Do you think you can change your spouse?

Very true if you have a great relationship and you realize you are dissapointing the person you love with certain behaviors its alot more motivating to change those things then someone making you feel like a bad person for the things you do, its hard to make positive life changes when someone around you is robbing you of the selfesteem and positive self image that is necessary to make good choices for yourself and your partner!

@bziebarth: This is a new and interesting point, I mean that cause change.I liked it.

Thank you. I have found that when you look at situations, in and out of marriage, with that attitude that it changes your behavior....and the outcome. For example, a situation with your boss may be bugging you. It can change your reaction (at least it does me) when you realize you cannot change what your boss does. But, it is possible to take actions that cause a change in him.

those are bad habits that you worked on to improve your own lives and also your relationship which is great! But i dont think trying to change a persons character or qualities ever works or lasts long!

It is so nice to hear that from you Nessafilth. You are right that a relationship should do good for both.

You are absolutely right caraj. But in practical life we expect our partners to change to our taste.

Absolutely right. That is why people need to pay attention to what they really want and go after it. It's pointless to "settle" for something less than what you want and then try to mold it into something else. If you love silk blouses, would you buy a cotton one and try to make it into silk? Of course not. You'd either have to wait until you could have a silk one, or if you decided to take the cotton, then you would have to just enjoy the cotton for what it is. You wouldn't resent the cotton for not being as soft as silk. And resenting it isn't going to do one darn thing to change it. xoxo Cyne

This total sacrifcing one's own likes and dislikes, took place only in our grandparents' times Vijayanths. THis is not possible in these modern days where women are more educated and are also in many cases financially independent. THis being the case , I feel it is more prudent to allow a partner to be his own self and have the freedom to maintain one's individuality too. Within this broad criteria , there can always be some via media and meeting point. However, when one tries to change another totally, it is a definite recipe for diaster. Sometimes, it does happen. But, this has some unwanted repurcussions later in life. In our society where there is plenty of interaction among relatives, unwanted comments are made and this sometimes can have an unconscious effect on the man/woman who may protest loud in old age with all their bottled feelings springing out.Apart from relatives, if one person sacrifices too much this person is likely to resent it some time or other.Curtailing one's ownself would not be good in the long run.It is better to have clear lines and define limits right in the beginning.

Kala, You sound very practical. It is true that total sacrifice was possible only during our grandparents periods when women were dependent on men. One thing is certain, if you really love a person, then you will try to avoid doing things that he/she does not like. It comes to you so naturally and spontaneously. I used to avoid doing things that annoyed my dad when he was alive and living with me. True love can't be found anywhere, it is quite unfortunate. What to do? We have only one option. Learn to digest the spouse's annoying habits.

I read your post Kala, it is a good article. I think only one thing can bring the changes you want in a partner. Total sacrificing is what you have to do to get what you want from your partner. One condition- your partner should be a reasonably good person with conscience.

I am no saint but if there is a need to change, why not, for the sake of trying to keep the marriage intact.

Many men are like that(Ego problem?) But let me ask you one thing-reply me honestly. Did you ever try to change yourself as he wanted?

For the most part I would think that if a person needs changing too much, and / or your partner thinks you need changing too much, then you are with the wrong person. Remember, when you agree to be in a relationship with someone, you are pretty much signing an "as is" deal. Still, there may be some behaviours that you would like to modify in your beloved. If that is the case, it's up to that person to change. We have absolutely no power over the behaviour of other people. The best thing we can do is to make sure our own behaviour models exactly what we expect from other people. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "be the friend you want to have"? Well that holds true of spouses and partners as well. You have to inspire people to want to change; not make them change. Just worry about what needs modifying in yourself to attract what we want from others, and If your own actions don't inspire the change you want from your partner, then you have to evaluate whether or not that person is worth staying with. xoxo Cyne

Jaiho, if you can't change your partner, learn to live with his defects, there is no way to live peacefully and happily.

nyayyy...Vijay dear...i didn't learn to live with his defects becoz it's not worth it too..so..i kicked him out of my life now (hehehe)

that is the best way of living happily.

ckyera, you have understood life very well. Your man must be very lucky.

Glad to note you liked this discussion Karen.In my experience both men and women want their partners to change a lot to their tastes but they will not move a step to change themselves wanted by their spouses. That is life, what to do. Sometimes it is annoying when your partner repeatedly doing something that irritates you.

Yes, some habits are purely annoying. In those instances, when we approach a spouse and say why the behavior is annoying or distracting, it should be no problem for them to drop the habit or pursue it when you're not around. Those are things we CAN perhaps get our spouse to change. It is the core character and personality that we cannot change in another. But tiny things? Yes, then we have a chance lol. Karen

Wow, that is a great Chinese way of loving and living. It is a fantastic example for others.

Yes, jugsjugs, that is the truth. You are right.

It is strange that you don't have anything to change him? He is very lucky then.

The things that could be considered flaws I say they are eccentricities. Which I kind of have fun with. (OCD)

hmfryklund, I think it happens everywhere around the world. I think if you want to change your spouse you need to sacrifice a lot and change your self first as wanted by him/her. Then only he/she will easily change, otherwise, no chance.

I noticed you said the other person didn't care enough to want to change. Maybe it wasn't that they didn't care so much as they felt attacked. I have been with people who wanted to change me and no matter how you put it, it just came across as, "there's something wrong with you" That does nothing to help me make changes, it just put me on the defensive all the time. I don't think anyone owes it to anyone else to change themselves. If there is something I don't like about a person, then it's up to me to decide if it's something I can live with or do I need to be with someone else. And maybe I need to be looking inward at my own character that draws that sort of person to me in the first place. In the end, I need to become the kind of person I would like to attract. Not attract what I don't like, and then change it. That person doesn't have to change for me or anyone but himself. If he feels that whatever drove me away is something that constantly drives people away, then he needs to choose what he's going to do about it. It's not my job to tell him he's flawed and he needs to change. That has to come from within himself if he wants to attract me or anyone who is looking for something different xoxo Cyne

yes, you are right. Many persons go to marriages with a secret decision to change the partners. It is not good especially when they are not willing to change to the taste of their partners.

Hahaha, you seem to be very matured. You are having a sound world knowledge. I am sure you won't have disappointments in your life.

Exactly, roberten. Experience has taught you the reality. Your husband was lucky to have you as his wife.

You are a very practical person, I think.