Why dont he just listen?

United States
July 23, 2009 1:56am CST
I just had my baby girl 2 months ago and it seems like every little piece of advice I give my boyfriend goes in one ear and right out of the other. I just don't understand why he doesn't listen. We had a huge fight yesterday and he told me that the only way for him to actually listen and take in what I say is for me to get serious about leaving him. It went as far as me packing all of her belongings and trying to take her. He finally got it that I was serious about him listening to me! So why does he do this. Someone please give me some answers....
2 people like this
12 responses
• Philippines
24 Jul 09
i have to agree with nrn2003 (post above) at some point she has said. Men don't like being told of what to do. Are you really advising him or commanding him to do something? An advise is different from a command. Men would generally not respond to a command by a girlfriend or a wife, even so if the manner in which it was said or tone are those of a drill sergeant. But when said in a gentle and loving way that might do the trick. To be brutally frank about it, I have the impression that both of you are not ready to become parents and yet you are because of the child. You are 20 now but you might have been only 19 years old when you got pregnant and he 20. Does he even have a stable job to raise a family? Having a child is very stressful and sometimes overwhelming for a married couple. What more to an unwed and very young and unprepared couple such as yourself. Marriage? I would not advise it at the moment. Before I could give my own take on this matter there are a couple of questions that are hanging over my head on this. He asked you to marry him, right? What are your doubts? What have you discover about him that you did not see before? Don't you think he would be a good husband and father? I think you both should undergo counselling.
• United States
24 Jul 09
I may have told him in an angry voice because she was screaming her head off. He does not have a stable job and I think that may be one thing that is holding me back from marriage. He is also immature. he likes to play his games on the computer and he is in love with his car. sometimes it seems like it goes the baby then the car and game and then me. And every time I try to explain it to him he dont see it like that. He has not popped the question he is always talking about it and I tell him not to ask because I will say no at this point. He would be a great father but not to sure about a husband. btu I guess as long as he is in her life that is what really matters.
• Philippines
24 Jul 09
now i get clearer picture. he needs more growing up to do. i could sense that you are the responsible person between the two of you. he is still at that stage of fun and games. where then do you get financial support for your baby? are you living in together just the two of you? if and when he does pop the question don't just say no. Explain to him why you said no. Enumerate to him your reasons why you said no. Maybe, just maybe he would come to his senses.
• United States
24 Jul 09
I have a steady job I have been there for 2 years. He is now working for a temp service. But he is trying I can give that to him. I try to tell him how I feel before he decides to ask that I just dont want to hurt him like that.
@AcireRo (54)
• United States
23 Jul 09
Oh gosh. I'm so sorry hun. I really don't know why he's acting like that other than perhaps he hasn't matured fully as an adult. That's not your fault. I completely understand as I'm in a similar situation, sorta. But now is the time to be protective of your heart and do whats in the best interest of you and your baby. If you do not feel marriage is the solution, then its not! And you will enter it under circumstances that will make you very vengeful later on. I'll be having a little girl in three months. I don't know if the father will be around/involved as he is enlisted in the military and we're no longer together. If we forced marriage now, I know that we would absolutely hate each other. I'm so excited for my little one, and if I'm going to be a single mother, than its okay. This is never what I planned, but I've been blessed and I have so much support in my community. This girl will be so spoiled :P Just take a breath and enjoy motherhood. And understand that if your boyfriend is not willing to jump on and be supportive, your only obiligation is to that little girl. She needs you. Good luck hun
• United States
23 Jul 09
She is and always be number one. we both put her first. we just dont seem to be getting along. I want him around because I never had my dad growing up and I want hers around. Plus I do love him but I am not ready to get married. I sometimes ask myself if we would be together if I never got pregnant.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
23 Jul 09
I sometimes ask myself if we would be together if I never got pregnant. I think there is your answer, Jamiegurl. I know in my heart absolutely that my husband and I would be together whether we had our daughter or not. She was actually born before we got married but even if we had no kids, we'd still be here lol. I have never understood that whole 'lets get married because we have kids' or 'let's stay married because we have kids'. Even though that can be ONE reason people use, it is not the only one, and in the scheme of things, most times kids are better off if their parents who are fighting and not in love are separate but parenting together rather than being together 'for the kids'. Also, like I constantly tell one of my friends that I love dearly - you have but one life, why spend it miserable with the wrong person? I know that when I get old and die or just plain die for whatever reason, I can look back and say that I had relationships that bettered me and the other person, that made me happy, that I got a lot of fulfillment out of. If I wasn't feeling that way, I would move on, because when all is said and done, you get one chance at life, that's it.
• United States
23 Jul 09
your right but yet i am still confused
@myx_03 (540)
• Philippines
23 Jul 09
He is your boyfriend and not yet a husband. Maybe he is not yet ready to be a father, that's bad to hear but maybe that's the reason.. That's one of reason why there are many single mother these days. But I pray that your boyfriend become mature in thinking and be happy because you have a baby. Get married as soon as possible for your baby.
• United States
23 Jul 09
see now thats a problem I dont want to get married. he does but I just dont see the point in it
• United States
23 Jul 09
Don't get married just for your baby. If things go horribly wrong you can mess up everything for that little girl... Your financials will take a huge hit if you hafta get a divorce.
• United States
23 Jul 09
I know that's why i don't want to rush into marriage I never want to be divorced
@simonelee (2718)
• China
23 Jul 09
You both have a problem.lol First, I would like to know how old are you and your boyfriend? The way your boyfriend act,he is acting like he is only in early 2O's. Your boyfriend is not ready to be a father and perhaps to be your future husband. Usually men don't like to be tied in their neck, they often need spaces but most of the time it will lead them to be irresponsible. Maybe, your boyfriend is in shocked of the sudden change of his life, physically,mentaly, and emotionaly. This alaways happends in early marriage. You both talk on the issues arisses or your relationship will end just like others do. God Bless and Welcome to the world of motherhood.=p
• United States
23 Jul 09
He is 21 and I am 20. We have a lot to work out. And thanks I love being a mommy.
@simonelee (2718)
• China
25 Jul 09
Both of you are young. Just take things slow, everything will be okay with Gods guidance.=D You already received the nicest gift could ever a woman wish for, her baby.
@eLsMarie (4148)
• Philippines
24 Jul 09
i think he's that prepared to become a father that's why he's searching for ways in order for you to finally give up and be totally away from him... how i wish he'll realize the loss he'll be having later on if he'll choose to be away from you and the baby...
• United States
24 Jul 09
it would be his loss because she is all i need
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
24 Jul 09
I don't understand it at all. Sounds as if he is one of these guys that you will only be happy with after you get fed up enough to leave him...then he'll be great for a short while and then back to the same old stuff. A lot of guys are like that but this is the first I've heard of a guy admitting it. Do you really want to go thru all of this each time you want him to listen to you? It'll get worse because after a while, he won't believe you are leaving until you actually do.
• United States
24 Jul 09
this true I guess if it happens then it happens
@smileonstar (4013)
• United States
24 Jul 09
Hello, well, I think he might be in stress of something that he can't say it out and plus you just have a baby... it seem like everything is going on too much at the same time. I heard you aren't want to get marry right? well, some man really want you to be his as a wife and be there at all time. And when you never want to get marry, it makes him feels bad and thought you are not serious about him. Give him sometimes and try to explain to him when everything is good between you two. You have to give him a great reason why you dont want to get marry to him. I hope he will understand. Sometimes when I am so mad at my husband, I feel like no reason to get married either cuz too much problem and there is no way for me to get out easy either. But things always up for reason, so you got it tie then you should untie it again.
• United States
24 Jul 09
I know we do have a lot of stress going on and maybe we just need to get away for awhile
• United States
24 Jul 09
Is he endangering her in any way? If not, then don't worry about it. Everyone has different parenting styles. Step back, take a deep breath, and let him bond with your daughter. I know it's a hard thing to do. I am the mother to 4 beautiful children. 12, 8, 18 months, and 4 months. If he is trying to help you and not causing any harm to the baby, let him do things the way he is comfortable. Be thankful that he wants to be a dad.
• United States
24 Jul 09
your right, and he loves her more than anything and I can see that. I am going to step back a little give him some space to do what he thinks is best.
@nrn2003 (670)
• United States
23 Jul 09
He doesn't listen to you because guys dont like to be told what to do. anyone in general doesn't like to be told what to do. They like to stretch the limits. I have a boyfriend who is the same way. he does whatever he wants. He doesn't need your advice. He can handle things on his own. That is what he is thinking. So in my opinion, just dont say a word. dont fight with him. see how it goes. see is he starts to realize that he is an idiot all on his own istead of just trying to prove you wrong. men are complicated beings. They try to say that women are so dramatic, but really its the men.
• United States
24 Jul 09
haha that is very true i will try your advice and just sit back and see how it goes.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
23 Jul 09
Well how do you feel? Do you love him? Are you IN love with him? Think seriously about this. A couple that belongs together should be friends AND romantically attracted. You should both WANT to be with each other and enjoy each other's company. You should both encourage each other's interests and want to make life better for each other, daily. If this is not happening, perhaps you are both wrong for each other, despite the fact that you have a baby girl together. One more question, how old are both of you? Men.... boys... etc tend to mature slower than women. I don't know why but from experience, that just seems to be true. My husband is 10 years older than me and that's about perfect, because if he were younger I think I'd be sick of it already lol. I have too many friends whose husbands are the same age or younger and they say the same things you do - everything they say goes in one ear and out the other, they don't listen to advice about parenting kids and how it has to be consistent, they ask dumb things like 'what should I feed the kids' when they KNOW there is a pantry full of things like mac and cheese, soup, and jello for making jigglers, there are chicken nuggets in the freezer and corn in the fridge! It also seems that men respond to conflict different than women do. Many of them try to ignore it and pretend it's not even happening. Others of them walk away from it and the the result of course is that you feel like they 'never listen'. They are probably doing this because they have no answer for you. They have probably heard what you said, but men as a species are trying to 'fix things'. Women don't necessarily want a fixit guy. We just want to vent, to talk, to figure things out through communication. Men sometimes are like a hammer. They just want to hit nails lol. Since we aren't 'nails', they get frustrated and don't know what to do, so they ignore or walk away because they feel useless. It really comes down to a communication barrier. He may also feel jilted because he is interested in marriage and you're not. Some people just aren't. I don't think that's a bad thing unless your partner wants to and you don't, or you do and your partner doesn't lol. That is one of those infamous 'impasse' things where each person thinks their way should stand but the other person feels the same way about THEIR side and there is no giving in or compromise on either side. I'll say this, some people get on fine without ever getting married. Marriage is not a prerequisite for a good relationship, it is not a prerequisite for being good parents or even being parents at all. Some people will tell you both are true and expected but they are NOT. Don't believe it. One other thing though, people who are poor communicators or who constantly fight with you probably won't change. They will not morph suddenly into the person you wish they could be. Oftentimes they see nothing wrong with their behavior and will claim it is YOU that is the problem. That spells disaster, someone like that is not going to be worth it in the long run. Figure out what is best for you and then go with it.
• United States
23 Jul 09
thanks a lot for this advise. I am not sure what I am going to do yet...
@markmoney (2868)
• Philippines
23 Jul 09
He is already a father now, even you are not yet married. That is the consequence, you should both face it and take the responsibilities. He is acting like that because he is trying to run out from the responsibilities. He is not yet ready and not yet willing to be a father. But it is there now. Maybe you should start planning your marriage now. If he refuse to marry you, you cannot force him. Maybe you should just ask him for a support and sustent for your baby. That is what you can get from him. Good luck! I hope you find a solution to your problem.
• United States
23 Jul 09
I dont want to get married but he does...
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
23 Jul 09
Regardless of what others say about your being young, and he being just your boyfriend, the fact is, he is the baby's father and is responsible to care for the baby too. He's being really irresponsible for suggesting that you leave him even if he's not serious about it. The answer for your problem is, have a chat with him. Tell him his responsibilities... there's no turning back. There's a new life to take care of. Let's all hope that your boyfriend would think clearly.
• United States
23 Jul 09
it not that he doesnt take care of her its just that he wont listen to advice that I give to him even if it is just something as simple as talking too her to get her to stop crying