tell me please, Does my husband love me?

Philippines
September 6, 2009 4:48am CST
My sister got married to a German guy 10 months ago. They have the sweetest relationship one could ever imagine. Maybe because they are still newly weds and the magic has not yet faded. But if you truly love each other,does the magic ever fade? My husband has never ever given me a gift. We never go out in our wedding anniversary.We never tell each other " I love you". We never kiss in the mornings. We never text each other sweet nothings.We never had a date.We never watch movie together with just the two of us. We simply don't do things together anymore. It started 4 years after the marriage. I know somehow along the way we lost it. The books say I have to give in order to receive. I have to make him feel i love him for him to respond. but my pride won't allow me. Now, we are seeing the ugly sides of each other. how to revive something wonderful before? How to make the magic work again? Please me your thoughts about this matter. i would really appreciate it.
4 people like this
19 responses
@rg0205 (2638)
• Hong Kong
6 Sep 09
Don't let pride get in the way of you and your husband. As the years progress, some couples may need to find new ways to rekindle their romance or to keep things interesting. Try starting with something you both like. Counseling is always a good idea to open the line of communication. Clearly, you had some break down somewhere, both of you. If you both could talk about why things became that way it would be a place to start as well because I dont think you can say I love you and everything will fall back to place. Things changed because something happened. Clearly, you still love him because if you didn't, you wouldn't try and you wouldn't be here asking. I think to start, you need to find out where you both started to "drift" and then when you identify your issues, you can work towards making things better together.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Sep 09
Thanks, rgo! I sure do have a lot of thinking and acting to do if i want this marriage to work and last. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@rg0205 (2638)
• Hong Kong
7 Sep 09
You are most welcome. I wish you all the best.
@Edenleng (21)
• China
6 Sep 09
A happy marriage is worht of putting aside one's pride temporarily, I think. I'm a six-year-old boy's mother. And my husband still kisses me when he is awake in the midnight occasionally. We do quarrel sometimes. But both of us don't fear to show our love of the other. I think that's the key. So try to find wonderful things in him again by memorizing those days when you were crazily loving. Tell him "I love you". What make you fall in love with him? Open your minds and heart to him, you'll get his response. Looking forward to your good news.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
Hi Edenleng! Thank you very much. I do really envy happy couples like you. I guess i haven't exerted extra effort to make my marriage work. Hope one day I can PM you and say "I did it!" " I made things right and exciting again!" Wouldn't it be wonderful to love and be loved in return.
1 person likes this
• China
6 Sep 09
You're quite welcome. Never give up before trying your best. Happy to see my words may help you.
@shimanaja (495)
• Indonesia
7 Sep 09
Hi ash, you know what the same situation you and me. But i'm sure without all 'things' my husband still love me like the first time, even more love to me cause we have 2 gorgeous kids and now will be the third. Honestly, i need that 'magic word' such i love you or i need to go out to romantic place to celebrate our anniversary, but i think we are too busy with our kids, and still hard to finance our life. The most important we have that strong love to each other and trust until the rest of time..:) Love just you know yourself, in deep in your heart, so i guess your hubb is the same. Cheer and good luck my friend :)
1 person likes this
• Philippines
12 Sep 09
Hi! We have 2 gorgeous kids too. But at this point I don't think they're enough reason to hang on to. good for you because you are very sure that your husband still loves you very much. I'm not sure about my husband. Life is so difficult right now. I'm just so happy I found mylot. at least I have some place to pour out my pain. Thank you so much for your assurance and for taking time to post your comment. I do really appreciate it.
• India
7 Sep 09
Hi Ashbelx, Please don't be comparative between your family and your sister's family. But when your asking this question itself i can just really imagine how much you love your husband and how much you are really keen to get that love back. You have all the stuff in you and its very interesting that you are asking question to yourself and others too. So come on. you know how much you love your husband AND WHY TO STAY QUIET. Express your love towards him and am damn sure you'll get back bigger than that. Last but not least I would like to comment on one sentence which you have mentioned in third last line i.e,.. " The books say I have to give in order to receive" I don't think this is 100% true. it may be semi true or semi false.Because love is not a business to give and take. It is a kind of feeling towards one which you can only express before them. Not a give and take policy.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Sep 09
ashbelx hi Remember the old saw pride goes before a fall,so you 'waited and waited because of your p ride and maybe he is doing'the same. someone has to say hey I love you do you loveme,then talk'work it outl if he has fallen out of love then you must work a bit harder bu t some times it happens andyou hAve to decide to find a man who will be there for you all the time not just when its convenient.You have to talk to him like you are talking to u s, and find out what is the problem. swallow your pride and reach out. ask him if there is another woman.get things out in the clear.you c annot go on like roommates forever something has to give.maybe the first glow fades but a real relationship develops and you are always there for each other.we all have ugly sides but also sweet sides you make an effort and see if he will .then after aLl this go see a marriage counselor s maybe you can save this marriage. tell him you love him it cannot hurt
1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3505)
• United States
6 Sep 09
Although you may feel that your husband doesn't love you any more, he probably still does. Showing love to one another goes both ways. Maybe you should start things off and show him you love him in your own special way. Even a simple I love you and send him sweet nothings through text messages. Plan things even if you don't go out, plan small little romantic dinners. I do that for my husband and we have loads of fun even if we don't go out. My friend and her husband are always going out and doing stuff, but you know it saves a lot of money when you do things from home, have romantic dinners, watching movies and so on. So how about you start it off with all the sweet stuff and see if he follows your lead and maybe he'll start doing sweet stuff. Hey its worth the shot. Just because he doesn't do certain things that your sister's husband does doesn't mean he doesn't love you and yes sometimes the things we used to when we were at the start of the relationship does fade away after awhile, but its up to you to keep it burning. I hope you give this a try. Good luck.
@earthsong (589)
• United States
6 Sep 09
How long have you two been together? You say you guys have never done those types of things? If you haven't I wouldn't say you've lost anything, I'd say you went into a relationship that you have discovered isn't fulfilling to you. You can't base your relationship on someone elses. Have you ever expressed your interest to your husband that you want to go on dates and having him send you little messages through the day? I don't know if I understand why you would marry someone who has never told you he loves you... Honestly, I think you might want to sit down and totally reflect on the relationship and be sure its what you want for the rest of your life. What does he do for you? What do you do for him? One thing I know for sure is you can't make all the changes, do all the "fixing" and be the only one giving.
• Philippines
7 Sep 09
Hello earthsong! We've been together for almost 8 years now. Things started to just drift away after 4 or 5 years. i don't know how it happened. We were sweet when we started. Now it seems like we couldn't stand being together for 5 minutes. We talked about this a few times and made some agreements. but then after a while were back to being what we are right now. I have to do something, yes. Thank you for your comment. It means so much to me.
• United States
7 Sep 09
That's the problem when you finally acknowledge a problem. Usually things change for a little while and then you go back to the easy way. Unfortunately, its easy to sit back and let things slide, but it ends up taking its toll after a while. I had a friend who complained about something similar a few years back, her hubby would get home, sit on the couch and end up falling asleep there, didn't pay much attention to her and then end up mad at her when she didn't want to be intimate with him. Last I heard they split up, and s lot of marriages do because they are really a lot of work. It sounds like at this point you still care about your hubby and your marriage, hopefully things end up working out for you!
@flzmlady (419)
• China
6 Sep 09
i dont think he lose his love for you, i just think you have lost the romance which sticks you two together. but you can try to mention this to him and he will not chill you off your romantic ideas. and you dont have to be ,well, a little jealous about the sweetest relationship between your sister and her husband becoz they've just married ten month ago and that the romance still exists is very normal and common. maybe you two can try to recover your romance and let it burn as a fire!
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
Hi! I guess you're right. I need a lot of thinking to do. Things won't change if I don't make an effort for it to change. Thank you very much for your advice. You guys are really a big help. I just hope I found mylot earlier.
@flzmlady (419)
• China
6 Sep 09
you are welcome, may you and your husband gain great happiness.
@iamsolucky (1243)
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
Hi there and smile. I just got married too, and yes we are so in love and very sweet. Some people say that the sweetness will fade after 1 or 2 years especially when both are busy doing their own jobs and managing the kids. Its give and take. You must remember that the feeling of newness in the relationship fades but you love is not. So when you still love your hubby, you make ways on how to show him. Tell him you love him and forget the pride. And if he loves you too, he wont ignore you. He will try to do his best to accept your love and start it all over again. Now if you reading my reply, start thinking of the things that your hubby likes. Start by thinking of your wedding day, your lovely picture together, display your wedding pictures near your bed. Be beautiful and attractive. Cook dinner for the family, plan a picnic. I wish you all the best. happy mylotting and smile always!
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
hello iamsolucky! Thanks a lot for the wonderful words of advice. I know somehow I was to blame for letting things fall apart between me and my husband. I can promise to at least try what you have told me to do. When, I can't tell yet. I have so many unresolved that they just simply changed me into this ugly person. I've let the negatives cloud my better judgment. Thank you very much. You're right, i have to swallow this pride. I'll try it, I promise. If ever I can change things between me and my hubby, I hope I can PM you and say "thank you".
1 person likes this
@lsslcg (49)
• China
7 Sep 09
When you feel the risk of marriage, you should tell your husband the feeling. I know you still love your honey very much, you just don't feel the love for him. Show him how you love him!!! Don't put everything in your own heart. Wish everything is ok!
1 person likes this
• Nigeria
9 Sep 09
Well, is your husband. May be his time. Thing will change for better soon for you. If he dont like you, Your four years with him would have been 1 month. I believe he love you. And is better you tell him what you like. You can also request him out.
• Philippines
12 Sep 09
Thank you. Right now I'm not so sure about that. I'm still open for reconciliation but I don't know until when.
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
9 Sep 09
Some men are just not demonstrative. I married one. Had I met his parents before we married, I would have had a better idea of what our marriage would be like. Absolutely no show of affection in public and after certain years, none in private, either. However, he has been a good provider to the best of his ability. We have a comfortable relationship. There is mutual trust and affection without outward show of affection. I've become accustom to the way things are and suspect that I 'd be as uncomfortable as he if anything were to change. If you don't think that you can comfortably live the rest of y our life in this manner, then you have to put your pride aside and do something about it. I'm not suggesting that you leave, but you need to tell your husband in a nonthreatening manner how you feel. Maybe some marriage counseling is in order.
• Philippines
12 Sep 09
Hi! I think it's been five days since i opened up this topic here in mylot.. I tried, i really did. You guys here in mylot are absolutely fantastically helpful. But it's just so difficult. I feel so helpless. I don't know. maybe we have finally lost that old feeling.he said this is who he is so I have to accept him. What if i can't? I really want something different. something lively.I can't live a married life tied to a quiet, insensitive, unromantic husband. I mean, life is truly dull here. My mother is a church pastor and it is something to consider when i think about separation. we have talked this over with her but still we're stuck on this situation. I don't know, i just don't. Thanks anyway for your words. Thank you.
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Sep 09
You are young and all is not lost still. You have to understand , first of all that men and women are made in different ways irrespective of whether they are newly weds or oldies like us[mine is 31 years of marriage ]We women would tend to have a more complicated thinking and greater insecurity than men.THat is the basic premise on which you have to work on.You will have to give a lot to get some.Tone down your expectations,learn to look at all the positive qualities that he has and mentallly harp only on those positive points to the exclusion of his negative aspects. We also do have our negative points .THey would only be different.Cast aside all expectations and take things easy.You would find that life becomes simpler.'THat is the way it would be;there is no point expecting"--if you proceed with this thought then whatever small gesture comes your way would make you be on cloud nine.It is after all a mind set." 'Nothing is good or bad but thinking ,makes it so' One important thing is that you must NEVER EVER look at other couples and think that they are better off because they make more romantic little gestures towards each other.I am sure you would have your own happiness together.Everything lies in the joy you find in your togetherness.Unless he is a brute and physically and mentally torments you do not give weight to small idiosyncracies.If we try and be happpy with what we have got , many of the small issues would vanish ;otherwise we would make mountains of molehills and make ourselves miserable in t he process.Be happy and God bless you!
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Sep 09
Once you get your mind ready it would not be easy to chalk out your own path and decide your future course of action.Go with an open mind, talk to him openlly and say that you would make efforts to get things right and take it thereon.If eh still refuses then you can think of the next course of action.For now, just eb positive and proceed.Good luck!
• India
6 Sep 09
Speech Must Be Very Vocal In A Relationship - Talk More and More ..
You Should Talk A Lot .. I Know It Takes time .. But i think 3 years is more than Enough to Know a Man .. Ask Him What he Likes about you, What he doesn't approve of .. Don't Be shy, some Men Like Me Don't like Shy Women .. Be More vocal .. I Feel the Key to Success is Speech .. Talk Everything Will be Fine .. All The Best ..
• Philippines
7 Sep 09
hello! It's so nice to hear from a guy's point of view. True, we need to talk things out. The problem is my husband's the quite type. when when have a talk, i just do all the talking and he does all the nodding. It can be very frustrating, you know. many times i tried to open up the issue between us, but he just listens- agree-disagree- then done.After some time, we're back to where we are right now. Also, i don't want to tell him what I would like him to do for me ( like give flowers, eat out together,etc) because he would be doing that coz i told him to do so. That won't be so nice.Grrrr. so totally frustrating. But i'll try. Maybe i can still give it one more shot. Thanks a lot.so nice to hear from you.
@silverglint (2001)
• Philippines
21 Oct 09
If you really want your relationship to work then you have to let go of your pride and be the one to initiate the change. No one else is going to do it for you. Unless you do not start to forgive him to all the things he has done to hurt you, big or small, then you will have a hard time to express your love to him. The question is not just whether your husband loves you or not, do you still love your husband? Make that effort to see the positive side of your husband. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? what do you love about him and his ways? Focus on the positive and not on what he doesn't have. I am not saying that it will be easy nor can I guarantee that there will be immediate results, he may even reject your loving actions towards him, you will have to be ready for that. That is what unconditional love is about, to love even if you are not loved back... not yet at least. Eventually, wounds will heal and love will be renewed. Don't you think that is worth giving up your pride?
• India
21 Oct 09
I think first both of you should discuss about it on one fine day why it is going on like this.if you first analyse the reasons then it will be easier for both of you to decide what steps to be taken to make your life very clourful like before.I think he is thinking that you are not showing interest in him and may be i think you are also thinking that he is not showing interest in you.i think these are all just a little misunderstandings between both of you.i think you can solve this problem by having discussion with your husband.i think it is the best solution.
@AKMEDIA2 (328)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Some men are a lot less expressive than others. It's hard for them to think about those things after awhile I guess. I get depressed when I feel this way too. I just have to believe in our love and him.
• China
7 Sep 09
I think you should talk to your husband very ofen and tell what you think,it is the best way to back into love~ Good luck with you!
@xannebull (1806)
• Philippines
6 Sep 09
your husband still loves you, i think it's because you are already too familiar with each other that your treatment is just like brother or sister anymore.. but if you want to be more romantic, do the first move. it's very important to be passionate and be sweet with your partner to make the chemistry sparks again.. caress him and tell him you love him and i know he will too.
@cupkitties (7159)
• United States
6 Sep 09
You stop expecting it to work by it self and make it happen. Get your husband and talk to him. Plan a date night. It could be every Friday for example. You never kiss in the mornings. Well tomorrow morning when you wake up grab the man and kiss him. Don't expect him to always make the first move. Take some charge. The biggest key here is COMMUNICATE. But both of you need to be willing to work on this. If only one of you is making an effort then I would have to say that the other one of you really doesn't care.