What do I do now? - 16 yr old daughter has run away from home.

July 20, 2009 8:43am CST
Hi, Im at my wits end, we found out last night that my 16 year old daughter has been pretending to go to work and going out drinking instead. She works at a bar so last night we banned her from the bar and grounded her, and this morning we found a note on her bed saying that she has gone away for a bit to clear her head???? Im so upset..what do I do? my husband wants to wait and see if she comes back tonight or in the morning but i feel so anxious..should i call the police? contact someone ? help please :(
8 people like this
34 responses
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
20 Jul 09
If you do not know where her friends are, by all means call the police, if not call all her friends and even place of work, I am not sure how a 16 years old works in a bar, but let them know she is banned from there. Good luck.
3 people like this
24 Jul 09
Hi, unfortuinately the police could not do anything as she is 16 :( At the time she hadnt turned up for work and no one knew where she was....She was originally just collecting dirty glasses in the bar and cleaning, but now it turns out she had been offered drinks and was taking them :( Thankyou for your comment
@ShellyB (5244)
• United States
24 Jul 09
Is there a reason why you let your daughter start working at a bar? Were there other jobs? OR she is just that stubborn? I hope the best for you and your family.
1 person likes this
24 Jul 09
Hi, she had wanted a job for extra pocket money for a while and there isnt many opportunities in the small town that we live in, apart from paperrounds and she didnt want to do those, one day when she was shopping in the big town (chesterfield) she saw a sign in a window and went in and got the job straight away, its a restaurant/pub but gets quite rowdy at night. I didnt want her to take the job but my husband thought it might be a good idea, because she's sensible and it might show her a side to people that shes never experienced and might just put her off the idea of drink before she starts...unfortunately it backfired :(
@geniustiger (1699)
• Philippines
20 Jul 09
Sorry to hear this kind of situation now from you my friend. You may call all her friends and asked something about her. Her boss and her boyfriend if she has. Do whatever good for her to know where she is. Pray to God that she will come back home and have peaceful mind. Wait for 3 days or 1 week if she will come home. If no choice let her report to the police so that she will be seen. Might be someone invite her for vacations or anything else as a young adults.
24 Jul 09
Hi thankyou for your comments, we have found out that she has been in a possible relationship with a 25 year old man...:(and has been staying with him...my local vicar went round last night to talk to her and didnt want to leave her in that situation, yet she didnt want to come home, so he has taken her away with his family as they were due to go away on holiday today. I am lucky that he did this as I worry that she would have been on a downward spiral...this will give her time to think in a safe environment, away from the pub, away from influential friends and away from us...hopefully she will find the way forward while she is away...fingers crossed
@dreamr802 (987)
• United States
20 Jul 09
I would definitely call all of her friends to see if they might know where she is. If she doesn't come back by tonight I would definitely call the police. She's 16 and the police will help you because she is underage.
2 people like this
24 Jul 09
Hi, thankyou for commenting, unfortunately in this country, 16 year olds are allowed to leave home, as they are classed as adults..even though they shouldnt smoke, drink or get married! Bizarrely enough if i went round and dragged her back home..I could get in trouble for kidnapping! How wrong is that :(
• United States
26 Jul 09
allegradream What country do you live in that is crazy that they consider 16 to be adult and you go get your child you get in trouble for kid napping thats not right hear in the USA is 18. I am still praying for you I hope she comes home to you.
@emilie2300 (1892)
• United States
20 Jul 09
I am 32 I have two girls 12 and 13. When I was younger at the age 15 I ran away from home. My mom called all my friends and she called the police. If it was my two girls I would call every one I knew that knew her. and call the bar to see if they saw her this morning or last night. Also I would call the police and get them looking for her asap.. Before she gets across the border you just never know these days.. Check her computer if she uses one see if you see anything thats not right in her emails myspace if she has one.. Post flyers with her picture up at the bar supermarket telephone polls. Good luck to you I hope this is helpful to you. I know the heartacke my mother had with me. I know how I would feel if it was my girls..
2 people like this
@tcup345 (360)
• United States
22 Jul 09
I agree totally for emilie, call her friends, call the police. She may be just "clearing her head" but why take the chance that she'll be safe while she's gone. Get her home, there's so much that can happen to a girl. My heart cries for you. I'll pray for you and your daughter. Please let us know when you find her.
1 person likes this
24 Jul 09
Thankyou for your prayers Tcup :)
@rebelmel (1387)
• United States
21 Jul 09
I think you should call the police and make sure they know what has happened. Just in case she goes somewhere and something happens, they will know where to find you. Like if her and her friends are out causing trouble or something, and the cop happens to see her. Not saying that she's a trouble maker, but you know. Also, I think you shouldn't get too worried yet. If she has only been gone since the morning, maybe she really wanted to go for a walk and think a bit. Maybe she will come back. Has she ever run away before? You should get in touch with anyone you can, and see if anyone has seen her. Good luck, and I am sorry about what has happened.
2 people like this
24 Jul 09
Hi, we contacted some of her friends and it turned out she had flitted from one friends sofa to another and ended up at a 25 year old mans flat! Our local vicar went in and refused to leave without her and has taken her away for a while to get her out of that environment and give her a safe place to think about things...phew, but I have a feeling its not over yet...they will be back on thursday, so we will see what she decides then...and no she hadnt done anything like this before...thats why it shocked us so much..by all accounts she was a clear level headed girl who was a level 5 cellist with great hopes for her future as a music teacher...until sunday night when her lies started to hit home...we were gobsmacked...but am now wondering if perhaps she may have got herself pregnant or something and is ashamed to tell us..i hope she isnt but it might explain a few things...will keep posting to update everyone
@snowy22315 (52716)
• United States
20 Jul 09
If it were my child I would wait and see if she comes back tonight but if she does not and her whereabouts are unknown, I would call the police. I'm sure she is fine but 16 year olds do not need to be wondering around with no supervision whatsoever particularly if she is drinking and doing who knows what else. You sound like you are in a tough situation, been there done that, no fun. My sympathies are with you.
2 people like this
24 Jul 09
Hi, we waited...much against my instincts, but we thought she might come back after one night once shed cooled down, but she didnt and hasnt been back since. She hasnt contacted us, but a local vicar has found her and taken her away to give her some space to think..shes back on thursday so hopefully we'll get some answers then. Thankyou for your comments.
@dmrone (751)
• United States
20 Jul 09
Hi! I would call the police. I hope she returns home safely, and maybe everything can be worked out to an agreeable situation for your family. The police will be able to search for her, when her friends may not let you in the door.
2 people like this
24 Jul 09
Thankyou for your kind comments, we traced her to a mans flat in town but the police annot do anything as she is 16!...she is currently with our local vicar so is in a safe environment until they manage to talk sense into her, and find out exactly whats troubling her...hopefully this time next week, life will be back to somehwat normality...many regards for posting.
@rosepedal64 (4192)
• United States
20 Jul 09
I don't mean to be rude at all. If that was my 16yr daughter I would have called the police when I found the note. The police needs to be involved. They can put out a Amber Alert which in return would make her call or come home. She might also be with a gentleman friend who is older and doesn't know what her real age is. Do an Amber Alert. I need to ask a question. Why was you letting her work in a bar at the age of 16yrs and how did the bar allow her to work there? Please let me know if you find her.
24 Jul 09
Hi, unfortunately the police wouldnt do anything as she is 16, nearly 17 and left a note. We live in England and unfortunately even if they found her, if she didnt want us to know where she is, the police dont have to tell us! how wrong is that! Please see my previous comments for updates, but she is safe at the moment with our local vicar who is trying to talk sense into her, whilst giving her space away from us and the bad influence she got in with to work out exactly what she wants to do with her life...ill keep posting updates and thankyou for commenting, kind regards.
@lelin1123 (15644)
• Puerto Rico
20 Jul 09
I would be contacting the police now before more time has past and she could get herself into more trouble. Hopefully she will be back by tonight but if she is handing out with the wrong crowd that may not happen. I hope everything turns out good for you. I will be praying for your family and especially for your daughter that she gets her head in order and comes home.
24 Jul 09
There really does seem to be a wrong crowd problem here...it seems (and Im only guessing from a jigsaw of comments over the last few weeks) that her head has been turned by a 25 year old who goes to her bar to drink, it appears she has either fallen for him or his lifestyle and has decided that thats what she wants instead of living under our rules at home...and we have fairly strict rules because we have 5 other children at home...but all in all we have been quite lapse with her..allowing her to work at the bar and to use the computer unsupervised and the use of a mobile phone...which has all led to too much secrecy in our family. Please see my previous comments for a rough update, and I am relieved that she is now safe with our vicar until Thursday but I just hope she finds the strength to admit she has made mistakes and lied to too many people but is strong enough to face up to it and start to rebuild a healthier life for herself...Oh also she has problems with her hips which give her constant pain, and I was worried that a while back she was getting addicted to painkillers, but lately she had stopped using them..it makes me wonder now if she turned to drink to numb the pain..can drink numb joint pain?..I dont think Ive ever drunk enough to be an expert on that subject. kind regards and thankyou for your prayers.
@nicholejade (2430)
• Canada
20 Jul 09
First off how the heck does a 16 year old get a job in the bar?!?!? I have never heard of this and 16 year olds are not suppose to be working in bars. Secondily if you are really worried about where she is you could call the police but it's not like she is missing. She ran away and the note to prove that it is just a run away. I say wait for a bit and when she does come home sit her down and talk with her. Don't be angry or fly off the handle be calm and cool about this as she was mad with you for grounding her and banning her from the bar. She will run away again if you go off the deep end. Talk with her and see if you can come up with a happy medium. I know most 16 year olds are out drinking so it is going to be very hard to break her from it. And coming down and telling her that she can't drink is not going to help her. Tell her things that could happen from binge drinking. There are lots of facts and maybe even make her watch this movie called *The Party Never Stops* It's about binge drinking and it might just scare her away enough from drinking all the time. Best of luck to you but remember to be calm and rational about it.
@abby01 (65)
• United States
20 Jul 09
There's times that she'll be scared to come back because of the cops - meaning she'll hide more. But maybe you can either let her go around and feel how it feels to be on her own and how hard it is, basically make her learn her lesson. But then at the same time as a mother, its normal to worry that much. And obviously you want her safety. You can start calling her friends, if she has a cellphone you can look up all her contacts through the phone bill or online. Anyways, usually parents call the police after 24 hours that they've been missing. So it's up to you whichever you wanna decide to do. All mylotter's here are just to give you opinions.
2 people like this
24 Jul 09
Thankyou for your comments, unfortunately as she is 16, in the UK, she is allowed to live somewhere else :( We have been in contact with many of her friends and Ive asked people to keep an eye out for her. We now know that she is in safe hands with the local vicar, but that is just until Thursday, I just hope she comes home then .
20 Jul 09
I guess I am confused about the wording on the note. Did you refrase that is is that what she said? I have four children who at onetime were sixteen and that isn't anything that a upset teen would say. Is she on the internet allot or where an older man may have had contact with her? By all means call the police for her own saftey as well as yours. She may be in over her head. Even if she doesn't want to come home, you can make arrangements for her and go from their. It may even prove to her that you care for her and are trying to do right by her. Their will be alot of work ahead of you and your family, but first you have to get her back safe and soon before something worse happens.
24 Jul 09
Unfortunately, we think theres a 25 year old man involved that she knows we wont approve of..he smokes, drinks and has his own flat and we've traced her to his place. I think we may have been too lapsydaisy with the internet and mobile phones with her...and its led to a lot of secrecy, which has allowed this relationship to happen...I kick myself now, but am determined that my other 5 children will not follow her example...they will not be allowed phones unless they are going on a trip and all their internet usage will be monitored from now on, and downstairs...we used to let my eldest take the laptop into her bedroom to do her homework so she was in a quiet environment...and look whats happened...but am determined this will never happen again...please read my previuous comments for an update, she still hasnt contacted but at least I know the vicar is working for a safe outcome, if she doesnt want to come back, he will help her set up someplace that is safe and healthy for her. It also turns out that she has been lying to a lot of other people..not just us...so I wonder if her web of lies is starting to unravel and with her exam grades due to come (maybe she thinks she did worse than expected) and its all started crashing down on her, and instead of facing it, she ran from it. until I speak to her, I wont know..but at least for now...well until thursday I know she is in safe hands, thankyou for commenting.
@rapolu_cs (1184)
• India
20 Jul 09
Iam bit confused that she at her young age of i6 and moreover first call at her all friends address and later if the situation is more serious call the police and one more thing do you people know in which bar she used to work and look there for her.
24 Jul 09
Hi thankyou for your comment, I am sorry its taken so long to respond, Ive been turning on the computer only to check if she has emailed or facebooked me. Unfortunately the police cant do anything because in the Uk, you can live somewhere else once you hit 16 :( We tried a few friends that we know, but they told me that she has distanced herself away from them in the last few months and that she is in with a bad lot in town...this took us on the trail to a flat above a pub where she was thought to be staying with a possible 25 year old man :( I told my brother who was going to go around this weekend, but i have found out this morning that my local vicar went round to talk to her and didnt want to leave her there, but she wouldnt come home,so hes taken her away on his family holiday (they were due to go this morning)to give her some space in a clean environment to sort her head out....So Im glad shes safe now...but sad that she is so confused about herself :(
@Hatley (164485)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Aug 09
allegradream hatley here. I would call the police and tell them what you have told us. I think there is some department for juvenile runaways but the police can help you on that. I would not wait as out there for a teen can be dangerous 'and shes probably emotionally upset too.how on earth did she get a job working in a bar when shes not 18 yet? here in Ca. she wouldnt be able to do that til shes 18.hope this helps a bit. do call the police aS she could be in dAnger.
1 person likes this
16 Aug 09
Hi thanks for everyones kind responses to my post, Im going to choose best response now, and include an update. Basicly, she hasnt come home, has decided that we are too controlling! We only asked her to knuckle down for a month over her revision time...too controlling! We still do not know where she is staying, but someone is obviously looking after her as she is well fed and clean. I have seen her once and she looked well but wouldnt come home. She is on facebook and although she is coy about where she is staying, it appears to me that she is having a good time over the summer holidays..which is good, but its very heartbreaking to see that, when she could be at home having a good time. She decided this was her time to leave home and I guess she couldnt tell us and leave amicably. So Ive had to wish her all the best of luck and let her go , its really broken my heart but there was nothing I could do that wouldnt send her further away from me. thankyou everyone for all your responses, but I will close this discussion now as I find it heartbreaking to return and read your kind comments. many regards and happy mylotting. Regards, Denise
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164485)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Oct 09
denise I do hope by now that your daughter realizes all she' has put you through and decides to come home to you. I know this must be so painful for you to keep going through this with'all our responses so please do not feel you have to comment.just know I am a mother too and am praying for you and your daughter. good luck.
@MsTickle (24993)
• Australia
23 Jul 09
I find it a bit hard to enter this discussion when the op can't be bothered to comment and up-date us on the proceedings. In this country you can't report anyone missing for 24 hours. What's a 16 year old doing working in a bar and going out drinking??? There is obviously a lack of parental responsibility here. No wonder the kid is confused and rebelling. She is probably safe with friends...let the police know what is going on and they will find her for you. You need to figure out how to talk to your daughter so she feels safe and comfortable confiding in you what is happening with her life.
1 person likes this
23 Jul 09
Hi, sorry for not commenting back Ive been turning on the computer only to check my emails and facebook to see if she has left me a message, as you can imagine, Im going through allsorts of emotions at the moment and I have 5 other children to keep life as normal as possible for. Ill sign on tomorrow and answer everyones responses, thankyou for commenting and dragging me back down to earth:)
2 people like this
@MsTickle (24993)
• Australia
23 Jul 09
You certainly have your hands full. I worked full time and was very strict with my young ones as they were growing. It all backfired on me though because they both took off at 11 and 12. The eldest landed on her feet thank God but the younger one went through a mess of trouble and never did get really sorted out. Meanwhile I still had to pay the bills. You don't say, but I'm sure your daughter is ok. Good luck.
@cgbrand (28)
• United States
21 Jul 09
number one, where do u live that would let a 16 year old work in a bar. number two why would you let her work in a bar? i don't really believe this story because a mother and father would call the police if their child was missing regardless of whether they left a run away note. if this story is true (which i doubt) then you are just horrible parents to let her work in a bar and obviously need to spend more time getting to know your daughter.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jul 09
I'm not sure how she works at a bar at 16 years old, but that's definitely not a good place for her to work and make friends. If she said she needs to clear her head, sounds like she has intentions of coming back. Call her or her friends or somewhere you would know she went to to make sure she is alright, if you have no idea where she is I would give it a day or two see if she comes back, if not call the cops!
24 Jul 09
Hi, the job was at a restaurant/bar and she was just collecting glasses and cleaning, but unfortunately its the people that she mixed with whilst she was there..I think she saw it as fun fun fun and wanted to be part of that, but knew we wouldnt allow it, which may have started off the secrecy and deception. We called on her friends and theyve pointed us in the right direction to find her, but luckily for us the local vicar found her and refused to leave without her, hes taken her with him on his family holiday to give her a safe environment to think things over...so hopefully we should get some answers by the time they are back...on thursday..ill keep posting with updates.
• United States
21 Jul 09
I don't know how the law works in the UK, but here in the US, you can only report a missing person or runaway 48 hours after they were last seen. I'm a little confused about what she meant by "clear her head," but I hope everything works out, allegradream!
1 person likes this
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
27 Jul 09
I myself have plenty of experience with this sort of thing. My daughter is now 18 years old and still living with me for the time being. I hope that what i'm about to say about my daughter doesn't scare you too much. Remember that just because my daughter did these things it doesn't mean yours will. My daughter had a problem following house rules and still does. When they reach 16 years of age all teenagers feel that nobody can tell them what to do. My daughter left home and went and stayed with a number of different people she knew. no mater how hard i tried she would listen. Now i don't know what the laws are in your country, but here in Australia at 16 years old you can't make them live at home. When my daughter finally did come home, i learnt that she was no longer a little sweet, shy, innocent girl. She changed in all the worst ways you can think off. I really hope that your daughter comes back safe and sound and that she hasn't changed as mine did. I won't tell you all the ways in which she changed, because that will only make you worry more. I'm sure though that you can understand what i mean. Good luck with it all and try to remember that all the worrying in the world isn't going to change anything.
• United States
23 Jul 09
When I was younger my sister wanted to run away from. But I didn't want to run away from I new my sister would hurt my mom and rip her apart if she did run away. And so my sister did run away and I followed her. I hated staying away from home. So I told my sister on the second day that we were gone I wanted to call my mom so we went to a phone booth at the store and I was hoping my mom would trace the call but it didn't happen. That night I met this kids bother we were staying with and I new he new my dad and was praying he would get a hold of my parents and thank God he did. My dad showed up and we went to the police station and my sister got lecture in a half by the cops and my sister got mouthy with them. They were going to send her away for a couple weeks to see how she liked it but they didn't. But I do know what you are going through. If your daughter doesn't come back home that night I would call the cops for her own and your protection. I know how scared you are about this. My prayers go out to you and your daughter.
1 person likes this