Why do I do this?

United States
December 13, 2009 12:32am CST
So, I didn't really know where to put this but, here goes. I don't like myself. Many aspects. I'm fat, I can be horribly mean, I sometimes throw fits, I take things the wrong way often, I can be selfish, I hate the way I look, I over-react to a lot, and I'm a very anxious person [I tend to stress out at small things]. I often look at myself with self-hate, but it was bad tonight. My boyfriend showed me a picture of a girl who looked similar to me, only she was beautiful and skinnier, which I long to be both. He said "Look, it's you but a skinnier version!" I got offended, and refused to admit that she looked anything like me, and quickly closed the tab [he showed me on my computer]. He got mad and left after I told him it somewhat offended me. We aren't really talking much right now, and though he seems to be over it, I am not. I DO NOT like who I am. Worst of all I don't know why I act the way I do. Why can't I motivate myself to lose weight and be the skinnier girl I want to be? Why do I take things so personally? And for god sakes, why am I so mean most of the time? My boyfriend openly expresses to me that he's only still with me because when we first were dating I was his dream girl [personality wise] and he hopes there is still some of that girl left in me. I WANT to be the way I was, only more confident and open. But I can't seem to grasp what I need to to be able to change to a better person. I know this is probably far-fetched, but does anyone have any advice? Ways I can motivate myself, manage my frustration and anger, or help me to take things lightly instead of having everything hit too close to home? I appreciate all comments, and if you read through this whole thing, I'm impressed.
3 people like this
17 responses
@fifileigh (3621)
• United States
15 Dec 09
just do some yoga on a daily basis and relax. accept yourself whatever size you are. and if ur size really bothers you, do something about it. eat healthier and work out until you get to ur desired size. try new things to yourself everyday to feel better about yourself. get a new haircut. wear makeup. get a new outfit, perfume, or new shoes once in a while. i dont think ur weight bothers ur boyfriend or he wouldnt be with your right now. he liked u the way u were to begin with. accept it, be happy or u might lose him if u take things to personally.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 09
He's been with me for over 3 years, and told me last night he wouldn't leave me for trying to find who I really am. So I' not worried about that. Yoga sounds like a good idea. I've never tried it before, but I've been interested. Does it really help relax you?
• Philippines
26 Dec 09
I think that you should focus on your positive aspects,rather than the negative ones.it is much better of you focus on being optimistic.when you focus on your negative self,it will weigh you down more.it helps boost your self-esteem.so what if you aren't as skinny as her?on the weight-loss side,find a physical activity you love.if you love walking or dancing,then do it.an activity you love doesn't feel like exercise.
1 person likes this
15 Dec 09
Hi! Being fat is not big deal now. Know what i had a bestfriend she is fat but she accept who really she is. When some of my friends even my family saw here they always said give some fat to her (to me) because she's skinny. You look like 10 when your together.. I also bully here but its okay with here because shes happy what really she is. I just want to saw her reaction that's why I'm doing it.. Heheh Im bad.. And know what? Her boyfriend dying on her, crazy with her.. Just love yourself and accept everything .. Always uplift yourself so what if your heavier than other? Most Important is the character..When you love yourself everybody will love you.. Try to appreciate yourself.. If you hate yourself you wont see and appreciate all the people appreciating you and loves you..so cheer up! smile
1 person likes this
@Bradpete (822)
• Philippines
14 Dec 09
Some people are not satisfied for their appearances and they are sad but others are happy for what they are and use their talents and ability to overcome their infirmities in life. The imperfection is 99.9% even 99.9% beauty or handsome faces has a problem in life or imperfection. I saw some ugly that they are more smarter than the pretty ones and shines over them. I saw a pretty girl but so shy and speechless. Some they have more problems on trauma, treat, blackmail because of their beauty. They are prone to the evil guys. Some suffered of the act of lasciviousness in crowded places like markets, shows and subway. Cuties has problematic, too in life. Some simple faces are kind and generous, too. They are good example. Some good personalities are bad, some ugly posses evil character, too. Some ugly are delight-some persons. Some beauty inside-out. Life is like that. My life is like ugly duckling, too. When I was in my childhood I felt I'm ugly cos I'm not famous and only few recognized my cuteness and I'm so thin. Then, in my early 20s till present at 33 people recognizes my appearances and attitude of brotherly kindness. People likes me, even in this life we cannot please everyone. Have a great day. God bless us all.
• Elkin, North Carolina
13 Dec 09
I am sorry that you feel this way about yourself, but I will tell you that you are definitely not alone. I think deep down a lot of people feel that way sometimes. Although we don't always dislike ourselves for the same reasons, it all boils down to the fact that we don't like the way we are. The question is, do we hate the way we are enough to make an effort to change? I can definitely understand why you got so upset by the comment made in comparing you to the other girl and I don't believe you were overreacting at all! That was pretty insensitive on his part, especially since he knew you that was already a sensitive issue (I'm assuming that he did know). If you really want things to be different in your life, you need to make the decision to do it because YOU want to, not because you think everyone else wants you to change. If you're doing it to please everyone else, it will be a burden and you will never follow through with it. You will also be resentful towards others for it too. If you want to lose weight, set some realistic goals. Come up with a number of pounds you would like to lose over the long term and break it down in months or weeks. A smaller goal is easier to work toward and the possibility of you getting overwhelmed is much lower. Second, learn to eat some healthier foods and eat smaller portions of food every 3 to 4 hours. Smaller portions and eating more frequently will keep you from overeating at mealtime. When it comes to exercising, it doesn't have to be something that you hate. Go for a walk with some friends. Go to the mountains for a hike. Get an iPod and load it full of music and put your headphones in and go for it. As far as the other things you don't like about yourself, get to the root of the problem. Why is it that you feel that way? When did you stop being the person you used to be? What has changed. Those are all some questions you should ask yourself. It will help give you a little insight into what's going on. Just keep your head up and keep on going. And know that God makes us the way we are for a reason and we all have a great purpose on this earth. We are all valuable in His eyes.
• United States
13 Dec 09
Thank you for responding, it means a lot to me. I do want to change. I see the way I act and to be honest I hate it. I feel horrible sometimes, like I'm not worth a thing. Yes, he does know. I've been trying to lose weight for over 5 months now, and it just won't go away! I think it's because I love the taste of food, so I eat even when I'm not hungry. I will try the smaller portions, though, thank you. Exercising is hard, because it's winter here and so going outside isn't an option. Too much snow, ice, and cold! Brrr! We live in a small apartment complex, so perhaps I will look up exercises I can do in small amount of space. I stopped being that person, I believe, after I found out my boyfriend had separate views on a LOT of things, including what we constitute as cheating. I've been very suspicious since then, not only because of that but because of things I've heard from other people. I know I should trust him, but he did once do something that I consider cheating, and he does not, so it's hard to gain that trust back, especially when he won't admit he did it. Another thing that has changed is my parents got a divorce, and my dad left. I've always been closer to my mom, so to see her go through that pain is horrible. We've moved from my hometown, to a place I can't stand, and I've lost two friends because we changed so much, and just grew apart. I hope God feels that way about me. I left my mother's religion, and sometimes I feel as though God is angry at me for not having a current religion. I just can't find one that I feel is right. Thank you for all your advice, I honestly appreciate it.
• Elkin, North Carolina
13 Dec 09
You're welcome for the advice! I know how it is with the cold weather and everything and it being hard to really get out and exercise. There are plenty of ways to do some workouts in the comfort of your own home that can save you the money of getting a gym membership or anything like that. There are some DVDs from the Biggest Loser television show that are around $10 at Wal-Mart that could give you some help in exercising at home in addition to many others. A fun way of getting some exercise is using the Nintendo Wii Fit, if you have one. They do cost $100 so that would be costly, but they are worth the investment. Not necessarily your traditional way of working out but it could be a help in motivation and changing things up a bit. As far as the other things that you are having to deal with, I am sure that those are tough and have affected your whole outlook on life and relationships. It is definitely hard to trust someone after you've been hurt and it does take time. It doesn't happen overnight. I think the most important thing is to surround yourself with people who respect you and will build you up as an individual instead of bringing you down. As far as the way God sees you, rest assured that He will always see you as valuable, even when it seems everyone else has turned away from you. God loves you more than you could ever imagine and just wants to have a personal relationship with you. It's not all about religions and that sort of thing. The most important thing is to have a relationship with God. That doesn't mean you're never going to make a mistake or that you are going to be perfect. God forgives and can help to heal the pain of the past.
• United States
13 Dec 09
I could possibly get the dvd, but for now a Wii is out of the question [though I dearly want a Wii fit, have for a while now] with Christmas gifts to buy and such. But I could probably afford to get a dvd for myself, if it's only ten dollars. I don't have many people who respect me, honestly. Most of my friends use me because they know I will do things for them because I want to be nice. I feel that I only have one true friend who doesn't put herself before me all the time, and she lives quite a ways away. My mom is having so many problems right now, I don't feel I should bother her with my issues. She has much bigger problems, like keeping the roof over our heads. I do pray to God occasionally, but I'm in such confusion right now I'm not sure. I hope he does love me, because I do love him, and I appreciate all that he's done for the people I know.
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
13 Dec 09
Hi there Tickle The first thing is, you are mean and horrible because you do not like yourself You need to start taking some Vitamins for your Moods and one good one is Evening Primrose You need to start training yourself and yes I mean training, to control the muddle of feelings inside you, tackle one problem at a time, first of loss of weight......... Eat healthy food, drink lots of water to, as you will find a part of it is Water retention, also if you get hungry in between Meals drink Water or eat Fruit, remember it will not happen over night, try to exercise to even if it is just taking walks You will find in time it will come of you and be patient, do not constantly weigh yourself, only once a week, if you see no difference in 3 weeks think about what you might be eating that you should not As for the pretty side, I have not seen a Photo of you Girl, but a little Make up always helps, not a lot and not plastered on, basically natural Colours, a bit of Mascara, natural eye shadow, I use the colour Heather, I also use the Max Factor double Skin Foundation, you can get this on Ebay at a cheap price and you do not need a lot, just enough to give you a bit of a Healthy look, a natural Lipstick, I do not use any blusher and try to use either a white or light eye liner and that is it you will see a big difference, my Daughter went through what you are going through right now and it worked for her The main thing is though to try and control the mood, and do NOT ever compare yourself to other Women, that is the worse you can do, tell your Boyfriend to that he is not to do it and that he has to support you and be patient I hope this works for you Girl, good luck to you and let me know how you get on
• United States
13 Dec 09
Evening Primrose? I've never heard of this, can you get it in a normal store? I try my best to eat healthy food but it's hard when my boyfriend does not struggle with weight and he eats junk food all the time. I try not to wear make up because of my bad acne. All the cover up that I've tried makes it worse, and makes me break out. I don't mind eyeliner, and occasionally I use a lip gloss. I try not to compare myself to other women, but it's so hard sometimes because my boyfriend is attractive, and gets female attention all the time. Plus when he shows me pictures of other girls who are more attractive than me, it's hard not to think of myself as being less attractive. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
13 Dec 09
Hello Tickle Yes Evening Primrose you should be able to get in any Store that sells Vitamins have a look online and it will give you an Idea As for the Make up I agree with your Skin Condition Try every Night after cleansing your Face get a damp Cotton Wool and squirt 1 peace of clementine, tangarine or even orange on it and then pat it all over the Face let it dry and then put your Moisturiser on you can do this in the morning to but night time is when your Skin rests Your Boyfriend needs to support you, let him eat all the Junk Food but do tell him to stop showing you pretty Girls, as that will bring anger out of you and he is squashing your self esteem you need to sit him down and tell him, he needs to help you
@djbtol (5501)
• United States
13 Dec 09
You've expressed a lot of deep,serious challenges you are facing. I will offer just a couple of suggestions. First, regarding weight loss. Take a look around, in any direction and you will see that you are not the only one facing this hurdle. There are many people who fight weight gain, and even those who are successful must continue to face the challenge of keeping the weight off. Maybe this is really hard for you to do alone, and you need the support and strength that can come from others. There are various weight loss groups and organizations around. Would that help you? Also, and this may be something Dr. Phil would say, you can lose weight if you want to, but you must take responsibility to make it happen. You cannot just sit back and wait for it to happen on its own, and no one can do it for you. Now with respect to your overall self-image - don't hate yourself. So you and your life are not perfect. That is true for everyone, even those around you who seem to have their act so together. There are periods in our life where we transfer from a lot of hope and expectation into something more real. Maybe you are in such a stage. This last comment may seem strange, especially since you are talking about a boyfriend and not a husband. When a man and woman get married, one of the important things that happens is that the husband takes on the interests of his wife and will work to build her up. You indicate that you have changed in the last three years. Well, so has he. Those early days in a relationship are so different. Think how it is when a man is courting a woman - there is so much encouragement, praise and worthiness given to her. Then down the road,when the relationship is more routine, those blessings may not come on a regular basis. I'm not suggesting you blame your boyfriend, but it is helpful for you to realize that his love and caring for you must grow even stronger, and that is regardless of your weight. Hopefully you will find peace with yourself, with the help of him and in the end your relationship will be stronger and your life much happier. By the way, your photos show you to be a beautiful woman. God Bless You, djbtol
• United States
13 Dec 09
I do believe a weight loss organization would help me, however my family is struggling financially, so joining one at the moment is out of the question. Hopefully I can achieve it on my own, because in all honesty without joining a group I have no one to support me in my goal. I agree, my boyfriend has changed, in many ways. Some things for the better, and some for the worse, in my opinion. I know he loves me and wants me to lose weight, but he 'encourages' me by nagging, and occasionally trying to hide my food so I won't eat it [things like ice cream, which I only eat once every few months], and if I try to eat something I know I shouldn't, but I only eat a bite, he says "No, you're fat enough already, I thought you wanted to lose weight!" and then I feel guilty and angry and eat more. I know he's trying to help, but sometimes it hurts my feelings. Thank you, about my pictures. The one I have as my main picture is my senior picture from earlier this year, and the other one(s) is from this summer, when I was taking pictures randomly. I hope I can work through this, I know if I find some encouragement and help I can make myself into the person I truly want to be. I just honestly don't know where to start.
@djbtol (5501)
• United States
15 Dec 09
I do understand when you say that the organized weight loss programs are too costly. Many of those are $30 per month and that is quite a bit when you are pinching pennies. Hopefully you can find a friend or two to give you some encouragement. Your boyfriend's comments are probably meant to be an encouragement (or prod) to help you make the best choices, but I would imagine those comments are hurtful as well. Is there any way you can help him to see a better way to encourage you. I'm really not one to go about telling you how to tackle the problem of diet and weight, but I would encourage you to start with a small goal. Then meet that goal and praise yourself. Maybe you can get the bf to praise you. Your initial goal may not even be measured in pounds. For instance, what if this week you picked two days and set a goal that you would not eat anything after 7:00 pm. Just two nights during the week. Try it on your own. Prove to yourself that you do have some self-control with respect to eating, that you are not a total slave to food. Then consider that bit of self control like a weak muscle that needs exercise to develop. Maybe the second week you could go to three evenings, and so on. Very important: if you fail, so what. You merely chalk it up as a flop and continue on. Don't give up. Eventually, you will be able to change your eating patterns. Like I said, I am out of my element here and I am sure you have heard it a thousand times before. Just the same, I wish you the best. djbtol
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
25 Dec 09
I don't think there's a person alive who doesn't feel that way at one time or another but I think you're focusing too much on what you don't like instead of what you do like about yourself. I probably would have been offended at what your b/f said as well. It sounds like he has this idea of what you should be and is trying to push you into it. If you want to change, do it for yourself...not for anyone else. Everyone changes as they grow, mentally and physically, he has to learn that as well. I hope this helps some. [b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~ **STANDING STRONG IN MY BELIEFS**[/b]
• United States
25 Dec 09
Thank you for commenting. It's sometimes hard for me to see the good in myself, as people around me tend to remind me of the bad. Especially my boyfriend, though we had a talk and I told him how much that offended me, and that I wished he'd be more supportive in what I want to change about myself, not in what he wants me to change. I hope I can find peace with myself, though I still have my ultimate goal of losing weight. Not for anyone but me, though, because I want to prevent any serious health problems that could happen. Plus, I want to be able to keep up with my friends and not get so winded.
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (11009)
• United States
15 Dec 09
First of all let me just say that you are very pretty. From the picture I see you look like a lovely girl. The best advice I can give is that we are what we make our selves and we are what we decide to be. If you are always telling yourself nothing but negative things about you self you are never going to be happy with yourself. Try to start concentrating on being more positive about yourself. The next time you catch yourself putting your self down or be critical of your self stop yourself and instead tell your self something positive about your self. About being mean you can control that too. If you find your self being mean for no reason stop and breath and re-focus, think of something funny, or even better think of something nice to say, it will change your whole mood I promise. Learn to laugh more. If you don't take things to seriously you will be able to find that fun loving girl your boyfriend once knew. Remember negativity breads negativity, instead bread postive things.
• United States
15 Dec 09
Thank you. That picture is from earlier this year - it's one of my senior pictures. Though it's a bit touched up, to cover up all the acne I have. I find it hard to be positive about myself when I don't see anything positive. I try to stop myself from being mean, and sometimes it works, but other times when I'm angry, I stay angry for a long time, even after the point of I have a right to be. For example, last night my boyfriend and I had a little argument, and this morning I was still bitter over it. I don't even know why. I will try to remember that, thank you for your advice!
@advokatku (4039)
• Indonesia
14 Dec 09
no doubt, Building Self-motivation indeed difficult. Every person just like you don't know exactly how to build motivation in itself. We often hit by various constraints. And the biggest obstacle is ourselves. Here I try to describe the basic steps 7 Build Self-motivation, namely: * Expand your horizons. You have to look at life with eyes of faith, look you're off to a higher level. You must have a clear mental picture of what you will achieve. This picture should be a part of you, in your mind, seep into your subconscious mind, in deed and in every aspect of your life. * Develop a healthy self image. That means you have to picture yourself on the basis of what God says about you. Success reach your goals depends on how you view yourself and how you feel about yourself. Because it will determine your level of confidence in the act. The fact that you will never flew higher than what you think about yourself. * Discover power behind your mind and what you say. The main target of enemy attack is mind. He knew if he managed to control and manipulate what you think, then he will successfully control and manipulate your entire life. Determine the attitude of mind, attitude and self image. The mind set goals. * Let go of the past, let it go. You may have lost everything that no one should be experienced in this life. If you want to live victoriously, you should not use the trauma of the past as an excuse to make choices that bad right now. You must dare not make the past as a reason for this attitude during burukmu, or justify your actions to not forgive someone. * Discover power in the worst circumstances, even though we should be: "I may have fallen several times in this life, but but I'm not going to continue to live under there." We all face challenges in life. We all must have experienced things that come to attack us. We may be imposed from outside, but the key to victorious living is to learn how to rise again from the inside. * Be confident with your beliefs. Many experts believe "that determines the direction keyakinanlah motion one". Obviously, that opinion did not go out like that, and it often happens in our lives. Where when we were tossed in different teromabng choices, then we will be very difficult to determine next steps. * Choosing to be happy at today. You do not have to wait until all your problems solved. You do not have to postpone happiness until you reach all your target. God wants you to be happy in any condition, right now!
• United States
14 Dec 09
This is very good advice, thank you so much for sharing it with me. I do need to learn to let go of the past; I know I tend to focus on my failures so much I get bummed out and end up not taking action. One thing is hard for me though, choosing to be happy today. How can you be happy when so many bad things are going on around you, even in your own home? I will try to follow this advice, hopefully I can find a solution to being at peace.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
14 Dec 09
Well, I guess you should be impressed because I read thru everything you just wrote hear. you sound a lot like one of my daughters. I looked at your profile before responding and you are very pretty and as for your weight...you look tiny in the pics. You sure as heck are not overweight. My daughter is just a tiny little thing but is always complaining that she has flub. Most women would die to look like her but she gets in these moods where everything from her nose to her body etc just bothers her. She also flies off the handle easily and over the littlest things. Then she feels bad. It's more under control as she gets older but we have always wondered if she might be bi-polar. She herself wonders at times but has yet to go in and be evaluated. Of course the more episodes of this sort of behavior she has, the worse she feels about herself and it is just a vicious cycle. I do think it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about this. There are meds that can help with the mood swings. It is a pretty common thing really. I also want to add that your boyfriend showing you a picture of a girl that looked like you "if you were skinnier" is something that would have offended most women. It is pressure to change and it is like saying ...you aren't "good enough but could be". Maybe he didn't mean it that way but it was offensive. Also telling you that he is only with you because of how you were when you were first dating...that is pressure also. We grow and we change constantly. You are never going to be the same person you were back then....neither is he.
• United States
14 Dec 09
Thank you for saying that, but my pictures deceive. I'm a good photographer, and can make myself look smaller in pictures. In reality, I've been a steady 250 pounds for about 2 years now. I am not bi-polar, but I have been thinking about seeing my doctor. First I may try the vitamin Evening Primrose and see where that gets me, but if that fails to help I will consult my doctor. I do want to grow and change, just for the better, not for the worse. I appreciate your comment, thank you. And I agree, neither of us will ever be the same as we were back then. I just want to grow to be a better person.
@jd107nette (1457)
• Philippines
6 Apr 10
i hope that by now, you've already found your motivation.. but i would still want to drop some lines... I think that sometimes, the reason why you hate yourself is you automatically see what you do not have... you instantly see and notice the ones others have and you don't... so you tend to compare... it's pretty hard to be satisfied.. everyone probably has their own disappointments upon themselves... you are not alone on that... that is why it's said that the beginning to happiness is when you get to be satisfied with what you have... happy mylotting!
@Hatley (162054)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Jan 10
ticklemebreathless well let me say something that boyfriend' is no prize when he wants you to make yourself over to suit his royal highness.he is at fault not you at all. if he really loved you he would love you unconditionally warts and all your weight would not matter as its the you in you he would love.I would like to give him a good swift kick to the seat of his pants for making you go all down on yourself.you do not have to measure up to some non existent female,you just need to be confident that you are someone,you are unique and you love yourself. shout it out believe it and live it.not for your boyfriend, but for yourself and your self esteem. Your boyfriend needs some lessons in love and in tact too. he did not need to do a number on you if he really loves you. You need to believe you are alright just the way you are,you must love yourself so you can love others.
@dpk262006 (55822)
• Delhi, India
14 Dec 09
Hi Tickle! I feel that you are thinking too much negative about yourself, and this will not lead you anywhere. Thinking about one's negative traits is alright, as long as one wants to improve it, however, thinking that one has only 'negative' traits is incorrect. You need to look positive traits in yourself and think about the blessings, which you had in your life. No one is perfect, each one of us has negative and positive traits, as well, what we need to do is think positively and let the negative thoughts not come in our mind. All the best to you. Please believe in yourself, you are a wonderful person and you are not less than anyone.
@satan88 (586)
• United States Minor Outlying Islands
13 Dec 09
you've just described how billions (yes billions) of people look at themselves. YOur boyfriend sounds like an a-hole. You should find someone who brings out the best in you. I guess you're impressed with me then and now i feel happy. see you're not all bad.
@balanica (86)
• Romania
13 Dec 09
I'm very sure you are beautiful because all people are beautiful. You need a smile because is time to do something for you. Is time to love you like you are. Belive in you and do something. If you have courage to write this you are courageous. Don't live with fear, be you like you are. Every person is wonderful in some way.
@blablablu (222)
• Indonesia
13 Dec 09
Hm, seems that the problem lies in your brain actually. How to motivate yourself? well, live your life, read many books about living, follow some motivating seminar but don't follow business seminar, go talk to your rev (if you are christian), or else go to a psychiatric. But for me, it actually depends on yourself. No matter how much books you read, how many seminar you have follow, if you don't really want to change and don't want to accept then it will useless and you will only waste your money. I can't help that much, but I have some friends who just like you and they actually seek someone who can comfort them by saying "you are good", "you look great", etc. And they likely never come to me because I am more sarcastic in commenting :p (this is not good, don't try this at home) So, my suggestion is : 1. Pray, ask your God to help you understand yourself better 2. Self-acceptance, you need to put it on your brain that you are good! 3. Consult with the expert! 4. Ask your friends to help you out in motivating you. Success!