Move or stay? What should I do? :(

United States
October 12, 2009 3:09pm CST
I live in Alabama, and I recently got engaged. My fiance is from New York. All my family lives here in Alabama, and all of his family besides his mom live in New York. We got a call yesterday and his mom told us that she is moving back to New York, too. She wants him to go with her, and now he's asking me if I will move to New York. I would love to move away and start over somewhere new, but I don't know if I could leave my family, you know? I need some advice please, I don't know what I should do. Thank You !
5 people like this
19 responses
12 Oct 09
Hey Jessica, I think you should make a list of pros and cons about moving and staying and see which turns out to be more positive for you. Maybe you can tell your fiance how you feel and see if he could move to alabama instead. Or you two can compromise and move somewhere that's in between both families.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 09
Thank you, Michael. My fiance knows how I feel about it and he says the decision is completely up to me. Thank you for your post!
1 person likes this
12 Oct 09
glad to hear that! Thanks for adding me :)
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 09
Thank you very much! And you're welcome. Always looking for new friends on here. :)
1 person likes this
@nagikka (411)
• Italy
12 Oct 09
Dear Jessica, that's a decision that's entirely up to you and we can't do much about it :) I don't know how you feel about your family, could you go months without even seeing them ? because, for instance, I could never live like that especially knowing that my parents get old and could need my help. They've always been by my side, ALWAYS, and I could never pack my things and move away BUT this is just the way I feel. I suggest that you think twice about your decision, consider that: - you'll be far away from your parents - you will have to make new friends - you'll have to get a new job Like you said, you'll have to start all over, which can be stressing in the end. It's all up on you and how strong you can be :) whatever your decision might be, I wish you the best of luck.
• United States
12 Oct 09
Thank you :) Great advice! That's what I told my fiance, I was like, "My grandparents are getting old and what if something happens and I'm all the way up in New York?!" I would be a mess. Getting a job would be the hardest part these days, especially in the part of New York they live. Huntsville Alabama is rated number one to survive the economy, so I'm thinking stay here is way smarter. :D
1 person likes this
@srganesh (6349)
• India
13 Oct 09
Is it easy to break the engagement and will it not be a problem for her in the future?How can she remain with her family,if she is going to get married?I think,she can move to Newyork and can come back whenever she wishes to meet her family members.That will be a good advise.Cheers!
• United States
13 Oct 09
Thanks for your comment! Moving up to New York and coming back to visit when I need to would definitely work out.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 09
I really didn't read all of the responses that you received, but it is my opinion that you two have to talk about this in it's entirety and come to a mutual decision that will make both of you happy. In a relationship many people make sacrifices, but are very unhappy. If a sacrifice is made between you and your fiance, please make sure the both of you are very happy, because this is where it all comes down to, happiness together, forever.
• United States
13 Oct 09
Thank you for your advice, freewriter. Happiness is definitely the key to a long, successful marriage. That is my number one goal in life- to be happy. I'm sure my fiance and I will come to a mutual decision and be happy wherever that may be. :)
@bounce58 (17526)
• Canada
12 Oct 09
Hello JessicaSearcy! My advice is to go to NY. I know it is going to be hard, but I feel that is just part of growing up. This way you expand your horizon and open yourself up to more possibilities in life. Also, being away will make your visits to your family all the more special. One last thing, its NY! If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere...
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 09
Thank you so much for your comment! :) I know, the sound of moving to NY sounds so great doesn't it?! I really would love to move away and start my life with my fiance and open up to many more possibilities. I know it will take effort to get to where I want, but I think I'd be happy. :)
@TrvlArrngr (4058)
• United States
12 Oct 09
It depends where in NY and will you have a job that you can transfer to?
• United States
12 Oct 09
His sister in law has a job for me if I move up there, but I haven't decided if I want to or not.
1 person likes this
@dlr297 (5415)
• United States
12 Oct 09
I lived in ohio all my life, and my husband always wanted to move back to tennessee where he was born. and six years ago we did. Most of our family is in ohio our kids, most of my brothers My Mom. He has 2 sisters and his parents live with in a hour of where we live now. Even though i only get to see my family two or three times a year, and i miss terribly not seeing my grandkids. I am happy with the move that we made. I love it here in Tennessee, and i am hoping that the kids will eventually all move here someday. 1 already has. If anything ever happens where i need to be with my mom im only 9 hours away, and can go to be their anytime that im needed.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 09
Ah, one comment that gives me hope it will be okay. :) That's exactly what my fiance told me, "You know if something happened in Alabama, we'd be there in a heart beat." I have no worries I could get here if something happened, it would just kill me if something did happen and I wasn't around. I guess you have to grow up sometime. :) I think a move would be a good change for me, but who knows? Thanks for your comment!
1 person likes this
@Tom728 (176)
• United States
12 Oct 09
Just stay. Family is more important that should be why you are getting married.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 09
Thank you, Tom. I appreciate your advice. :)
1 person likes this
@nautilus33 (1831)
13 Oct 09
You have to make this decision by your own! The people can tell you something, but that's what I think- we must make such kind of decisions by our own!!!
1 person likes this
@srganesh (6349)
• India
13 Oct 09
JessicaSearcy!Didn't you think of this complications before getting engaged?What if,it it happened that you have to move after the marriage?Don't get confused with this.If he is a good guy and you can get assured that you can come back to your native place whenever you wish,you can go ahead to marry him.Cheers!
1 person likes this
@amybrezik (2123)
• United States
14 Oct 09
I think this is a decision that only you can make, and I hard one. I would say that you should listen t your heart and try to do what is best for you. Maybe wegh outte pros and cons of each side. Put a lot of thought into it, but also remember that we have so much technology it wont be hard to stay intouch with your family or for there to be visits. good luck with your decision!
@fifileigh (3619)
• United States
14 Oct 09
maybe u and ur fiance can move somewhere in between alabama and ny so that u r halfways the trip to alabama and halfways the trip to ny. and u can still visit both, whether driving, taking the bus or train. say around north carolina. but it is really between u and him only, regardless of what ur parents want u both to do. u r going to start a new life together, and u both should talk it out and decide where u both want to start ur life together, alabama, ny, or another state.
@KrauseHome (35326)
• United States
14 Oct 09
Personally I think this is truly a situation that you need to think about and decide what is Best for you and your future husband as well. Maybe you need to voice some of your concerns, and his as well and decide what is really Best. I would say if you are a Prayer believing person prayer would help to decide what is Best as well, but personally it sounds like this is a decision you need to decide on what is Best for you and your future for sure. Wishing you the Best whatever you decide.
@jashoaf (298)
• United States
13 Oct 09
You have gotten a lot of good advice already. I would only add a couple thoughts. Seriously analyze your relationship with your fiance. If it's a true melding of souls you will never get over losing him. He should be the first and foremost importance. Where he goes, you go. He should also feel the same way about you, so discuss it with him. If he is putting more importance on his family than you and yours, he is not ready for marriage. Problem solved, at least for now. Once you two are working off the same heart, you can find a compromise that will work. Choose a location in between, maybe, or closer to the family who will need your help more. Evidently his job is not a catalyst, so if he can find work in New York he can find it anywhere. What about you? If you believe in God, then spend time praying for a wise answer. God will show you where He wants you, and make sure you succeed if you follow Him.
@JamesKYTan (1607)
• Malaysia
13 Oct 09
Jessica, You are only engaged, not married. Why should you follow him? Neither can you expect him to stay with you in Alabama. You have your family in Alabama and he has his family in New York, so it is fair for both to stay where you are now. It a test of love to temporary separate both of you. If that temporary separation causes one of you to be unfaithful, then it is better than discover later after marriage.If both of you are married, then you have to follow your husband to New York and get a new job and make new friends. Think carefully. The decision is yours.
@Bluepatch (2480)
• Trinidad And Tobago
13 Oct 09
Usually a wife follows her husband. In any case try to think of life in a new place as a chance to start over and do things better. Its always hard to leave the place you're accustomed to but that can be the real problem. The fact that you're so accustomed. If you have a good relationship with your beau this can be a move for the better. Think about it that way.
• United States
13 Oct 09
I think that you should follow your heart on this one. Your family is just that your family. THey will always be there for you no matter what and want you to be happy. When I moved away from home to be with my fiance, I talked it over with my parents and grandparents and they said that they thought that I should go. My parents said they raised e to be independent and have given me the tools that I need to be successful in life. They wanted me to make my own path. I think that If you have the opportunity to move to New York and if you have a job set up then you should seriously consider taking it. Also, talk with your fiance, is " because his mom wants him too" the only reason that he is considering moving up there? If so then I would take a step back, because you dont want to be following his mother around for the better part of your married life. However if he has a job and a stable life in New York already set up then go. You family will always be there and you can go and visit as much as you can financially afford, your parents raised you with the knowledge that you would one day leave the nest. If this is all on the up and up and you really and truly love this man and know that in 50 years you will love hiom more than you do right now, then go and have a good life. You deserve that. Besides, I dont know if you have ever been, but its AWESOME!!!!! I loved being there!!!!!! Its a dangerous city, yes but as long as you keep your nose clean and be aware of your surroundings you should be okay. I mean its a big place and quite a culture shock from the south but its full of vibrant life styles culture and all sorts of cool stuff. Its a great place to be and I plan on moving back there myself one day. Anyway hope this helps and everything goes well for you.
@fergus (819)
• Ireland
13 Oct 09
Hi jessica, This is a big choice to make you got to follow your heart if you realy love him and wan,t to be with him your family will understand they know, you will always be there for them look on the bright side they can always come and visit. But the choice is up to you your going to have to make the choice not us all the best and i best of luck.
@sallysue (326)
• Canada
13 Oct 09
Hi Jessica: Only you can answer that question. Why don't the two of you move somewhere in the middle. That way your within commuting distance to both families, but you'll have a life of your own. If your just starting out in life with him if there's an overload of his family on one side, and all of your family live miles away that really isn't fair to you. That can really lead to bitterness and unhappiness for you. If you move in the middle than your far enough from both sides to start your own life together. If he moves because his mother moves guess who might be the controlling force in your new family down the road. That really isn't going to be fair to either one of you starting your new relationship together. The best of everything for your future.
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
13 Oct 09
JessicaSearcy, I see that you will eventually move to New York to start a new life with your fiance and that the problem with your family in Alabama being resolved with a mutual agreement that you will be able to travel without a blink of an eye. However, I hope that the both of you will give due considerations to the current economic situation and not be caught out without a job in New York. Especially, when the both of you are gainfully employed and getting a job is really a challenge or rather a daunting task today. Try and work out a plan where the well being of the both of you will not be affected. This situation is really not improving soon especially when your country is going to have to find solutions to come up will 700 million jobs. So, quitting your current job without a certainty at the other end is just unwise and should not be considered for the moment. Take care.