stupid excuse for doing so. Well it could just be the simple fact that I don't like my in laws much, but each time they do this it infuriates me to no end! Saturday when my husband got home from work I basically bit his head off because I was still that angry over my MIL just stopping over. It upset him too, but he didn't seem to be wanting to do anything about it. He said he'd eventually have a talk with them (this is his usual response). I said eventually isn't good enough, I wanted him to do it right then and there while the anger was still there, so maybe they'd get it through their thick skulls. So he picks up the phone and calls them, gets his mom on the phone. He's not saying much at first, and he's not yelling or being rude at all (though I was wising he would). Finally he says in a very calm voice that she needs to call before just stopping over. I could hear her voice on the other side of the phone saying how my kids had given her a big smile, and she just wanted to see if she could take the kids, what's the big deal. He says, still in a calm voice, "The big deal is you need to call, you can't just stop by because you have no idea what could be going on here." Do you know what she did? She HUNG UP ON HIM!!! Just like that. He wasn't rude or yelling, just trying to tell her something, and she hangs up on him. Obviously we're both even more upset now, but there was no sense in calling back, she probably wouldn't even bother picking up the phone. I am astonished at how childish she is. Can you believe that? Why can't she just grow up, realize she was in the wrong, apologize, and stop doing it? Instead she wants to hang up on him when she's caught in the wrong. Any wonder why I can't stand my in laws?? Do you know someone who acts childish when they're caught in the wrong? Have you ever had someone hang up on you when you tried to tell them something?
2 people like this
15 responses
• Canada
5 Jan 09
I agree that your MIL was being extremely childish! Sometimes when a mother is confronted by their child their "old fashioned rule" of I do the talking you listen, I say how things go, I make the rules, you obey me and my rules blah blah blah makes them mad so they childishly hang up a phone! A shift of control or "those old fashioned mothering rules" can really effect some mothers. My best friends hubby had a similar experience with his mother. The only difference was his mom started crying, threw a pity party, and then hung up. I personally don't have problems like that with my MIL, in fact she has hardly anything to do with us, and can't even remember my daughter's name! I just wrote an interesting post about that one lol. I hope things get better and she owns up soon! PurpleTeddyBear
• United States
5 Jan 09
When I was pregnant for my twins, who are now 6 years old, my MIL wanted to throw my baby shower. I didn't like some of the things she was doing (she wanted to tell each guest what gift to bring!) so I took over the planning and preparing of the shower. She was apparently upset by this, because she sat in the corner sulking through out my entire shower! The rest of us had a good time, but she sulked and huffed and moaped around the whole time. She's just childish!
1 person likes this
• Canada
6 Jan 09
Wow! That is pretty childish, but honestly the baby shower was more about YOU, as it was your (and your twins) day! The main thing is that you and everyone else had a good time, not to be dis-respectful towards your MIL or anything, but the day was more about you and your children then her taking over and telling everyone what gift to bring. That right there would have upset me as I don't expect anything from anyone, and if they do happen to buy and bring me a gift I'm very appreciative, but if not then that's fine too! With the way the economy is going lately and everyone in financial distress a card means just as much to me as some lavish gift! When I was pregnant with my daughter none threw me a baby shower as most of my family and dearest friends live far away :( But it's okay, the cards from family and friends that flooded my mailbox, and my parents being here for my daughter's birth meant the world to me :) Best of luck with the monester OOPS I mean Mother In Law ;)
• United States
6 Jan 09
Well for me, I like the surprise of not knowing what I'm going to get, not to mention there may have been things I hadn't thought of, that another person did. My MIL wanted me to make a list of the things I wanted or needed and she'd give the list to the guests, sort of like a cheapo baby registry. But I didn't like the thought simply for the reasons I've already stated, not to mention what if everyone chose the same thing? So that's pretty much why I took it over from her, along with a few other reasons that I don't even remember now. That was a bit over 6 years ago now.
1 person likes this
@Barb42 (4225)
• United States
5 Jan 09
It doesn't look like she's even going to listen to her son. Looks to me the only way you are going to win is lock the door. Then, when the door bell rings, or she knocks, look out the window to see whose car is in the driveway. Then, if it's your in-laws, don't go to the door. Ignore then no matter how long they knock! That should send them a message. And,if it doesn't, then they have a bigger problem than you think! I can see her hanging up on him, if he's hollering at her. But it is childish for her to hang up simply because he's trying to tell her something that she doesn't want to hear.
• United States
5 Jan 09
That's the way she's always been, both her and my FIL. One time his sister wrote them a very long 8 page letter about a lot of things she felt she had to get off her chest, and they didn't even read it, they just threw it out. Actually MIL didn't even know about the letter, because FIL threw it out before she had the chance to even see it. Now SIL doesn't even speak to them because they don't know what's bothering her, so they can't change it.
@Barb42 (4225)
• United States
5 Jan 09
What kind of house did they both grow up in to act like they are as adults? And then your husband came out from that family with a nonchalant disposition. And it sounds like your SIL is like you, not liking the interference of her parents. Looks like these people would get the message some how! Does she have children, too? If so, and they aren't seeing them, might be the reason they come over your house so much.
• United States
5 Jan 09
It's all so complicated. I know my MIL was abused a bit as a child, I once heard some sort of story of her being locked in a closet. The woman is definitly nuts. So far as I know FIL had a normal upbringing though, his siblings are both normal and are both very well off financially. So far as hubby and his sister go, they both have their fair share of issues. They both have very low self esteem, they each just show it in different ways. Hubby lets the whole world walk all over him, while SIL needs to make everyone around her feel as if she's better than them. We haven't ever really gotten along with her either. She does not have kids, thankfully. She was once married, and most of her issues with her parents are silly and petty if you ask me. She didn't speak to her mother for 6 months because MIL made a comment about how tight SIL's jeans were. So basically, she's rather touchy like MIL. Currently SIL's biggest issue with her parents is that they're embarassing. They have quite a few cats in their home, and none of the cats are fixed, so their entire house smells like cat urine from the males spraying. Obviously they both smell like this too. Some days are better than others, but there's been times when the smell was so overpowering you could hardly breathe around them! Hubby would walk into their house and come out smelling like that for hours. So because of that SIL wants nothing to do with them. The whole thing is just one big mess!
@Barbietre (1442)
• United States
5 Jan 09
My MIL used to do this all the time. One day I was baking, the kids had just knocked over things in a bookcase and I had just put them in the tub. She knocked on the door and I said it it not convenient. She said I can just sit and wait, and whatever you are baking smells good. I said the kids are in the tub I do not want to leave them alone and next time call. She left in a huff and guess what, she never did that again. If we did not want company we just do not answer the door.
• United States
5 Jan 09
I've never come out and told her it was inconvenient, she actually never gives me a chance. When I open the door she just walks right in and starts talking to me or the kids. So instead of saying I don't want her around, I'll just continue doing what I was doing, completely ignoring her. There was a time she was over and I spent the entire time on the phone, I didn't hang up just because she came over uninvited! She thinks I'm rude because of that, but she's the one who is rude because she wouldn't call to ask if she could come over.
@Barbietre (1442)
• United States
6 Jan 09
Then I suggest you do not open the door unless you know who is at the door. We never open the door if we do not want to see people. But also years before that when my MIL wanted my husband ( who is the oldest) to do fatherly things with his yonger brothers because his own father worked alot, we set boundaries.
• United States
6 Jan 09
If the kids are home, which they usually are when the in laws just stop by, then they're the ones who open the door. I don't even know that anyone is here half the time because I'm on the other side of the house.
@jesssp (2743)
• Canada
5 Jan 09
My MIL to be has a habit of, well, mothering. She likes to be needed and depended on by her kids (even when they don't need or want it) and there was a little head butting between us and her when her son (my fiance) finally started resisting and actually telling her where to go. But now that he has she has (eventually) been great, so I'm really lucky. She (and a sister or two) can also be very childish and after much nagging from me he finally started to tell them so. At first because of me and then all on his own. We're both lucky that we were able to establish boundaries with her so early on (before kids etc). But unfortunately if you can't do it early then you probably can't do it at all. I feel for ya, it looks like you're in for a lifetime of uninvited guests or a 'silent treatment' from her. A mother who hangs up on her own son over something so silly isn't likely to listen to reason. And while a silent treatment sounds OK in theory it sucks for the kids. So I guess I really have no advice, sorry!
• United States
5 Jan 09
My children have already picked up on my resentment of my in laws, and my oldest son already doesn't like them, he has a few of his own reasons too. He tolerates them when he has to, but our relationship with hubby's parents has been rocky from the start. We can sometimes go 6 months or more without seeing or speaking to them. I get tired of them coming in and out of the kid's lives, so I'm thinking at this point it's time for them to be out for good, they can't keep messing around like this, you know?
@jesssp (2743)
• Canada
5 Jan 09
I know what you mean, it's just hard on everyone. And kids do pick up on it which I think makes them more likely to have a rocky relationship with their in laws when they grow up (that's not your fault of course). I've watched it happen with my fiances' sisters. Sometimes it's just best to keep a distance.
• United States
5 Jan 09
I normally do, and I'm as pleasant as can be face to face with them, but I do rant and rave behind their back, espeically to hubby, and the kids usually do hear it. Whenever they get me like this, I'm to a point where I don't really care and I don't really think about how the kids can hear what I'm saying, I just need to say it or I might explode, you know.
@laglen (19783)
• United States
5 Jan 09
ok, first I have to confess, when trolling through the discussions, I see your name and MIL I open it out of morbid curiosity. You have to admit this crazy lady is making you a little money. I also know this is no consolation, but she is entertaining. I guess, because I don't have to deal with her. I am sure I have dealt with people like this but nothing compared to what you are dealing with. And even worse, you married into this family and so have no other option. As I mentioned in the discussion about this event, I would lock the doors and not answer it when she shows up!
@laglen (19783)
• United States
5 Jan 09
Thats a good plan! I always got along with mine and now that I am divorced, they side with me! Gotta love em! And thanks again for the entertainment!
• Canada
5 Jan 09
I agree her MIL has been very entertaining, BUT my heart really goes out to her. I don't know how I;d be able to handle someone like that!
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
6 Jan 09
Hey kats! That is not only childish, but completely rude! She does something wrong and has the nerve to hang up! What is wrong with her? And then she is going to make like nothing ever happened? I don't blame you for being angry and now I would really be angry for her behavior! But, it is up to your husband to deal with her, since it is his family. He is the one that has to get it through to her that she has got to call first before coming over and if she doesn't like it then the next time she does this, then she will not be invited in! Obviously she knew that she was wrong or she wouldn't have hung up! I am sure that the next time she calls she will make like nothing ever happened!
• United States
6 Jan 09
Oh yeah, they're whole family is like that, they always act like nothing happened. I guess I must have gotten used to it. I remember the first time his family upset me. It was his sister. She was newly married and hubby and I were dating, but living together. She told hubby that her husband's parents were more family to him than I was just because she was married and we weren't. I was extremely upset with her, and expected an apology. She didn't come around for about 5 months, but when she did she acted like nothing ever happened. I never got my apology.
@celticeagle (114429)
• Boise, Idaho
6 Jan 09
I live in a world of just that kind of behavior. I am living with my daughter right now and she can be very rude. I try to help and give her some advice and she comes back with some very immature comments. I never had a problem with my in-laws coming over but as I recall they lived a ways away so they always did call. I can't see where it would be that big a deal to just call. Inconvient sometimes, sure, but if it is something you both want then she needs to abide by it. And, for her to say: "What's the big deal?" makes it even worse because obviously she didn't abide by what you both said originally. Be consistent- like you have to be with children. Good luck!
• United States
6 Jan 09
How old is your daughter?
• United States
6 Jan 09
lets put up electric fences ran by remote and shock the s**t out of em when they do this. haha. mine are still at it too. came by sunday cause my husband was in the yard cleaning a deer he killed(gross!) they just wanted to be nosey. and his gma stood at the end of her drive and nearly broke her neck to see who was over cause my husbands best buddy was helping. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I actually thought about putting pad locks on my door,and building a privacy fence. She should not have hung up on him. MY goal is to never do my sons wife like that one day, hes only 2 now so i gotta long ways still. My brothers fiance does things i dont like but i dont say nothin cause its nomb!! i hope you get some peace from you ils!
• United States
6 Jan 09
Fortunatly for me, once we yell at my in laws about what they do, they back off for awhile and we may go months without seeing them. Then they'll actually call for awhile and not do things to tick me off, but once I start letting them come around or take the kids again, it will start all over. This is the way it's been going for like 7 years. I get mad, they back off, I cool down, they do it again. Doesn't seem like you're going to get any reprieve from your in laws though unless you move.
5 Jan 09
My heart goes out to you, my in-laws are just the same about just "popping in for a coffee" without the courtesy of picking up the phone. Admittedly, I went off on one soon after we were married, and it now happens less than half of the time that it used to. I'm all for the locking the doors approach. Leave your key in the door so they can't use theirs to get it. Perhaps they will get the hint this way. Even though your hubby wasn't yelling, perhaps your MIL was upset. Maybe she realised she was in the wrong and was ashamed of herself. Nothing like a loved one pointing out your faults to make you feel small. Recommend you leave it a few more days and then ask your husband to ring again. Try the "are you ok?" approach, along with the "did you understand what I was asking?" line. Don't want to alienate the family, no matter how annoying they may be, they are still your hubby's family and you may need them later down the line. :)
• United States
5 Jan 09
I went off on them once too, a number of years ago. And hubby has had sit down talks with them about their behavior and how she NEEDS to call instead of just popping over. It gets better for a little while, then she's right back at it, and I get so angry that I don't even want to see them for awhile otherwise I'll say something they won't like to hear. It's been 2 days and I'm still angry enough at her to bite her head off!
@cynthiann (18631)
• Jamaica
5 Jan 09
I am glad that you let your husband handle this situation and make the cal. You did the right thing. yes, she is childish and yes, perhaps now she will get the hint and call to see if it is CONVENIENT for her to see the children. If she called, then you have the option to say yes or no. It is important for the children to know their grandparents - it gives them a sense of family and security but her behaviour is wrong and she should call first. That is common courtesy to you as their mother. It is your space - your home - and your privacy should be respected. Keeping calm is the best thing - let her be the one to rant and rave. Blessings
• United States
5 Jan 09
She'll never get the hint. We've had this same battle so many times before. It will get better for a little while, she'll learn to start calling, but then out of the blue she'll just stop by again, and I get so angry by that.
• Philippines
6 Jan 09
I get sad when I see stories like this. I would agree with you in being angry because they just let themselves in your house unannounce. Even I would be irritated. But I'm curious, what if its your mother visiting you and not your MIL, would you have reacted the same way? Did you even consider treating her(your MIL) the same way as you would treat your own mother? Did you even love her to begin with. When she does call and visit your house how do you treat her? Do you treat her like you would treat a friend or a stranger? One of the lessons I've learn when I got married is to treat and love the in-laws as if they were my own parents. Its hard I know but not impossible. Old people wants to feel that they are still needed and wanted by their children even when they are all grown up and has a family of their own. I came from a country where we took care of our parents. Meaning they live with us and not apart from us. Sure there are problems and clashes. But open communication and love manage to bridge the gap. I think it would be best if the three of you would have an open discussion about this matter instead of just telling your husband to talk to your MIL. This is how me and my wife talk to my parents and to her parents. If there is something I wanted to say I would say it in front of my in-law with my wife beside me and vice versa.
• United States
6 Jan 09
That is pretty childish. It seems to me she likes doing things how she wants and isn't too interested in having someone else tell her what to do. I actually haven't had anyone hang up on me that I can think of. I'm usually the one that hangs up on people. However, I only do it if I'm mad, and they're just giving me a giant attitude and aren't helping the situation along at all.
@stiener (736)
• Singapore
6 Jan 09
Is your husband the only son or child in the family? Maybe his parents wanted to spend more time their children and grandchildren. I do understand that they may have dropped by at the wrong hour but in my case, I would think it is manageable for my case. Maybe you can try this, instead of them visiting you, try visit them more often without calling them. If they happened to feel the same way then they may understand better. When people get older, they tend to become more self-centered. It is the same as a child. For some people, Maturity vs Age goes in an inverted U. I hope that it could work for ya. Cheers and Happy MyLotting...
@lingli_78 (12852)
• Australia
5 Jan 09
woww... that is amazing... i mean, your MIL... i will get my hubby to call her back and get the point across to his mum if i were in your position... if it doesn't work, i will tell her myself... and if she had been told and warned but keep on doing the same thing, i will lock my door the next time she comes without telling me first and not let her in... if she insists, i will call the police... take care and have a nice day...
@syankee525 (6296)
• United States
5 Jan 09
well i learn all you can do is express to others how they made you feel and the rest is up to them to do with it as they want. yeah they should call, but the thing is if they just let themself in our house it's wrong, i know my in laws willl call first to see if we are home, so does my parnets. they won't let themself in. but we have some family will just show up, which is cool most of the time. but we just show up at my in law's and let our self in. but we call my parents first becuase they are gone most of the time. and i do know lot of childish grown people. i just laugh at them. but i think your hubby should try to call his mom and express to her again.