Problems convincing your husband you want to stay at home?

United States
February 25, 2009 12:57pm CST
My husband is a wonderful man, but I have always wanted to stay at home when I have children. We found out I'm pregnant, and now he wants me to work. The thing is, I can't get him to understand that it's less expensive for me to stay at home. I don't mind finding a night job, so he can stay home with the baby, but right now no one is hiring me, I think because I'm pregnant. I do make a small income at home, selling books online, but it's only about enough to help pay for rent, and maybe my car, if I can find more books here pretty soon. Is there anything I can say that might convince him that it's cheaper, and better for the children, for me to stay at home? Any help would be appreciated, or maybe some of you that do send your kids to daycare, could tell me an average cost per day? Thanks in advance
3 people like this
15 responses
@stacyv81 (5906)
• United States
25 Feb 09
Well, I had no problem, me and my guy were on the same page with that. There are a lot of pros for staying home, for example you can have complete comtrol over how your children are raised, less trips to the hospital because of day care germs. (hospital visits arent cheap even if you have insurance) and that also goes for the time you have to take off work to take them to the doctor and care for them at home when they are too sick to go to daycare. I know for me if I got a job, and we paid for daycare for three kids, my guy would have to pay extra from his pocket as well as my whole paycheck to pay for it! As for how much daycare costs, that all depends on where you live, and the day care you choose.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 09
You've been given a lot of good advise so far, so I'm not sure what else to add save maybe a little of our story. My husband, current one, had no issues with me staying at home. He prefered it because he didn't want me to miss out on the development of our children, and he didn't want someone else raising our children. I didn't want that either so it worked out. In terms of dealing with a difficult husband though I'd simply give him a spreadsheet. Men are very logical creatures, so don't appeal to his sense of "emotion". You're likely to be met with a "That's illogical captain". Instead, show him the books. Create a spreadsheet of what it would cost you in gas, expenses, and daycare (including extra lunches for you, the kids, etc) if you were to work. Subtract that from the amount you'd make from the job you'd have. Then do a cost comparison if you stayed at home taking into account any milage spent going places (you'll travel considerably less if you stay at home, and be able to do more things like walk to the store, use a bicycle, etc). You may also wish to add in the cost of maid services if you work, because quite frankly who has time to clean and work right?! Present it to him as if you were in a board meeting, create a prospectus. Use charts and graphs to grab his attention. If you are clever with the pc, create a powerpoint and send it to him via email. Good luck to you though. I hope you do get to stay home and enjoy the bonding time with your child, it is so very worth it. Blessings, Anora
• United States
26 Feb 09
Thank you all so much, it's great advice. Unfortunately I have to approach him slowly about this. He also doesn't understand the concept of not putting them in daycare for at least two months, at least here. So there is no chose until then anyway. He would never understand charts and graphs, he's a carpenter kind of guy, but I will definately have to work up the numbers. And you've all given me some great ideas for that. Thanks so much
• United States
26 Feb 09
I was just giving you the perspective of being "logical". Most men, speaking from experience in dealing with them and speaking to them about this topic, don't want to hear all of the emotional stuff involved. They want the nuts and bolts. I'm not saying they are not sensitive, I'm saying they won't be moved in a discussion by appealing to their "heart" so to speak. I hope you can work out your issues with your husband. Good luck-Anora
• United States
26 Feb 09
Thanks again, and you're right, it will all have to be laid out for him to see clearly.
@deejean06 (1953)
• United States
25 Feb 09
Childcare is an astronomical expense. Please look online and you'll see the costs of childcare - they sometimes list prices on the company website. I envy you because I would love to stay home with my son also. I had always dreamed of being a stay at home mom but it just wasn't good for us financially. I am lucky though because I have the next best thing - my son is cared for by his grandparents and we give them a small sum each week. We buy all his clothes, diapers, food, etc. but sometimes my mother goes shopping and gets things for him too. We truly don't want her to because it's enough that they are taking care of him and we know that he's in good hands. If you can stay home - please do!
• United States
25 Feb 09
I think it would be really different if we had what you do. I have family in two other states, who would gladly help, but we don't live close enough. I wouldn't mind going to work if the baby was with family, but I just don't want to entrust my children to people I don't know. Even though I realize they would take care of her. But even if I went back to work, we're only talking about me making a little over minimum wage, because I haven't finished my degree. So, it's just not feasible. All of my income would be going to the daycare, and none to bills. At least making the small amount I do at home, I can have both, make a little extra, and stay with my baby. It's convincing my husband of that! I have never met such a stubborn man.
@deejean06 (1953)
• United States
25 Feb 09
Search the yellow pages for daycare centers in your area and call for pricing. Show your husband and maybe he'll understand. My husband says that men are visual beings and need to see things in order to understand. If you show him maybe it will prove your point and you'll be able to stay home and squeeze that baby on a regular basis!
• United States
27 Feb 09
I'm a stay at home mom and my spouse doesn't mind that I just stay home with my kid but he wouldn't mind either if I wanted to work. It's up to me. I make extra cash by writing articles online like on mylot and other writing sites. If you can't get other jobs besides minimum wage, then even if you got a minimum wage job outside of the house, all that you make from your minimum wage job would go to the babysitter or housekeeper, unless you can bring your children to your work. Also, you have to ask, is your spouse gonna watch your children while you're at work? Or do you plan on getting a babysitter/nanny/housekeeper? Let's say you look for a job but all the jobs pay less like around $8-$10 per hr. Alot of babysitters and housekeepers charge that much. Most babysitters do not charge less than that because they need to make a living too. Now if you have a degree of some kind and can make more than the hourly rate I mentioned, that's different. That's great you make money selling books, keep doing that because it helps bring money. You can also look into writing articles online too for more cash. The websites I write articles for it helps bring me some money but I can't post the websites here because it's against the rules of mylot. You can send me a message if you want though.
• United States
27 Feb 09
Hi, Thanks for the comments. My husband would be okay watching the baby while I'm at work, so it would all work out great if I could find a night job. I would be very interested to know what other writing jobs you do. I tried to write you a message, but you had to have me as a friend first, so I requested that. Thanks again
@dropofrain (1169)
• India
26 Feb 09
I will first ask you one question that are you financially sound? If not then you should work and if yes then your husband needs to understand. I think if you dont want to work then your husband should not force you for the same. This is really bad on his side if he is being forceful to you at this time of your life.
• United States
26 Feb 09
It's not so much that he's being forceful, I just think he doesn't understand the concept. He is from Cameroon, West Africa, and they do things a lot differently there to say the least. We are doing okay with our finances. I wish we could have gotten completely out of debt first, but we're not doing too bad. I will probably lose my car. But, again, this is not from lack of trying on my part to find even a part time job. I've been looking here and there is nothing. Every application I put in they look down at my stomach, then either not call back, or ignore my calls when I call them. I make a little bit from home. Enough to pay for half the rent, and up until now, my car payment. But the economy is getting worse, and it's even affecting that more than I would like. I'm hoping after the baby is born, I can find a part time job working at night. I don't want to be a burden to him, and just leave him with everything. But we aren't doing too bad.
@rsa101 (13344)
• Philippines
26 Feb 09
Well show him your budget if you are to work and if you are to stay at home. In this trying times it is for my own opinion that husband and wife should help each other in handling the finances properly. If you could just show him the numbers as a proof that your lives would be better for you to stay at home why not. I think your husband is just worried if you stop working the finances would solely be depended on him which he may not be able to handle. By showing him that you could earn more or your lifestyle would not be hampered by staying home and working at home then go for it.
• United States
26 Feb 09
Actually, right now, there is no chose but for him to pretty much pay for everything now, anyway. The only job I have is to sell some books online. It doesn't make very much, but it does help with rent, and until this last month, my car payment. But I can't find a job right now, anyway. No one is hiring here, and I've looked just about everywhere. So, in essence, we would be staying about the same as now. I think you're right, I think we both need to help with finances, I jut can't help as much as I would like to. I wanted to at least have a job until the baby was born, but that's just not happening.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 May 09
I was the opposite. After my DD was born, I wanted to go back to work. My DH wanted me to cut back hours or quit totally. I told him I couldn't stay at home. I'd go insane. Ask nicely, honestly and without beating around the bush. Hinting may make your husband feel manipulated. List the ways it will help save you both time or money and how much enjoyment it will bring you and the baby. Discuss how doing this would benefit him. For example, it'll save money. It'll help you bond with the baby. But be prepared that he might not listen. Then you've got to ask yourself if it's worth it or not to have an ongoing argument.
@Pleiades (847)
• United States
26 Feb 09
I will give you a look at my life: I'm a single mother raising four children. Thankfully, I have help from my family or I would have to work outside the home. Problem is, if I did that, then how would I afford health insurance? How would I pay for child care expenses? Let's not forget when the baby is sick, who will take time off work (which is less money or you have to make up those hours) to care for them? The answer is pretty simple. Granted, being a stay at home mother is alot of hard work as well. There's the need to interact with adults, going out and having that money to spend. But, if you do become an at home mother, don't ever think that you're not doing anything, oh no. A job as a parent is something that even though is rewarding, isn't paid at all...or at least, not to pay the bills. *Pleiades
@mgmagana (3621)
• United States
26 Feb 09
sending a child to daycare could cost anywhere between 80-150 a week..obviously the better care the more expensive.... it's better for u to raise ur child on ur own because u always have the best interest at heart for ur kids...strangers don't. i never put my kids in daycare...i don't trust strangers..it's not worth it especially with the abuse n perverts u hear about.
@mommaj (21722)
• United States
26 Feb 09
In this economy it is all about whether you can afford to stay home. If you get an evening job while he works during the day that is ideal. That way there is no outlay for daycare and the chores with the baby are split. I was fortunate enough to stay home with both my kids and all I can say is once you make your children your whole life you get more upset about them growing up than if you had a job to take your mind off of it.
@Didi1201 (12)
• United States
25 Feb 09
If you don't know the average cost then how can you be sure its cheaper where you are? Maybe if you do a little research and write it all down and show him the numbers that would help if it truly is cheaper. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Sit down and find out from him if something other than money is prompting him to want you to work. Some husbands I know want their wives to work because they feel its unfair for the wife to get to stay home while they work. Or they think if she says home she'll become lazy and do nothing all day. Find out exactly what it is from him (don't guess) and then address that. If its money then that's easy to settle. Call daycares and find out the costs then compare to how much income you'll lose if you stay home. Day care in your area won't be the same as in other areas, so do some calling. Good luck.
@cher913 (25902)
• Canada
25 Feb 09
what you should do is do some cost comparising. if you have a great paying job, you may want to still work, but if you dont, forget it. you will be working to pay the babysitter. show him the figures in black and white. i know someone that does have a great job, even so, she pays almost $800 a week for babysitting.
@Raven7317 (693)
• United States
25 Feb 09
Hi Butterfly, Congrats on your pregnancy and I send you wishes of a healthy baby... Personally, we did not have differing opinions on the subject, it was simply a matter of as long as we could afford it, I would stay home with our son. On that note, the "affording it" part includes working and/or paying for daycare. Now, to convince your hubby... hhhmmm... try this: Sit down with a pad of paper and start a two column list of pros and cons to you staying home, then do the same with you working. Do a little research first to find the daycare rates for your area, don't forget to include things like gas to/from work/daycare... Then do research on jobs that you know you could get now, note the salaries and compare. With this kind of spreadsheet, you should be able to show your husband that it just doesn't make any sense for you to work outside of the house if all your money is going to be eaten up by daycare and gas expense, not to mention the extra time in the car is taking away, not giving, time to anyone. Also, don't forget the pros/cons of having your child with/without you. Research on this will also show the good/bad of having your child in daycare at such a young age. There are benefits, but I don't think they outweigh the negatives... Don't be afraid to corner him on this issue. You both need to come to an agreeable solution so that it doesn't affect your marriage. Try to think of compromises; you stay home for the first 6/9/12 months, then get a part time job at night. Also, try to think of any and everything you can to make him see how important this is to you and your baby. Was he shuffled off to daycare as a child? Does he resent it now? OR was his mom home everyday to see to his needs and didn't that help him? We saw it as simple as this: we didn't have a baby to have someone else raise him. And even though we know there are many mom's out there who HAVE to work, or WANT to work, we saw our baby as a blessing and we saw that being able to afford for me not to work as a blessing and we took our blessing as it was handed to us because you just never know when you're going to get another one! Best of luck!
@kezabelle (2986)
25 Feb 09
Just keep looking you will find a job eventually that fits in with the new baby, but check out all your options first working part time might be more beneficial because child care costs can be huge. good luck and you know it will all come together in the end as long as you spend time with your child each day (and that doesnt need to be all day every day as long as its quality time that beats quantity any time) and have enough money to support it then its ok
@bubbletush (1334)
• Philippines
25 Feb 09
my preference should i have a child is also to stay at home. luckily, i need not convince my husband to allow me to stay at home. from the start, he already told me that whether i want to be a career woman or a fulltime housewife is all up to me. Whatever would make me happy is fine with him. I have been a fulltime housewife for two years already but unfortunately do not have a child yet. But I do have a homebased online job that is somehow paying decently. Although I do not have any expenses because my husband pays for all of our expenses and even pay for whatever I want to buy, I love the homebased job because it makes me feel good to earn a living.