How to Let Go?

United States
January 12, 2009 10:25am CST
I have posted a similar thread before but I felt that this one would seem more explainable then my last. It has been over a year since I dated this girl, my first actual girlfriend. We went out for almost 6 months, and I still cannot get her out of my head. I think of her basically everyday. I have already confronted this problem, through actually talking to her, but there is no going back to being with her. So, now the question is how do I go about forgetting? My mother says that guy's first girlfriend really never leaves.
5 people like this
17 responses
@royal52gens (5380)
• United States
12 Jan 09
Don't try to forget. Instead, remember what it was that attracted you to that type of person and then look for those qualities in others. Cherish your memories but don't dwell on them. Learn from any mistakes you might have made during the relationship so you do not repeat them with future relationships. Breathe. Allow yourself plenty of time to heal your heart. Royal Mom
2 people like this
• United States
12 Jan 09
Don't you think over a year of healing is enough though? I can't even ask another girl out without thinking about my ex!
1 person likes this
@ds6413 (2073)
• United States
12 Jan 09
Hello, hey I have been there before. The way to start getting over someone you can't have is just to start living your life again. I had to remind myself I lived with out one of my ex's for so many years and I could live with out him again.I did not base my life on him and when I remembered how to be alone it got easier. Remind yourself why you two broke up.Go out with your friends, go have fun.Others like fun people to be around so remember how to have fun.Weren't you that way before the ex?As for a first b/f..I told my very first b/f he would never forget me.In a way if was a curse for him because he never did forget about me but he moved on and you can do it too. (He broke up with me then I told him he could never really forget me that was my revenge on him)I think about him but not enough to seek him out.If you are in contact with your ex g/f you need to stop cause you can't let go if she is a constant reminder.
1 person likes this
@ds6413 (2073)
• United States
12 Jan 09
Also, if you have things like movie stubs,pictures or any things that remind you of when you were with her put them away. Don't throw them away but put them out of sight cause that will only remind you.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
hmm...good point thanks I will try that. My problem is I have friends that are friends of both of us and I can almost swear they keep giving her info on me.
@ds6413 (2073)
• United States
14 Jan 09
Sorry to post again but I finally read the whole story. Ok, my very first b/f...gee I was 19, kind of a late bloomer...first broke up with me because he wanted to be around his friends more than having a g/f being tied downn to just up and broke up. I took a deep breath and told him calmly "OK but remember you will never be able to get over me".We tried to stay friends but if was more difficult on me so I stopped calling him for for around 4 months then one day I called and he seemed happy to hear my voice and wanted me to visit BUT I brought my best friend so I wouldn't do anything stupid.So we met up and it went ok, I still had feelings but I was more like a friend to him. Then my birthday was coming up and he paid a visit to me and we had fun then he wanted to be back together so I agreed.2 months later he moved about 250 miles away to go to college an we tried a long distance relationship...I was fine with it but that December holiday he again said he wanted to break up.Again I said ok but I told him I would stay in contact by letters. I told my ex-b/f I had a chance to go out with a new guy and I was unsure on whether or not I should do it because my best friend really liked him so I asked if she would feel alright and she said it was ok so I started dating my second b/f then my first b/f came back for spring break and we met up again but I only took a drive with him and his friend.My first wanted more but I was already dating my second b/f. It is funny now i still have letter my first b/f wrote when I wouldn't get back with him...my thing has always been "snooze, you loose" Even now I have a smile on my face remembering I was thinking"I told you so""you will never be able to get over me"Well anyway I did get over him...I married my second b/f then divorced and I moved on my way. It took me around 19 months to feel better about myself to be able to date someone else.There was 19 months when I had no b/f. I dated alot and wasn't ready to give up being single.My 3rd b/f was only 20 and I was 36.B/f 4 is who i am with now.My b/f now knows all of this what I've written.I'm telling you this to prove it is possible to be able to live again, Just take care of yourself, remember how to live and have fun.As for the mutual friends you and your ex have..well try not to let too much info out. My b/f was wondering who your ex-g/f cheated with and was it also a mutual friend of yours.Find new friends that won't stab you in the back.Last thing about keeping letters or reminders I have kept all from ex's, mainly the things from b/f 1 is more valuable than other things I have from other b/f. Even my b/f now has things he got from MY first b/f, my b/f 1 is an artist and when b/f1met b/f 4 b/f1 told b/f4 never do anything stupid like hurt me cause he'd never get over it or me.Hope you will feel better
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
I was in a similar situation years ago. What I did was change job that is far from where she is. I seldom go to places we usually go. And I pick up a hobby and hang out most with my friends and family. You could never forget your first love, but you could get over the feeling. Give it time, and try not to think of her too often. Try a new sport or something that will take your mind off her.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
Even though I do live in another state then her now, we both had the same friends, and I don't think it would be right to lose those friends...even though I am afraid you may be right because I can almost swear they keep tabs on me for her.
• Philippines
14 Jan 09
You have the same set of friends? How come? Did both of you work on the same office or did you met during your school days for you to have the same set of friends? If you think she's keeping tabs on you thru your common friends maybe she's still interested. Why would she keep tabs on you if the relationship is really over? Frankly, I could not decipher the real status of your relationship because you never mentioned why the two of you broke up.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Jan 09
Ok. I read the post below me. Now I know the real score on your relationship. I guess you should move on man, forget her. After all you have done for her she should be appreciative of the effort you made. She purposely cheated on you after you've been dating again just to get back at you. And your common friends are not really your friends. They are her friends, her friends has just stab you in the back. They did not even explain to her that you did not cheated on her. The way she handles your relationship in times of trial will show her true character. I'm telling you now if this is just a sneak peak of her true color things would still get worst. Move on man. Continue your studies and move back to another state. Make new friends.
1 person likes this
@paoxav (1382)
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
There are a lot of fishes in the ocean. Just continue thinking of her until you'll gonna had enough of it. You'll still find a girl to replace her in your heart in time. Just be patient. Don't search so much and don't pressure yourself because it will kill you. Let time forget the girl.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
so don't search for another fish, but wait for one to swim to you?
• Philippines
14 Jan 09
First love is hard to forget. But after reading the above post and what she had done to you, you should move on. You deserve someone better. I know you have common friends but I get these vibe that they are more her friends than they are yours. It would not help if you keep associating yourself with your common friends. I'm not saying that you should avoid them, what I'm saying is take a break from all of them for a while. You would always remember her if keep hanging out with them. Change your email address and make new friends. There are a lot here in mylot who could be your friends.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jan 09
Very true very true friend -)
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
Well you won't really forget her because that was you first real relationship. Well I think what you need is moving on with your life. Well it doesn't happen overnight especially if your relationship was long enough and there are plenty of memories that go with it. I suggest that you just allow time to heal your wounds I guess there is a light at the end of a tunnel so is with your situation. Good luck and never close your heart if there is someone new that may come into you. Just go on with what life has to offer you because its not the end of your life after this relationship for sure there is one set up just for you and you just have to wait and expect it coming soon.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
but how long does it have to last? I have been in this tunnel for over a year now almost two.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
Well for as long as you would want it to last. There are times that people just wanted to last it longer because they want it to remain in there and holding on to it longer. Start choosing to live happy and be yourself again. Bring back the old you without her in your life. People say that its really hard but they are the ones imposing it to their life not her or anybody but you.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jan 09
So I have to just be who I was before her? Okay thanks I will take that advice.
@nixxi76 (3192)
• Canada
12 Jan 09
As hard as this sounds I think your mother is right. There may be no way to forget. She was your first girlfriend. There's a first for everything and usually those are the hardest to let go as would be the second. Good luck
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
But how do I go about restarting a new relationship? I mean I can't even talk to another girl without thinking of my ex.
1 person likes this
@nixxi76 (3192)
• Canada
14 Jan 09
I wouldn't go out expecting anything because if you let your hopes get up they may fall down so I wouldn't just let things try to fall into place by waiting for it. You're going to have to keep yourself busy with other friends and do things that you would not do with your exgirlfriend. That's the keyword here "NEW" so do new things.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jan 09
so start new hobbies and all that are totally different, make a life change in other words. Okay thanks...wow so much work lol.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84141)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Jan 09
That's hard, especially if there were things in the relationship that made you really happy. And now you don't have them any more... Time will eventually fix the problem, but in the meantime try and find something to occupy your mind. One friend told me he used sudoku. Or remind yourself of the reasons why the relationship didn't work instead of thinking about the good parts of it. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jan 09
lol...that is the problem...the relationship did work...only reason why we seperated was because I moved like seven states over to go to school.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84141)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Jan 09
California sized states or Rhode Island sized states. Just kidding... Well that does make it harder than if there were problems with the relationship. But maybe it will end up being one of those 'found each other again and were very happy' stories after you are done with school.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jan 09
don't I wish lol, too bad I swear she keeps tabs on me...
@gbeast95 (505)
• United States
15 Jan 09
i'm sorry for your loss. i never had a girl friend but i had watched this show where the protagonist(main character)had a smilar problem like you. his friend in the show said "love's a complicated emotion" which is true. i think that love is too compliccated and won't leave you. i never ask my dad this but i bet he thinks about some of his ex's sometimes. all i have to say is don't try to forget her, it hurts more when you try to forget so don't try to forget.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Jan 09
LOL thanks gbeast that means a lot, really. and yea your right...love is complicated...and erm good luck when that conversation happens between you and your dad-)
@gbeast95 (505)
• United States
15 Jan 09
no problem man good luck trying to let go anywayz one day you'll find your true love i'm certain
@Humbug25 (12552)
12 Jan 09
Hey there luvandpower Well in my experience, time is a great healer and over some time you will have gotten over it all and you won't give her too much thought. I recently got in touch with a guy I hadn't seen in 15 odd years and I was his first love. He felt compelled to talk to me all about it and said he just needed closure on it all even after all this time. I think your mother is right, I think the memory of your first love will stay with you forever but you will be able to move on again in time, that is all you need is time!
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jan 09
lol I just can't stand it when I go up to a girl and when I go to to use a pick up line I just ruin it somehow and make a geek of myself because I then think of something she said about that particular line lol...
• United States
12 Jan 09
like I asked this chick out to coffee once...and instead I asked her if she ever spilt coffee on herself and asked then if she had to get help getting it cleaned up. I know its corny and cheesy but it was I literally said instead of what I wanted to say lol
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
12 Jan 09
It sure can be difficult to deal with when it comes to a loss of a relationship with someone that you really cared for. I remember the feeling from years ago when I was younger. Usually with the passing of time things got better and I met someone else. You will soon forget as soon as someone else comes into your life. Good luck to you.
• United States
12 Jan 09
But is it odd for over a year?
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5194)
• United States
12 Jan 09
It is not necessarily that odd. You probably had strong feelings for this person. You sound like a caring and loyal person for sure. You will find someone that you can give yourself to and love them completely. They will love you back. You will know when you find that right person.
1 person likes this
@edujccz (929)
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
I dont know what really happened between you and your girlfriend why you separated. Asssuming that he dump you but you love her too much that's why its hard for you to forget and let go. How you can let things go is simply a matter of accepting that she is not for you and you are meant for others. They say memories are forever for they become part of your life at one time and you cannot deny that. But to live with such memory, beautiful or sad will do you no good and with no result. Learn to accept and find another girl for you to start a new life, rather than living with past memories will be like a ghost haunting you forever. Cheer up.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
Don't push away memories that are painful because the relationship did not work.It is a matter of being open to your feelings of sadness and anger instead of pushing the pain away. This does not dwelling on theses feelings endlessly, being obsessed with thoughts about the relationship can become a way of keeping the connection alive. Mourning should not be away of clinging but a way of letting go and saying good bye. If you accept that your life has continuity and cohesiveness, even if people in that story are no longer in your life, you can decrease your sense of loss and bitterness about the relationships that did not work out. So try to get to feel, know and enjoy the continuity of your life.It will take some time, but you will be ok. Open your self to someone much better suited.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
Well...that is the problem she was like my equal the one that suited me so to speak...I am picky, but whenever I try to move on I just remember her how do I fix that part?
@cathya (705)
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
Don't push yourself to forget her. To be honest I've been into this situation ones , I can say it's really hard and very painful but else we can do?! I suggestion is just let it be. If it happens you think of her then let it be, if you feel the pain then cry, if you want to scream then scream. Its the best and easiest way to get rid all these. Be good to yourself and let things happen. Sooner or later it will all disappear. Good luck and God bless.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
well I must admit that is a first scream if it helps...I will try that actually lol. Thanks.
• China
13 Jan 09
I'm sorry to hear that, it's really hard to forget first love, I still remember my first love, it has been four years, maybe not strong, but sometimes I still think about him. So I really can understand, and some people said that the best way to forget somebody is start a new.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
If only I could do this...I can't even go up to a girl and ask them out with trouble of remembering her.
@kissie34 (2296)
• Philippines
13 Jan 09
The hardest thing of letting go is forgetting the one you really love especially if he/she is your first love.. In your case, I think forgetting her isn't that easy especially if you still love her.. The best thing you can do is not to forget her and just continue your life as if she's just having a vacation.. I know its a matter of fooling your self but I think forgetting her is the worst solution I could think of.. Living without the one you love isn't that easy but if you just tried to focused your life and used her as an inspiration then you can actually go on and hopefully someday you didn't noticed that you don't love her anymore and just actually forgetting her.. What am I trying to point out here is that you used all the happy memories that you've spend together as an inspiration to continue your goals in life.. Don't actually forget her because you can't forget her that easy, it really needs time and effort.. So that you won't feel the pain to much while you were continueing your life then just stop telling your self that you need to forget her since you know that its hard and impossible for now.. Instead continue your life as it is as if she still exist and just think that you need to be separated because she's having a vacation some where.. If you think that you miss her then try to remember all the happiest moment that you spend together.. Remember only the happiest moment so that the pain won't come back.. Well, I think it works... Because it works to me... I hope I gave you some idea on how to let it go..
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jan 09
thanks I never thought about it in that sense. It is true, I did somewhat use her as an inspiration, question though how do I ask another one out when all that happens is that I remember her when I ask someone else out?
@jesssp (2743)
• Canada
12 Jan 09
You can't forget her, but you can get past her. Focus on yourself and keep busy, be active in different clubs or sports if that's your type of thing or start new hobbies. Get yourself out there and meet new people and try out new things. Don't worry about finding someone new, just work on yourself and the rest will come on it's own!
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jan 09
I have tried this..we did a lot of items together, and well everything reminds me of her lol.
• China
13 Jan 09
Your mother is right. It is very difficult to get rid of the memory of first girl friend. But i think you still have to look forward and move everything on. I sugest you make yourself busy in doing something or travel to another place for a long time. That would be helpful. I hope you can be over her and find your ture love for life as soon as possible.
• United States
13 Jan 09
I can't even move on without feeling guilty or whenever I ask someone else out I think of her and just screw everything up.
• China
14 Jan 09
In your situation, it is really not very good for you to ask somebody out. Just leave yourself alone and try to forget her first.
• United States
14 Jan 09
So move on and think about relationships later okay thanks