double standards
By SuzyLong
@SuzyLong (775)
October 9, 2009 3:41pm CST
My fiancee just had a go at me because I wanted a little portion of salt and pepper chicken wings from the chinese take-away saying I'm already too fat. Yet he's the one getting noodles when he finishes work and went out with his mates the other night drinking. There are far more calories in the god knows how many pints of beer he had compared to the few bits of chicken I wanted yet I'm the fat one! If that's not double standards then I don't know what is. Does anyone else have this problem??
6 people like this
11 responses
@marguicha (215708)
• Chile
9 Oct 09
I would not accept, and have never accepted that anybody, least of all my man, treats me without respect. I don´t think any man should EVER tell his woman that she is fat, even if she is the fat lady of the circus. I imagine he liked that kind of person. If he wanted them skinny, he should have gone to a hospital for anorexics.
It´s worse that having a double standard: it´s not having the least idea how to treat a woman. And you either teach him now or you´ll have problems in the future.
Years ago, I was well over 40, I was standing naked in front of the big mirror in the closet´s door. I had a pimple or something like that in my back and was making all sorts of contorsions to see it. I was fat and middle aged. The posture wasn´t becoming either. My hubby was watching TV, or so I thought. Suddenly I heard an admiring voice: There´s a naked woman in my bedroom!!! Immediatly I tucked my belly in (as much as I could), squared my shoulders and marveled at having a husband that after maybe 30 years of marriage could still flatter me that way. Now THAT´S a man!!!
Have a nice day and know that you are beautiful!
It´s worse that having a double standard: it´s not having the least idea how to treat a woman. And you either teach him now or you´ll have problems in the future.
Years ago, I was well over 40, I was standing naked in front of the big mirror in the closet´s door. I had a pimple or something like that in my back and was making all sorts of contorsions to see it. I was fat and middle aged. The posture wasn´t becoming either. My hubby was watching TV, or so I thought. Suddenly I heard an admiring voice: There´s a naked woman in my bedroom!!! Immediatly I tucked my belly in (as much as I could), squared my shoulders and marveled at having a husband that after maybe 30 years of marriage could still flatter me that way. Now THAT´S a man!!!
Have a nice day and know that you are beautiful!3 people like this
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
10 Oct 09
Don't worry he will get his. His metabolism will eventually slow down and he will not be able to eat and drink the way he does now with out gaining weight. My husband used to say stuff to me all the time. I was 108 pounds when I met him and he would watch everything I ate, drove me nuts. When I weighted 119 pounds he would tell me I was getting fat even though I wore a size 3 and was actually pretty muscular, now I wish I weighed a 119 pounds. My husband rarely says anything to me any more, but he is putting on weight himself so he does not have room to talk. I think my husband's watching my food intake had a lot to do with me gaining weight. Before I started dating him junk food was something I only had every so often and was not big deal to me, but he made every bad thing I ate seem like a bad idea so I started sneak eating bad stuff. I think the sneaking got out of hand because he made me deprived of it, before it was not a big deal, but once I felt deprived of it, it became a challenge to get it when ever I could.
2 people like this
@kykidd (6812)
• United States
9 Oct 09
It doesn't sound like he is very much of a gentleman. I don't think that I would appreciate someone talking to me this way. And if he is really worried about your weight, for health reasons perhaps, then he should go about mentioning it in a totally different way.
I think that if he were to say something like, let's start walking to get more cardiovascular exercise so that we don't have to worry about having a heart attack, then that would be a little bit nicer. LOL
But, to be completely honest, I have been around men who talk this way to their wives or girlfriends, and I think it is completely rude. I hope he will take a step back and realize what he has said. Then maybe he will be apologetic. Good luck to you and your fiancee!
2 people like this
@SuzyLong (775)
•
10 Oct 09
what makes it worse is that after I walked out on him (after his comment) he came home with noodles for me! I told him he shouldn't have because I had my dinner cooking in the oven. He asked where his was and I saw he had noodle. Like I was going to cook for him after that!!
1 person likes this
@maezee (41997)
• United States
10 Oct 09
I've never had this problem but I can understand why you might be upset. It most certainly IS a double standard, that's for sure! And you should point that out to him. First of all, the person you're seeing should NEVER say something like that to you! That's totally rude, disrespectful, and controlling, not to mention probably untrue. Even if it were true, though, that you are "too fat", it shouldn't even matter. Love is blind, and he should encourage you to be happy and healthy, not to fit some mistaken ideal that he has for you. If I were you, I wouldn't take that crap! I would have a go at him, as well, and point out the fact that he is doing the exact same thing as you. You should be able to freely eat around your fiancee without having to worry about him judging you.
2 people like this
@SuzyLong (775)
•
10 Oct 09
He's been doing it a lot since he weighed himself the other week and found that he's put weight on instead of losing it. I was very supportive of him and said not to worry, we'll go walking more and do a few extra fitness routines on my wii but he's started having a go at me now.
1 person likes this
@vikkiz (518)
•
9 Oct 09
OMG!!!! i would have slapped him too! he has no right to say that to you wether he is fat himself or the skinniest man in the world!!!! Has he no respect for you??? I think you need to have a word with your man because if he loved you and had respect for you he wouldnt comment on what you were eating and rather you were happy!
@SuzyLong (775)
•
10 Oct 09
He keeps doing it lately, we are both trying to lose weight and I am trying really hard because i find it hard to lose weight. I've been really good for about 2 weeks and just wanted a one off treat as I've lost 9lbs now. He knows that on saturdays, I do my fitness routine for most of the day on my wii so I would of worked off the chicken.
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
10 Oct 09
If that was ever pulled on me, I would handle it the same way I handled the statement the last time. My ex fiance had the guts to say that I couldn't have something because I was too fat. It was cake that I wanted a small slice of. He was sitting there with his cake, ice cream and a huge glass of soda (non diet). He ended up with cake and ice cream in his lap and soda over his head. Oh, and his engagement ring buried in the mess somewhere. We were in a restaurant and I simply walked out. The women applauded me as I left in a huff. Needless to say I didn't take the egotistical twit back either. Besides the fact that it felt so good to moosh all of that in his lap and over his head.
I knew the waitress and she told me later that she had the hardest time helping him to clean up. She couldn't look at him without laughing...then when he finally got up to leave it looked like he peed his favorite pair of pants. You just don't do that kind of thing to me.
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
2 Mar 10
NO one has the right to tell you that you are too fat. I don't even take that off a doctor. The last one who told me I was fat and needed to go on a diet got told off big time and I found another doctor!!
I hate to say this, but if your fiancee is starting with the you're getting fat or the you're too fat crap already it isn't going to get any better after you're married. If you do marry him and he starts that crap, have plenty of ice cream and soda on hand...
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
10 Oct 09
I would have a serious talk to that man of yours! My husband knows better than to mention the fact that I may be too fat! I used to date a man many years ago who was always critical of my appearance and used to make me feel quite bad about myself. Thankfully I woke up to myself and got out of that one. My current partner may have thoughts about my appearance but is wise enough not to say anything unless it is absolutely necessary
1 person likes this
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
10 Oct 09
I don't call this the double standard. I call it cruel, controlling and dominating. I really enjoyed looking at your pictures in your profile. It was there that I saw that your fiancee couldn't be bothered to go to France with you? Who would turn down an opportunity like that? I wouldn't be surprised after you got married if you found yourself forbidden to go visit your mom.
If he doesn't love you for who you are, if he doesn't honor and respect you now, it's not likely he'll do it after you get married. You sound like a wonderful person, and you don't know me from Adam. But please, spend some time rethinking whether you want to marry this man. There is some one out there who will love and treasure you...he doesn't sound like it. Sorry I'm so negative...but I've been there and done that. It's easy to get into and hard to get out of.
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
10 Oct 09
I don't think it's obtuse at all. If Suzy felt good about how he spoke to her, she would not have started a discussion about it. She also has to think about him refusing to go to France with her to visit her mom, even though she asked him to. Whether she chooses to stay this him or look for some one more compatible, the way he's treating her is wrong. If you don't think that calling some one you love fat just because they're hungry is cruel...then you and I just have a different opinion of what cruel is, and what something like that does to some one's self image. You are correct in that we are made to mate, but we should be hurt to accomplish that.
@tangler330 (22)
• United States
10 Oct 09
I agree that we shouldnt have to hurt to get what we want. But on the flip-side, if I would have never been hurt by others in the past I wouldnt be where I am now with my fiancee. This is not to say that my relationship doesnt have problems. EVERY relationship will have difficult times. But its the ability and will to try every day to compromise. Sometimes my love and I compromise quite well, other times, we are steadfast and will not budge on our opinions. Thats ok because we are individuals above all else. The problem that was originally stated in this post is one that appears to me can be remedied through healthy communication and a desire to meet in the middle. Now if the problem were something like infidelity or physical abuse, then my opinion would be much different. Its hard to draw the line on "mental abuse" but before someone plays that card, I would not classify a comment about being chunky as being comparable to being called names and being told that your worthless everyday. I just think that the problem can be fixed. However I do not know the whole story and can only make assumptions based on the information provided. Any problem that a couple faces needs to be tackled by the couple. Thats the bottom line here. So to the original poster, I extend my best wishes and hope that the lines of communication are still open and you are able to live happily with your fiance!
@tangler330 (22)
• United States
10 Oct 09
To call it cruel is kind of obtuse. After all, no one heard his side of the story. Lets not forget that we are here to try to help this woman make the relationship better with the one that she loves. If she wants to be with this man, a post on myLot is not going to change her mind. Instead, I think that we should try to be helpful and anything that happens beyond that is at her own discretion. I understand from your response that you have had some bad experiences with relationships and I get that. One can never be too cautious when choosing someone to supposedly spend the rest of their life with. But we are made to have a mate! Love and relationships are not bad things and should be cherished for their lessons that they teach us. I am by no means trying to belittle your opinion, I would just like to throw this up here so people can see both sides of the point.
1 person likes this
@AngryKittyMSV (4317)
• United States
10 Oct 09
Your fiance sounds like an abusive jerk. I hope you take some time to re-evaluate if you really want to spend the rest of your life with such a creep before you go and marry him. If it were my man, I'd hurt him and then dump him for good and save my energy for a GOOD guy who will like me just as I am.
1 person likes this
@jerimiyah (232)
• Philippines
10 Oct 09
No, but that is an aweful thing to say to someone whether they are the fiance or not. The real issue he must be be disturb because you are not satisfying his optical area. I dont like that in a guy. i mean its ok to care about our health and what we look like but having that kind of attitude is just immature and stupid. He wants you to diet because your a woman but he stay as it is because his a man and is superior? talk about double standards ha!
1 person likes this
